Ricky Gervais On Bad Excuses To Tell Your Doctor | Politics | Universal Comedy

but I love bad

excuses

when they're a little embarrassing, atrocious things like that. I remember a friend of mine who I went to university with was a medical student and when he got his degree he did an internship or junior

doctor

at University College Hospital and he was working nights, it was around 1:30 in the morning and this guy came in and he had a bottle of sauce up his butt like you do and he completely disappeared, he wasn't gone as you know. Enough to not have thought about the return trip as even Hans and Gret didn't leave any breadcrumbs, right?

He didn't get any purchase, he couldn't, you know, tie a piece of rope or something, just think ahead or empty it, fill it with concrete, put a broom handle on it, let it adjust, then you'll have the full length of the bottle and a mango, but he didn't, he hadn't thought about it as much as I, a fan now, and also instead of walking in there and saying sorry, mate, I've got a fountain bottle stuck to my butt, I know what. He was doing, you know what he was doing, take him out and I won't do it again instead of saying he went through all his face-saving rigor of filling out an accident report only to make it worse and this is the excuse.

He gave the okay, he said well, what happened was this is a great excuse. TRUE. He said I had been shopping at Safeway and I came home with my groceries and I realized he had locked me out of my house so I put the groceries on the door and I saw he had left a bedroom window open so I I thought about going in there, so I tried to climb up the drain pipe, but while I was climbing up the drain pipe, my belt broke and my pants fell down. I fell, I fell to the ground, I lost my grip and I fell and I landed on the bottle that was done Str and that's what happened, it went well so I took it out for him when he left, they made an amendment to the accident report, my partner .

Breaking this story would be a little more believable if Safeway sold their sauce bottles with condoms already attached. Oh the condom, he knows I'm lying, why did he put a condom on her anyway? Because then he was going to use it on his fries, but how bad is it that if you like, you know what I mean, sticking condiments up

your

ass, buy two, they're only 79p. I guess I don't know. I'm one for fries and one for asses. You already know where you are. You have to do it. making bad

excuses

is my um my favorite handout of all time.

I bet some of you don't even have a favorite brochure. Have they solved it? um no, it really is. You see why and I kept it with me for about three months and I showed everyone that it was a pamphlet that came out in the union around 1994 95 and it was a Terrence Higgins pamphlet on safe sex and it was aimed at the last demographic of gay men who They were not taking HIV. quite seriously, so it was very forceful and seen and used really colorful language to convey the kind of message and I remember it very well and, uh, the title of this fly, you know, it will make a good brochure when this is the title this is the opening gambit right, it was called you know you don't always have to have anal sex thank you very much think about a couple of retirees queuing for their flu job they just frown we just digest what this is one, you know, not always you have to have anal sex.

Look, I told you, that's what it's called, right? and it was a 10 point alternatives plan, you know, so number one, okay, it always started the same. with why not, well, why not, casual, like you were saying, um, like a recipe or something, why not throw an onion in it, well, well, okay, number one was this one and it had those little diagrams like small drawings like those you get for safety things on airplanes. So anyway, 10 point plan number one, number one was to think of this as medical advice, okay, number one was why don't we just masturbate each other.

I got the new brochure, oh what does it say? Why not just masturbate each other? Okay, casual number two. Number two is great again, just the informal suggestion. Number two was what is always the same. Why not? Number two. Why not come backwards? Why not? What's that? So Cas, why not imagine you're queuing to see a GP? See you now and he's writing, come on in, what can I do for you? I am gay and I am worried about HIV. Come on, on the back of him, number three, when I should, I showed this to people when I bought this. people laughed and said oh and they said oh right number three is the worst number three is why not come in his hair not in the hair on his back come on his back sure I'm going hurry up where are you pointing that not the hair there better not I'll put on a shower cap so number four, oh number four, I haven't heard such a good use of the term EG before or since as in the following sentence number four, I swear, why not come in? a piece of fruit, for example, watermelon, see why you need that, like they take it out without it, but let's go well, what fruit I am watermelon, thank you, I need to know what fruit I need to know exactly what fruit I don't want to eat. it's wrong I thought Ares was right I was wrong there I don't want to do watermelon yes okay h en no no number 10 I'll only

tell

you number 10 because number 10 might be the greatest quote of all time, right?

I think the guy who was there was under pressure from his boss. He had made nine and his boss came and said, "How am I doing, I already made nine. We need 10. I can't make 10. I'm struggling." I'm doing my hair I'm doing backs We need 10 You have until 5:30 and this is what he came up with This is number 10 and I swear it's true, why don't you both go out a window? Why ready? It didn't even say make sure it's not a ground floor window tomorrow no, this is number seven number 19 I think I think they're already outside oh oh and that pamphlet this is a confession this is a confession that pamphlet must have affected me and that was 10 years ago last summer.

I was walking down Old Compton Street, it was around 10:00 at night and just before I got to Mama Mia a pigeon shit on me, obviously a pigeon went and then I went. What did you expect to see two? She caught him.