Social Distancing Rules Left To The States While Trump Refuses To Issue National Stay-At-Home Ord…

Stephen: HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. I HOPE YOU ARE HEALTHY AND HEALTHY. WE ARE IN THE FOURTH WEEK OF SELF-ISOLATION. OR, AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL IT, "CANNED MEAT WEEK." GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND HEALTH EXPERTS WARN THAT THIS WILL BE THE MOST DIFFICULT WEEK OF THE CORONAVIRUS. MANY AMERICANS ARE GOING TO SUFFER THIS AND SOME OF THEM ARE GOING TO DIE. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES ARE IN OUR THOUGHTS, AND IF YOU WANT THEM, MY PRAYERS. BUT I guess that's not why you tuned in tonight.

YOU'RE HERE FOR THE JOKES. So let's try it. THERE IS AN OPTIMIST IN THIS SEA OF SOBER REALITY: DONALD TRUMP. AFTER SAYING YESTERDAY THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A DIFFICULT WEEK, THIS MORNING HE Tweeted: "LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!" (LAUGHTER) CAN I HELP YOU? WAIT. LOOK WHO JUST ARRIVED! LOOK WHO RUINED MY FIRST TAKE! (LAUGHTER) OKAY. ALRIGHT. There you go. HELLO. TRUMP IS JUST TRYING TO LIFT THE NATIONAL MOOD, SO HE'S INTRODUCING HIS OWN LINE OF MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS CALLED "SHOUT-SPIRATIONS," WHICH FEATURE HOPEFUL MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS LIKE: (LIKE TRUMP) "THE GLASS IS HALF FULL!" "IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN!" AND "EVERY DAY IS A GIFT!" EVEN THOUGH EXPERTS SAY WE NEED A NATIONAL STAY AT HOME ORDER, TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO IMPLEMENT ONE, SO SOCIAL DISTANCING REQUIREMENTS HAVE BEEN LEFT TO THE STATES, WHILE SOME STATE OFFICIALS TAKE IT UP SERIOUSLY, OTHERS DON'T.

Take GEORGIA GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP, SEEN HERE TRYING TO REMEMBER HIS OWN NAME. ALTHOUGH MANY GEORGIA TOURIST AREAS DECIDED TO CLOSE DURING THE PANDEMIC, KEMP ANGLED LOCAL LEADERS BY REOPENING ALL BEACHES IN THE STATE, AN ORDER THAT REPLACES THOSE ISSUED AT THE CITY OR COUNTY LEVEL. THAT WOULD BE LIKE A TEENAGER DECIDING NOT TO GO TO A HOUSE PARTY AND HIS DAD SAYING, "NO, YOU'LL GO, DRINK TOO MUCH JAGERMEISTER, AND TRY TO JUMP OVER THE bonfire TO IMPRESS THE ELDERS, YOUNG MAN." "AND IF THERE'S NO VOMIT ON THOSE SHOES WHEN YOU COME BACK THERE'S HELL TO PAY, YOUNG MAN.

HERE ARE MY KEYS! SOME LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE CUSTOMIZING THEIR REQUIREMENTS. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF STAYING SIX FEET APART, A FLORIDA COUNTY HE TOLD RESIDENTS TO KEEP AT LEAST ONE LARGE CROCODILE BETWEEN YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE AT ALL TIMES FORTUNELY, EVERYONE IN FLORIDA GETS A CROCODILE AND OF COURSE YOU'LL WANT TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM THE CROCODILE. INSPIRED OTHER STATES TO EXPLAIN SOCIAL DISTANCING IN WAYS THAT LOCALS CAN UNDERSTAND. COLORADO GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SAY THEY SHOULD BE ABOUT TWO SAFE BONGS FROM EACH OTHER OR ONE REALLY GOOD BONG. IF YOU LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA, KEEP ONE. DISTANCE OF AT LEAST A FAN OF FAINTING EAGLES.

