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Simon Sinek: Why Leaders Eat Last

Feb 27, 2020
So the date is August 16, 2002 and flying over a valley in Afghanistan are two A-10 warthogs. An A-10 is a heavily armored slow flying low flying aircraft designed to provide ground cover to troops on the ground and on this night it is a very cloudy night the storms are in the area and these two aircraft hanging overhead waiting in case anyone down below need help up there it's beautiful the moon is shining the thousands of stars in the sky the clouds look like the snow has just fallen down below However, in the valley there were 22 Special Operations Forces troops trying to make their way across the country and they could feel that something was wrong, they could feel that they were uncomfortable.
simon sinek why leaders eat last
One of the pilots above the callsign Johnny Bravo and yes, it stays that way. He could feel his concern listening to him on the radio, so he decides that he was going to go down below the cloud and just take a look, he tells his companions to stay here, I'll go see what's there and points his plane down. into the clouds and as he goes through the clouds the call comes over the radio troops in contact troops in contact is what they say when they are under effective fire it means they are in trouble so now Johnny Bravo's points are playing straight towards the planes being shaken by turbulence and when you come out from under the clouds you are less than a thousand feet off the ground and you are flying in a valley with cliffs on both sides.
simon sinek why leaders eat last

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Now we are in 2002 and airplanes were not yet equipped with radar that approached the ground. and worse yet, they were using old russian maps, that's all they had at the time and the site that greets you is something you've never seen before, neither in training nor on film, you see tracer fire coming from all sides of the valley pointing to the right. in the middle where the American forces are, so he picks a point and starts laying down suppressive fire and he's flying and he's in danger of hitting the cliff, of course he knows his speed, he knows his distance from the map and literally, account. out loud, good, place the suppression fire one thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand puddles with force on the stick go back up to the cloud come back down one thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand good hits good hits he says for his radio and again he comes around one thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel okay he flies back to the top of the cloud he tells his partner you need to go down there, his partner is not sure of the condition , so the two fly down together, his partner laying down suppressive fire and Johnny Bravo counting as they fly three feet away from each other, wing to wing one thousand two. one thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand up and around again one thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand that night twenty-two Americans returned home alive with no victims my question is: where are people like Johnny?
simon sinek why leaders eat last
Bravo comes from those who would risk their lives for others so they can survive. I asked Johnny Bravo. I asked him why you would do it, why you would risk your life so others could survive and he gave me the same answer as everyone. in their position it gives because they would have done it for me now if you think about it in the army they give medals to people who are willing to sacrifice themselves so that others can win in business we give bonuses to people who are willing to sacrifice others so that that we can gain, we have it backwards, wouldn't you like to work in an organization where you have absolute confidence and absolute knowledge that other people who you may or may not know, who work in the same organization as you, would be willing To do it? sacrifice yourself so you can survive and we're not talking about giving your life, I mean we don't even like giving up credit, you know, where do people like Johnny Bravo come from?
simon sinek why leaders eat last
Well, it's an old question that isn't born, it's actually asked. If you look at the human animal, the human animal is like a machine. There are systems within our bodies that try to force us to do things that promote the survival of the human animal. Right, just like in an industry, in a business and in a company, if you want people to do something, you offer them some kind of positive or negative incentive to direct the behavior correctly, so if you want people to achieve a certain goal, offer them a bonus if they achieve that goal and they will work to achieve that goal because they want the bonus.
It is a very simple system. The human body works exactly the same way. It works exactly the same way. Inside our bodies there are chemicals that try to make us do things. that is the best for us if you have ever had a feeling of happiness pride joy love fulfillment all these feelings that we have are chemically produced feelings and they are produced by four chemicals predominantly these are the ones basically responsible for all the feelings that I would generically call happiness are endorphins , dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, so these two chemicals, endorphins and dopamine, I like to call them selfish chemicals, but you don't really need anyone's help to do it right, let me tell you, let me. tell you a little about what endorphins are endorphins are designed to do one thing and one thing only mask physical pain that's all that's what they do if you're a runner if you've ever done intense exercise I've heard of a rise in endorphins or a runner's high, basically what happens is runners push their bodies harder than they ever have before before feeling good and when they finish their run they feel fantastic and then an hour later. then they feel pain from the damage they cause to their muscles an hour before, right, this is what endorphins are designed to do, they are designed to mask physical pain, caveman, the reason for this, because this is all 50,000 years ago, homo sapien understands.
