Two Dads Just Livin' Like Larry
okay so I'll start you know I always wondered what people do with their time if they don't like go out the bars yeah really do constructive stuff yeah yeah yeah I feel it's you know well it'd be different if I had a podcast about educational stuff maybe you know like some people have like history podcasts where they go into whatever yeah mine's like a poop joke the podcast yeah people know you on the channel okay okay so this is my brother the guest star of failed hiking Appalachian video number one and the long awaited sequel failed hiking athletes video number two is shorter but sweeter hiking trip and then we came back and and I think on that hiking trip it might not have been on that hiking trip but I had had my daughter right and NZ let's face it you've always been more of a father type person than me I'm not exactly a father type guy but you've always been good with kids and you seem to like kids that's kind of recent yeah I used Locke is taken yeah and and I made funny I was like dude if you're gonna have kids you better do it yes because you're like five years older than me I was like dude by the time you're 18 the time the kids 18 you're gonna be like 60 you're yeah raising yeah no kids you're not gonna get all turn with dad because dad's there staring at ya and mysteriously less than six months later you had a knocked-up god you not only met a girl doctor but a girl seven years younger than me on...
tinder and it within four buds was like so how about we pull that IUD out and we'll see what happens and two weeks after that she walked into the
living room with a pregnancy test going yo and yeah you know what's funny about that is I was talking to mom like when you guys let's face it you I was wondering because like you you hold everybody is that kind of got his feelings hurt right so we have very southern bad is get my feelings we have very southern baptist family right and he comes to this family dinner and is
justlike guys we have an announcement me and this girl you've met one time having a baby and everybody looked like in the matriarch of the family and my grandma is
justlike so you believe who I saw at church the other day everybody yeah glossed over but like on the inside you could tell she was like what the and you like totally yes anyways I got her back on that named it after her husband yeah well I I was talking to mom and she's like well like how did this happen like was it an accident does he not know about condoms I taught him about condoms was like no no this was intentional' like and she was like oh that makes me feel so much better and she was like well why the was it intentionally been dating for like six was like dude guy wanted to get he got it yeah yeah yeah you know I wanted it I went out there and I took it I took a girl's youth and got the child I wanted man hey you know what you gotta chase those dreams and yeah grab I...
got it right the first time I had a boy so I didn't I didn't have to abort and then try again yeah yeah a lot of people want boys only yeah for some reason I was perfectly I don't want to deal with feelings I was yeah yeah the kids off I can always smack them in the back of the head don't quit you know I've thought about this with the with the boys you have to deal with like physical things in your house getting broken boys have the issue of like they in their diaper and then they like reach in there and the walls with it also do that they're very prissy but they do have like a girl can psychologically wreck me though I don't like that but I was thinking about this um they're petty you there let's face it less than us not the deer you know I like there's been this big revolution of not a big revolution but women are really trying to get to men and tell us like you don't understand what it's like being a woman day-to-day yeah and because they they
justhave to worry like we went out on the Appalachian Trail
justwhat some people might call we're trying to look like we're hiking right and it'd be honest it was kind of like we were desperately lurching forward looking for a bed hoping for the yeah yeah normal people would call that hiking but uh doing that as a woman is terrifying because we were out there
justconcerned about the weather but a woman is out there like oh the weather's horrible I had to worry about...
twisting my ankle and then I also to worry about getting raped to death so a concern it's like in the back of their head at all times and you know I thought they were exaggerating and then and then Abby hid my flashlight pissed off because I was always and so she hid it right and so I've been like I'm not going back to the Stone Age it's doing my hand the old fashioned the old yeah manually masturbating like a caveman and so uh I haven't been doing it right and then because I never understood like the woman's plight right because I'm docile and masturbated yeah I have the post nut clarity yeah and but then all of a sudden the caveman starts coming back in me like once I I haven't been whacking out for like a week and like I
justrealize like I was looking at some hot chick at like the gas station I was like dude I could take that she's like 150 pounds maybe take a I could stuff her in my trunk plenty of room that I was like I was
justthat they're like you ever seen like Family Guy right people on family all the time because of like poor writing and stuff and it's like tasteless jokes but there was one where like Brian
justBrian sees a hot chick and it
justgoes hey Stewie check it out straight ahead biracial slam peace Stewie
justgoes Brian she's a human being and I was like that's exactly what I was going through like I would
justlook at a human another human
justgo yeah slam peace I'm like I really need that...
fleshlight bag I'm
justdehumanized this person like look at that hole yeah and like now that I have a daughter I realize like there's people they're gonna be doing that to her yeah yeah yeah yeah you see the other side of the coin yeah you definitely do so I've realized like the only sensible thing I could like I have two paths of one as I could change my entire worldview and become a more considerate person or put her out of her misery and try again that boy you know yeah that's unlike no I yeah I think I'll
justgo for the more considerate person type thing yeah or
justget another fleshlight yeah those things have an expiration date I
justrealized like I really I would hope because I was you know when you use something every day you don't realize how worn out getting five years oh look at it like she's all stretched out it like I
justprobably buy a new one she didn't hide it I mean she's chucked it she opened it was like looks like downtown Baghdad what a looks like it doesn't have cellular regeneration Jesus Christ it's probably gonna do it so alright so Zach has a kid right and we to the hospital and and he doesn't matter what this little does he's crying that cry at Birth he cried when the kid got a hearing test this last month has been the most emotional month I've ever had yeah and it's like you like I guess was it called sincerity you're very sincere person yeah like I cried like a baby for two...
hours after after he was born and I feel bad for scenic because I never let her hold him she said there I said there like did you know I came over to do like their first 48-hour pictures you know I figured out have them as my test run on how the two portraits I don't know how to do portraits and and so I'm there to do an amateur cataloging of their life and and I come in and Zach's in the corner holding the baby well like Christina Duchess no but a baby gets like a hearing test done in sac is
justwelling up with tears so proud over his son pass yeah they really still looked over at me I'd have cried up looking so proud of you buddy a good job yeah and yeah the hearing specialist printed off a second certificate so that I could frame it pretty bit yeah it was as for yes his first trophy and it was a participation trophy he actually earned that yeah so by having a basic human function yeah it's killing in trophy room on the mantelpiece my son has ears well Adam II was pissed off because she was like she said it in the hospital she's like Sam didn't a cry Sam didn't he has it she's like I've known him for she's known me since seventh grade she's like I've never seen him cry once and last time I cried was when a dad broke my arm on Father's Day which I love telling that story cuz it sounds horrible when you
justaunt but it was like I broke my own arm with his eye distance I forgot about that Oh what's the story with...
that again we were wrestling or something and he like growled were you I don't know I I was young it was so young that um I had like cartilage in my elbow still it wasn't like own it wasn't bone on bone yet which is why it wasn't that bad of a break but what it was is he grabbed my arm we're wrestling he grabbed my arm and then I put both of my feet to his chest and went like pushed off and it like it's like yeah it
justup my arm and and then we went to the hospital and I was like they were like what happened I was like my dad broke my arm and everyone was
justlike looking at him like what the you monster it broke this little boy's arm because you know kids are never evil yeah and then you realize that once you're a parent that kids are to you there's some kids that are
justshitty but I was I guess oh yeah so Abby wasn't there complaining about me not ever crying with like Madeline and then I think I I realized what it is see for you this is the first thing you've ever made yeah that's become something yeah but as a gamer I've had many beautiful creations in other worlds and I've become so Doland by their deaths over here this is
justanother playthrough to me baby I'll see how it works now yeah you know if I have to bury it early you know I'll
juststart over new game no yeah it's horrible if heavy do have you start listening to this podcast I tell you that know how I talked about that and I was like Abby...
doesn't listen to him she hates everything I do she hates
justtalking to me normally why don't you listen to a recorded version we whoo-hoo in the right moments come home and be like see see what you did all day is
justyou on somebody like yeah well wasted years she thought she could mold me and change me into something and she failed miserably the with her you know what's funny is when we started dating we were so young that we were like not people yet right yeah and then thankfully we as you get older you turn into a couple different people what you're still finding yourself yeah you know we ended up with it the end result is we still get along yeah you know yeah well do you'll do well yeah considering you know if you
justget rid of her seething hatred of me we do know it's seething silent contempt and that she hides under chin height of that well to be honest yeah well I'm you could you live with me that's why I moved to a later date Dido it honestly you had moved out before that cuz you'd pretty much walled off your bedroom you had a doorbell I don't watch it was right when bluetooth came out I don't wireless doorbell I put it on my door that is the whole way yeah not dude like I've always been like a paranoid guy about security and I was like man I wonder if that's like genetic or something and then I remember no it you made me this way I used to wake up with you scrounging through my changed or right yeah I need...
