Donald Trump Attacks Jimmy at a Rally, Dr. Oz is a BIG Phony & Sounding the Alarm on Abortion Rights

looking thanks for joining us I'm glad you arrived on time it's um I don't know if you guys it's summer Monday this is the uh we have an extra hour uh that I spent resetting all the clocks in the house it's a waste of an hour, don't we vote for stop this daylight savings time nonsense? Don't we bet? Yes, I think this is the last year. I think so. But. I'm pretty sure we voted to eliminate daylight saving time. It was definitely not invented by someone who had a five year old living in the house because speaking of five year olds I want to mention Donald Trump Saturday night my wife starts getting texts and asking me if we saw that.

Trump said about me no I didn't get any texts she got a lot of them which turns out the Fibracci mentioned me during one of their Blue Collar Comedy tours and I have to say sometimes I feel like she doesn't like me. Have you seen where all these people who don't like us are dying? I saw Jimmy Kimmel say that his show is practically dead because no one who likes Trump will watch and guess what most people turned out to be. The program is dead and so are the others. That's right, our program is dead. Our program is so dead that he is going to bury it next to his ex-wife on one of his golf courses.

Is dead. I'll tell you what that is, all those endangered animals. your sun picture without a chin, that's what you know, instead the look in your wife's eyes when you beg her to have sex on your birthday and I'll say that in January our show will have lasted 20 years, they kicked you out after four, okay? I'm on TV, you're in the bathroom at your golf club yelling at yours. I love that Donald Trump is calling me out at a

rally

for Dr. Oz, who, by the way, is a total fake, by the way, Dr. Oz and I are going to tell you a story years ago, when Trump was running for president, I had dinner with Dr.

Oz and his wife Lisa and they told me and a group of other people a story: They were at Mar-A-Lago and this older woman, it was a party. she's all dressed up, she had an accent, a very glamorous older woman walks up to Trump and he tells someone else how good he looks or something and she says Donald, how do I look and he says you'd look better wet and he pushes her in the pool, he pushes this fully clothed older lady in the pool and she is humiliated and Lisa Oz helped her get her out of the pool and she asked him to get some towels and he helps her and warms her up and Trump just looked and he laughed maniacally and They told us that this story would upset them, they were upset and now they are on stage supporting each other, it's not so good.

There's a lot of integrity, that's um, even Oprah, who had Dr. Oz endorse his opponent John Fetterman, which is like I don't. endorsing Guillermo just wouldn't happen for mayor of Margaritaville or something, yeah thanks Jimmy, I think this is funny on Saturday night. Dr. Oz encouraged voters near Pittsburgh to get up early the next day and vote for him before the only issue of the Steelers game. It was the Steelers, uh, they had a bye week, they didn't play on Sunday. You know, poor Dr. Oz, if he wins, he'll have to move to Pennsylvania. I don't know if he knows I have a big announcement to make.

I mean, I'm hosting the Oscars in March. This will be the third time I host the program. I've already started making a list of names I should keep out of my damn mouth. You know you can't be too careful and he's very flattering. I'm asked to do this and it's especially interesting because the media, some of it, has an amazing ability to review the Oscar show months before it happens, like this morning. Gawker wrote to Jimmy Kimmel to host another incredibly boring Oscars, who else? Do you understand the ship that sinks with the rudder? The AV club Hollywood's most thankless job has found its man in Jimmy Kimmel even Esquire Kimmel will Captain is sure to be the most awkward Academy Award since last year's Academy Awards and then you have all the angry dude websites who aren't happy Oscars flipped bird to Red State USA named Jimmy Kimmel host Hollywood chooses far-left late show comedian over stars who could unite America which stars could unite America and I I'm baby Donnie and Marie, no one else, although right now I'm not sure uniting America is even remotely possible.

The news from Mar-A-Lago is that Trump could throw his heavy, dandruff-ridden Maga hat into the ring tomorrow, and he's already attacking his Republican rivals where he's supposed to be at that

rally

in Pennsylvania. By endorsing Dr. Oz, he reviewed the poll numbers and took a shot at future rival Ron DeSantis. We are winning big in the Republican Party for the nomination like no one has seen before. Let's say there is Trump at 71 years old. Rhonda self-righteous with 10. percent Mike Pence at seven, oh, Mike's better than I thought, yeah, he's lost some velocity on his fastball nickname, you know, in the old days they were on something like a smelly race and we all followed him, but that was not his only stop.

In this week's campaign he was also in Iowa, where he was nearly upstaged by his opening act. The tnn list for us, you can take your fiscally irresponsible madness and you can take it and go to the Soviet Union. I don't care, this is Iowa. Donald Trump takes us back to the way it used to be in the days before he squeezed me in these pants and strangled my testicles, thank you. The prodigal son Don Jr. demonstrated yesterday in Miami, where I have to admit that he did a great job. At this point, today we are faced with a Democratic party that does not believe that a Center of the United States should not have mush for brains.

We've seen what happens when you put someone with mush for brains in the office. My name is Herschel, work, oh Herschel. has a great day tomorrow this is um this is going to be interesting Herschel Walker is eyeing that middle seat in Georgia like a Waffle House waitress who forgot to take her birth control he's uh this race is stupidly close and if the Democrats in Georgia don't I'm not going to vote tomorrow, this Mr. Potato Head could be your next senator. I am here to fight for my family. I'm here to fight for Georgia and I told him I didn't want to be a politician.