IN CALIFORNIA, THE SAFE DISTANCE BETWEEN PEOPLE IS APPROXIMATELY TWO AND A HALF KEVIN HARTS AND RHODE ISLAND CITIZENS ARE ENCOURAGED TO STAY ONE RHODE ISLAND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. THE GOVERNOR OF LOUISIANA HAS ORDERED A STATEWIDE LOCKDOWN, PROHIBITING GATHERINGS OF TEN OR MORE PEOPLE, BUT A PASTOR FROM A CHURCH NEAR BATON ROUGE HELD SERVICES YESTERDAY, ATTRACTING HUNDREDS OF WORSHIPERS, MANY ARRIVING IN 26 BUSES SENT TO PICK THEM UP. THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE. REMEMBER THE WORDS OF JESUS: "I WAS NAKED AND YOU CLOTHED ME, I WAS SICK AND YOU PUT ME ON A BUS FULL OF PEOPLE? ARE YOU CRAZY?

I AM CONTAGIOUS!" WHEN THEY GOT OFF THE PLAGUE BUSES, THE PASTOR TOLD THE CONGREGATION THAT THEY HAD "NOTHING TO FEAR BUT THE FEAR OF THEMSELVES." SORRY PASTOR, THESE DAYS FEAR IS THIRD ON THE LIST. AFTER THE CORONAVIRUS AND RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER. ONE HOUSE OF WORSHIP THAT IS CLOSING IS THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY SEPULCHER IN JERUSALEM. RECENTLY, THE CHURCH CLOSED ITS DOORS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE BLACK PLAGUE. WOW. IT'S HARD TO BE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE GIFT STORE. YOU HAVE ONE DAY OFF IN EACH PLAGUE. MANY CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT THE HOLY SEPULCHER IS THE SITE OF JESUS' TOMB, SO CLOSING IT JUST BEFORE EASTER SEEMS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT. "GOOD LUCK OUT THIS TIME, JESUS.

YOU'VE BEEN PUNK." ALTHOUGH THE CHURCH HAS NOT BEEN CLOSED IN OVER 600 YEARS, THE FRONT DOOR HAS LOCKS, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE. FUN FACT: THE MAN WHO CLOSES ONE OF THE HOLYEST SITES IN CHRISTIANITY IS A MUSLIM. SEE, CHRISTIANS FIGHTED AMONG THEMSELVES OVER WHICH DENOMINATION SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THE CHURCH, SO A FAMILY OF SUNNI MUSLIMS HAS BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH THE KEYS OF THE CHURCH FOR OVER EIGHT CENTURIES. THEY JUST KEEP IT UNDER THE PLUSH. LET'S PASS FROM FAITH TO SCIENCE, WHERE WE REALLY SHOULD PUT OUR FAITH RIGHT NOW. SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING HARD TO DEVELOP TREATMENTS AGAINST THE CORONAVIRUS.

BUT FOR NOW, WE SHOULD ALL TRY TO AVOID MISINFORMATION ABOUT UNPROVEN CURES. AND THERE IS A POPULAR SOURCE OF RUMORS THAT EVERYONE SHOULD IGNORE. AND HERE IT IS: THE F.D.A. HE ALSO GAVE EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION FOR HYDROXY... CHLOR-- CHLOROQUINE. WE ARE ONLY HEARING REALLY POSITIVE STORIES. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? I SAY IT AGAIN. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? TAKE IT. I REALLY THINK THEY SHOULD TAKE IT. BUT IT'S YOUR CHOICE. AND IT IS THE CHOICE OF YOUR DOCTOR OR THE HOSPITAL DOCTORS. BUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE. TRY IT. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO. STEPHEN: YES, TRY IT IF YOU LIKE IT.

AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE EFFECTS, REMEMBER THAT DONALD TRUMP IS A DOCTOR. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. STEPHEN: MY MISTAKE. IT TURNS OUT REAL DOCTORS DO NOT SUGGEST TAKING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE FOR COVID-19 BECAUSE THERE IS STILL NO EVIDENCE TO SUGGEST IT PROTECTS AGAINST THE VIRUS. AND ALSO, THIS DRUG COULD CAUSE DANGEROUS IRREGULAR BEATS WHICH COULD BE FATAL. YET, THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF TRUMP'S SUPPORT WITH THIS NEW ANNOUNCEMENT: ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS RIGHT FOR YOU. SO, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, TRY IT IF YOU WANT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: LOSING A LOT.

