Belonging, A Critical Piece of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion | Carin Taylor | TEDxSonomaCounty

Thank you, I have an important question, has anyone ever felt like they didn't belong? Almost everyone raises their hand. I have another important question. Has anyone ever made someone else feel like they didn't belong? I certainly did and I. I'll start there. I was at a sales conference. It was once a sales conference. There were about 300 people in the room. I am one of about 10 women. I'm one of two African Americans and I'm the only African American woman in the room and the topic of conversation that day happened to be

diversity

, so I remembered sitting in the front row and I remembered that steam was coming out of my ears because I was sitting there looking at this typical white executive talking about

diversity

and I sat there. thinking you're going to talk to me about diversity, no, that's not going to happen, so as I was sitting there I couldn't get this person's message, I mean, in fact, today I have no idea what that conversation was about, but I know I couldn't get his message and I'm a very curious person so during a break I walked up to him and said Mike you know what I really can't get your message and he said why not and I said because of how you look and said I'm gay, it was the first time that unconscious bias really hit me in the head, but I didn't really understand the impact of that story until I got home later that night, I was sitting down.

I was about to take my first bite of food and I started crying because I realized what I had done to Mike. People had been doing me my whole life, they had been judging me simply on my appearance and I, in turn, had started. to do that to other people was that day I said I would never make another person feel undervalued for who they were simply because of how they looked and I share that story with you because it's what drives me around this issue of

belonging

and actually , it's what prompted me to start thinking about the importance of why the notion of

belonging

really mattered to people, so I wanted to talk a little bit about that a few years ago, and by the way, I've been working on diversity for a really long time. a long time, between 15 and 20 years, and a few years ago there was a new topic or a new term that was actually introduced in the field of diversity and it was this term called belonging and I was very excited because I felt that as we were talking of

inclusion

and diversity there was something that was missing and for me it was belonging and now I finally knew exactly what it was and then I wanted to go and find the secret sauce of belonging because what I thought because I wanted to solve problems for the world and I thought if I could solve the belonging of all people and finding that secret sauce, could help transform corporations, workplaces and cultures and could ensure that every person in the workplace had a truly positive employee experience. excited about this word belonging, I created a whole structure around it, it's called vibration, value,

inclusion

, belonging and

equity

for all, that's a talk for another day and as I was looking to find this common definition of belonging I thought if I could solve the word belonging. for everyone I'll have that size secret secret I'll bottle it maybe I'll make some t-shirts maybe some cool sneakers or mugs or something maybe I'll make a couple bucks um so I started looking find the common definition a common definition that can apply to everyone around the world no matter what your race your gender your physical ability your sexual orientation whether or not you are an immigrant it really didn't matter this thing called belonging was disappearing to be the best for everyone so as I search for this common definition, I will admit that it was my first big mistake.

Let me tell you some lessons I learned as I was going on this journey of belonging and trying to figure this out for everyone. For me, the first thing is that there are five basic conditions that must exist for each and every one of us to feel like we belong. There are five things that I think should exist for me and I will share those five. things in a few minutes the second thing I learned and it was a big mistake was trying to define belonging in one way for all people. I couldn't do that because belonging means different things to different people, what makes me feel like I belong doesn't necessarily make you feel like you belong.

Belonging is different for each and every one of us, so a few things that make me feel like I belong. One of those things is that one day I can walk into work wearing my braids and I can walk the next day with my natural hair and people don't look at me like I'm an alien because that's happened before or people overlook me because they have afraid to say something because I have changed my appearance. kind of okay, but when I can go in and do that it makes me feel like I can belong or when I go to an executive meeting and I roll up my sleeves because it's a hot day and I want to show my tattoo which I don't I don't want to be judged for my tattoo because my tattoo It's special to me, it means something really important to me and I don't want to hide that part of me.

Another thing that might make me feel like I belong is if I go in. I work after a traumatic event has occurred within my community and one of my coworkers leans over and says hello, how are you today? That makes me feel like I belong now, those may not be the things that make you feel like you belong, but one of the important things. What I also discovered was that belonging is a two-way street and what I mean by this is that we have to understand our own sense of belonging, belonging is not something we can sit back and have something done to us, we must participate and To To do that, you must know who you are as an individual to feel or be able to articulate what makes you have a sense of belonging.

Those conditions. Those five conditions I talked about. I'll talk in a minute. Those need to be in place and that needs to be what other people do, but you also need to lean in and be able to tell people what it takes to make you feel like you belong because, like I said, it's different. For each of us, the other thing I discovered about belonging is that when those five conditions are in place and I still don't feel like I belong, the power is in my hands, I am the one making the decisions about how I can change the situation. tables and making sure that I feel like I belong and I want to share some tools and tips for that as well and lastly, and this is the most important thing and this is what my talk is about and that is if you want people to thrive create the conditions to belong these These are the five principles or conditions that I talked about.

