YTread Logo
YTread Logo

SNL Presents Football Sketches

SNL Presents Football Sketches
-They called me "The Gun" for two reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field with me. ♪♪ -We're back for the fourth quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michaels here with you along with Cris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the Packers, Cris. -It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay is turning to a fourth-string back who I've never
snl presents football sketches
heard of. -Hm. Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. But here he is in their biggest game of the season. -Well, the playoffs is certainly where you'll find the most unlikely of heroes. -Absolutely. Let's go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun. He takes the snap. Oh, my God! -Sweet mercy! -Uh, folks, this is one of the worst injuries I've seen in my 40-year career. -That's just devastating! I think watching that made me sick! -Absolutely. No one
should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let's see it again. -Oh. -Oh, my. -I do pray for him. I do. -Absolutely. -Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not going to subject you to that again. From that angle. This new angle is much better. -Oh. -Oh, wow! That new angle makes me think this is CGI or something. Legs don't do that. -Let's go to our sideline reporter, Michelle Tafoya, who's with Packers team doctor Lucas Kavner. -Dr. Kavner, obviously a
really tough injury for Schleff. Will he be back on the field? -Well, it looked pretty bad, but he's a young man. I wouldn't give up on him. I can't diagnose him because I couldn't really see exactly what happened. -Oh, you know what? We have it right here. Okay. -Oh, Lord! Take my eyes! Blind me, Lord! Oh, he's done. He is done forever. -We'll check in with Michelle in a little bit. -Obviously this is a full-contact sport, but nobody should have to see something this
gruesome and appalling. Luckily we'll never have to watch that clip again. -And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. Looks like Bruce Arians has thrown a challenge flag. -Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball. -But did he? Let's take a look. I think that's a fumble. -Remember, the play is dead when the front of your knee touches the ground. -Sure, but what about the back of your knee? -I don't know. -In the meantime, let's go back to Michelle, who's
with Jared Schleff. -Al, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He's holding a Bible. Now he's pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al. -Okay. Let's move on to something fun. Our AT&T Fan-Pinion of the Game. Tonight's Fan-Pinion is about... Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared's injury? Was it, A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that... B, that sound, that terrible sound... Or, C, knowing that
somewhere deep down this is why you watch

football

? Text us your answers. We'll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback. -Looks like the coach is asking for volunteers from the crowd. -Big opportunity for a fan. -Oh, wow. ♪♪ -At the end of the first half, it's Garrison, 28, and Newton High, 21. -Ahh. Get in here, guys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where's the defense? Y'all can't tackle anybody. -It's just --
snl presents football sketches
Coach, it's harder to tackle with the new rules. Oh, the new league-wide concussion rules. That's your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? Okay. Fine. Crandle. Come on. Get up here. Now, what is so hard about this? It's the same tackle you fellas have always done. It's just a little safer on the noggin. You see your man, right? That's your target. Okay? So we wanna plant, arch that back, shoulders over feet, guys... then engage! That brings him up. Then as he goes
down, you cup the nape of the neck. Supporting him and lower him gently to the turf. Like a prince putting his princess to bed. Back of the head. -Put your princess to bed! -Good! Now, as he's going down, you're gonna want to check in with him. Cran, are you feeling supported? -I feel safe, Coach! -Okay, good. Now that he's on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everybody have their pen lights? -Yes, sir! -Okay. Check their eyes. Remember, if the pupils dilate...
-You did great! -Okay! Now, can you do that?! -Yeah! -Can you do it?! -Yeah! -Can you do it cautiously and without intent to harm?! -Yeah! -Alright, then. And to help, I've brought a special guest to say a few words. He's the greatest player ever to come out of Newton High. Please say hello to nine-time Pittsburgh Steeler Mr. DC Timmon! -Ohh! -Ohh! Yeah! -Alright. Ay, okay! I'm looking around, and I don't know if y'all really wanna win tonight! Here's what I'm
saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. You go out there, hit 'em hard. 'Cause that's