He existed at the same time as other hominid species, and yet we survived and they didn't. What is it about this speech that is so good for surviving and thriving? Look at the world we've built. It's not just that we are smart. We are certainly not the strongest and we are certainly not the smartest is that, we are social animals, we have to do things together, we have to take care of each other and we have to work together to make sure we survive, that we do well. That's how we're designed, these chemicals are trying to make that happen, so in these caveman times, 50,000 years ago, in the Paleolithic, we had to eat, we're not the strongest, we're not the fastest, but There is one thing that the human animal does.
Built for endurance we could follow an animal for hours and hours and hours and miles and miles and miles and if we were tired we kept going and if we got hurt or had to carry food to the cave we kept doing it and it was so good , it felt so good that maybe we would even volunteer to go hunting the next day, just like we get addicted to exercise, oh my goodness, that was so much fun yesterday. I'm totally going hunting tomorrow, right? system for group survival good system by the way, the reason laughing feels good is because the endorphins are actually convulsing your internal organs and the endorphins are masking the physical pain.
I'm sure everyone here has laughed so hard that the endorphins eventually run out, you go, stop, stop, it hurts, endorphins, they feel good, dopamine, dopamine is the feeling that you found something you were looking for or achieved something you you set out to achieve, so you know that feeling you get when you cross something off your list. -the bucket list, that's dopamine, it feels amazing, you know, when you have a goal to achieve and you achieve it, you say, yeah, you feel like you've earned something good, that's dopamine, the whole purpose of dopamine is making sure we do things right the Oracle kist reason for dopamine we would never eat if we just waited until we were hungry because there is no guarantee we would find food, so dopamine exists to help us look for food, we get dopamine when we eat, which is one of the reasons why we like to eat and, therefore, when you see something that reminds you of something that makes you feel good, we want to have a behavior that helps us feel good about that feeling, so let's say you are going out walking and you see an apple tree in the distance gets a small dose of dopamine and then what it does is focus on our goals and now we start walking towards the apple tree and as the apple tree starts to grow a little bit more, we feel that When you are making progress, you get another little dose of dopamine and another little dose of shadow dopamine until you get to the Train and you say, yeah, okay, that's why they tell us you should write down your goals, your goals should be tangible, there's a, there's a biological.
The reason we were very visually oriented animals, you have to be able to see the goal to stay biologically focused, if you don't write down your goals, if you can't see your goals, it's very difficult to motivate yourself to get inspired, for example, think about visions. corporate, right, a corporate vision has to be something that we can see well, that's why it's called a vision, you can see it well, being the largest, the most respected, being the fastest growing, they are not visions, they are nothing good, what does that look like, respected by who, your mother, your friends, your shareholders, who knows what the metric is, I don't know, it's Amorphis, it doesn't motivate us, just like I can't tell you, you'll get a bonus if you achieve more .
You're going to ask me how much more I'm going to say More doesn't work You need a tangible goal You need a tangible goal Here's a big vision Martin Luther King I have a dream that one day little black kids little white kids will play together on the playground and hold hands, we can imagine that we can set our sights on that and every time we achieve a goal and we achieve a metric and we reach a milestone that makes us feel like we are progressing towards the vision that we can look, we keep going and going and going until For us to achieve something extraordinary, you have to be able to see it.
Dopamine, like I said, dopamine is the feeling you get when you set out to find something you're looking for, and we also talked about the to-do list. I got home from a trip just a couple of days ago and I had a ton of errands to do. do and I wrote a little list of things I had to do and I went to the right and as I passed I think it was the dry cleaners I remember I was going through something I remembered oh I have to do that and I hadn't written it down I hadn't written it down in my to-do list, so I went in and finished what I had to do and then when I went out, then I wrote it on my to-do list and then I crossed it off because I wanted the dopamine to feel good.