Dippet of natty like 15 yeah our parents divorced when I was 14 15 there's what five years between us mm-hmm so yeah Sam was at a very impressionable age yeah when all of a sudden I thought I was man of the house and whatever I did you know was law and I I was a handful and so we basically I ran like frat parties out of the house and Sam is act I'm not sure if you've noticed this but
justlooking at us that was like the popular guy in high school and I was the didn't go to high school I was so not popular high school that I didn't even go and I had so much fill of like his social life that was like you know I'm checking out of this I don't need this in my life yeah I didn't I didn't it's funny you didn't want to be in my shadow and now 15 years later I bask in your glow no oh yeah brother general sale you know I was actually gonna talk about this I was like okay so usually the firstborn is the one that like you as the second born you have to live up to them wrong in today's day and age there every single one of my friends if they are a firstborn yeah they are the ultimate fuck-ups I
justhad to bury a friend that was a firstborn yeah
justno well actually there there's something to be said about I think your quote unquote microgeneration right because before generations were like oh I'm a millennial and that kind of bothers me yeah you are but because society is moving so fast and technology is moving so fast I feel like...
generations should be shortened yeah because there is a massive difference between you and me and there's only five years blowing yeah I'm pre technology you hit like social media hit when you were in high school no all I had was social media yeah like from the time I was elementary school yeah you know I was learning HTML to make my myspace show off oopah stank album art dude Hoobastank slap back in the day I don't give a but uh so we we had CB radios and our trucks cuz the way had cellphones yeah but we could yeah we could that's how we communicated sube radio it was a point I was getting I was white trash the okay so there's like a small gap between us but when you were getting out of high school and going in your generation was getting out into the world yeah the recession happened yeah the real estate market collapsed into its yeah I was doing a construction at the time the movie the big short that movie happened right when his age group was going out into the world and then we were halfway through college and all the boomers were like we routin your lawyer to go to Broadway you
justdrove the world like fell apart right when I was and so then all the employers are looking like whoa I see there's a minor gap in your employment history it's like you you're writing mortgages to find there's strippers at like eight mortgages dumb ugly economy it's so like there's like an entire that little micro age group yeah serious long...
reaching of like yeah yeah like have you ever heard of like the dead generation or whatever in Japan like in the late 80s their economy collapsed and then it didn't pick back up until the 2000 so like yeah this before likes too old to have gotten good job yeah so yeah there's
justeverybody that was like coming of age in the 90s they
justkind of sat there for 10 years
justdoing nothing yeah yeah and I feel like that happened you know with with you but what's funny is you went you full-on embraced it let's admit you were trying your damnedest to be the black sheep you got the tattoos he's got like the goat head thing on his name F of it yeah he's got he's got it all uh yeah trying to be on the fringe of society as much as possible but but still employable but you never thought I would be the black sheep because mom can go to talk to her friends be like oh my son does I don't want to like Docs you or anything and I don't want people to be able to yeah my son does blank blank and she's proud of your job and everything but she can't talk about mine because they start asking questions and she and you could tell moms to weird it out about me yeah you were in that group text that I was like yeah tell inertia and senator pictures and she's like what the is wrong with this kid like I read he was when we were kids I was the good one and you were the rebellious one and now I feel like the lines have crossed and I'm like...
you're getting more responsible and more than like a Normie as you're morphing yeah and so ultimately I'm the tattoo loose black sheep of this family I feel like it's going that way you know I'm happy to embrace it I'm happy to embrace it did you see those pictures I sent her hey in in the group text it was like yeah like two days ago oh yeah yeah the the backstory to that is there's a I moved into this neighborhood right this pretty urban area and it's it's like mix it selling you live in the bad part of town no no nothing lives in suburbia yes a bird I met yes uh Brianna urban yeah not and go buy a crack rock that's why you used to live yeah that's where I thrive I can't I can't go outside of my house without ten bucks to buy a mixtape from my neighbor across the street dude those make safe half the time they're empty that business we have it's like dude if I'm gonna buy your shitty mixtape at least have some shitty music on it that's what I want though like sell you a mixtape it'll be empty I'm like hey best con I've ever seen was one of my co-workers yes when iPads first came out and got showed up and like I I worked at a at a business that was in a very bad part of town and guy shows up he had iPads for sale like stupid cheap yeah and I had this hood rat guy working with me and he was like oh by three because he had like three kids and we were like 22 years old yeah right and hand the guy the...
money guy gave him the boxes drives off and Josh opened him up and there were pieces of ceramic tile that had been cut and put it in the box and I remember as Suzy open the door as Suzy go put the Box I was like dude that got lost his the third hour like a week's worth of pail you know last Christmas I saw or maybe the Christmas before that it was when drones were really big and they're first coming out yeah when her dad was buying alone yeah and he always created we traded Christmas presents because you were you were tired of helping me get my drone out of a tree really all the way he like got a drone and then was like on the test flight he didn't sit there and go like hover it in front of him until he learned the controls he was
justlike hey let's cut it up in the Gulf Stream he was like let's see if this thing goes up to the stratosphere and he
justwent up you got it lodged up in like the canopy of a live oak tree and then was like trying to get me to create some sort of hook thing with my drone it's not there for two days with a string and a carabiner trying trying to rope that thing out and yeah I was
justtake mine so I don't know what happened with that second one I'm assuming you flew it straight up McGarry next day this is what I was
living out and Apalachicola National Forest yeah I go outside a middle of nowhere put it down in the middle of my dirt road I got my two dogs with me and I
justgo yeah and I...
lost sight of it it
justwell like those in the sky I saw there I look back at the I look down at the dogs dogs are looking to me like don't ask and I
just45 seconds I was out there for 40 bucks it
justwent inside all right it's it you
justyeah I never saw it come back down somewhere it doesn't come back down on its own sake you are the controller I know eventually you're gonna get out of range it's not a boomerang like I'm out of range go back to home no like a Roomba for the size I had I mean homes relative home is car members I never even saw it fall oh yeah yeah it go like a satellite like it'll yeah like slowly descend back okay no even fall like I did not see I'm like well that was it o-o into Sputnik do it three days yeah it's yeah well during Christmas like a couple years ago there was this guy that you could tell worked construction and we're leaving Target and he got out of his car and was like frantically running to the front of Target and he goes and he like stopped us he's
justlike have you guys seen any drones around here I was like up in this guy he's like no no like boxes drones three of them I was like no he's a god apparently he bought them for his kids and put him on the bottom part of the Oh on the shopping cart and unloaded his whole shopping cart and forgot him on the bottom side and there were each like 200 bucks apiece and he
justsaid land you know he's a construction guy he probably that...
probably cleaned his ass out oh you say those make bang they make Bank but if you're in construction usually you're pretty old-fashioned so you know his wife doesn't work she's still trying to play that 1950s game yeah listen here it's 2019 ladies get your asses to work same I Love Lucy dumbass it's our turn man you go out there and be the best seek climb that corporate ladder be a millionaire so we could be stay-at-home
dadsyou know my girl my girl was swearing up and down she wasn't gonna work and I was scared yeah yeah she needs to embrace women's rights on that yeah go back the ambitious yeah I've been telling Abby you know if you want to invent like a electric car or something go for it I can old you whatever you want to do you ever seen Scrooge McDuck diving through the gold coins yes that's a dream of beer and a few layers but I don't want to earn the coins like I feel like the dive is other people's coins yeah the dive it's much more pleasurable when it's not your I think it worked for it if it's your blood and the hard work and sweat on those coin it's not nearly as fun to dive through because I've seen on Instagram like those trophy wives man they have a fun time spinning all that money but the guys that earn the money are in the back of their head they're sweating a little yeah when they're when they're doing paragliding and they're like it's
justcosting 1,500 I don't know...
