This Day in SNL History: Get in the Cage with Nicolas Cage

-And now it's time for "Get in the

Cage

," our flagship segment in which film star

Nicolas

Cage

sits down

with

a fellow actor to discuss the craft and future projects. So please join me in welcoming

Nicolas

Cage

and

Nicolas

Cage

? -Well, good evening, Nic. You're looking very well tonight. -Well, that's very kind of you, Nic. You look great, too. -Guys, I'm going to jump in here. How is

this

possible? I'm looking at two identical Nic

Cage

s. -Well, Seth I can

explain if you just calm down! -I'm calm. -Okay, as everyone knows, my dream as an actor is to appear in every film ever released. However, until now, I've only been able to muster a measly 90 percent, bringing shame upon my dojo. -Sure, of course. -But fortunately today, science has prevailed and I'm proud to announce that my cloning experiment has finally come to fruition. -I'm sorry. Cloning experiment? -Well, that's exactly right, Seth. I am his clone. -Oh. Well that

does make sense because you two are identical in every way. -Not in every way, Seth. -While physically we are exactly the same, there are some slight differences personality-wise. -Yes, for example,

this

Nic is calm and stealthy, like a ninja warrior. -Where as

this

Nic is an exaggerated screaming psychopath who really just doesn't exist. -That's high praise. -I just, uh, I need to get

this

straight. So only one of you is currently staring in "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance"

which opens

this

coming Friday. -That's right, Seth, and it's not to be missed for it has the two key qualities of a classic Nic

Cage

action film. Number one... -All the dialogue is either or whispered or screamed. -And of course number two... -Everything in the movie is on fire. -Wow, I have to say it sounds great. -Hey, you mind your manners, hair gel. -No, let's -- let's just calm down, Nic. Let's do our self-esteem exercises where we pay each other compliments.

-Alright, very well. I'll begin. Nic, I love your charisma. -Nic, I love your lions heart. -Nic, I love your sense of humor, dry and marbled like quality beefsteak. No A-1 sauce required for

this

jester for the tangy flavor rises from

with

in. Also I love your scent -- musky and masculine like that of a Silverback gorilla in a form-fitting leather jacket. -That's high praise. -It's just great how much you guys support each other. -Well, it's easy to support a man

with

the rugged,

smokey features of a cunning cigar-store Indian and eyes that sparkle and pierce the hearts of women but old and middle-aged alike. And that is the true meaning of Black

History

month. -I just don't know what you mean by that, Nic. -Yeah. Nevertheless, it's time for us to ride on to our next adventure. -What is that? -We're going to have a three-way

with

the Declaration of Independence. -Nic

Cage

and Nic

Cage

, everyone. -Now it's time for "Get in the

Cage

" where actor

Nicolas

Cage

sits down

with

fellow thespians to discuss their recent work. Please welcome

Nicolas

Cage

and Liam Neeson. -

This

is so great. Nic, Liam, thank you so much for coming. -Ah, it's an honor to be here

with

the great Nic

Cage

. -Yeah. That's very kind of you, Liam. Now you're in the upcoming film "Battleship," a movie in which robot aliens invade Earth from the ocean. -Yup, that's right. -So I guess my first question is, how am I not in that movie?! It has both

the classic elements I look for in a Nic

Cage

film. One, it's based on a children's board game. And two, you don't need to speak English to enjoy it. -Well, Nic, I'm sorry you weren't in movie, bud. -Oh, spare me your pity, neeses pieces. I don't need "Battleship." I'm my developing my own movie. It's called "Hungry Hungry Hippos." I play a rogue marble that escapes from hell to exact revenge on the hippos that killed his daughter. -Wow, that

