This Day in SNL History: Get in the Cage with Nicolas Cage

-And now it's time for "Get in the Cage," our main segment in which movie star Nicolas Cage sits down with a fellow actor to discuss the trade and future projects. So please join me in welcoming Nicolas Cage and Nicolas Cage? "Well, good night, Nick. You look very good tonight. "Well, that's very nice of you, Nic. You look very good too. -Guys, I'm going to jump here. How is

this

possible? I'm looking at two identical Nic Cages. -Well, Seth I can explain if you calm down! -I'm calm. -Okay, as everyone knows, my dream as an actor is to appear in all the movies that are released.

However, so far, I have only been able to gather a measly 90 percent, which puts my dojo to shame. -Sure, of course. -But fortunately today, science has prevailed and I am proud to announce that my cloning experiment has finally come to fruition. -I'm sorry. Cloning experiment? "Well, that's exactly right, Seth. I am your clone. -Oh. Well that makes sense because you two are identical in every way. -Not in all ways, Seth. -Although physically we are exactly the same, there are some slight differences in terms of personality. -Yes, for example,

this

Nic is calm and stealthy, like a ninja warrior. -Where this Nic is an exaggerated screaming psycho who doesn't really exist. -That's high praise. -I just, uh, need to clear this up.

So only one of you is currently watching "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance," which opens next Friday. -That's right, Seth, and you can't miss it because it has the two key qualities of a classic Nic Cage action movie. Number one... -All dialogues are whispers or shouts. -And of course number two... -Everything in the movie is on fire. -Wow, I have to say that sounds great. -Hey, mind your manners, hair gel. "No, let's…let's calm down, Nic." Let's do our self-esteem exercises where we give each other compliments. -It's good, very good. I'm going to start Nic, I love your charisma. -Nic, I love your lion heart. -Nic, I love your sense of humor, dry and marbled like a quality steak.

No A-1 sauce is required for this jester because the tart flavor arises from within. I love your scent, too, musky and masculine like a silverback gorilla in a skintight leather jacket. -That's high praise. -It's great how much they support each other. "Well, it's easy to root for a man with the rugged, smoky features of a wily tobacco-shop Indian and eyes that shine and pierce a woman's heart, but both older and middle-aged." And that is the true meaning of Black History month. "I just don't know what you mean by that, Nic. -Yeah. However, it's time for us to move on to our next adventure. -What's that? -We are going to have a trio with the Declaration of Independence. -Nic Cage and Nic Cage, everyone. -Now it's time for "Get in the Cage", where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with other actors to talk about his recent work.

Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Liam Neeson. -This is great. Nic, Liam, thank you so much for coming. -Ah, it is an honor to be here with the great Nic Cage. -Yeah. That's very kind of you, Liam. Now you are in the upcoming movie "Battleship", a movie where alien robots invade Earth from the ocean. -Yes that's how it is. -So I guess my first question is, how come I'm not in that movie?! It has both of the classic elements that I look for in a Nic Cage movie. One, it's based on a children's board game. And two, you don't need to speak English to enjoy it. -Well, Nic, I'm sorry you weren't in the movie, man. -Oh, spare me your mercy, I need parts.

I don't need "Battleship". I am developing my own movie. It's called "Hungry Hungry Hippos." I play a rogue marble who escapes from hell to get revenge on the hippos that killed her daughter. -Wow, that -- that sounds great. -Don't patronize me, tall Bono. You know I envy your work. Earlier this year, he starred in "The Grey," a film about a man who fights a pack of ravenous wolves with his bare hands, also known as the Nic Cage story. -I'm sorry. Seth, is there a question I need to answer? -No, just let him talk. -Okay -You've also played characters called Ra's al Ghul and Qui-Gon Jinn, which of course are the names of two of my three testicles. -Uh, I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but what's the name of the third one? -We call him The Fixer.