what this cos cos I didn't work for I don't care I think about like going on a vacation or something that that's the dude that's the thing now is like and it really pisses me off but uh whenever I take time off now I'm like not only am i spending money but I'm not making money all right only to make money you know I got vacation time yeah but you know I I work off of kind of a commission based job so it's like what are they doing at work yeah are they making me money you know so yeah I hate that I've become where I don't like taking time off yeah and I I feel the exact same way and yeah you're a hundred percent commission yeah but if I stopped working and the thing is like I have to be on the ball you know yeah because I've realized sometimes you get into like these not depressive slumps but like you know you realize like a couple months ago you were a little bit more have an off day yeah but you ever have like an off month yeah you know and although this month is enough money for me I'll look back through my cat Wow suspiciously I think your kids about a month old depression start the second he came the second he walked out of the womb and starts stomping all over your dreams and the aspirations I was feeling fitting that he came out of the womb he was brain business everywhere everywhere I want to hold that first thought out of my head I was like wait did you cut the umbilical cord it was wrapped around his neck and it was...
broke ah when they wouldn't uh when you know they cut her open that's how Stallone was born that's good I'll tell him that yeah he's older I want you know well that's why Stallone has like the slumped palsy face ain't stole I hope so this podcast no I mean like you can tell like they could tell immediately they're like something's up with Stallone's face like yeah yeah his name's Henry by the way I already that up whatever you want take his identity that's have you ever seen those stories on reddit of like people they they like turn 18 they're trying to build their credit and realize their parents had pulled out several large lines of credit everything I always like to keep Christina on her toes because I'm what's called a homosexual I sleep around for housing and so as soon as because Social Security card I go what do you think is credit limit it was like you can't open a credit line it is there yeah I can't I have a social felt like people I always see that the negative side of that right where like people open up big lines of credit and their kids name and then
justtank it right because who would do that unless they're
justevil I have friends that had that happened to him really yeah I was thinking like what if I did the opposite like open up line of credit and like nurture it so like my kid get through the 18 to buy a house no but then I think I didn't work for it yeah I think so then...
justtake it themselves yeah I think I got a buddy in high school that that happened to and he had one of the he filed bankruptcy before we were 21 as I say like I thought look building credit is a it's something that there's a reason they start you out really low because they know you're gonna up it's something you should up on because then you realize you're like dude about that $400 whatever you know that $400 meal yeah something that's gone in an instant you know like and now I'm paying like 58 dollars a month extra to pay this thing it'll be under $700 meals again sucks and then and then because they they dude they start like every six months they start extending that credit limit and now I could really up yeah fifteen thousand dollars up in one afternoon if I wanted yeah have you ever see people like buy cars with credit cards like what are you doing yeah so they got when he percent interest rate I pretty much have not had a car in ten years yeah
justa motorcycle yeah and you can't carry a baby on a motorcycle yeah so I got to get someone hasn't seen Raising Arizona someone's on this in a file and so I'm I'm on the hunt for a car with air conditioning that you know my baby could survive in if you know got in a wreck yeah and with with nothing like I don't have a car to trade in Yeah right or anything so it's like I've
justbeen scrounging up every penny I have for a down payment I'm looking...
at them I'm looking at getting a new car - yeah you'd mentioned that yeah because I carry two kids I assume well have you seen how I have a 2005 Honda Element let's be honest I'm not I'm not one of those like people act like once you get over like five thousand YouTube subs you're like oh yeah put on the lease on the Lambo but because of the content I make there's different add brackets on to write your the low MP lowest possible ad bracket really I am at the very bottom what is the top the top is like like makeup tutorials kids unboxing videos those creep me out they creep me out too but do they get like don't it likes me wonder what kind of youth were like don't get like $15 CPM like for every thousand views I get like 50 bucks clicks per I don't know what it means oh yeah it's a they'll get like 10 15 bucks per thousand views I have like $1 see and so I'll see channels that I'm like yeah he's doing alright yeah because I look at like views per month yeah and and then I realize like damn this got pretty clean content several times more money so that wholesome
living is really paid of yeah not me dude I sit there and wallow and the filth of the Internet and I love it and it's not fine everywhere we're seeing an ad where they real they'd realized that somebody that was doing unbox videos yeah it was it was some retired porn star huh wonder if she made more money with her hands than than with her vagina...
vagina why does that matter like does that I guess from advertiser perspective they don't want to be seen on yeah on there yeah that's weird it was a couple years ago yeah you know the there's this guy he's not in the porn that I watch because if it's consensual I don't watch it you know like that bald guy that's in like every porn video report you don't watch it lie to my face sitting in my own goddamn house lying to me and well I forget his name but he's
justlike mr. clean he looks like agent 47 he's a bald guy okay he's basically he's
justa nondescript like blank page blank slate of a human because every guy goes like awkward looks yeah every guy's like I mentally putting myself in the position of this guy yeah I'm imagining that it's me with the giant perfect penis yeah okay the penis that doesn't go off to the side and zigzag looking like if I could cockroach's leg mine looks like mine looks like a like a Jacob's Ladder toy when you unfold it it's got elbows in it so this guy Johnny sins that's his name okay so Johnny sins he has a youtube channel I went and checked it out right right this guy is for a dude that does nothing but lay pipe on all day he's such a wholesome guy he's like the nice lady yeah I feel like they probably all are yeah he's like he's saying yeah man so uh you know cuz you gotta find a connection somewhere and at work it it's not it's not there...
justchilling I got a feeling after production like after a gangbang yeah they all go out for ice cream yeah you know what I mean yeah I've always you ever like fantasize like different like what if not if your life had turned out differently but what you would do I do that every way well yeah like what you do in a different situation yeah yeah I've always thought about that like thousand of porn I like I would be a nice guy and bring him out to hey you want to go do like something yeah and they know all that comes from the person that stated the same person for yeah yeah well I'm not saying he'd be like an enjoyable meal the whole time we were eating I would sit there and break down their performance and what I hated about it by the way I thought your was pathetic it was and you really really give Joe a lot more attention you ever seen the the rise of Huck pornography ever heard of cuck pornography yeah I've heard of it yeah and have you ever noticed it's like it's always like a black eye piping this guy's girlfriend it's like that the guys always like in the chair
justlike yeah what really pisses me off is the guy that's in the chair slumped over always looks like me like a white guy with glasses and I'm like it's not me I would be there helping and holding his balls and everything I'm more of a participator than that am I gonna cry in the chair no I'm always there no but I...
always watch that and like people get so angry you I'm assuming you know having your father as a and my father as a our Father our Father yeah as a Jewish guy I love looking up like Jewish conspiracies this is great like the whole world is against these people yeah it's like everybody acts like the whole or say the family guy thing where it flashes back to the Jews were marching across the desert or something and the one the one you know like before the pyramids you know yeah and he's like you know every great religion has their struggle we're getting ours out of the way right at the Gideon you know yeah it's good we're doing it now Donna humanity will be accepted from here on out it's a family guy they got some they get some good moments they do there there's like on all these uh the cook threads whenever they're started cuz some people really get off on that people think they've even moved in like started anti-semitism in the porn industry where they're like the Jews are behind this cuz pornography like I don't know the the mindset behind it but like somehow the Jewish people are I think what it is is Jews they the only people that are in the cut porn or people so rich that they have nothing like nothing else excites them yeah yeah and so they're
justnever there money like what are we gonna do let's hire a black guy because for real my wife yeah well I think what it is is like they the people that are saying this is a...
