SNL Presents Football Sketches

-They called me “The Weapon” for two reasons. First, he had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was that he always carried a gun into the field with me. ♪♪ -We return to the fourth quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michaels is here with you along with Cris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the Packers, Cris. -Really if. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injuries, Green Bay is turning to a fourth running back I've never heard of. -Hmm. Jared Schleff hasn't played for Green Bay all year. But here he is, in the most important game of the season. -Well, the playoffs are undoubtedly where you will find the most unlikely hero. -Absolutely.

Let's go down to the field where Schleff is at the shotgun. He takes the shot. Oh Lord! -Sweet mercy! -Uh, friends, this is one of the worst injuries I have seen in my 40-year career. -That is simply devastating! I think seeing that made me sick! -Absolutely. No one should have to witness something so shocking. Let's look at it again. -Oh. -Oh my. -I pray for him. Yes absolutely. -Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not going to subject you to that again. From that angle. This new angle is much better. -Oh. -Oh, wow!

That new angle makes me think this is CGI or something. Legs don't do that. -Let's go to our sideline reporter, Michelle Tafoya, who is with Packers team doctor Lucas Kavner. -Dr. Kavner, obviously a very tough injury for Schleff. Will he return to the court? -Well, he looked pretty bad, but he's a young man. I wouldn't give up on him. I can't diagnose it because I couldn't really see exactly what happened. -Oh, you know what? We have it right here. Well. -Oh Lord! Take my eyes! Blind me, Lord! Oh, he's done. He is done for good. -We'll talk to Michelle in a moment. -Obviously this is a full contact sport, but no one should have to see something so gruesome and gruesome.

Luckily, we'll never have to see that clip again. -And the Arizona coach asks to see the clip again. It seems that Bruce Arians has raised a flag of defiance. -Oh, he thinks Schleff fumbled. -But he did it? We'll see. I think it's a mistake. -Remember, the play is dead when the front of your knee touches the ground. -Sure, but what about the back of your knee? -I don't know. -Meanwhile, let's get back to Michelle, who is with Jared Schleff. -Al, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He is holding a Bible. He now he has pulled out a gun.

He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al. -Okay. Let's move on to something fun. Our AT&T game fan-sprocket. Tonight's Fan-Pinion is about...Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared's injury? Was it, A, the nauseating reality that your legs could bend like that... B, that sound, that terrible sound... Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down that's why you watch

football

? Text us your answers. We'll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback. -It seems that the coach is asking for volunteers from the crowd. -Great opportunity for a fan. -Oh, wow. ♪♪ -At the end of the first half, it's Garrison, 28, and Newton High, 21. -Ahh.

Come in here, boys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where is the defense? You can't face anyone. -It's just... Coach, it's harder to tackle with the new rules. Oh, the new league-wide concussion rules. Is that your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? Well. Good. Cradle. Come on. Come up here. Now, what is so difficult about this? It's the same tackle you guys have always done. It's a little safer on the head. You see your man, right? That's your goal. Well? So we want to plant ourselves, arch our back, shoulders over our feet, guys... and then participate!

That makes it go up. Then, as it goes down, you grab the back of the neck. Support it and gently lower it onto the grass. Like a prince who puts his princess to bed. Nape. -Put your princess to bed! -Good! Now, as he falls, you'll want to talk to him. Cran, do you feel supported? -I feel safe, coach! -Well ok. Now that he is on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everyone have their glow pens? -Yes sir! -Well. He checks his eyes. Remember, if his pupils dilate... -You did great! -Well! Now, can you do that? -Yeah! -You can do it?! -Yeah! -Can you do it cautiously and without intention to harm?! -Yeah! -Well then.

And to help, I've brought in a special guest to say a few words. He is the best player to ever come out of Newton High. Say hello to nine-time Pittsburgh Steeler, Mr. DC Timmon! -Oh! -Oh! Yeah! -Alright. Oh, he's fine! I'm looking around and I don't know if you guys really want to win tonight! This is what I'm saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. Go out and hit them hard. Because that's

football

! I never had these rules. Because you can forget them, really. So, you're out there and you never had these rules.

