Trump Rally Cold Open - SNL

HELLO AND HELLO, NEW MEXICO. BY FAR, MY FAVORITE MEXICO. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT CITY OF ALBACORE, TUNA CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES. I came back for a surprise demonstration because I heard they were building a wall. ON THE COLORADO BORDER. TO KEEP NEW MEXICANS OUT. CAN WE GET THE MAP PLEASE? AS YOU CAN SEE, MOST OF AMERICA IS GOOD. EXCEPT THE PARTS THAT ARE BAD OR LACK. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? THANK YOU RACHEL. RAQUEL IS FORMER MISS TEEN USA AND OUR CURRENT SECRETARY OF ENERGY. AS YOU KNOW, MY LYING ACTING INVESTIGATION CONTINUES.

AND WHAT IS REALLY FRIENDS? A WITCH HUNT! AND ABSOLUTELY NOT? NO COLLUSION. NO, THE NEW ONE. THERE WAS NO -- QUID PRO QUO. THAT'S CORRECT. NO QUID BRO CODE. THESE DEMOCRATS LEADED BY ADAM SHIFTY-SCHIFF, IT'S A REAL SCHIFF-HEAD, A DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY, AND TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO BRING IN SOME OF MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS TO EXPLAIN WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY. FIRST, WE HAVE CHRISTINE DE LOS CRUSAS. YES, I AM. AND I AM PROUD THAT YOU BROUGHT ME HERE. I THINK YOU HAVE A COUPLE OF TYPOGRAPHS ON THAT SHIRT. NO, THIS WAS TAKEN VERBATIM FROM ONE OF THE TWEETS, THEREFORE IT IS CORRECT.

THE WORDS NEED TO CHANGE, BECAUSE YOU SAID SO, SIR! WELL, EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING WITH THIS IMPEACHMENT. THIS MAN IS UNDER ATTACK. IT'S A DEEP STATE LIZARD CONSPIRACY. AND EVERYONE IS PARTICIPATED. THE CIA, THE FBI. THE MIT, THE MOUSE. GOOD, THANK YOU. NO, THANK YOU SIR! Okay, okay. WHO IS THE NEXT ONE? WHO IS THE NEXT ONE. I AM, LORD. I AM WITH TRUMP'S BIKERS. AND IF THEY TRY TO GET RID OF YOU, ALL BIKERS, WE'RE GOING TO GET RID. WHAT IF THEY DON'T TRY TO GET RID OF ME? LET'S RIDE. IT'S THE ONLY THING WE DO.

RIGHT. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY DO THIS TO ME? YES, SIR, BECAUSE I SAW IT ON A NEWS MACHINE. THE only thing this man did was shake up a foreign government to dirty his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong? YES! NO, NO, NO, THE ANSWER IS NO. SORRY NO! I FORGIVE YOU. I FORGIVE YOU. HERE ARE SOME SNICKERS AND JUUL PODS. YES, HAHA, HAHA! WELCOME. LORD, I LOVE HIM, AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, I KNOW HE'S GREAT. LET'S LEAVE ANOTHER PERSON UP HERE, PLEASE. YES. YES, HELLO. I LOVE YOU. AND I WORSHIP YOU AS THE ONLY TRUE MR.

WHITE! THANK YOU. WHAT KIND OF REAL NEWS HAVE YOU HEARD OUT THERE? OH, YEAH, WELL, I HEARD THAT IF YOU READ MICHELLE OBAMA'S "BECOMING" TITLE BACKWARDS, IT SPELLS ME FIRM EBB, WHICH I LOOKED UP IN A WITCH THESAURUS, AND IT'S SYNONYMOUS WITH ANOTHER BACKWARDS WITCH WORD, SNART. AND THAT MEANS GOING BACK. MY LAWYERS TOLD ME NOT TO SAY THIS, BUT IF I FIND OUT WHO IS THE AUTHOR OF "A WARNING", I'M GOING TO SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE. AND IT WOULD BE AN HONOR IF YOU WOULD USE MY WEAPON. OH, NO, NO, NO. THANKS FOR COMING.

WELL, THE EARTH IS FLAT AND BEYONCE IS WHITE! WELL, WHO'S NEXT? YOU, SIR, PLEASE. OH, THANK YOU. IT'S GREAT TO SEE A YOUNG TRUMP SUPPORTER. OH, THANK YOU. THANK MY LORD. PRESIDENT. THANK YOU. AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM? NEW MEXICO? ISIS! YES, I WAS A PRISONER IN SYRIA UNTIL LAST WEEK WHEN THEY RELEASED ME, SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BRINGING BACK THE JOBS. To ISIS. AND I PROMISE I WILL MAKE ISIS GREAT AGAIN! WHO! GREAT. WHAT A GREAT GUY. ISIS IS BACK IN A BIG TIME, FOLKS. AND WE LOVE IT, DON'T WE?

