Kevin Hart ROASTING Talk Show Hosts

you can walk down the street a lot of people like it oh that's Karen hey what's up mmm why are they bombing me I'm suffocating yes I'm saying I don't have peace of mind people can come up to you from time to time and they might want to do it just take a photo with you and say congratulations, great job mm-hmm with me they wanted to be mmm my life is harder, well Stephen, this is what I want you to realize, hey, you're lying, no one comes close to you, it's okay, Stephen, Smith, no. you have a sale, not one, there has never been a request for a photo, there has never been a request for a quote, you are famous, that's the guy, why don't you admit to the American public that you got that from listening? to me because that's what I've been saying all week, well Steve, I'm going to admit that you need to rest your mustache, that's what I'm going to miss, okay, that's what I'm going to miss, I don't know.

I don't know what he did I don't know what I want you to grow the rest of it there's too much space in the middle here that's the first thing people underestimate you when your little corner can be seen I see, look at the way he shook my hand when I got out, it's a bit of a disrespectful car, look at me, he looked at me, hello, you have an exclusive announcement, sighs, you have an announcement, okay, this is actually breaking news, breaking news and I chose to do it here despite that you know when. I come here, you guys are really cool with me doing my thing and it might be because I'm better than you guys at your jobs.

Don't know. Okay, the fact that I'm a walking Almanac. I ask for your respect, no. sign me up I ask for your respect I think you know what an almanac means Oh my name is not going to shoot with a good time so I'm going to say something like this I think you mean encyclopedia mm-hmm I'm doing I'm not word hmm like elastic hmm I'm sick of you two, you will give this woman the respect she deserves from now on, otherwise I will come back. I let something slide. Colin like when you use nurseries on your back. the pockets touch I'm not saying anything right, you got it.

Stephen uses a lot of big words. I really don't think he knows the definition of the hottest words. Great points to make him seem like an educated man like, yeah, well, me. I've heard Steve use words like despicable, he used it wrong a couple of times, he said he listen to me jump, you don't have a despicable moment, how are you? I'm fine, you're a married man, no, off the market, it's all over, ladies. missed an opportunity she chose wrong back then we

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ed about you possibly I asked you I actually said what would make it one day and Shaq said go ahead and say it you said when the MVP and here it is you know that's what this game is about ya you know, being with the fans and you know putting on the

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and it's not the stupidest and seven years and then I thought, you know what she deserves it because I can't keep letting this walk freely, that's not it. right with her like I understood it I understood it close this I'm

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ing about my body so I proposed that it wasn't a joke I was serious where were you last year when the Eagles sucked oh can I find you I was looking they went to some games and here everyone is talking about the Knicks who speak for the team when your team is losing there's nothing to talk about then there's a sports fan and you have nothing to say you don't say it in Alright now guess what my birds are flying , that's what we do flying, so guess what I'm going to do.

I'm going to talk. A Philly hoot is giving you the business on your birthday. Stephen to Smeg. You know. You know, the cupcake ruins the boy. You know, I watch your new

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. Would you sit in the jacuzzi? Your body is good. You can just walk around without a shirt. Talk about bodies. I want you not to be the one who brings that poof-shaped exit out of here. I like that medical schools are not afraid of you. See, that was the problem with jumping. Skip would get scared and start chasing your shoulders very strangely and then his posture would become unsteady and then he would slouch.

You defeated him at most. You're not defending that, you're not going to defeat Max, you're a bully with a capital B, you come here and bully people with words we don't understand, help, those things aren't even in a dictionary, that would be him. You have that, that would be him. That is not me. I have nothing against him. You're looking at a player the colossal size of him. The Colossus gets involved and that makes him a traumatic old man. A season ago. What is he talking about? Well, hey, he made signs until sighs. At one point I show up with a name and dinosaurs, that's the only thing Cute and I kept talking about was like you, the way you wear your jeans, they're so tight, they're so small, every time you walk it's like a petite. like they were together, but it's like there was something mysterious about it and he was like, I don't know how much you mess with him, how come you didn't play in a celebrity game this year?

You want from me? I'm in a Hall of Famous celebrity games are over, it's over, I can't do it anymore. I achieved greatness, Shaq, do you know what it feels like? I know you guys just stop it. I have a question: why do you sit on your bed morning after morning looking at us? talking about nothing could be because you're addicted to watching us talk about nothing like so many viewers are no no I'm addicted to what are you going to say wrong next a man who can be wrong and keep the same things wrong so many things they contradict each other so many times and you look at the camera when it comes to how many times listen man, you've been on the show several times, you've been hit on several occasions, oh we've never lost, that's the lie. never that's one of the things my word of the day make up how about how about that 100 v8 you better say bloviate where we get it from because you didn't know until I first said you don't.

It's strange one of the words you stick out your ass that's what you're doing right question do you have a problem? Was it you who said these comments? Me, I'm trying to figure it out. Won't you lower your voice? Lower your voice. Don't talk to her you're going to give me the respect I deserve don't talk to me like I'm a man go ahead I have a problem with what she said I'm trying to figure out how in the name of God I'm done with you, Steve Max, well, clearly, Apollo and Dick Cheney get a call, huh?

I want everyone to change their toupees to the debate while you are very athletic for an actor mm-hmm for a comedian. I'll stop you fine. I'm done there you don't know what I'm seeing you want to know what I smell jealousy mmm jealousy I'm sorry my body is perfect what do you want me to do I'm sorry I'm in the most incredible shape I can be. I'm sorry I don't sit down and my underwear is flipped over that little band clip like you guys do, that's why you wore a jumpsuit for the scent today. This is called a sports sweatshirt, oh oh, it's called a sports sweatshirt, I wasn't sure because you guys have suits that you can take off, you can grab it from behind and do whatever you want.

I hear they're mad at me, sick of it.