conspiracy where it's nothing but Jewish people peddling this weird cuck porn to the rest of us is that Jewish people say that you should only marry a Jewish person if you're Jewish you should only marry a Jewish person but then in because they own all the media companies they're like but the rest of you do what you will in fact I'll start making pornography to convince you to have sex with all these interracial things you know and it's
justweird that like anti-semitism has gotten so strange goddamn Jews tell me how to whack off I missed the good old days when they were
justpulling the strings on the world economy you stay out of my masturbating Jews go back to doing crazy central banking schemes so this is why I'm in the lowest ahead bracket on making fun of horrible Jewish stereotypes is not a good start all right I do have a list of things talked about okay all right yeah going back I was I was talking about those pictures I was in Imam and the group text thing yes and the reason that started was she was asking me okay so way back when I first moved to this house I'm in the heart of suburbia right and everybody is all happy around me and everything and and they didn't know who had moved in right they didn't know the man that had moved in he
justlooked like a nice friendly like they're like you know an officer at local bait you know yeah and and so when hurricane Michael came through I think hurricane Michael that's one that...
really up I say that was the one where our our uncle had a good laugh because you had always been I don't need cash you know Cash's old stuff you know and then it hit and all the debit machines all the debit card swipers were down and you were like I need ice yeah no problem is there was no ice oh we got eyes yeah I had to come get you and in the fight no no it worked because you
justswiped and then they ran as credit and then they'll charge you when they got their power back oh did that yeah the world has moved past remember it differently I thought I thought I had cash and I hey you might've I don't know yeah I'm
justlike him I'm in my mind to be right anyway so that the hurricane happened right and this is modern suburbia right so nobody talks to each other I've I'd never really talked to my neighbors and then all of a sudden power goes out no cable no power it's hot everybody has a freezer full of food that's where you can ability yeah you
justknow things Evan everybody starts barbecuing and all the guys on the front porch and there's no TV like everybody like comes out like goblins like you dude dude I met every neighbor yeah every neighbor on this goddamn block I met I shook hands with we were great friends were like this guy this cool guy's been
living here this whole time I didn't even know and I became friends I let my gas grill to the people next door and then and I and I even joked with him - I was like...
this is funny cuz we're all great friends but the second that power comes on we never get talk alone everybody goes back their holes you ever talk to anybody says have you yeah I've been I've been talking to some of them but then III do have a couple stories about the the falling out of our relationship with each neighbor that I became so close with their America I know you've been like peacock into your your one neighbor over here right that guy that gave the the grill too so he could cook his food he can bring it to a whole new level you've been like texting that guy my god I got his cell phone number and he yeah he's a cool guy and he's young he's I think younger and me and I was like dude he's the only other young guy in the neighborhood and he seems like a cool hip guy I and I was like and he seems like he has a good sense of humor right and you know right off the bat I was making up jokes and so he was laughing I thought he was I thought we were on the same wavelength and so like out of the blue I texted him
justa picture of me in like this fight stance with the I pants pulled up to my nipples and I'm like bro outside 10 minutes right now I'm gonna beat your ass he never responded they didn't respond two days later I was like all right this guy's a so then I send another picture of me in some weirdest position with like my socks pulled up over my pants and everything I was like bro right now man dance front-yard 10...
minutes never responded I kept doing it for like a week and a half and now you know he kept like looking at this wisely and now he pulls into his driveway and uses the side door so he like if he sees me in the front yard he actively avoids me you're going to the side you're so good at up a good thing going through the side door you won't use this front door anymore scabs is like oh yeah she's ready to move she's kind of this about it so then I and then um let's see who else we got here I had a I had a bunch of oh there's a Jewish lady next door that's like she's super old-school but yeah I remember I met her I was like how you do it when when the hurricane hit I was like hey how you doing she's like you got my ice yeah she's very intense right yeah and she was telling me that uh some guard looks immaculate yeah she's very attention to detail oriented and she but she's very clean her not
justin the way she keeps things but like her mentality like very clean humor kind of person so and she was saying something about Jewish people can't be organ donors so she's not organ donor and I
justimmediately interrupted I said that's not true they can turn eight the foreskins using those get it up give it to someone else well I got a skin graft through something and she's
justlike looked away from me and if you talk to us for a month after and and he's like what the foxy she hit me the second I said it I thought it...
was funny the third one these are all my closest neighbors about this is the guy on the right side of me in the lady on the left so and then there's this other lady that has a family and I not only know her I know her husband I know their kids they're cool people they're kind of young they're like probably your age to be honest and but they're pretty wholesome so I don't know no they were down at the park and they were down there with their friends who were this story is gonna make me out to be like this incredible racist right they were down there with uh with a black family okay and the black the black family was a man woman and uh and two kids okay and I went down there with Madeline I was gonna go do the swings and stuff and so I went down there said hi to them shook their hands and everything and then I went on and do my swing thing and then they started going back to the house and I started like I waited you know a couple minutes and then we started going back and and on my way through the playground I noticed there was a little black baby doll on one of the benches that was left there okay Oh black baby doll all children only black family I've seen here the kids I grabbed it I was like naturally this is theirs yeah so I like run up by didn't forgot your doll hey you forgot your doll in the second they turn around I realize the two kids that they have are like twelve-year-old boys I'm like and they looked at me like I was and at...
that moment I realized I'm like I make the biggest face the whole time hey you forgot your dirt color doll down at the playground can't leave this riffraff down there at the playground and I was like oh and then they haven't spoken to me since three the three neighborhood relationships I'm gonna have to find new people to talk to but these are my like my closest neighbors and in the neighborhood I've hooked that up already what are your fond memories of our childhood together you being the youngest person by five years in the neighborhood but you ran that place like you were Tony Montana you know it's funny it's a I've had no problem kids were in high school and they tremble seeing Samko they're like it like you know our next-door neighbor Steve yeah yeah I used to come home from school and I would act like I lost my key and like force my way into his house cuz he had an xbox before we had an Xbox yeah dude add on my key okay come in there and plate into Z and he was like I guess and I was like I'm not like it's stupid I can tell when I'm not wanted yeah but ten shoes II was on the other side or my god whatever it takes no you know what I remember as I remember we we had that a hewitt packard pc in the the sunroom yeah right yeah and that was back when they thought the the color of technology and innovation was cream cream yeah they were sitting there at all the Compaq at everywhere they're like what's a good color for a...
computer space-age technology cream it's cream and we had that in the sunroom which was like glass on all sides and this there everybody could see you from every direction that was the first piece see we ever had no well yes yeah we had a web TV before that yeah web TV doesn't count because I'm talking this is the first PC that we could whack off at I'm not gonna whack off in my parents bedroom but yeah so being like going into puberty a grown man isn't going to whack off in a sunroom where his neighbors can see him at night with the lights on in there you
justa masturbatory aquarium but god damn oh no all our neighbors are
justlike well it's 8 o'clock 8 o'clock it that our neighbors suck you watch over their kids subtle the boy a good beat as meat will be in a sausage those before streaming video so like you would pull up a picture of titties and you'd have to wait for it to load remember the graphics card went out and so everything got an orange tint but but dad had already left the house oh and you know maybe man of the house I you know my well because we're beating off the orange tits you know so you're you're older than my fiance yeah and we were uh we were talking about the good old days right and at sleepovers watching scramble porn I think I've talked about this before yeah the the the cable box yeah go up to you ladies plate yeah you get like Playboy TV and for like four seconds you'd get some purple tits...
yeah you know like up across yeah I you say you would sit there infanticide like you said well women's breasts look like a modern art like yeah and it had like elevator music so you know Christy knows she's pretty much always been digital age she had no idea what I was talking about Yeah right when we head so I had to google it and there's a whole subset of porn of like scrambled porn yeah yeah like it's it's almost like a fetish or like a do remember playing with the cable at the back of the box to try to improve the picture signal on the titty yeah yeah I remember beat my meat and hold in the dude and that was back when like the TV was like a TV now is it's a television I remember I remember my pubes standing on it because I'm all ears but I'm too close to the TV and so I'm getting a static it's very real guys that whack off in front of their to DVD cos the I used to give that bit your good deed goes like rot in the picture we go everyone TVs used to be like a piece of furniture I have wood paneling I remember watching Joe Dirt and Joe Dirt's like biological parents there's the scene where like he's in their house and I remember watching it with mom and they had the same TV as the TV we watch it and I paused it I'm like we gotta get new TV like they're using it as a prop he had four white-trash in this movie and we have this TV moms like alright yeah we're gonna you know these people are caricatures of redneck...