Dopamine comes with a warning. Dopamine is very, very, very addictive. Here are some other things that release dopamine. The alcohol. Nicotine. Bet on your cell phone. Oh, you think I'm joking, okay, we've all been told that you know if you wake up in the morning and fancy a drink, you might be an alcoholic. Well if you wake up in the morning the first thing you should do is check your phone before you even get out of bed you can be an addict if you walk from room to room in your own apartment holding your phone you can be an addict when you are driving your car and you get a text message and your phone beeps.
We hate email, it's true, we love the beep, buzz and ring. Oh right, you'll be there in 10 minutes and yet you have to see it right now. You may be an addict and even if you read it and it says, are you free for dinner next Thursday and you have to respond immediately, you can't wait ten minutes, you may be an addict and as far as Generation Y is concerned, who likes to think that you're better at multitasking because you grew up with technology back then. Why do you keep crashing your cars when texting? You're not, you're not better at multitasking, you're better off being distracted.
In fact, if you look at the statistics, Ad D and ADHD are diagnosed with ADD. D and ADHD have increased. 66% in the

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10 years are fine, ad D and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder, right? Are you telling me this out of nowhere? 66% of our youth have frontal lobe problems, where does it come from? No, it's a misdiagnosis, right? are the symptoms of a dopamine addiction to technology distraction inability to do things easily easily distracted you know lack of attention it's all the same so we misdiagnose things is this is the addictive quality of dopamine we can also become addicted to performance in our companies when all they do is give us numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you get and a bonus you get all they are doing is feeding us dopamine and we can't help it all What we do is want more, more, MORE, it's no surprise that the bank destroyed the economy because one of the things we know about dopamine addicts is that they will do anything to get another hit, sometimes sacrificing their own resources and their relations.
Ask any alcoholic addicted to gambling. or drug addict, ask them how theirrelationships and if they wasted any of their resources, it is an addiction. Dopamine is dangerous if it is unbalanced, it is very helpful when it is in a comfortable and balanced system, but when it is unbalanced it is dangerous and destructive. You don't need anyone's help to go for a run, achieve your goals, you'll get dopamine, you'll get endorphins, but you won't have any feeling of satisfaction, love or trust, that's where they come in, they're trying to control you. This is what makes our society great.
This is where people like Johnny Bravo, it is thanks to these two chemicals that

leaders

really fulfill their great responsibilities out in the world there is danger at all times for various reasons in the time of the cavemen that danger may have been, you know, a saber-toothed tiger, it could have been time, it could have been lack of resources, it could have been who knows a lot of things, things that without conscience are trying to kill you, they want to end your life and then how do we survive? We work together and together we come together in our groups in our companies in our tribes to feel like we belong to be surrounded by people who believe what we believe so that we can feel safe when we are surrounded by people who have our best interests in mind and we feel safe , we will organize and cooperate to face external dangers, do not forget that external dangers are a constant in a modern world, external dangers could be your competition that is trying to put you out of business or at least steal your business, it could be the flows absent from the economy, it could be terrorism, all these unknowns, all trying to put you out of business, take your job, take your livelihood, end this, nothing personal, it is a constant within our organizations, the dangers we face are not a constant , they are a variable and they are the decisions of

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hip as to how safe they make us feel when we go to work this is the job of leaders Aesop said it better than I there is a fable by Aesop about four oxen that stand tail to tail and every time the lion tries to eat them no matter what angle it attacks from, it will always encounter horns, however, due to internal fighting and disagreements, they separate and go to graze in different parts of the field and one by one the lion picks them up and kills them all when we stick together we can more easily face external dangers when we separate within our companies if our leaders don't allow us space to feel safe within our own companies and feel like we belong then we have to do it , we are forced to exert our own energy to protect ourselves from each other and in the process expose ourselves to greater dangers from the outside if you have to worry about politics if you have to worry about someone stealing your credit if you have to worry about your boss don't support you Think about the energy you invest, not in your business, not in the products you are trying to develop, not in your work, not in how well you are producing, not in your creativity, but simply in keeping yourself safe.
This is the responsibility of Dee's leadership. It has two things one to determine who gets in and who doesn't this is what it means to start with why what are our values ​​what are our beliefs who can we allow second is to decide how big this is how big We make the circle of safety How big do we make the circle of belonging? We keep it only around our C-level executives and call it the inner circle and allow others to try to fend for themselves and maybe try to get into our inner circle. Or do we extend it to the outermost limits of the organization?
