Stefanie Stahl #35 | Werte als Orientierung für ein zufriedenes Leben | So bin ich eben PodcastMay 12, 2022
audio hello and welcome to such a little psychology
podcastfor all the people normally disturbed with the plague bestselling author stephanie staar and lukas kaczynski the simple psychologist but i can do a lot here i hope so too and we want to talk about a tv today because often your own values are used in psychological sessions and sometimes i wonder steffi how do you find out what your own values are? So what are your own inner values? Isn't it a lifelong process to find them? what are they there are very different values so charity is a widespread military justice justice is actually a value that every human being has and most of the time it shows when this value is violated that later we get quite angry loyalty friendship love these are all those higher values that are worth living for and we all follow certain values, but it often happens that we are not so aware of our values and the values are often given to us naturally by the family, which means that every family follows certain values, either consciously or unconsciously, which are lived out in the family and which we then unconsciously take over as children too yes, many children are taught, for example, that they have to be absolutely honest, that they must be trustworthy, that perhaps they should also continue to show a certain degree of charity in other families, but the material values can also be very high Written yes, well, there are quite a few families where it is said that the years must definitely earn money and where at least one of the family members also has strong material values, so I do not want to judge that I will say nothing freely and now these values are higher or worse now they are try to understand what is actually Values and why we suffer so often in life, although often unconsciously what kind of internal values your family instilled in you because I know what your values are and I always notice them loyalty, honesty is very important for you. and that's fine but she's very transparent with me and i realize that time and time again i find us totally beautiful and that's why also when you work with her and spend time with you you have a very safe feeling yes that's true so it's very important to me that i really know what you are to me so i hate cunning and insincerity i just can't stand it and somehow it's very very important to me that now i have a big space so when i hear myself talk now I really just wanted to say that I'm a good person but it actually goes that way when I think about it but that's okay too I'm ashamed that I'm a good person you don't have to be ashamed I mean no you realize that but also I mean you have I think sometimes you have the opportunity to earn money in other ways, for example, but you refrain from doing it and I'm not saying it now because I want to save you because you think the other is the best value generates more humanity and a better union and I think that's really good because that's something I miss sometimes, so you say yes, no, then in five years I won't listen to what others say the more I think and wonder are these values that were transmitted to you by your parents or you developed them yourself so I come from a parental home that was strongly influenced by humanism, so my parents have also pursued very realistic values and human values and I think they also influenced me a lot I have to say that I come from from a family that is not very materialistic and the business has its pros and cons t worries that I also had to be a bit long but yes and I think it's partly a type thing we also had this episode of that's the way I am and I also belong to the type of character so if you go to this type of learning to temperamental idealists and we are a little born with it and other people who are more attached to external material reality that is also important before because the world needs both, well, we also need those who are more anchored in the external material world.
Are they genetically determined from the inside? values or socialized so values are mostly socialized but if i follow this model of personality testing then there is just a genetic component ok ok i have seen a blatant example where someone doesn't live up to their inner values and with marc wallert he was kidnapped almost 20 years ago, they held him hostage for 140 days and really with machine guns as you can see he presents clichés and he came out of there without traumas he was in psychological care and the psychologist said I don't find any trauma here and you have to imagine that he feared for his life every day he was with his parents his mother almost died he was the last of the hostages to be freed by a large ransom he no longer suffered any trauma so he was incredibly resilient to the stress that ensued years later in a job and he burned out in this job and now you ask daycare centers that he burns out in a job where he deals with numbers due to stress and survives a sec ur without exhausting or suffering trauma so I am a corset a good example of what we are calling right now because we humans need air to breathe better. sense and viktor frankl a very famous viennese doctor of the last j century, so at the beginning of the last century he also invented the so-called are therapy, which is called logotherapy from the beginning and says that every situation in life can be handled as long as the people can still make some meaning out of her and her background. it was that he worked a lot with the victims of the concentration camps, so from a very difficult background he came with a Jew and that shows this leadership situation.
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stefanie stahl 35 werte als orientierung f r ein zufriedenes leben so bin ich eben podcast...