STEPHEN: WHERE DOES TRUMP'S OBSESSION WITH HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE COME FROM? WELL, APPARENTLY, FROM FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING HIS HAIR CUT. GIULIANI HAS BEEN PROMOTING THE DRUG AS A POSSIBLE TREATMENT FOR THE CORONAVIRUS IN PRIVATE TALKS WITH THE PRESIDENT. WHICH EXPLAINS TRUMP'S OTHER CORONAVIRUS CURE: A BOTTLE OF CHIANTI AT NOON. RUDY HAS HIS OWN TEAM OF MEDICAL EXPERTS ADVISING HIM: A LONG ISLAND FAMILY DOCTOR WITH A FOLLOWING IN THE CONSERVATIVE MEDIA AND A FORMER PHARMACIST WHO ONCE PLED GUILTY TO CONSPIRACY TO EXTORT ACTOR STEVEN SEAGAL. YOU KNOW IT'S A MISTAKE WHEN "EX-PHARMACIST" IS NOT THE WORST PART OF THAT SENTENCE.

Back to the actual scientists, the C.D.C. THEY ISSUED NEW GUIDANCE BECAUSE, AFTER MONTHS OF ADVISING AMERICANS NOT TO WEAR MASKS, THEY ARE NOW ADVISING ALL AMERICANS TO WEAR CLOTH OR FABRIC FACE COVERINGS, WHICH CAN BE MADE AT HOME, WHEN ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES TO PREVENT THE SPREAD FROM INFECTION TO OTHERS. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COVER OUR FACE THIS WHOLE TIME? Oh my God, Billy Porter tried to warn us. (Whispering) I'M SORRY, BILLY. GIVEN THE SUDDEN REVERSAL, THIS NEW GUIDANCE IS A LITTLE CONFUSING. BUT ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT USED HIS DAILY REPORT TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE CONFUSING.

IN LIGHT OF THESE STUDIES, THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS THE USE OF NON-MEDICAL CLOTH FACE COVERINGS AS AN ADDITIONAL VOLUNTARY PUBLIC HEALTH MEASURE. THEN IT IS VOLUNTARY; YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT. BUT THIS IS VOLUNTARY. I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO DO IT. Well, I just don't want to use it myself. STEPHEN: OF COURSE, TRUMP IS THE GUY WHO SAYS HE DON'T WANT TO USE PROTECTION. (LIKE TRUMP) "MASKS ARE LIKE THE CONDOM ON YOUR FACE. IT KILLS THE FEELING. SAYING THERE'S A REASON WHY I DON'T WEAR A RAINCOAT IN THE SHOWER OR A CONDOM DURING SEX." That joke is based on a true story.

THE CORONAVIRUS SITUATION IS ALSO SERIOUS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM, SO THE QUEEN MADE A RARE MORALE-BOOSTING PUBLIC SPEECH YESTERDAY. I AM SPEAKING TO YOU AT WHAT I KNOW IS AN INCREASINGLY CHALLENGING TIME. STEPHEN: IT IS TRULY GENEROUS OF HER ROYAL HIGHNESS TO USE GREEN SCREEN, SO THAT HER SUBJECTS STAYED AT HOME CAN DRESS HER IN WHATEVER THEY WANT. SAY, LADY GAGA'S MEAT DRESS OR UNLIKELY ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS OR, BETTER EVEN, A SCENE FROM "THE CROWN." IT IS TRULY INSPIRING TO HEAR THE SOVEREIGN WITH THE LONGEST KINGDOM IN THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES INVOLVED IN GETTING A 93-YEAR-OLD MAN TO RECORD ON AN IPHONE.

LADY, HIT THE LITTLE THING. I'M TALKING TO YOU: ALMOST, ALMOST, NOW IT'S JUST YOUR HAND. THERE YOU GO! Madam, you are mute now. WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! I TALK TO YOU IN WHAT I KNOW IS A -- MUCH BETTER! I THINK WE ARE ALL WELL, YOUR MAJESTY. OH, WONDERFUL, ONE OF THE CORGIS HAS APPROACHED YOU. GOD SAVES YOU! STEPHEN: WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CHANCE THE RAPPER. WHEN WE RETURN, A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST WITH A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT. IT'S LADY GAGA AND IT'S A BENEFIT CONCERT. STAY.