Great leaders extend the circle of safety, the circle of belonging, to the outermost limits so that the younger person feels like they belong, feels safe, and feels like they have the superior coverage of someone like Johnny Bravo. That's what these other two chemicals are trying to do. Serotonin is the leadership chemical. It's responsible for feelings of pride and status when you're around. That's why public recognition is very important. We are social animals and we need recognition from others. that's why we have the Oscars and that's why we have public awards events, that's why we have the beginning of graduation.
I mean, think about it, what does it really take to get to college? You must pay your bills, meet minimum requirements, and earn enough credits. right, it's a formula, you could receive an email saying congratulations, you met all the requirements for graduation and clothing, please print the PDF of your diploma. PS, magna laude, right, wouldn't feel so good, so instead we have a big ceremony to recognize. achievement and in the audience we put our family, our friends and our teachers, all those in our tribe who supported us and had our backs as we got through it and then we showed up that day and we went up. in that scenario and we take our diploma, it feels great, we feel our status increases, we feel our pride increases and by the way, when you have serotonin in your veins, your confidence also increases and here is the best part of the serotonin in the exact moment you took your diploma and that surge of serotonin coursed through your body at the exact moment your parents sitting in the audience also received a surge of serotonin and you also felt intense pride watching yourself graduate and this is what serotonin is trying to do. trying to strengthen the relationship between father and son boss and employee coach and player the caretaker and the one who is Greta is grateful for the support given to them and think about it listen to the speeches we give if you give an award to someone who Do they say no could I have done it?
I give thanks to God. I thank my parents. I thank my coach. We thank the person who we believe was taking care of us. We couldn't have done this without them, we say and they look at us and say it proud of you and we work to make them proud the great teams don't want to win the trophy the great teams want to win one for the coach they want to make the coach proud we want to make our parents proud and that elevates our status and increases our confidence and makes us feel good and we, in turn, will take care of others so that they can achieve the same.
This is what serotonin is desperately trying to do. The problem is that serotonin can be fooled. We live in a materialistic society, so we judge status. Very often in our country, depending on how much money you earn, any visible display of wealth elevates your status. That's why they put the logos on the outside. They don't work inside. Nobody can see them. We want the red line of our prodigal son. rate how good you want a pair of designer shoes how good it feels to put on your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so good you go out and feel like a million dollars you can feel your confidence rise when you put them on put things on good because it shows this display of status, it feels great, the problem is that there was no real relationship that was strengthened because of it, you cheated the system, that's why we keep trying to achieve things and accumulate more and more material goods and, without However, we never felt successful because there was no relationship, we cheated him, we won him.
Serotonin is the leadership chemical. The reason I called leadership chemical is a historical reason, a very simple historical reason. We had a very practical problem when our animal was developing into Homo Sapien. was developing, we lived in communities of around one hundred and 150 people and it is a very practical matter: if we are hungry and someone brings food and drops a corpse on the ground, we will all rush to eat and if you are lucky enough to have the constitution from a linebacker, you'll elbow your way to the front and if you're the artistic one in the family you'll get elbowed in the face, it's not a good system to keep the whole tribe alive and it's definitely not a good system. cooperation system because remembering the value of life in a group means that if I trust you and you trust me, I can fall asleep at night and trust you to alert me to danger, if I don't trust you, I can't go to sleep at night it's the same in our companies if we trust each other we will turn our backs we will take risks we will innovate we will do things that will change the course of our world if I don't trust you I can't do that I can't do that, life and work in group have courage, so if you get elbowed in the face that afternoon, the chances are very good that you won't wake up the guy who hit you if there's no danger there, you're just not there.
We are going to do it wrong system and that is why we evolve to become hierarchical animals, we are constantly evaluating and judging others constantly organizing ourselves who is the Alpha who is the dominant who is the one who is the most dominant personality or the dominant talent in the room in caveman times it could have been physical muscle in the creative industry it could be talent in the military it could be courage there is no standard by which we judge alphas it is relative to the industries they were in and it is relative to us as Well, if you've ever met someone and were nervous while meeting them, you're not the alpha.