We also have a preliminary talk and she tells me that she helped many other people in leadership situations. , yes, that means that it made sense there it gave meaning to a very important function in a positive sense, yes, he knew what it was for and what it was for during this salaried job, in which one ended later, he probably had a deep lack meaning, yes, and when we need this significant activity we like the air we breathe and that is why many older people also feel it, even if they don't feel it, they are no longer in professional life and have very few tasks, this feeling that I no longer care they need in my life it doesn't make sense to him anymore because I don't really need anyone that's psychological it's really yes I notice it too for example when I talk to my grandfather and I ask him my question where he is really challenged as a human being how he flourishes and how everything changes in her attitude because her existence makes sense again.
I find that there are many examples in personal experience in which I realize when my actions make sense, the acti Your attitude towards it has changed and the effort has also changed because the focus is just different from rights so the mindless chores are incredibly exhausting it's so raking leaves together in a storm the wind is killing me I look around the corner and that's why we have to our old people too we have to treat them in a completely different way I recently saw a documentary about having their own house there the mueller-
stahlarranged it like that and they were allowed to take care of the chickens and that gave them a lot of zest for life and therefore Therefore, a bit of meaning again to take care of animals and I find it so deeply moving that you actually joining with such simple means can achieve so much and that is why the content in many other societies where the elderly are much more integrated into the family is also a much more dignified old age and but all young people also need a sense and just the opposite of joie de vivre and it is worth the worth living is depression so to speak true depression yes you lose access to all feelings feelings too give us meaning and direction and generally the desire to be alive so no feelings so to speak , it also triggers the desire to live and a key symptom of depression is also a life experiences deeper meaninglessness that you have such backgrounds nothing makes any sense and that's why this life is totally central l and that's why it doesn't make you either happy, I mean, especially when you're in a very tiring day at work, you often dream of having such a life in Cockaigne names that you don't have to work anymore.
I would have a beautiful house on a dream island and everything would be great, but if you need such an obvious daily structure, then you have to give yourself so much meaning again, otherwise such a life leads very quickly to depression, our brain is not made . because we and the psychological background is that we want and have to be part of the community evolution has given us a very deep desire to bond because we can't survive without bonding and that's why we are highly social beings who always fight for recognition and I want to avoid the recognition in the community and rejection and this feeling of being a valued part of the community by passing something on where you can pass something on with plaster of paris that's what makes you experience this meaning and that's why it's so deeply rooted in us the background of this desire for meaning is our educational wave yes we want to belong how do I find out what my inner values are because I don't find it that easy I also strive to crystallize that for myself and say that, and I try to achieve that in my private professional life as well, so a simple possibility is to think about what are the situations in my life in which I feel really comfortable. and where I'm doing really well and where I'm doing a lot of my strength and I'm motivated and inspired and then you dive deeper into yourself and wonder what values are really based on this situation and we know everything I gave as the creativity or that you inspire That's right Inspiration Creativity Loyalty Fighting spirit So that you too have civil courage or defend someone else tt to make an in-depth analysis of those situations in which things really go well and ask me what my values are more important.
A sense of community can also be a sense of community, so there are a lot of people there, for example, if they are with friends yes, what are the underlying values, what is it like for you, are you particularly comfortable in what situations, both professional I eat privately I know you like to spend time with friends you feel Totally comfortable in such a chatty situation when you just go out at night you don't have a specific goal but put it together spend time and professionally wait a minute I asked you , I shouldn't have brought it up because you did, but okay, so I'll tell you why you feel very comfortable here, the recording of the
podcast, of course, I would say that and as long as you're not writing books, but then when you've written something good, write books in itself I think is difficult. a process I know but later if you realize well you wrote something good and it will be very good you feel good exactly so I only like to transmit knowledge and not or I think that transmitting knowledge that is not what the percentage is affects me now but it will gives people something at hand that helps them and that's not just knowledge that's right that's right and knowledge is a very high value to someone for me too so knowledge is a very very high value to me and that It really drives me forward as a psychologist which also drives me to write the books because I'm always looking into these deeper psychological connections and basic structures because we're young the science hasn't been fully investigated yet so there are still a lot of question marks Therefore, a spirit of investigation is also required. or a spirit of cognition is required and i always want to connect them understand ge and get to the bottom of things i mean everyone who knows me if they know a job they know i am always concerned with structure so how does something relate to each other?