The first is psychological safety. Psychological safety must exist because that is what drives that sense of trust in us in the workplace or in the communities in which we are. in or in our church or in our synagogue or even in a team that we are in, that is psychological safety, that place where I can really share how I feel, regardless of how I feel, the environment is such that people are going to give the welcome how I feel, whether it is good or bad or not, they are willing to listen to the experiences I have and they are willing to support each other to understand those experiences and there must also be psychological safety.

The second thing is empathy. If we have learned nothing in recent years, it is that empathy, care and compassion must remain strong when we lead other people and when we relate to other people, we have to return. to that sense of

carin

g for each other and in some cases we have lost our place there, but empathy,

carin

g, compassion must exist for most of us and acceptance is the next thing we need to be accepted for our exit. for our authentic cells and I use our authentic cells and our best authentic self for a reason, not our whole authentic self, because there is something about putting our whole being to work, there are parts of me that should be kept in the closet that I don't really want. go out and when Karen wants to be me, nasty Karen Taylor on a Monday, my colleagues shouldn't have to deal with that person staying home, but my best authentic self is the person we want. shows up every day because that's a person that's going to help us thrive in the workplace and the next one is about connection and connection is about a couple of things it's about being connected to people it's about being connected to a larger purpose, but for me this connection was even more about feeling loved, people wanted me to be in that room, which is an important element of belonging for me, feeling that connection with other people, regardless of how I feel. feel that particular day, that need for connection in all of us is something that is prevalent when you are building a culture of belonging and lastly, the notion of feeling hugged and some people think hugged hmm, but think about this, think about how It feels like when you receive that big, warm hug. from someone who really loves you, you feel valued, you feel respected, you feel appreciated and that is fundamental when it comes to belonging, so these things are really important for almost anyone to feel like they belong, but the important thing is when These things are at play here is when your energy level rises here is when you lean at the table here is when your creativity and your innovation thrive here is when you want to be at the table and people want to hear your voice because it's contagious the way when you do it You're showing up well, that's what that feeling of belonging is about because when these things are not in place you can't have a feeling of belonging, when psychological safety is not available, psychological damage is and when psychological damage It's that emotional place and mental trauma is actually developing as well, no one can thrive or feel like they belong when they are being traumatized, similarly if you feel disconnected how can you really feel like you can thrive or belong if you You feel disconnected from people and right purpose If you are not appreciated and respected for your contributions as a person and as an individual, how are you going to feel like you belong?

As long as these things are in place, we all have the opportunity to feel like we belong because when the opposite happens, that's when we sit back, that's when our voices are not heard, that's when we feel like we're not part of the system. I don't know about any of you, but that's certainly not a place where I can live for a long time and imagine that in reality you're the only one you're the only black person you're the only woman the only man you're just a white person the only person with a disability doesn't matter because when you're the only one now you really feel isolated and you don't have anyone you can approach and talk to because that safe environment, that psychological safety, peace is not at stake and that's not an environment that people want . staying or being able to thrive in everything sounds pessimistic, but I promise it's not because what I also believe is that you can really change the status quo when you have those five tenants, that peace is at stake for you and you feel psychologically psychologically. sure, you can actually change the status quo if you feel like you don't belong because imagine you're sitting in a room and imagine there's a seat left at the table and you go and sit there and let's say that.

The two people standing next to you sitting next to you greet you and say hello, welcome to the meeting, how are you? they want to hear your voice you are in a place where you can thrive your energy is high now imagine that you walk in the room it is the same room there is the same seat but this time no one says anything to you no one greets you no one introduces themselves no one cares about your opinion in the meeting okay, that's a very different feeling that's a place where people can't thrive, but if that's at play, you can really change the status quo and here's why if those five things are at play, you can run for the people who are next to you, you can lean in and say: I want to hear your voice.

A little bit more you can change your attitude and when you change the system around you will also change when you act differently, if you are more positive that will be contagious to people and they will be more positive around you so you can really change. the results of your own belonging if peace is at stake, so I want to give you some things to think about as we close this day in recent years we have lost our sense of humanity, our sense of connection, our sense of caring for each other. others our sense of coming together and making this a better world for all people, ensuring that there is inclusion, belonging and

equity

for all of us, it doesn't take much, so I leave you with this question: what are you going to do to Make sure create the conditions of belonging in the circles in which you move because I guarantee that when you create that sense of belonging, it allows people that opportunity to prosper, it allows them to do what they do best and I guarantee that if you want the people thrive, create that sense of belonging and then sit back, relax and watch people lift you up.