We have all had the experience of meeting someone and we can sense that he is nervous about meeting us. the alpha I'll give you a little aside, that's a little funny, you know, when all the women live together, their menstrual cycles line up correctly, assuming they're not on the pill, then it doesn't work well, but if they're not on the pill that all dimensional cycles go together on the same schedule, it is not arbitrary, they always align with the schedule of the alpha females and the reason is because when a woman is in her menstrual cycle she cannot have children and, therefore, in evolutionary terms you want the alpha. man man woman must do it so she can have alpha children, good strong strong children are going to survive, but if she is out of the market that produces competition, then mother nature has created a very clever way that when she is out of the market , they are all out of the market.
The market comes back into the conversation, so we are constantly judging ourselves and evaluating who is the right alpha and what we do is when we evaluate that someone else is the alpha, we voluntarily step back and allow them to eat first. The alphas have the first choice of meat. and the first choice of mate good system good system the Alpha eats first the rest of us may not get the best cut of meat but we will eat eventually and we won't get elbowed in the face a good system will happily alert they will put them in danger later , good system, that's why we are constantly trying to improve our status, because there are benefits to being the Alpha.
People will do things for us and stand back and offer us favors, just the way we are and to this day. You feel perfectly comfortable giving our alphas special treatment. Nobody has a problem with your boss making more money than you. You might think he's an idiot, but you have no problem with him making more money. Nobody has a problem with someone having a higher rank. He outranks us at work He has a bigger office than us We are not offended It is deeply ingrained in us We happily step aside and allow our alphas to have first choice of meat and mate It is good to be the king There are advantages to it come with being the Alpha, you get special treatment, you get to eat first, people show you love and respect, it increases serotonin, you walk like that, it increases your confidence, it's amazing, but it comes at a cost, you see, the group is not stupid , we are not giving all that for free, alpha leadership has a cost, you see, we hope that when danger threatens us from the outside, the person who is actually stronger, the person who is better fed and the person who in It is actually associated with serotonin and you actually have greater confidence. from the rest of us we expect them to run into danger to protect us this is what it means to be a leader the cost of leadership is self-interest if you're not willing to give up your advantages when it matters then you probably shouldn't be promoted you can be an authority but you will not be a leader leadership has a cost you cannot do less work when you rise you have to do more work and the more work you have to do is put yourself at risk to take care of others, that is the anthropological definition of what a leader is, That's why we are so offended by these bankers who pay themselves astronomical salaries, it has nothing to do with the number, it has to do with the fact that they have violated a deeply rooted social contract, we know that they made all that money and allowed their people to be sacrificed, in fact, they might have sacrificed their people for the money if I had told them that we are going to give one hundred and fifty million dollars to Nelson Mandela, but anyone has a problem with that.
No, two hundred and fifty million dollars for Mother Teresa. I have a problem with that. No, it's not the number, it's not the amount of money they make, it's that we are deeply and viscerally. Offended because we know we allowed them to have this positionalpha and failed to fulfill their responsibilities as Alpha. They are supposed to sacrifice themselves for us, they will never sacrifice us for themselves. That's why we are angry and offended and we don't do it. trust them, they fail, oh there is more oxytocin, this is the best chemical of all, oxytocin is the feeling of love, trust and friendship, it is all the warmth and warmth, it is all the unicorns and rainbows, it is the reason That's why we like to spend time with our friends, even if we don't do anything with them, we just sit and watch TV, we love their company.
I promise you that almost every person sitting in this room today chose the person they were sitting next to you, you are not sitting next to a stranger. You're sitting next to someone you met and you came or you know a little bit why because it makes you feel safer, right? If you got up and went and sat next to strangers you wouldn't feel as good, that's the feeling of oxytocin. Oxytocin is that intense feeling of security that someone has your back. There are several ways to get oxytocin. One way to obtain it is physical contact.
Hugging feels wonderful. Just when women give birth to their children, a huge surge of oxytocin in their body is what is responsible. For the mother, father, the mother-child bond, right, it's all that oxytocin in the system, so it's important to hold hands. Imagine you're making a deal with someone and you're ready to sign the contract and you say, "I'm really excited to do this." do business with you and they go yono need to shake, let's sign the contract. I'm also excited to do business with you. You're doing great, let's shake it up and then leave. No, no, I accept all the terms.