I think that unites us here with the listeners that this is exactly how it works so I think that's a reason to listen to the podcast to get to the bottom of things and see how it works and how it helps me in my own life as well which I think that makes it a family in general. I feel like I always get the feeling because we get a lot of posts on here as well and you realize that just in the way the question is asked, how people relate to themselves, yeah, here it is of course, especially in this podcast, of course, there is a community of oneself. -reflection and self-reflection, so this value of self-reflection is also a high value, it is also an extremely high value, for example in my life in which it also connects us in June so first of all I pretended to ask myself how my internal values differ real and which ones I have tried on I get for example from my environment, from my parents, from friends, from a new job in the field I am in, sometimes I just get a job and there is everything I know next to a big car and make an insane amount of money and have so much in the account or something also stay fast so he knows if he really is super fast but our brain is so primed to adapt when you're in an environment where everyone now has completely different values here there is a very good example that is also for young people, so Krasner if, depending on which peer group they entered, what values are lived in their affinity group, these adolescentsthey are fully amenable to these values. currently stupid values and values that actually tend to lead to misfortune then of course that's really stupid but adolescents are very prone to adapt to them because we were genetically inherited with extreme adaptability and yes well if I want to find out that is actually also a question of the person who is the reflection, sit down and ask yourself what values were transmitted to me, for example, my family and d That is, I just wrote down but what was lived in my family and then the question is if I find them good or bad, in other words those are really my values too and what is good you can stick with what you agree and where you say. no, that's actually nothing against it, what do I know if your parents have exemplified excessive frugality, for example, there are some parenting homes where a lot of safety, security, safety, and shoemaking is practiced. you really want something more exciting lead a life and also take a little more risk and just develop creatively then these parental home values just don't match your own values and yet you are not affected by them yeah , well I had my client that I caught in some way so unbelievably fascinating anyway because that was so amazing about the racket and he has an amazing career already done at a young age how are you talking about because you could express yourself so well about me and him she came from a normally gifted family and the parents always kept her on the mat the accounts with this gifted child not really much I didn't even realize at first that she is very talented yes and she always kept it that way yes but not almost exactly his own fear, though, exactly, and it really haunted you, so he clipped his wings over and over again and that's fascinating. what that can do I called my friend today and he always does everything very well and then I wondered during the conversation where he comes from in your case, as correct as correct in his work and he really lets it go, it's not easy and then I remembered that his father was always a great corrective to him and he always hit on it that he does everything super super super super correctly presents you sometimes you get in your own way and at some point I thought to myself your father's love is not a condition for you to do things correctly i mean we are so attached to our parents affection even as adults we still depend on love and if we think we have to do the chores our parents love us then it still may be an internal motive accompanying us , so that's what it's really about, it's good that you brought that up again because basically it's about detaching from your parents in a healthy way and that doesn't mean you want less to your parents, but you dare to live your life according to your own ideas of living and there are a lot of people who live their life and not even consciously because they do not reflect on their life according to the first plane align the ideas of their parents and I'm talking about ideas, so we're also talking about values, what parents imagine is very much related to values, for example, this security value or the value of starting a family and just sticking to social norms, etc., so the values can also be discussed.
All values are definitely good values. You can see that in entire societies and cultures when I was watching this British series it's called sina and the way to play and in England I don't even know what century it would be in, I would say the 19th century and the values they had at that time were so crude when they caught a girl kissing you who she wasn't married to that was reason to challenge the girl brother to a duel yes you have to do that nowadays imagine how these cultural norms are now ubiquitous in other countries so unbelievably our values of ja so also what your parents gave you again a big cultural superstructure i.e. culture such cultural norms now you have to imagine how values were a hundred years ago and how they are today so 100 years ago i will get married i will start a family It is no longer a respectable member as a value system, the shoes are quite bbl and today it bothers you if there is no bathroom for the third gender, if for diversity and tolerance the greatest value of society age yes how these social values change that is heady yes and you You can also see what kind of influence society has but in philosophy there are so called sets of years i.e. in philosophy people also talk about what values are really the correct values, you can't, I'm also against it. a rule of complete arbitrariness, so by saying that the value of everything does not matter, everything can be no and in philosophy there is also talk of values that are simply people who are universal, for example, leaving cities, our approach is that they do not give credit to other people, yes, I agree again with the values that our parents gave us explicitly and implicitly, that happens many times yes also implicitly that our parents and transmit values in their actions my father, for example, always he was a guy who broke the law a bit so always no matter how much i do petty crime is not allowed to be a criminal at all no but now he says the police and i do it a bit how i would like so that I drove the car just like that for years and noticed how it shaped me and how I had to break free. of that which never helps and i have to say now i am doing the exact opposite of my parents because again you were influenced by your parents so if i always have to look mine have found my parents good so i know what i think is stupid so im just as dependent if i do what they say how do you get there?