WELL. BUT WAIT, WHO'S COMING NOW? DID SECURITY EXAMINE THIS GUY? MR. PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW ME. I'm LINDSEY GRAHAM. LINDSEY, I'M SO SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOWL OF ICE CREAM MELTING ON A SUIT. I AM SWEATING DEEPLY ALL THE TIME. EVEN MY BODY FLUIDS ARE TRYING TO DISTANCE FROM ME. I HAVE TO THANK YOU AND THE REPUBLICANS FOR ALWAYS DEFENDING ME. WELL, I'M A TRUE SOUTHERN AND SUPPORT MY MAN. WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING. MISTER? CAN I DO A QUICK SOLiloquy? SURE. Knock yourself out. GOOD. I WAS ALWAYS A SHY CHILD. I KEPT MOSTLY TO MYSELF.

MY ONLY FRIENDS WERE MY CRYSTAL ELVES. MY MOM SAID, GO TO TYPING SCHOOL, SO I CAN GET A GOOD HUSBAND, BUT I'M VERY TERRIBLY SHY. WITH MY CRYSTAL ANIMALS. THANK YOU. THIS IS RARE IN MY RALIES. WE ALSO HAVE SOMEONE FROM THE TECH WORLD IN CONGRESS, IN THESE CONGRESSIVE HEARINGS, HE HAS HIS ASS COMPLETELY OWNED BY AOC, WHICH MEANS SHE'S ONE OF US NOW. PLEASE WELCOME TO MARK ZUCKERBERG. HELLO. PROJECT. EYE CONTACT. FRIENDLY LAUGHTER. JA. MARK, I WANT TO THANK FACEBOOK FOR RUNNING OUR RUSSIAN CAMPAIGN FOR US. HA! FACEBOOK IS NOT PRO-RUSSIA, IT IS SIMPLY NOT ANTI-RUSSIA.

HA! I'M SURE THE NUANCE WILL REALLY REGISTER WITH PEOPLE. LOOK, FACEBOOK ONLY CARE ABOUT THE TRUTH. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE CREATED AN INDEPENDENT FACT CHECKING REVIEW BOARD THAT IS EXTREMELY RIGOROUS. OH, YES, I'M ON THAT. IT'S A DRUG. I LET EVERYTHING GO. THANK YOU, ZUCKMAN! ANGRY DAB! AND THIS MAN HAS BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY ALL NIGHT TO SAY SOMETHING. YES, SIR, PLEASE COME HERE. THANK YOU. YES, HELLO, AMERICA. BILL CLINTON, EVERYONE! WHY ARE YOU? BILL, WHY ARE YOU AT A TRUMP RALLY? IS THAT WHAT IT IS? I JUST FOLLOWED THE PARTY. BUT, MAN, I WISH I HAD KNOWN THAT A PRESIDENT COULD BE ON THE ROAD LIKE THIS, DOING MINITES.

YOU CAN IMAGINE? OH MY LORD, I WOULD NEVER COME BACK HOME. BUT, BILL, YOU KNOW THEY'RE ACCUSING ME, RIGHT? ARE YOU? YOUR DIRTY DOG. NO, NO, THAT'S NOT FOR THAT. HE DON'T CARE I DO THAT, TRUST ME. WELL, THAT'S PROGRESS. GOOD. Well, thanks, Bill. I WANT TO CREATE A NEW FRIEND OF MINE. PRESIDENT ERDOGAN OF Türkiye. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DONALD. Come on, give the turkey some sauce. HA HA. DON'T WORRY, WE ARE TREATING THE KURDS VERY WELL. GREAT THINGS. ERDOGAN AND I ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS NOW. YES, IT'S LIKE WHEN FRANCO AND MUSSOLINI TOOK ON VACATION TOGETHER.

OF COURSE. SOME PEOPLE LIKE OUR GENERALS OR THE GENERALS, AS I CALL THEM, ARE ANGRY BECAUSE WE LEFT SYRIA. GENERALLY PEOPLE GET ANGRY WHEN YOU DON'T GO OUT. THE GUY IS AMAZING. BUT, ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FINANCIALLY FROM THIS DECISION. NOW, HOW WOULD YOU BENEFIT FROM THIS? HE IS A TERRIBLE AND VERY POOR BUSINESS MAN. WELL NO, I'M ACTUALLY RICH. YES, CORRECT, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE, 100 BILLION? WELL, NOT EXACTLY, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY A BILLION. HE'S BEING MODEST. I'M SURE IT'S MORE THAN THAT. SHOW YOUR TAX RETURNS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR STOPING HERE.

AND WE ARE STILL WORKING TO GET THAT DIRT ON BIDEN, BUT I WANTED TO STATE THAT WE COULD MAKE IT GO AWAY. NO, NO, WE DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. ARE YOU SURE? IT'S NOTHING BIG, DO WE DO IT ALL THE TIME? NO, NO, NO, BUT IT'S VERY NICE OF YOU TO OFFER, REALLY. OKAY, THEN TURN OFF THE OVEN, BECAUSE THIS TURKEY IS READY. Everyone: Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!