white trash and we own the things that they own like the water boy and eating a alligator on a stick it was like I remember what if I like one of the things that pissed me off the most growing up was I realized that it was a tough time
living for you oh you're sit there you're like I am ready to shine and this place is hell like I remember the PC right I couldn't have anything like on it that was mine cuz it was the family PC I've always been very privacy oriented yeah and and so that I realized the people that own the thing once you have the money yeah you control whatever you buy so you remember the the the newest PC in the house and the only privately-owned PC in that communist hellscape for the house was the one that I bought with my own goddamn running pay for that thing with quarters and straight from milcom and I remember I caught it and mom's like where you gonna put it I'm like put in my bedroom she's like you can't have a PC in your bedroom my mom you told me ever since I started getting allowance that I whatever I buy with my own money I can do whatever I want with it like that was a time she was like now turn it off I'm like well it's mine she's like no I bought it and I'm like listen here I bought this yeah I could buy it and hit it with a hammer and
justbreak it right now in front of you it's mine I'd said I can do what I want with it so she relented let me put it in my my room right and so I finally had...
my own PC and I remember you I think at some point they're like the other PC was broken and so models like the only one of the house hey I need you I need you too dude my myspace I need to update I need to let everybody know that Linkin Park's hybrid theory was the hottest album this year and I was like no it's mine and moms like say no let your brother use your PC and I was like dude those of you that have pcs now and are teenagers know exactly that was bracing through my mind like whenever like Abby gets on my computer I'm like what the like I'm like dude I can go faster like what do you want to look at like don't touch the address part not it what do you want to look at and and that's like you would get on there and I'm
justsitting there like sweating bullets like what the look what weird Japanese board is about a pop up on the screen yeah but he's like back then it was so normal it was like because you know what bored well you know how porn goes you start watching everybody had like tub girl at first it was like normal stuff in the beginning but in the beginning it's homey so you start off with
justlike naked women yeah and then this is the progression of it for youngsters out there start off with
justnaked women for at first the opposite sex does it for you yeah and then you want to see that person dominated into the dirty and then it gets progressively worse and more depraved as it goes on and then you're into people with...
genitals that shouldn't belong to me you know we I got nothing against miss vex but you're starting to lose me on this conversation it's such a funny topic because everybody everybody it's like so heated the debate is on it I've never understood like the hatred like people will get visibly upset about it and you know my audience is like it's a lot of right-wingers and my audience really heavy like right nationalist pig to my audience which is funny because I'm pretty literal people suck but uh they'll get like really upset about the chicks with dicks you know yeah I never understood the hey it's
justa woman with genital I understand know exactly where the is on that thing is on the end you can see the timeline of the progression of things becoming derogatory slurs and I'm talking a lot of them starting like 2013 and then 2014-2015 like there's a lot of words that you think are okay for those people that you will get suddenly we become our grandparents we're like really quick same boat yeah really quick did I used to get called as a kid and I signed a paper in like middle school of and I got if I got like written up for it and because it's a derogatory slur I'm like my name said that's what they call me and apparently there was this way little here's like this book in the 1890s or something called little black boy I don't even know existed not even then I mean like 1940s or 50s you go to Florida you get a...
little postcard of a little Gator like with a black kid at its mouth you know oh really yeah huh yeah I got a question what do you think racism will be dead I've given this a lot of thought nationally or worldwide nationally 150 years 150 you think I was thinking about this like people are very concerned about well I think there has been a recent uprising and yeah in the amount of racist that's happening but I was thinking like a lot of times fast but not a lot of life has passed because our our parents well that's where we're doing our part because we're having kids at a very young age all right you're oldest biblically you would be on your deathbed I'm an outlier but most of my friends have like 8 10 year-olds really yeah damn oh yeah I have a month old I was thinking about this the like the people that raised us our mom remembers desegregation yeah she remembers the whole white and black water fountains to him and so we have an aunt Lily never talked to a black person until after high school yeah and and then and then and so we're raised by these people they grew what didn't like they went through a lot of their childhood like that and then it's not like as soon as they made the one water fountain everybody's like all right hey buddy hey you go on ahead and we're in the deep south so let's be out at the Baptist Belt you know yeah they're not exactly the nicest colored folk around here right and and then so we were...
raised by them and so of course some of that's got to be left on us I mean you went around in high school there was at I was pretty racist piece of yeah and she had the the rebel flag thing that was before people thought that was bad yeah they and I talked about that a good bit cuz like yeah there there's a lot of that we did in high school that that would not fly no yeah your guns the school because we don't like skeet shoot after school yeah you know and rebel flag t-shirts you know yeah you know it's funny is they always get mad about nobody in my graduating class is gonna be running for public office what everybody gets mad about like the the they're like the rebel flag is part of our heritage how am i you know I never see anybody touting the rebel flag talking about and they're always like it's not about the slavery of the racism yeah like it's about the heritage um like I never hear I'm talking about like the politics of the Confederacy god damn and I want more state power I hate this centralized federalist government it's never about that right it's about the racism but yeah yeah but uh another thing is sitting on your porch those wholesome values of sitting on your porch watching other people even black people if you're cotton you know I heard someone's argument for slavery they were like they're like we never hated you guys we
justhated picking cotton Oh like that is oddly true and okay but you know white...
people were out there picking this like there has to be a better way you know it sucks when you're like dude I'm willing to go to the farthest reaches of what I think the world is right and people think about the logistics of that back in the day those are for planes and they were like do sail off as far as you can see okay two weeks if you get over there because we don't have a weather system so there might be a hurricane in the middle of that hope you don't run out of water on the way or get you a V or a get capsized in the Bermuda Triangle right if you do make it please capture some people I don't care who they are and bring them back over here because this plant sucks this sucks but goddamn I need my my Hanes t-shirt anyways you're talking about public office I was you know that
Justin Trudeau with his black face have you seen that you know it's funny is everybody's getting mad about like that Virginia Governor doing his black face and and there's a bunch of other people that I've gotten to try you know who was it like it was like North Carolina's governor is that I was yeah but the governor stepped down like immediately after getting elected yeah right step down and the lieutenant governor took over and like three days after swearing in for that then it's like hey you remember all these black face pictures he's accidentally uh yeah like they really batted a thousand on collecting somebody but that guy he stood his...
ground he's like well I'm all you got well they know what's funny about that is the all those pictures we're in like the 80s in that in the early 90s the and then the Cavanaugh's with like his booth thing that it was like on his high school yearbook that was like in the 70s right a nice but what cracks me up about
Justin Trudeau the beacon of hope for recive left us those pictures were taken like 2002 on a digital camera way after you should have known that ain't right yeah yeah and there's like a like a video of him taking with like a Motorola RAZR everyone those are popular dude you weren't if you weren't coming to school the Motorola RAZR I yeah I remember I have when we worked together doing a apartment maintenance oh you remember that yeah oh hell yeah that was the company phone I remember I was like I'm hot I got this you know dude I that was back when I had my seaman's phone which cracked me up because you know name was Siemens it that thing was good that was back when like every company was making cell phones before they actually took skill to make now they're like super computers yeah and so you have to have some basic like a factory with good infrastructure in order to make a good cell phone but back then it was like hey
justthrow some in there and put a sim card in it so like every company like Daewoo probably made itself there's like people made like microwave cellphones whatever they're like KitchenAid...
cellphone like everybody had a cell phone and I had the Siemens cell phone which I don't think they make them anymore Yamaha yeah I'm Fraser they I bet you leak so really they make everything I bet you they had one but uh yeah that
Justin Trudeau he had like pictures of India isn't stepped down or anything he's
justlike oh yeah I an election here he's
justholding on everything kids hoping yeah he should probably try to turn it into something positive it's like I included all of you I felt like I wanted to be him right feeling comfortable in the skin I'm in now I mean you should be able to really do you remember the the n-double-a-cp the lady that yeah turns out like yo made you you're white as apple pie like dude I follow all these like black nationalists on Twitter I love it dude as you would think you would think black people would band together and make as much of a community effort as possible to for change but then there's these black nationalists I follow on Twitter that do nothing but hate other black people with a seething passion at first I really liked following the black Hebrews because they're like black Israelites are in Harlem that dude that hate they're Jewish but they hate other Jewish people yeah and there they are I remember dad was not a fan of those guys oh my god I thought they were hilarious because they I've never seen they're there on the sidewalk in New York City and they bring this guy to tears in...
