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Trevor Noah Stand Up

Trevor Noah   Stand Up
and thumbs up thank you thank you thank you thank you good evening how you guys doing I guess that means good that's what the sound means right whoa there's no sound for sad does anyone make that sound how you feeling who knows it's really just that thank you very much for having me thanks for coming out you guys are looking great and relaxed nice weather isn't it it's very chilled out I just got back from Atlanta it was a hundred and seven degrees Fahrenheit yeah hot is
trevor noah stand up
where the worst thing is everyone comes up to me and I go well you you must be used to this being from Africa and if no I'm not I'm from Africa but that is hot that was just no I was scared to go jogging cuz I thought if I ran out in the street and fainted wouldn't the local news love that I'll be running and I'll fall down in the heat they would have their vans reporting live they'd be staying there going so hot in that lanta even Africans are fainting oh I've uh
I've been in America for a few months now and I'm really just thrown by the place it's not what I expected at all different from the brochures and the pamphlets as many assumptions I had about America before I came here and I've come to learn that those were wrong for one I just assumed people spoke English here it's far from it it's not you know it's not so much the language so much of the pronunciation of words that throws me off it's just what Americans have
done with the language you guys have just wow you've just Steve done something you put 22s on the English language he's got rims as his pimp my language that's what you've gone with you know I don't under

stand

to this woman downtown the other day she came up to me and she wanted me to see something I don't know what though she was like oh my god look over there said look over what she's like Oh mother look at that her and I said her she's like no her her
there's two of them I under

stand

nothing even the small words just the pronunciation you know small things that get you by for instance I pronounced the opposites of Uncle as aren't I say my arms out here you say my aunt which to me is an insect which made me look like an ass when my friend told me he's aunt died I was like so what there's tons of those out there or a great way to end the friendship I couldn't get help the other day when searching for a battery for my remote
control because that's what I say battery a small form of power it's in America you say battery which to me is a different form of power sponsored by Chris Brown and you know what to under

stand

we live on different sides of the globe so it's fine the language will evolve this is something I've come to but I hope I change one thing in your heart forever just one thing and that's is that animal in the wild that looks like a horse it has black and white stripes yeah do me a
favor from now on please it's not zebra okay it's zebra just like it's not Deborah it's Deborah same structure of word plus you cannot name them cuz you do not have them zebra his madness everything out here is different you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here you have to change everything there's a measurement system which is just I mean in America you guys have your own thing the imperial system you know on my side of the world we use the metric system and
by my side I mean the rest of the world yeah we're the metric system which is amongst other things very efficient a very simple process you know everything goes into each other and out here you have imperial which is fine I mean I won't judge you if you want to be imaginary that's up to you but I just feel like there's some consistency that's needed small things like for instance when we abbreviate our small measurement milligrams we use mg milligrams mg milligrams and you
guys have-have ounces ounces which you then abbreviate oszi there's no Z in the word ounces I don't know now that's pale in comparison to what you've done with pounds that for me please explain to me how the abbreviation for pounds became lbs l beat pounds I look like the idiot walking into the store going could I please have the two labs bag of sugar I was like you mean pounds I don't see the P no I don't sure well of maine's pounds or lbs a lot of that's what it

stand

s for it's horrible I love it I have no problem with these things I will I will learn them I'm willing to take this in my stride because that's not why I came to America not to analyze the English language no I I came to America because I always wanted one thing and that is I always wanted to be black you laugh but it's true yeah that's all I ever wanted I grew up in South Africa during a time known as apartheid and for those who don't know apartheid was a law in
trevor noah stand up
South Africa they made it illegal for black and white people to interact with each other you know if you did that then you would get into trouble so for instance as a black young lady here sitting with the white guy if you did this in South Africa then they'd arrest you guys you couldn't during apartheid you couldn't well their arrest the black oh they just asked you not to do it again and so and so this was awkward for me because I grew up in a mixed family you know well with me
being the mixed one in the family my mother's a black woman South African and my father's Swiss from Switzerland so he was a white man and basically what well he still is a white man it's not like me clogging chainsaw I said was like little hard work and determination he became black which is not didn't that guy's looking at me like is that possible it's not no sir you'll find you're 100% fine your position of privilege is just the way it was although it would be
something though if you could work so hard you became black that would just be wouldn't it that would change the workplace forever to see guys walking into their office talking to the bus Jeremiah I think I want to take a few days off I uh I don't know I feel it coming on I uh yeah I've been putting in some overtime and I don't know man I just uh yeah yeah look I mean the wife's loving it but I can't take a chance I I just I was filled out a new loan application and my
credits looking real good so I'm gonna take a few days off yeah yeah no you're fine sir he's still my father is alive and still very very white from Switzerland my mother has a woman from South Africa yeah and and they got together during this time which was against the law but they didn't care you know they were Mavericks they were just you know they fought the man my mom was like I don't care I want to like man and my dad was also like well you know how this whistle of
chocolate so he was just he was in there yeah and so they got together and and they had me which was illegal so I was born at crime which which is something they never thought through cuz as a family we couldn't live normally together you know like in the streets my father had to walk on the other side of the road he could just wave at me from far getting like a creepy pedophiles and then my mom could walk with me but if the police showed up then she'd have to let go my hand drop me and
act like I wasn't hers every time just so we wouldn't get caught be like we should be like I don't know it was horrible I felt like a bag of weed and I'm one of the punishments for this crime was I was never afforded a race I was never called black I was never called white I got horrible names like mixed breed and and mutts and half-caste and you know it was a horrible time for me and one fateful day I'll never forget so I met an American in South Africa and he said to me
said well you know