Never! I never did it! Because that's football! Never football! Never! See this?! I have four rings, honey! Four! -You're not wearing any ring! -Who said something about rings? Just a minute! One thing. This one is for all the marbruls. The Supra Bowl. Go out and never play football! Because you are all proud members of New York City Jazz! Yeah!! -Uh, DC, that's a closet. -Hey, man, I know what it is. -Okay, now, see? Do you understand the importance of these new rules? Well. Now I have more good news. The Volvo people provided us with new helmets.

Yes. You look great! You look great! Well. "Give it" to all three. One two three. -Hit them! -One two three. -Hit them! -Now, remember, that one out there is someone's son! Let's punch them! -You are watching ESPN Classic. -Professional football did not always have the glitz and glamor that it has today. In the beginning, there were few salaries and no rules. Today we travel back to watch another episode of "Forefathers of the Game." -The best player with the most meteoric rise I have ever coached was Billy "The Gun" Van Goff. -The quarterback we feared the most?

The weapon. -The weapon. We hate playing The Gun. -They called me “The Weapon” for two reasons. First, he had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was that I always carried a gun into the field with me. -I remember the first game I coached The Gun, they tackled him and he was very angry. And when he came back to the bench, I yelled at him, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" And I'll never forget, he said, "I'm going to get my gun." -I was the only referee in the league at the time, and there was, rightly so, I might add, some uproar over the fact that a player brandished a firearm during a game.

But technically there was no rule prohibiting it. -As league commissioner, I acted quickly to ban firearms, but there was a major loophole. -The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had already used a weapon in a game could keep it. -Of course we were upset. He had a big arm and a gun. -I mean, he would just back away and stand there pointing the gun at us, daring us to pounce on him. I remember he spent an entire room yelling, "Which one of you motherfuckers wants to eat a bullet?" That's not football. -Goff backs away. Here comes the defense.

The defense is on the run! Goff has time. Lance. Landing, stonemasons! -We were undefeated heading into the championship game and we would have won it all if it weren't for... the incident. -By the championship match, Gun was getting a little cocky. He openly drank on the sidelines and said that made him even more intimidating. -We realized that he was drunk, so we decided that this is our chance. Let's do an all-out blitz. He can't shoot us all. -And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could and then he turned to us and took aim. -But he still had the ball in his hand.

He had dropped the gun. -Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver. It was snowing so hard that he didn't realize he was reaching for a gun until it was too late. -Gabe made two catches that day... a touchdown and a bullet. -I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league. And thus ended one of the best football careers I have ever seen. -This has been the ESPN Classic. ♪♪ -Hello and welcome to "The NFL on CBS". I'm Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms. -It's good to be here, Jim. -Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now with a series of embarrassing scandals in recent weeks. -But they are doing everything they can to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions. -Responsibility: That's what the NFL is about.

And I think you'll see that reflected in the player presentations today. First, let's get to know the Baltimore Ravens offense. -Derrick Watkins. Assault! -Kyle Jeffries. Involuntary manslaughter. -Terry Papa. I took an assault rifle to a barbecue. -Victor Naples. A lot of things! -Calvin Williams. Prowling with intent to murder. -Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at Ohio State University. -Willie Sampson. Treason. -Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution. -Terrence White! I overdosed on penis pills! -Wash Washington. I punched a mailman. That's federal, honey. -And I am the bettor. Fiscal fraud. -Wow. Without a doubt a different lineup than what we are used to seeing. -Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams look significantly different than they did last week. -The players look less athletic. -I also noticed that. -Now the players will be discussing the punishments they received for their fouls? -Well, no, there wasn't any, so we're not going to... -Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Now let's meet the Carolina Panthers' visiting defense. -Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club. -Donald Washburn! American Taliban! -Wendell Jones. I love cocaine. -Devin Peters! Stanford! -Bart Doleman. I haven't done anything yet, but I will. -Barry Jenkins. I did some weird things on a cruise. -Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise too. It was fun. -Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate. -Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife. -And I am his wife. I hit him back. -And Melvin McDonald. I sent a photo of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Let's go panthers! -Well, as you can see, it's a completely new era for the National Football League. -So we go directly to the field for kickoff.

See you here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones. -This is the "NFL on CBS."