They say it makes problems go away. - Sure, that makes sense. Yes. -Look, you're a sweet girl, Leslie Nielsen, but you're missing the key qualities of a true movie star, namely, the sun-dried skin of a gremlin with oak tan and the chaotic hairline of a Bettlejuice. Puerto Rican. And that's why we leave an empty chair on Passover. I'm sure that's not right. -You just made my list, Schindler! -What list is that? -My list of Christmas cards. I send them to you in April when you least expect it! -Hey. Be careful, Nick. I have some very particular abilities... -Oh. "...skills I've acquired over a long career, skills that make me a nightmare to the likes of you." -Yes, your famous monologue from the "Taken" trailer.

I have to confess. The first time I saw him I was so terrified that Ra's al Ghul and Qui-Gon Jinn sank into my stomach. I had to send The Fixer to bring them back home. That's possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. -That's high praise. Well, as my "Face/Off" co-star John Travolta would say, "What Jewish masseuse do you have to trick to get a job in this town?" They say you shouldn't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his face. -Nobody says that. Nobody says that. -Well, I have walked in the face of John Travolta. "Face/Off", hitting theaters on June 27, 1997. -That was... that was 15 years ago.

I don't have time to argue with you! And now, Liam and I will travel to our next adventure. -Oh yeah. What's that? -We are going to kidnap God. "And we're not letting him go until we get our damn money back." -Liam Neeson and Nic Cage, everyone. -And now it's time for "Get in the Cage," our... Our Peabody Award-winning segment in which actor Nicolas Cage sits down with other actors to discuss the craft and his recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Paul Rudd. -Thank you. Thank you. Thanks thanks. You know, anyone who knows me knows that I love my craft, so it's really an honor to sit here and talk business with the great Nicolas Cage. "That's very kind of you, Paul, but the pleasure is all mine." Now, you are currently preparing to film a movie called "Ant-Man" about a brilliant thief who uses his superpowers to shrink himself and communicate with insects. -Yes it's correct.

Yes. -So I guess my first question is how come I'm not in that movie? It looks like it has all the classic elements of a Nic Cage movie. One, hot lunches served daily. And, two, between meals, soups were provided. -Well, surely you would have made a great Ant-Man. -Of course. I was born to play a superhero. I have my own super natural suit: a thick, soft layer of coarse body hair, impervious to bullets. It's like a barbed wire, electric fence wrapped around a deranged water bison. I don't know how to answer that. Yeah, I don't think it really matters.

Seth, my old friend! Wow! You look so young! So it's true what they say. You found the holy grail, the cup of eternal youth long sought by my father, Indiana Jones. -Actually, my name is Colin. -Don't correct me, haircut! "So what have you been up to, Nic?" -Oh! Well, it's been a great year for me. I hit 50 on January 7th. -Oh, is that so? Wow. I can't believe you're 50 years old. -No, I mean that I made 50 films between New Years and January 7th. I think that might be impossible. "Don't patronize me, Ruddney Dangerfield. I'll suck your eyes out with a crazy straw.

A little trick I learned in Tunisia while filming a soon-to-be-released indie film on N.O.D. -ASSENT.? -Never on demand. Well, I can't wait to see it. -Don't insult me, clueless! I receive your appeal. You are a common man. But so would I, if every man wandered around his mansion in a silk kimono, cursing the gods in some lost language until the Santa Monica police show up and tell him the neighbors would like to "move out forever." -I live next to you. It's a nightmare. I saw you naked in your backyard, and I had to take a three-day shower. -That's high praise.

You're a sweet kid, Ruddyard Kipling, but you lack the key qualities of a true movie star, namely a flowing mane that resembles a ferret's carcass stapled to the skull of a class skeleton. And that's why we light the menorah on Labor Day. -That's a Hanukkah thing. I don't have time to argue with you! And so I must ride to my next adventure. -And what is that? I'm going to make a Magna Carta tea bag. -Nic Cage and Paul Rudd, everyone! -Thank you.