less than 20 seconds it and I don't care what political affiliation you are what religion you are you have to admire the grind if you have perfected your craft to the point where you can make someone reduce someone to tears 30 seconds
justby meeting them they didn't know him before it'd be different than like raped his mom and then they met him again yeah yeah I had no emotional connection to him and they reduced here's no expectations that is some craft do that that's retail another level so these black nationalists they're there black people that hate other black people that aren't descendants of slaves and so they're like they're fighting for reparations right yeah but I don't want the other board people and they'd and wagon if you dude if you're from Nigeria and
justcame over recently yeah look at here you're not an African descendant of slaves and so I follow there that's what's called a das African descent honestly so I follow him on Twitter dude these people they eat each other alive I have never seen such like like I thought white people were mean to each other or white be more mean to other races Yahoo's eat and do you've seen black nationalists tear apart another black man I'm out of my comfort yeah every day but like me it's like well I I don't think I've said anything bad am i was gonna promote this video but now I'm
justgonna let it go I've been said anything bad have I...
no no okay I can talk about black nationalists who's nothing wrong with that yeah yeah honestly to be honest I don't care your political affiliation but if you're gonna get to the point where you're out there like with a picket sign you're a douche bag I don't care what side of the spectrum yeah I don't do that if you're at that point where you're like if I can whatever all right there's a difference between no I won't spend my after my time is precious you know it I mean it's different if you're doing like a please don't build the pipeline through our neighborhood that I that I cannot yeah like if it's against like corporate interest but I'm not gonna sit there and like I don't know I have a friend that went to Standing Rock let's stand it oh is that out there in uh yeah the whole pipeline deal the one in Hawaii no in Montana uh her way I'm ever seen that documentary the Bros of fracking no no it's like these dudes that they go to college it's one of them vice documentaries yeah I think around the time the Vice went to wanted everybody says the voice is gone to yeah nobody likes vice coincidentally around the time that that crazy white supremacist Gavin McGinnis left apparently he was the glue that held the whole thing together it takes a special level of incipio like Shane Smith really yeah well I think what makes a good news thing like alternative news thing like that is differing opinions...
and you can tell since Gavin McGinnis is insane and like kind of right-wing everybody else there was not it's like this yeah yeah there was some balance that's that's good rationality yeah I was watching this one's like the boroughs of fracking it's this guy that went to college for like some geology degree and he's like oh I could study rocks and the conservation of of our habitat or I could or I could make some money he he
justgoes to like this little mobile home in the middle of nowhere up in Nebraska or like South Dakota or something and he
justsits there at a computer and he goes drill here and then they pay him you know he makes like four hundred fifty thousand dollars a year yeah and he gets I think it's like two weeks on one week off and they're like so what do you do for your week off he's like uh I get my paycheck and then I charter a flight down to Las Vegas with my coworkers and we spend a week at Caesar's Palace getting hookers gambling my paycheck away and then when I run out of money I can't wipe the coke off my necklace and I go to work I go back to Nebraska with enough for the dollar menu at McDonald's and I get back to telling them where to drill and he's like I don't think you guys understand my job has nothing to do with success rate they can drill a hundred times and not hit oil but odds but I tell them every once in a while I hit it big so I got Gamble's when we gone and Gamble's two weeks...
off yeah cuz I like we had a didn't we have a family member that worked in a pharmaceutical company where his team worked for like 20 years on this medication and they got it to trial and everything and like this is his life's work his careers work and then right when it was about to go into production another company basically came out with something a little bit better so they
justscrapped it and and like they were talking about like his salary like this guy has like a big-ass house a lot of money and he's been doing this for like 20 years think about the inanity as a team this guy's in charge of a team yeah and you killed them no think about the amount of money they've
justdumped on this guy and they're like hey he'll make us the next ibuprofen yeah or Tylenol or some and then and then right when it's about to go into production they're like man scrap it like that's really not only is that a sucks for him and his whole career cuz he could be like I made tylenol 2 or whatever the sequel yeah which they should really make a sequel to sex sex - but but think about like that really puts in perspective the amount of money a pharmaceutical company yeah where they can
justfloat this guy and his team for like an entire career and go that but uh we don't have a health care problem in America everybody's fingers they're like it's ridiculous it's ridiculous doctors get paid a ridiculous amount of money they kind of...
deserve it because yeah the work that they do yeah and then people are like it's the insurance companies we need a socialized insurance thing and you know insurance is ridiculous but insurance wouldn't be so ridiculous if pharmaceutical companies weren't charging $1500 for an EpiPen I don't wanna talk about insurance oh yeah you're getting a long dick of the insurance I for the first time in 15 years I'm insured and I feel like a stray dog like I've been going look like every Monday yeah I'm getting injected or something sucked out of me like have you gotten your vaccinations I I got like the Tdap stuff turn out autistic dude it's been a good ride but I also realized our mom kind of ran us feral we're free-range free-range it's Katy free kids because yeah they were like when was last time you went to went to a doctor and a Christian was like like high school or something right now because in Florida you can be on your parent's insurance until you're 26 yeah but I haven't been to a doctor since probably like freshman year at high school yeah like it was like 14 or 15 and and I work like a blue-collar job I have not had a tetanus shot I was like 14 yeah and so yeah it's dude it's killing last time I shot was this thing when I got ya the barbed wire wrapped up in barbed wire and they were like what was last last time you had a tetanus shot yeah as I last time I saw a white lab coat well yeah so when when I got my...
court wrecked yeah I I refused all vaccinations that they tried to give me because I was so free I'm not an anti-vaxxer yeah but at the time I you know I was like in a very vulnerable so they're like morphine DUP you know and all of a sudden and you know mom was like yeah with everything again I'm like I don't trust her for you know and all right no you ain't doing nothing like yeah so um yeah I've been catching up perspective by the way that this was it's kind of funny now in retrospect and I'm sure it's not funny to you but uh he got into a crippling no I think it's hilarious he got into like a crippling accident right and first off hey god I ride I ride motorcycles I've had 13 motorcycle accidents 60 mile-an-hour and faster I don't I've lost count of all the 160 mile an hour and slower yeah okay my fastest wreck was 138 mile an hour I've never broken a bone it was raining and I didn't feel like riding my bike to work so I called one of my co-workers and told him to give me a ride in and I broke 38 bones 56 times punctured my lung collapsed it and blew out the side of my head but what was funny event was I went to the hospital and like he didn't look that bad he
justhad this cut on the top of his head that they like stitched up and besides that he was like he was all up though like and they were like what's wrong with them and like the doctors
justlike like I was like a squire like in the Town Square the...
medieval times be like yeah like yeah this you know like you know where his head is and where his feet are everything in between like up and when it was like he'd broken everything but none of it like his arms were finding his legs were fine it was everything in my core it was everything that you could have put a cast on right and because of his collapsed lung they couldn't do the body cast so they were
justlike lay in the bed on a morphine drip for a month yeah in a month and it was like I don't know if you've ever seen that bug in Friday the 13th movie where like Jason picks up the camper in the sleeping bag and
justattracts them against the tree like a sack of taters and it makes like but no like that's what it looked like happening because you were
justlate a bit like our grandpa came in was like hey let me hug you and you're like you couldn't even talk here's like get away from me squeeze you and all and he can't hear so he
justsees his lips moving it's
justlike oh you want to talk but yeah that was funny to me you laid up you know what if I could do it again I would because at the time I was smoking like two packs a day yeah it got you off cigarettes yeah I haven't touched a cigarette Suns yeah and what doesn't kill you makes it makes you stronger yeah or to stealin or McDonald joke in my experience what doesn't kill you leave the very very weak and almost dead yeah yeah a changed man did he was
justlaying in the...
