CORRECTIONS Episode 105: Week of Monday, June 10

♪♪ -I'm filming a stand-up special this

week

end in Chicago, and I admit, balancing the show and fine-tuning the special these past few days, there's a lot on my plate. And I say this because perhaps that's why this "Corrections" thing will be a bit . The plural of "minimum" is not "minimums", it is minimums. On the same note, the plural of "maximum" is maximum. So if someone says "I drive a Nissan Maxima," that's a car. But if they say "I drive a Nissan Maxima," that means they drive several Nissan Maximas. I explained it. Not the joke. I explained why that would be the case.

Last

week

I said that Nic Cage bought a dinosaur skull that had been illegally kidnapped in Mongolia. Many of you took issue with the word "kidnapped," stating that that is only the correct usage when a person has been kidnapped, not a thing. I took it as a direct quote from an interview Nic Cage did with The New York Times about the dinosaur skull. And at the end of the day, when you're trying to decide who's right about whether you can use "abductee" for anything, you know, the tie goes to the guy who bought the dinosaur skull.

He gave it back to me, which I thought was nice. I imagine that when you return a dinosaur skull that you have in your house, it leaves... like a giant empty space. And then Nic Cage has to go to a West Elm... and say, uh... "I need something the size of a T-Rex skull! Ideally not... illegally kidnapped." Maybe... Maybe Samberg inherited it from me. We don't know who stole the print from whom. Hey, I was on "Stephen Colbert" last night. What a treat. "Late Show", first time. And we actually made some

corrections

from him, and someone wrote in my comments after that: "Gosh, Colbert seems really nice.

How did we get to be one of his jackals?" Sorry, are you on a leash I don't know? It's the same YouTube. We had a joke... ...excuse me, about Donald Trump not giving a monologue. And then we showed him a receipt for his order. A couple of things, a lot of you did... They did the total and said we were $150 off. Um, and, uh, thanks for that. He also said that this didn't seem like the kind of items Donald Trump would order...in a restaurant. I think that's fair. I think if Donald Trump spent that much, we know his order would be... -55 hamburgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 pies, 55 Coca-Colas, 100 tater tots, 100 pizzas, 100 strips, 100 meatballs, 100 coffees. 55 wings, 55 shakes, 55 pancakes, 55 pastas, 55 peppers and 155 potatoes! -That won the Emmy in this category... but I don't think they will be eligible this year.

So we show it. We joked about... Someone thought Jolene's hair was too red. I don't have a joke for that. I just... ...thought it was interesting and someone thought it was worth saying. Um... So this was... she got the endorsement of a group of seniors, and someone took a picture and they said that thumb would be bad. Because that's the thumb you'd have in a selfie... and that's not a selfie. Day Drinking, someone wrote in the Day Drinking comments: "You need to stop doing this. You're embarrassing yourself." I guess my question for you is when do we get married?

Um... Jager Bomb is when you drop a Jager into a Red Bull. We pour it into a beer. We were wrong. Um... Oh, we had a joke. "A 97-year-old woman in Utah recently received her high school diploma. Wow. 97. Man, she must be dumb." Later in the monologue, we had a photo of a teenager in a different joke, and then I, on my own, said, he's studying for finals with that 97-year-old man. And then some of you were like, "Why? If she had already graduated, why was she studying for finals? Because she's dumb. Hey, we joked about Hunter Biden being mad about the fact that he might go to the jail". for a non-violent crime while White Hot... the White House dog had bitten a group of Secret Service agents, and his only punishment was to be sent back to Delaware.

And the problem is that Major is the White House dog who was sent back to Delaware. Delaware Commander is the dog that bit a bunch of Secret Service agents, and we kind of didn't know how to split the difference, uh, as to which one we should include in the joke. We spent a lot of time, the staff, trying to decide if we should say Major or Commander and in the end the only thing we could decide as to the correct name for the dog is that Cricket is the name of the dog. Kristi Noem murdered. You can get eye tattoos.

I attacked Trump for asking if you, um... He asked, I should say, at a rally, if you should stay on a sinking electric boat and risk being electrocuted. or if you should jump towards the shark. And I made the argument that you should stay away from the shark. You know, you don't have to jump for the shark. And then someone said, actually, swimming away from a shark is the worst thing you can do, because then a shark will chase you. They'll get a feel for you, and they said, um, the best thing to do is stay still.

Stay calm? In water? is that how it works? Uh, sometimes we show a clip of Jake Tapper being sarcastic to a guest, and then we're like, "You just got tapped," and someone writes, "Why is the Tapped logo over Seth's face? Shouldn't I be on the face?" of the person who was hit?" Yes. Yes, it should. My vampire Larry David did it last week. Lots of comments about how he didn't look anything like Larry David. The most hurtful one was... "The vampire looked like more Bernie with a Seinfeld twist than me." If the "I" didn't give it away, it was a text message from Larry David.

It didn't sound like Bernie Sanders, though. A Bernie Sanders vampire would sound like this. "I'm sick of it and tired... of the top 1% of vampires getting 99% of the blood! Not all vampires are rich. We think of vampires in castles. Not all vampires have chandelier-lit hallways. What about the blue-collar Vampires... who have to 'work'... ...two to three jobs a week... a 'veek'... ...on night shifts. We forget about that if he is a. "If the stake passes through a vampire's heart, he dies, but if it misses the heart, he needs medical attention." All right, but... if it was Larry David, if we could get him to do it, "Curb Your Vampirism." Here is my proposal for the first

episode

.

Hey, Larry, a vampire, has a new girlfriend, also a vampire. Vampires can't see her reflections, right? Then they go to a party and she asks him what she looks like because she has no way of knowing, right? And then she says, "Ehhh." It would be like "Ehhh." I think at the beginning of the

episode

...she's setting him up because it's been a week after daylight saving time and he hasn't changed the clocks. And at the end of the episode, they have a big fight and she's like, "Well, I'll be home before the sun comes up." But she got the time wrong... so she runs out the front door, phew!, engulfed in flames.

And he says, "The clocks!" Someone wrote: "Dogs don't sweat. They cool themselves by panting." And then I saw the scariest thing below: 52 responses. "Celebrity Baby Teeth". I know. I'm sorry. No exit. The most common comment now is "Please stop making celebrity baby teeth." I understand. I hope you appreciate it. I can't get out of this. Let's get through this as quickly as we can. "Just kidding. It didn't come like that. We added it to the tooth. Cute, right? At this point, you might be wondering why you, the viewer, are still watching Celebrity Baby Teeth. Or maybe you're wondering Don't try to answer those questions, answer this one.

Can you guess whose baby teeth they are? If, for some reason, you guessed the British power couple, David and Victoria Beckham, then you're right." Well. OK that's fine. It was a very short one. Like I said, I have a lot on my plate and, um, I can't emphasize enough, this is the least important thing I do. Um, let's see what else. I'll see... You'll see me next week.