-- that sounds really good. -Don't condescend me, tall Bono. You know I envy your work. Earlier

this

year you starred in "The Grey," a movie about a man fighting of a pack of ravenous wolves

with

his bare hands, A.K.A., the Nic

Cage

story. -I'm sorry. Seth, is there a question I'm supposed to answer? -No, you just kind of let him talk. -Okay -You've also played characters named Ra's al Ghul and Qui-Gon Jinn, which of course are the names of two of my three

testicles. -Uh, I can't believe I'm going to ask

this

, but what's the third one called? -We call him The Fixer. They say he makes problems go away. -Sure, that makes sense. Yeah. -Look, you're a sweet kid, Leslie Nielsen, but you lack the key qualities of a true movie star, namely, the skin of sun-dried gremlin

with

the oakey tan and chaotic hairline of a Puerto Rican Bettlejuice. And that is why we leave one chair empty at Passover. -I'm sure that's not right. -You just

made my list, Schindler! -What list is that? -My Christmas card list. I send them out in April when you least expect it! -Hey. Careful, Nic. I have a very particular set of skills... -Oh. -...skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. -Yes, your famous monologue from the "Taken" trailer. I have to confess. The first time I saw it I was so filled

with

terror that Ra's al Ghul and Qui-Gon Jinn receded into my stomach. I had to

send in The Fixer to bring them back home. -That is possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. -That's high praise. Well, as my "Face/Off" co-star John Travolta would say, "Which Jewish masseuse do you have to pork to get a gig in

this

town?" They say you shouldn't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his face. -Nobody says that. No one says that. -Well, I've walked in John Travolta's face. "Face/Off," coming to theaters June

27, 1997. -That was -- that was 15 years ago. -I don't have time to argue

with

you! And so now Liam and I will ride on to our next adventure. -Oh, yeah. What's that? -We're gonna kidnap God. -And we're not going to let him go until we get our damn money back. -Liam Neeson and Nic

Cage

, everybody. -And now is time for "Get in the

Cage

," our... Our Peabody award-winning segment in which actor

Nicolas

cage

sits down

with

fellow thespians to discuss the craft and their

recent work. Please welcome

Nicolas

Cage

and Paul Rudd. -Thanks. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You know, anyone who knows me knows I love the craft, so it's really an honor to sit here and talk shop

with

the great

Nicolas

Cage

. -That's very kind of you, Paul, but the pleasure is all mine. Now, you're currently preparing to film a movie called "Ant-Man" about a brilliant thief who uses his superpowers to shrink down and communicate

with

bugs. -Yeah, that's right.

Yes. -So I guess my first question is how am I not in that movie?! It sounds like it has all the classic elements of a Nic

Cage

film. One, hot lunches served daily. And, two, in between meals, soups were provided. -Well, I'm sure you would have made a great Ant-Man. -Of course I would. I was born to play a superhero. I have my own natural super-suit -- a thick, downy layer of coarse body hair, impermeable to bullets. It's like a barbed-wire, electric fence wrapped around a deranged

water bison. -I don't know how to respond to that. -Yeah, I don't think it really matters. Seth, my old friend! Wow! You look so youthful! So it's true what they say. You found the holy grail, the cup of eternal youth long sought by my father, Indiana Jones. -Actually, my name is Colin. -Don't correct me, haircut! -So, what have you been up to, Nic. -Oh! Well, it's been a big year for me. I hit 50 on January 7. -Oh, is that right? Wow. I can't believe you're 50 years

old. -No, I mean I did 50 movies between new years and January 7. -I think that might be impossible. -Don't condescend me, Ruddney Dangerfield. I'll suck out your eyeballs

with

a crazy straw. A little trick I picked up in Tunisia while shooting an independent film that will soon be on N.O.D. -N.O.D.? -Never on demand. -Well, I can't wait to see it. -Don't sass me, clueless! I get your appeal. You're an everyman. But so am I, if every man roamed his mansion in a silk Kimono,

cursing the Gods in some lost language until the Santa Monica police show up and tell him the neighbors would like to "move forever." -I live next door to you. It's a nightmare. I saw you naked in your backyard, and I had to take a three-day shower. -That's high praise. You're a sweet kid, Ruddyard Kipling, but you lack the key qualities of a true movie star -- namely, a flowing mane of hair that resembles a ferret carcass stapled to the skull of a classroom skeleton. And

that is why we light the menorah on Labor Day. -That's a Hanukkah thing. -I don't have time to argue

with

you! And so I must ride on to my next adventure. -And what is that? I'm gonna tea-bag the Magna Carta. -Nic

Cage

and Paul Rudd, everyone! -Thank you.