living room I'm like this recliner thing forever
justhealing up and like it was the only time that Abby's ever shown any warmth as well as well say that was the first in the armor because before that no racial slurs on my please me and ABI would not like we didn't get along yeah and even then like I'm sitting there I'm
justI am full of percocet so I'm
justa thing it gel oh yeah right but every morning Abby would make me some cheese grits with some Bradley sausage and she cut it up and put it in there and she'd come over and be like here thank you she would
justdump it on the floor
justgo eat it off the floor like the animal you are have you ever told them about would you and have you got into a fight it's made your lunch alright so like when when me and Abby started when I started going out and like working my hot air balloon repairman job right I I would basically I would leave the house and she would make my lunch every day and she would put it in like this little sectioned Tupperware container like a pre-peeled orange segment if I would have a little sandwich cut corner to corner a little side and then she would put it inside a lunch box with an ice pack and an extra frozen Gatorade that would melt through the day so it'd be nice and slush by the time I go to eat it because it was very hot on those hot air balloons yeah they're full of hot air did you know that yeah searing air yeah and and so and I would love it man I would sit...
there and eat it and it was a family business so my uncle would sit there and look at look at he's like damned she even peels your oranges yeah little fuzzy and I was so happy and like and this was when we were first married and like that happened for like the first year in the second year it would break down it would be like a little bit less love and effort put into it it wouldn't be cut from corner to corner anymore yeah which makes it taste better yeah let's be on and then the beautiful sandwiches with sliced tomato and salt and pepper um and everything turned into PB and J's you know and but the final straw was like I'd pissed her off one morning and got into a fight and she she still made your lunch she still made my lunch but when we really grab your bag and walk out the door and then when I went to go eat my lunch I unzipped it okay in it there was no ice bag and no Gatorade nothing it was
justshe had made a PB&J and then
justput it in a ziplock bag and taking the ziplock bag and
justwent it was like you can see like she didn't follow it up with chewy and she
justdid one big because you could see her fingerprints like she manhandle this thing and
justlunchbox and sift it up and I opened it up my uncle saw it that was good it was like goddamn he ever rough Moody he called me and told me moons over did he ever tell you about when he ran into me while I was parked us parked on the side of the road waiting to do a hot-air-balloon...
inspection and I'm sitting there like on the phone with ups trying to get my new camera in the mail and like UPS was like it's at the the distribution center and we couldn't find your house or something and what do you becomes around the corner and he's looking at me we're making eye contact and he
justcalmly like sideswipes me and starts dragging me down the road his Carly were lost on the mind like velcro and start dragging me down the road and then he stops backs up and
justdrives away and I'm like on the phone I'm like oh my uncle's dragging me down the road and she's like what and then when I got out of the car he was
justlike dude what were you doing I'm like I was in porn that's it even my car was off keys were in my pocket he thought I had like ran into him yeah are you serious I
justran into you I'm like he was upset he was mad at me about that like it was my fault that was the beginning did you get those pictures by the way like a couple weeks ago the hot air balloon that a crash landed dude as soon as I stopped doing a hot air balloon repair the first thing it like you know I was at work I go outside to help a customer yeah and another customer was driving away that's a buddy of mine and my co-workers were outside they're like he's got a leak and I'm like well you know I'm thinking they're talking about his truck or something I was like one you tell them they're like no they point and I...
look at dude it took up the whole sky it's
justthis huge hot air balloon coming right as I'm
justcrash landed there yeah it crash-landed yeah like probably 200 yards from my shop yeah oh and it's like things go to the second I stopped doing those inspections you know that was the first thing I thought I was like what place is going to but I'll see Quality Control has gone downhill you know and I would have caught that leak I would have caught that yes there's really only three components to a hot air balloon it what cracked me up was like immediately we went running down there to like go see the carnage yeah and we're not gonna save the guy but to see the damage we run up and the baskets on its side in the middle of a parking lot right so like they hit and you know fell over and it the guy does it as a business right and so these guys customers they're a he's
justlike grabbing the you know the balloon right yeah he's like trying to explain in a way like yeah you do the service sometimes there's that they're like dusting the asphalt off of them really you know 8:30 in the morning that was like a windy day that was not a calm day I remember you were like really good like crashed right outside and I was like dude it's like I was out there and I work on a busy six-lane Highway yeah I was like it was windy I was out there earlier it was that's not a good time to know you know I might have inspected them and repaired them and I...
justI feel like that's the dumbest goddamn mode of transportation I've ever seen you know who thought that was a good idea there's inventors in like the late 1800s yeah before the invention great idea I mean at the time yeah you know jet stream this way altitude this way yeah you know but now let's go west want to go up to go west yeah nothing's airplanes yeah when the helicopters you know there's cars people still like the right bicycles yeah but a bicycle when the wind blows you don't get blown into a tree and powerlines you know how the other ones would be cool if Tesla had his way and did the underground electricity actually Edison's those the underground electricity lines yeah you know but once they started going the chief route with the lines up in the air ready to fall down on which by the way that was a bad idea in Florida dude every time there's a hurricane how many people have one screwed us up with her but it was only like what a category two or something but yeah tell us he was out of power for like seven days our mom was out of power for 14 days yeah she lives in the middle of town I feel like we could withstand a good hurricane now cuz all the trees have been knocked to her yeah that's what I keep although oh it's hope you only it was a color we had that tropical storm and one of my co-workers lives down and what color yeah and he was like I might not be coming into work on Saturday because you know snoring Roy no you...
coming into work buddy yeah you know he's like well you know I always get screwed when a storm come on your own damn fault he'll at their house when there's no power or anything especially in a wobbly box yeah tornado areas I would not live it hurricane areas no problem you see them coming from a mile away tornado can like drop down yeah and hit yeah yeah and then be gone yeah sometimes they hit and they're like the only reason they know that there's a tornado is because there's a guy wrapped around a tree well unless there's a very strong gorilla or something I bet you this but like hurricanes like you'd see that coming and they're like they're like another goddamn retribution for slavery another goddamn hurricanes coming off the coast of Africa yeah I'm gonna wipe out the South didn't we have a family member that bought a bunch of swampland when they were building Disney Disney World yeah he kind of saw what was happening yeah well there was some mystery company that was like a proxy many mystery companies because it was a bunch of shell companies I bought it to not raise attention yeah and they were because I don't know if you guys know this but Disney World isn't built on like you know it's not like when they made Central Park they're like hey greatest city in the world let's make a nice beautiful park with like Disney World they're like let's find the biggest in America she does lamb we can and...
turn it into something cool yeah and so they went to Orlando which was a swamp yeah there's
justcow pasture and a lot of it was swamp - it's like yeah dog it's at they're brought in dirt and they start buying up all this land and bringing in dirt and they saw that there's a lot of land being bought up by these weird proxy companies yeah five acres here hundred acres there you know yeah so he started buying like the edge the fringe yeah so they built up but now whenever you know expansion happens they got to buy from him yeah like when they need to make like Epcot yeah yeah on the other side of that coin girl I dated her her grandfather was one of the big real estate purchasers for Walt Disney he was part of that like she has pictures of Walt Disney on her grandfather's little Carolina Skiff yeah boat going around there like she's surveying the area you know but it's funny like downtown Orlando like modern-day yeah the picture is like they're there in a there in a 22 foot long boat it's like alligators yeah build a shopping center right here you know yeah you know it's funny it's looking at Epcot which is supposed to be like the land of tomorrow right yeah that's data those folk well it's cool because at the time when it was built it was the land of tomorrow but now and then there was a time where it was really lame but now I feel like it's cool cuz you go there and it's almost like a portal back yeah it's...
like that retro Barbera cartoons where it'd be like the day of tomorrow and they'd show like you know like the Popular Mechanics magazines would be like you know they say show like people drive in like the Airstream bus you know and a double decker with a nuclear turbine on the back yeah I saw one where it was
justthat it was like it was like an Airstream but like the size of a semi-truck yeah it was a double decker and the wife was driving at the top right it was like b-52 like she had like you know dad's down in an Eames lounge chair reading the paper and though they showed at the the right underneath the cockpit great he had a woodshop these periodic windows in our hammock windows yeah and he said they're like building a rocking chair you know and they're
justbarreling down like you know I for ya and yeah the the the modern family you know vacation you know things that's why I wanted to on my vacations his household choice honey rocking chair and have my wife drive a big you know it's funny is a me and Abby we're getting a bed and we didn't have like a truck with like a trailer so we borrowed her step
dadsand and we went to go get the bed and you know it's her stepdad so I let her drive and then she was trying to back it up and she ended up fishtailing the the trailer jackknifed it yeah that's what it is Jack nah she jackknifed it you can tell I know what I'm talking about so here's the the sec you back up a trailer...