Because you already said the focus exercise if you really want to take some time for yourself and maybe also with a partner or with a friend, a good conversation helps to talk about values, of course, you can talk very well with friends, as I told you , you can also take a look at the situations you analyze, but you can also do it yourself, write a list of values together, or Google it on the Internet. There are also lists like this and reading them and getting into a sense of resonance with yourself and just underlining the values, if you will. , or write that something special in an emotional way to make us vibrate and make us sound and that's where you play, yes, those are things that are especially important to me If I have now done this exercise or I already know my internal values and I realize that I can't live these values in my work, is there a way to live these values anyway and be satisfied because I do not always and in any case change jobs and say now grow immediately, work can also be done of course but if you want to avoid this step for now there is a possibility there definitely is and there is a second aspect of a question yes sometimes you failed with what you had imagined you just imagined something different so where i say merkel is with people who really wanted to have a family and for whatever reason they cannot have children or that they take care of her, they simply imagined that their lives would be different, also professionally, they thought that they would take a path completely different or the path they were hitting just more successful and that of course is always bitter when you have your desires somewhere because desires are also closely linked to values when life just doesn't go that way, which often happens and then real life crises can arise and especially Because of these points, this valuable work is really so useful because you can consciously ask yourself, what new meaning could I give to my life? i dont have kids for example a friend of mine can get it from her and yeah then she said yes i actually have a lot to give kids and she did it again in kindergarten teacher training so she changed her I work because she said, okay, I can't be a mother myself, but I can give a lot for a lot of kids that are already there and if you just didn't make it professionally det that's where you really wanted to go and then you think again, okay, yeah it is not that now, how can I give a new meaning to my work or draw completely new values for myself to have, for example, a finance? oficial consulted with me and found his job totally useless because he said tax law is very very bad, not at all in line with my values, I have to go there and at some point take another 200 euros out of my pocket other giant companies just get they get away with it, so he had to fight his own values as a tax officer who actually works and knows, but he's 56 and has to cancel this specific training now and therefore also give up a lot of his pension who was also just plain stupid you have been diagnosed with a burnout he once down now the past few years she then thought about it then they thought about how it could be inside her ruf got a new meaning then reacquainted with tax law pretty good normal once again you've become very familiar with yourself you've just seen how you can get the most out of your people, that is, how you can do it with l poor people don't swallow the money well, as she was asking, they are the best people to go out for their own people then she thought about it, nothing really can happen to me, I am a civil servant and I made life difficult for her stupid boss gary, in could actually show her the advantage because that was something he should do that also made a new sense here that she just stands up for herself more stands up for her own values in her boss gives more answers and the third party defines you for you still he has an older and more open relationship with his colleagues to achieve that he never got three new meanings in what was actually a pointless job and then he was able to continue working well iten in the boss had another troublemaker in the company done by stefan die stadt yes, but that's exactly it.
Do I finish my work or change my task at work and I think that's really important to see that there are people inside a system? they exist and if you feel that the system is not worth living that way, start changing this system and don't always abandon the system. I think the approach is really good and I can also say that when I start with the people from the tax office when I meet. the people behind them are usually so exciting that I don't have them often, but when you're at another level 1 on the number level, it's often totally exciting and I think it's a good thing that you recognized that and worked it out with her. me again to think about my life a little bit i think my life is very meaningful in many, many areas and i realize how i flourish when i'm meaningful i work afterwards and sometimes that can only be something to me if it makes sense to me, for For example, sport for me is totally like throwing out all the dirt, lighting the blast furnace that burns and then I feel good afterwards just for me. maybe it makes sense if you still have this health but for no one else yeah i think we've reached the end and if you have a question or issue please email us at so i'll be at random home point and if you say steffi then i would meet myself at some point and maybe do a session here too then it will work on your other stolen podcast but warmly says i think there is also everywhere where there is a podcast and of course here on audio and you are of course welcome to leave a rating leave it for this other steffi podcast then we would love for you to subscribe to the podcast and most of all give it to your friends and maybe family members. edern recommends if you say that it could do people good and it would be functional, but let's think about it and I sent this episode, of course not. steffi can be found at
stahl.de her books and i hope we get audio again next. time
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