Let's close this deal. I can't wait to work with you there you can get everything you want in the contract but business relationships are not rational it's about feeling safe it's about feeling like we belong it's human and one of the ways we want to know That relationship solidifies is with physical contact. His simple refusal to touch you to exchange that oxytocin means one of two things will happen: you will completely ruin the deal or you will walk into it. Nervous human bonds matter. Another way to obtain oxytocin is through acts of human generosity. Human generosity is defined as giving your time and energy and expecting nothing in return.
The money doesn't work. Sorry if I told you that this morning I gave a thousand dollars to charity. What would you think of me? What would you be good for? What do you want a medal? But if I told you that

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Saturday I left my day and went to paint schools downtown, how would you think you would be nice and cool? Should do more good, value. From my work, much less than a thousand dollars could have hired many more people for a thousand dollars to go to painting schools in the inner city, but as human beings we value time because it is an equal commodity and it is not a commodity. redeemable merchandise you spend money you make money you spend time you will never get it back some of you are sitting in this room right now saying I will never get this time back I have nothing for you so we give a premium to the people who give us their time and energy a leader who will give you He says I will pay you something for you He is not a leader A leader comes and sits next to you and tells you how I can help you He is a leader I was talking to some oil executives and they were trying to convince me that they really care how satisfied and happy they are their employees at work, to which I said no you don't and they said no we do and I said no you don't and they said yes we do. you see how this wins and I said, I bet you hired a high-priced consultancy to come in and do a web survey on whether people like their work or not and they said, well, we didn't hire a consultancy.
I said okay, so it's something like that. how to send an email to your son, dear son, your mother and I care that you feel like a valued part of this family, please tell us frankly what we can do better to make you feel like you belong here because we really love you, We love dad or you. You walk into his room you sit on his bed and say hello son, your mom and I really care that you feel like a valued member of this family, please tell us honestly what we can do better because we want you to feel like you belong and we I really love you the same words the same intention the same desire the difference is that one you gave time and energy and the other you didn't this is the problem with email it's too easy it's too easy no time or energy is spent it's too easy Don't do it.
I'm sorry if I go to your house for dinner, you prepare a delicious dinner for me the next day. I send you a very nice email thanking you, what a wonderful host you are, or three days later you receive a handwritten note from me with the exact same thing. words that were written in the email which one makes you feel better handwritten note the feeling was the same the words were the same the difference is that one took a little more time and a little more energy leaders are the ones who gave us They give their time and they give us their energy, not those who give us their money.
That doesn't count. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work biologically. That's how you get oxytocin by doing good things for people that require you to sacrifice a little energy time. Something you never do. you will get back and if you expect something in return that you weren't actually giving in the first place, you invite someone to dinner because you want them to hire you, you are not actually inviting them to dinner. I want something in return it's just a long transaction it's not a relationship building relationship it's stupid I was walking down the streets of New York true story and a guy in front of me his backpack opened a pile of full papers spilled on the street no I think about it a lot.
I bent down, picked up the papers, handed them back to him and pointed out that his bag opened. I did a small act of generosity for someone. I got a little burst of oxytocin. I also felt good about the person on the receiving end. from the act of generosity he feels good they give him a shot of oxytocin he felt good he says thank you I get to the end of the block and I'm standing waiting to cross the street and a guy who is also standing waiting to cross the street turns around the real story He turns around and tells me I saw what you did there that was really cool, as it turns out to be witnessing an act of human generosity that releases oxytocin, remember that our bodies are trying to get us to repeat behaviors that are best for us. and it makes us feel good when we see or make acts of human generosity so that we do them, in fact, the more oxytocin you have in your body, the more generous you become, you know that the more you do, the more you want to do. it's better than that a lot of oxytocin in your body inhibits addiction it makes it very difficult to get addicted to something when you have a lot of oxytocin your body actually reaches addiction it stimulates your immune system it makes you healthier that's why happy people live longer why couples live longer oxytocin is actually good for us it increases our ability to solve problems it increases our creativity it's really good for us and it's not addictive it just feels great it takes time to develop although you know if I went on a date with a girl the other day there was a first date we get along very well we are going to get married why are you laughing? that's my social life the reason you're laughing is because you inherently know that I can't form a bond of trust strong enough to get married in seven days, you know, why don't you go away for a couple more days?