well this is the second part of this go like you dumb women drivers yeah behind the wheel didn't even worse broke his taillight I don't know what I'm doing oh I know it's like hey you supposed to turn the opposite way you wanted to go and then it does well that didn't work for me yeah if I could have that thing up and then the people at the furniture store are like they were out there on the loading dog with the bed wheat allergy they watch that every day they're like crunch and they're like 10 feet away from where the trailer is and they're
justwaiting for me and I'm sitting there
justgoing like me in this trailer
justgoing left right and I was like dude does anybody here know how to back the song I feel it's a skill you should you should have well it's a skill you should have if you can you drive a stick shift yeah that's why my first two cars were stick shifts you had three chords before you were 15 okay well the first two cars that I drove thanks yes okay yeah you know I remember says a shyster yeah my said they're flipping cars if you were in middle school my Honda Sam used to do large large volume loans to my friends with a insanely high interest interest rates yeah but because he was the the biggest badass nobody nobody would with him I had mom like bear as witness to and yeah but you'd also threaten them with their lives remember I remember Ryan Ryan didn't pay you and he showed up drunk at the hell's...
got my money yeah you keep out you're like where's my money he was like uh you know I ain't got it yeah you were like I need my money and so he's like yeah he like whipped out the money that he owed then he had borrowed that he had borrowed but not the interest and and then I remember you were like get in the car and y'all y'all left for like 20 minutes you came back went to an ATM bro yeah you went back counting your money and he was like brothers hard-ass
justgotta go I have like $60 go missing for two weeks out of a kindness and I heart I don't know that guy wait in this is that right it's it Ryan then he ended up doing like tow truck stuff yeah okay I got UPS truck hang on so he told me what UPS drivers make cuz they make good money they all right after four years yeah top out at $40 an hour yeah they work 60 hours a week time and a half after 8:00 to the math it's like a hundred and forty five thousand dollars a year and they have the damn good retirement yeah but I have a funny story about Ryan yeah okay so I I know you've heard this before but the okay so I this was when like my youtube was still like a fledgling business right I'm making like a dollar yeah I was hoping I remember your first youtube check was like 203 you're like oh come on first check it be a Marvel laughs we were like when's he gonna get a real job yeah but once you hit a hundred bucks they send you a check you have no money you have no idea how...
many months and actually I think it was like over a year I was slaving away on to get up the ad revenue where they would send me a check for a hundred bucks right so that that took a while so I was still slaving away pretty hard trying to
justget by and but it was middle of the day and I was in my pajamas
living that hard YouTube life and we ended up having some car towed I forget from where next-door neighbor's or something like that but this tow truck know the people that lived at that house before us we had a car out for repo that's what it was yeah so he he was parked out front I come out there my what's going on he's I uh I forget the person's name live here and I was like no he's like hey aren't you my brother's friend and he's like yeah well you're saying yeah you don't that was I I'm doing pretty good middle of the afternoon I have a goddamn bathrobe on right and I am doing pretty good hey he looks at me in my bathrobe what the hell he's looking like out if I get this is always looking at me it's like his window of his tow truck he looks at me and my bathroom fresh-faced you know is middle of day I'm sitting there drinking like coffee and he and then he looks up at the house and at the time it was like pretty much brand-new yeah and but we were renting it and and I wasn't renting it I was
living with my mom right little girl my mom upstairs second with Abby and Abby's like embarrassed by cuz...
living with a their boyfriends mom and but she's not there and he
justlooks up at the house and he looks at me he goes you're doing pretty alright for yourself aren't you and I'm sitting there thinking like hey I had chick-fil-a today you know - under my bathrobe got a play in Skyrim upstairs I asked oh I am doing pretty good for myself after he left I realized what he meant I was like oh he thought this place was mine yeah I got a money yeah yeah you're mine you I really explained that to him years later he died loved it yeah he was like oh I live there I was like now Sam wouldn't live there these you know it's funny about it is I realize that getting older this is a Linus tech tip for you guys out there is that you don't need to have money in order to have a house and a car and everything you
justneed to have credit so the bank will give you whatever the you want if you have credit yeah I'm
justnow learning that yeah I was oh cash only I know that jeez I'm sorry kid for years that jay-z song was meant to be for black people to educate them about financial independence but it taught me some things yes and he says I think the lyric is you want to know why I think you want to know why rich Jewish people owned everything in the world credit that's what he said that's a lyric and that's about the truest thing in the world credit is a beautiful don't it up though and buy don't it up I mean don't have a...
joint account with your wife thank you it up it's the Linus tech tip for today yeah do you remember Miami's thumbs yeah I remember Miami subs there's there's one in Jacksonville I think really yeah did you hear about like the I guess the owners yeah one wanted to like make original stuff and the other one
justwanted license everything out yeah and so like one murdered the other or some yeah the if you guys don't know what Miami subs is it was like a restaurant it would be so poppin now because at the time it was kind of lame but I remember I remember I thought that was the fanciest in the world because they used white cheddar yeah and their burgers and like the red was so good going into that place now it would be like a vaporwave paradise every vaporwave album art it is that looks like ya go in there it had an aquarium in the middle why it's all I thought of when I watched the the newest season of stranger things were inside the mall yes stark yeah it's yeah it's vaporwave as I was like man I miss my keys and they used to give me these big plastic cups that had like it was a my pink with like crazy or yeah had a big palm tree in the sign was a neon sign with a palm tree I remember that and that place was pop and do they had great like Caesar salads and that was before you could get like a good Caesar salad from anywhere because that was when restaurants were starting to incorporate that I remember their bacon cheeseburgers and obviously it...
was good yeah it was good but the the brothers these two brothers owned the place and and one of them their philosophy was you know we're doing pretty good they should stay the course and keep doing our original delicious meals if it ain't broke don't fix it and then the other brothers opinion was Oscar Mayer makes a damn good corn dog we should have that one don't like license out like frozen food yeah want to cash out yeah he wanted to cash out make like big bucks so you know you cuz you know sometimes you go into a place called Miami subs and go I want a goddamn corndog I don't know I don't know what kind of shitty want a license out you wanted to make an Arby's with neon signs yeah yeah and he ended up the one brother was like well I own like 51% of the shares and I say you we're gonna stay with our delicious burgers the way we have it and mysteriously that guy died and then the place started having corndogs what brother would have wanted this yeah did real kick in the shins he should call that like if his brother's name was like Joey the Joey special like a corn dog with a with a Boar's Head sandwiches like whatever license crap he could get but but after that I think the brother realized that was a bad idea because every business like they start closing down because nobody wanted that jelly well they went out of business there is let's see where is the closest we ought to do a roadtrip go to Miami subs yeah they better have...
the same decor if they don't I'll be pissed Broward County baby with a Broward County don't solve yeah alright you look at the menu I'm gonna go ahead and in this Zek thanks for having me up hey Sam thank you it's gonna cut to you
juston your phone completely lost it this has been fun I've been looking forward to doing this for a while yeah yeah and and I want I want to say you know I
justrealized by the way that you're wearing an Appalachian Trail t-shirt as if you walked along so I was I was going to wear my Jesus never warned me about titties shirt that has a church burning and a bare naked woman on it he's trying so hard to be the black sheep working yeah but I went I went to the Palace Saloon Friday night out no but that place is is such a hellhole bar yeah the next morning I haven't done laundry since then today's Monday that was Friday night it reeks of cigarettes and vomit and beer and that's why I have the pumpkin spice candlelight I didn't get drunk I don't smoke and I and I damn sure didn't puke on myself I was
justlike I can't wear at least say I'm slaying yeah I'm looking at my profile of my face dude that nose is huge I need it I need to get a I look like whether those people that'd be a good candidate for dentures like you know they're facing folds in on them so yeah I'm gonna be one of those people was touched but dried up we'll look like we don't look like brothers not...
not at all dude the greatest the greatest swindle of all time what if it