Trevor

it's funny you say that cuz cuz if you come out to America they'll the label you was black I said really he was like hell yeah oh yeah everybody's black out there I was like wow well I want to be black and I found out it's true mixed-race people are categorized as black in America yeah the only catches and nobody tells you this you have to be liked and successful first before then they say you mixed you achieve success and you get upgraded to black all
the famous makes people do it singers like Alicia Keys and Mariah Carey yeah mixed but then they say black singers sportsmen like Tiger Woods mixed but then they say black golfer most famous mix person on the planet by far Barack Obama mixed half-and-half straight down the middle but then they say America's first black president which is interesting because when he was running they called him the mixed candidates I see how it works everyone makes it obvious now they're like oh yeah
Barack of course he won of course it wasn't that obvious when he starts it it wasn't I mean the comedian's coming out they used to diss him guys will come out on stage and be like man how many oaths you know crazy ass mix fool one of a president y'all see that fixed form of a peasant way don't see ain't no mix fool gonna be president United States of America ain't no man man wait why people gonna be voting for a mixed fool in the black man can't she even a black
trevor noah stand up
baby I saw a man's food Diggy gonna do it our man that mixed for that crazy-ass mix we'll have some mixed food that mix food and then he won and all of a sudden they were like my so I see how it works you know I under

stand

in order for me to become black I have to work hard at it and I'm willing to do the time yeah I uh I took the first opportunity I could bought myself a plane ticket from South Africa and I said I'm going out to America I'm going there and I'm going to
be black and I got on that plane it was an 18-hour flight 18 hours of non-stop flying and I sat there in my chair and I spent every moment practicing being black just practicing I was like I'm not gonna mess up this black a tunity I just sat there just working through everything I was watching every black movie and TV show just going through it yeah yeah yeah yeah you're not a man you're not me yeah yeah King Kong ain't got on me yeah what you talking about Willis I was this was
grinding you laughed but 18 hours of flying and I landed in JFK and I was fluent in my black American for shizzle my nizzle hours as I was walking out so black I was even laughing glass I ha ha ha haha yeah my man haha should have seen it like all is you this you that has to be the personification of cool in my opinion there's nothing cooler there's a black Americans are so cool they can make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you you don't believe me get a black
American man to come up to you and just be like ayo ayo does you know this you just you this you and you'll be like I think it is it's magic I was that black not just any black but the coolest black in the world and that's American black I can say this with confidence being from Africa I know black I'm well versed in the arts of black I'm from the black factory I mean it I've seen every kind of black from light black all the way it's like navy blue black I know I know
black and there's no cooler black than American black nothing cooler yeah cuz American black people I mean hey just look at how much they've done to influence modern-day pop culture you know small things and the bigger like you look at the music you got you know jazz hip-hop R&B all black Americans style of clothing you know just this is general swag that they brought to everything even small things like walking I mean walking is such a mundane activity isn't it's just a very
this is very there's nothing cool about this thing you just you just move from one place to the next and and pretty much everybody can do it this is this is it there's nothing and then black Americans came along and then they just added in that bounce and then and all of a sudden you look really cool you just you know you look like you have a purpose you've just got that yeah look at super cool and must be hard for an assassin to kill you just like that's why if you look at
American history no black man was ever assassinated whilst walking ever first when they stopped and said something bad that's something where cuz I have to walk that's why if you look oh mama every time he comes out of the Jets or makes a speech he's always just got that little bounce just before cuz in his head he's like you never know you never know you never know you never know I never know the war it's a cool walk and by far the coolest thing of all coolest thing of all
is the talk I've listened to black Americans and it's the most amazing use of the English language I've ever come across in my life today paint no regard to punctuation whatsoever his cruised through sentences it's fantastic first time I had a conversation with a black American man was in Baltimore Maryland this guy walked up to me after the show and even walk it just floated in just came up to me like hey babe hey oh hey oh yo let me holla at you for a minute man let me holla at
you said okay like man I ain't even gonna front man I ain't gonna front I came out of here do I even know who you was man I didn't even know as I here to show up on my girl we was out there you came out there you were doing your thing I was like yo man I even know they got them yellow bones out there in the motherland man I like y'all this kid baby funny man but I ain't gonna lie you came out there he was keeping a-coming keeping and moving you was just beast and I was like I
ain't mad maybe just kids the truth yeah this kid was doing his thing he was keeping out there I started laughing my go and killing us I was like I this mofo got flow for show you know man I was like no I don't but I love it it's the most amazing use of English I've ever come across in my life just that one word alone she's the strength of that na mean do you know what I mean you know I mean it just it sums it all up doesn't it is this you know neither question nor
statements is like why we've been wasting our time with syllables for so long I don't under

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it was a crazy day today you know what I made ya'll rescue work ray you know I mean it's just it just flows it's magical it says it all I feel like I've wasted years of my life without na mean I wish I could go back in time and relive my favorite moments watch my favorite movies again seen them bring to life this is sparta Nami give it something you know I want to take that
word home with me home to Africa I hope I hope and I pray that someday I have a daughter just so I may name her nah mean yeah no because it sounds it sounds exotic and foreign it has that it has a thing to it you'll be like

Trevor

who's that oh this that's my baby girl now I mean it just has it you know it's wonderful let's go back up I bet even greats like Shakespeare would have loved to use that word they say he invented more words than anyone but not me no I bet he's
in his grave going I wish I had you can see it on one of those great plays on the stages of Manchester in London theatre sax is just walking out there with her big collars I as from a there's and Heather Duff he come by I am the son of a humble thespian na mean as the magic that's what I was man I was that black you should have seen me just walking around the airport shouting random things Brooklyn I don't even know where that was super black ah so some guy came up to me and he was
like oh yeah papi yeah yeah got mohair pick up a little Samos so what hey old man we made it man we made it and now that we are here our kind we got to stick together man our kind 18 hours of flying and I still wasn't black I was Puerto Rican