I play golf I don't have lunch I don't eat dinner I don't eat with them I don't eat what they eat because I'm here to represent people well wait I don't think I follow that he doesn't have lunch and he doesn't eat golf and he doesn't play at lunch I don't know, let's put up a transcript from what he said on the wall, okay, I'm here to fight for my family. uh, even the ones you just met, they're here to fight for Georgia. I told him that I didn't want to be a politician, I didn't do it, I don't play golf, I don't eat lunch, I don't eat separately, I don't eat with them, I don't eat what they eat because I'm here to represent the people, right, I mean, people, people don't have lunch, people. people go from breakfast straight to dinner that's how people do it afternoons are reserved for baby, that's right, there's a reason his name isn't Herschel Talker and uh well, we just saw what that is, oh , it's, uh, this is my wife Molly, what are you doing with the

alarm

, Jimmy?

I didn't know we had an arm, oh. we do it i didn't do it either it was backstage okay why are you

sounding

an

alarm

that you found backstage because tomorrow is election day and

abortion

rights

are gone or in jeopardy in 26 states despite that the overwhelming majority of this country supports women's

rights

? to choose let me ask you something every time you have sex do you intend to have a baby i don't just wait until you eat a gummy and then try to snuggle on the planet i can't imagine forcing any woman who doesn't want that job to take it against their will 10 women six out of ten women who have

abortion

s already have children at home know how hard the work is 92 percent of abortions occur in the first 13 weeks a good part of the women who need it after the first trimester, do so because of health complications that could kill her or her baby.

Approximately half of women who have abortions live below the poverty line. I'm sorry, do you expect this to be funny because it's not going to be funny if you don't? They do not have the resources to raise another child. They don't have the money to drive to another state for medical care. The only person who should make a life-altering and potentially saving decision about a woman's life and her body is the woman. She herself asks you to love abortion. I ask you to love women enough to trust them enough to make your own difficult decisions and vote for the people who will make that happen tomorrow.

Our daughters shouldn't have to fight the battles. that our grandmothers won, thank you, she's right, tomorrow is election day and, wow, right, all the Democrats I know, right now they have that feeling you get the night before a colonoscopy. Anything can happen, but win or lose, rest assured the mega Republicans will complain. unfortunately they won only about Americans are expected to vote in the other half in line for a Powerball ticket uh someone needs to really combine them some big names are in the Democrats campaign this weekend Joe Biden was in New York Obama was in Pennsylvania Bill Clinton was in Las Vegas, which must have been the easiest question of my life.

I'm firing up the jet, meanwhile the Republicans are also bringing out the big guns. Chuck Norris endorsed Blake Masters for Senate in Arizona in his race against Mark Kelly, who is me. I don't know, Chuck Norris is a fake Texas Ranger. Mark Kelly is a real astronaut who went to space, but Masters blankly looks, oh, he just looks at those eyes, I mean, I don't know what it is, all I know is that you have. vote democracy is fading like the McFly and Back to the Future family photo and the tinfoil hat wearing crowd is on high alert led by none other than my Pillowsbury Doughboy.

I tell everyone that we are observing from all angles where there are people. every state, every county, every congressional district Brandon reminds you, you may think you can't look and see what's going on inside that black box, but we can know it in real time through something called The Edison Report. Everyone, we have cyber guys watching this, what I'm telling you. you are this election, it's all eyes, we have all the camera angles, we have everything all under the camera, yeah, and if I know Mike, every one of those cameras will still have the lens cap on as you go on, how I would be watching this live.

I don't have either of us it's a mystery to both of us he has no idea what he's saying I have a feeling he's going to spend all day looking at his ring camera looking at his mailbox but Mike has been putting his money where his mouth is supports far right nuts like Lauren bobert who is running for re-election and Colorado and has my pillow Man All Fired Up Hi, it's me, Mike Lindell, the guy who loves a good bet, hates machines and likes a good old copy. with ketchup I'm spending my hard-earned pillow money to talk about a candidate for Colorado's 3rd Congressional District, a little lady named Lorna Coker.

The students are working mothers fighting hard against all threats to our country such as gay sex marriage and baby formula is one with baby formula anyway, it burns like Dickens when you inhale it. Can I get another one of these, honey, thank you? Laurel Dobrich, a creator job like her when she got all the nurses in the Garfield County emergency room to pay overtime at a counter. served dirty pork burgers that gave 80 people diarrhea, that's too much diarrhea even for me. Representative Laura Cooper voted against giving the police officers who defended the US Capitol the Congressional Gold Medal because she knows we must keep our precious metals where they belong, here. in our teeth, that's where Jesus put it to tempt rappers who play for the Orlando Magic.

Now some voters claim that Lala go worm is too right-wing, but she is not far-right. She married a guy who went to jail for showing her his Dingle hanger. a couple of teenage girls at a bowling alley and Lornie Bojangles is crying if you only see the right photo but never a video, so take it from a guy who also brought a gun to a Christmas party. Lauren Paul Blart is the right choice for the people of Colorado's Third District she inherited after her grandfather Carl died in a fireworks accident. I'm Lauren Bobert and I approve.