football

! I never had these rules. Because you can forget them, really. So, you out there, and you never had these rules. Never! I never did! 'Cause that's

football

! I never

football

! Never! You see this?! I got four rings, baby! Four! -You're not wearing any rings! -Who said something about some rings? Just a minute! One thing. This one's for all the
marbruls. The Supra Bowl. Go out there and never

football

! 'Cause you are all proud members of the New York City Jazz! Yeah!! -Uh, DC, that's a closet. -Hey, man, I know what it is. -Okay, now,, you see? You understand the importance of these new rules? Okay. Now I got more good news. We got brand-new helmets provided for you by the people at Volvo. Yeah. You look great! You look great! Okay. "Hit 'em" on three. One, two, three. -Hit 'em! -One, two, three. -Hit 'em!
-Now, remember, that's somebody's child out there! Let's punch 'em! -You're watching ESPN Classic. -Professional

football

didn't always have the glitz and glamour that it has today. In its early days, there was little pay and no rules. Today we journey back for another episode of "Forefathers of the Game." -The greatest player with the most meteoric rise I ever coached was Billy "The Gun" Van Goff. -The quarterback we most feared? The Gun. -The Gun. We
snl presents football sketches
hated playing The Gun. -They called me "The Gun" for two reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field with me. -I remember the first game I coached The Gun, he got tackled, and he was so mad. And when he came back to the sidelines, I yelled, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" And I'll never forget, he said, "I'm gonna get my gun." -I was the only one official in the league at the time,
and there was, with good reason, I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it. -As commissioner of the league, I moved quickly to ban firearms, but there was one major loophole. -The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had already used a gun in a game was allowed to keep it. -Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a gun. -I mean, he would just drop back and stand there pointing the gun at us, daring us
to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling, "Which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet?" That's not

football

. -Goff drops back. Here comes the defense The defense is running away! Goff has the time. Throws. Touchdown, Quarrymen! -We were undefeated going into the championship game, and we would've won it all if not for... the incident. -By the championship game, Gun was getting a little cocky. He would openly drink on the sidelines said it
made him even more intimidating. -We could tell he was drunk, so we decided this is our chance. Let's all-out blitz. He can't shoot all of us. -And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could and then turned at us and took aim. -But he was still holding the

football

. He had thrown the gun. -Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver. It was snowing so hard that he didn't realize he was trying catch a gun until it was too late. -Gabe made two catches that day... a touchdown and a
bullet. -I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league. And thus ended one of the greatest

football

careers I have ever seen. -This has been ESPN Classic. ♪♪ -Hello, and welcome to "The NFL on CBS." I'm Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms. -Great to be here, Jim. -Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks. -But they're trying their best to move forward and start taking
responsibility for their actions. -Accountability -- That's what the NFL is all about. And I think you'll see that reflected in today's player introductions. First, let's meet the Baltimore Ravens offense. -Derrick Watkins. Assault! -Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter. -Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue. -Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff! -Calvin Williams. Loitering with an intent to murder. -Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State
University. -Willie Sampson. Treason. -Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution. -Terrence White! I O.D.'d on penis pills! -Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That's federal, baby. -And I'm the punter. Tax fraud. -Wow. Certainly a different lineup than we're used to seeing. -Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams look significantly different than they did last week. -The players look less athletic. -I noticed that, as well. -Now, will the players be
discussing the punishments they received for their offenses? -Well, no, there weren't any, so we're not gonna -- -Oh, right, right, right. Now let's meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense. -Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club. -Donald Washburn! American Taliban! -Wendell Jones. I love cocaine. -Devin Peters! Stanford! -Bart Doleman. I haven't done nothin' yet, but I'm gonna. -Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship. -Greg Watkins. I was on
that cruise, too. It was pretty fun. -Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate. -Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife. -And I'm his wife. I hit his ass back. -And Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers! -Well, as you can see, it's a whole new era for the National

Football

League. -So let's get you straight to the field for kickoff. We'll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to
Pac-Man Jones. -This is the "NFL on CBS."