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The Harshest Burns from the Roast of Justin Bieber

Feb 20, 2020
What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A group of old men calling you a lesbian for two hours. It's an honor to be at a barbecue hosted by Shaq's dick. Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I were 38, I'd be crazy right now. You may know Ludacris from the CD That's What I Call Your Mother's Music. Come on, let's hear it for Shaq, right? Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. Please don't eat me. Shaq has smashed eight boards and 79 dunks. Snoop's son was just accepted to play division one college football.
the harshest burns from the roast of justin bieber
Yes. Then Snoop Dogg found out that he has a son. And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know he has a son, here's Justin Bieber. Justin, you know, I lost my father on 9/11 and I always regretted growing up without a father, until I met your father, Justin. Now I'm glad mine is dead. And now, for the biggest crossover in comedy history, here are two people from the movie Soul Plane. Soul Plane was the worst airplane experience of my life. There's a lot of star power here. These men combined have earned millions in child support payments.
the harshest burns from the roast of justin bieber

More Interesting Facts About,

the harshest burns from the roast of justin bieber...

Kevin does all of his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair. He approaches his wife. You know, a lot of people don't know. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome" and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding." Shaq's dick is so big that he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic. Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here once a year at these barbecues. How is Uber driving going? Chris D'Elia finally answers the question: "What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?" I'm excited that Snoop is here. Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton.
the harshest burns from the roast of justin bieber
All these rappers on stage, and Martha Stewart has spent the most time in prison. That is not fair. Justin Bieber, everyone. It seems like just yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you're a piece of shit. Justin, Selena Gomez had to you. She is literally the unluckiest Selena in all of entertainment history. In case you didn't know, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq Diesel...and Martha Stewart's baby daddy. And believe me, Martha knows how to work that mother, boy, let me tell you. Once you leave Shaq, you never come back. Isn't that right, Martha? But I'm not the only dancer here tonight.
the harshest burns from the roast of justin bieber
What's up, Snoop? What are you doing baby? Snoop made a reggae album. If you're a rap fan, you might not have it. But if you're a reggae fan, I know you don't have it. Look at all these scrubs on stage. Chris D'Elia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross... I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup since the Lakers' last game. Look at Jeff: Jeff has a body like a cafeteria lady. Justin, as a father of six, you need to straighten up, son. You know, last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn't even score that low.
And he uses your music to torture people. But thanks to that music, Justin is worth more than $200 million... and in prison, four packs of Cools. Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why do you have to bring Jesus to your mess? Baby is the most hated video online, statistically if you watch that shit, okay, and there are ISIS videos online too, okay? That means someone saw a video with a guy yelling "Death to America" ​​and he cut off someone's head and thought, "No, that's still no worse than Bieber introducing Luda at a bowling alley." Thank you.
Thanks, guy half my age. Seriously, man, I'm proud of you. You have it all. You're literally a guy who has everything except respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy. I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight. It's because Martha Stewart makes people's lives better. I think the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don't need to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three children with three different women. May I suggest you retire at some point and end up with fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bedding? Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some advice that he can use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
The first thing you will need is a rod. I made mine with a comb and a pack of gum. I found that Bubblicious works best and it's a lot of fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch, all the rats in my ward wanted to break a piece of Martha Stewart's butt, so I went into the dining room, picked the biggest bull, and hit it on her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry muffins. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge against you. So, Justin, my last piece of advice is to call me or... or not.
I'm out, bitch. Martha Stewart is here because Paula Deen refused to sit with so many black people. Martha, I love you very much. I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of grey. Martha went to prison for dumping worthless stock for idiotic consumers to buy, which reminds me that Ludacris' new album is out tomorrow. But enough about Ludacris, let's talk about "food-acris", Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq's cock is so big that he uses it as a selfie stick. Snoop, you sound like a retired WNBA player. The only person who has inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson's father inside the World Trade Center.
Thanks, Pete. Justin, I feel like the barbecue fans really want blood this time, even though most of your fans haven't even gotten their period yet. But if you can take a joke, so can the Beliebers watching tonight, because face it, Biebs, you've become a stuck-up little idiot. You are the king Joffrey of pop. Anyway, Biebs, you've got quite the career behind you. And as I was sitting here taking it like a man tonight, I was probably thinking that none of us know what we're talking about, because you're going to fly out of here on a private jet full of cash and models, and we'll all try to touch your finger. to Martha Stewart at the after party.
And you know what, Biebs, you're right. And I know you'll never end up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse... respected. Yes. I don't need any warm-up. I've been smoking and drinking. I feel very good about myself. Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which just goes to show that Usher is not black. Justin, most black people, like me, go a little crazy when we get famous. But, black, you bought a jumpsuit. I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one who started the AIDS epidemic. It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here.
Is this a

roast

or is it Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men? Shaq is a unique player in NBA history. He is the first player in NBA history to have the same number in his shoe size, IQ and jersey size. Shaq is a police officer in Florida. If you want to escape from Shaq, just slowly back away from him because that... And he'll eventually fall. Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg. Snoop D-O-double-G. Snoop is like a cool salamander. Snoop, the only way to get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight's car in a parking lot.
Chris... I don't know if you know this about Chris. He doesn't smoke marijuana. He does not drink. He has never used any drugs. His only vice is performing horrible monologues all over the country. It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying their talent with whatever breed Pete Davidson is. You look real... You're so lazy, man. You have a weird, lazy face, and I don't like it. You seem like a good person, but when I talk to you I don't have fun. And now the man of the moment. Justin Bieber. They say you

roast

the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm only here because this is a very good opportunity for me. I hate your music, man. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy. Listen, I don't have much time, okay? I'm currently on Stage 24 hosting Spike TV's "Your Mother's a Fat Bitch" awards show. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing well. Here are a couple of things I know. On October 18, 2010, Bieber was accused of assaulting a 12-year-old boy at a laser tag arena. Boom! On March 4, 2013, he was two hours late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to stop playing a video game.
What what? In any case, Justin Bieber, not only do you need to continue living your life with the same reckless abandon, but I suggest you turn up the heat. Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, okay? What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A group of old men calling you a lesbian for two hours. Well well. I'm playing. Kevin is so short that he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne." I love Kevin Hart's career plan. Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only worse. And Martha, thank you for coming. I know it's probably something you don't do much anymore.
I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia. Chris gets a lot of girls. You want to know why? Because I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia. That's how it is. That's right, hey. Thank you. Luda. Luda and I spent many hours making the song Baby together. In fact, he told me that he was the only baby he made on purpose. Snoop Doggy Dogg, what's up man? He's too shy to admit it, but he was actually Billboard's top male artist the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop. You're one of ten guys at my roast sitting next to Martha Stewart and that guy Hannibal.
How cool is this? Very cool. You did it. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. Thanks so much and good night.

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