But inherently you know this well, but if I told you I've been dating someone for seven years and we're not married yet, what would you do? say what's wrong, in other words, we know that bond of trust takes more than seven days in less than seven years, but I don't know how long it takes, so when you start a new job and you're very excited to work there, they're really excited to have you, you don't feel like you belong, you still don't feel like they trust you, right, even though you were really excited, their leaks take time and you have to do little acts of generosity and make little sacrifices do little things for people you don't. it's a big risk small risks it's like dating you know you don't start by buying them a diamond you start by taking them to lunch buying them a drink you know bits and pieces then they take you out or you take them out again you do something a little bigger then you do that in a movie, then they come and then you buy them flowers and then you say I love you and one day you wake up in the morning it's like you press this belief button. you just I'm in love I don't know when it happened it just clicks and you feel like you belong the same at work the same at work it just clicks and you feel like you belong because you have enough oxytocin built up in your system we don't let this happen we're too busy shipping emails we're too busy sending emails next time you want to say something to someone email is great for exchanging information right, it's fantastic here's the report you wanted from the four o'clock meetings fantastic, what do you have? did it seem like my idea?
Don't respond to an email that is an emotional question. Email is a rational tool. You get up from your desk, walk the 30 feet, and say, "I wanted to tell you what I thought." your idea and I promise you that not only will that information be better received but you will start to create a relationship because oxytocin starts to be released if you can't get up and walk 30 feet, pick up the phone. I've done it, it's amazing. thing where you pick up the phone and say, hey, they say, hey, what's up?, they say no, I'm just replying to your email.
I wanted to tell you what I thought, what and what people say to me, but I need to. a paper trail, hang up the conversation and say just to confirm what we talked about, boom, there's your paper trail. The reason we get so many emails is because we reply to everyone and twelve emails are sent and then someone misunderstands something and someone gets angry. and then you have to pick up the phone and deal with it anyway all the way through, faster, easier, better biology, give your time and give your energy and that's why leadership is really hard because you can't give it to everyone. because you don't have enough to give to everyone you just cut off you have to make sure you can trust others trust others trust others trust others and this is what happens in the circle of belonging in the circle of security this is what effective bureaucracy is Whether as a CEO, as a leader or whatever your job is, you have one responsibility and one responsibility only, and that is to make sure that the people you know that you have physical contact with know your names, our trust feels cared for and encouraged to get the job done.
The same goes for the big guys who work under them, who work under them, who work under them, and when this group of people really feel safe, they will invite the client to also feel safe, they will talk to these people like if they were human. I actually flew on an airline recently and I was horrified at how they treated me, it was disgusting, it was like cattle, right? and I said something. I told him: why do you treat people like cattle? and she literally said to me: I'm sorry, sir. I have to do it or I'll lose my job.
What did she tell me? My organization I work for does not make me feel safe. I don't feel like I seem to belong so I will treat you like dirt to protect myself instead of someone who feels safe and says lord I will do everything in my power to make sure you feel happy and good because I don't worry, that's called a highly effective organization, there's one more chemical that I don't have. I told you about Big C cortisol. Cortisol is the feeling of stress and the feeling of anxiety. We share these chemicals with all social mammals, so when you see a herd of gizelle, you'll see the documentary about the discovery or whatever. gazelle grazing and one of them thinks they heard a rustling in the grass and they run away that's what cortisol does cortisol is designed to keep us alive it's the first stage of fight or flight it makes us paranoid it makes all our senses hyper tuned to look for danger injects glucose into our muscles to make us stiff and ready to act in case we need to fight or flee increases our heart rate like crazy and makes us start looking makes us paranoid about finding danger Danger and the good thing about cortisol when you work in a social environment is that if other people sense that you are nervous, they get nervous and all the other gazelles leave, they didn't hear anything, they just saw Steve there, he really got scared and then they all got scared and now everyone starts to look for danger good system and one of them who didn't even hear the initial rustle in the grass sees the lion running everyone runs everyone lives another day good system so when we go to work and someone says I think there will be layoffs we all think what do you want say wait will there be?
We're all paranoid now we're all free I shouldn't have spoken at that meetingah we start to go crazy we start to get paranoid our hearts start to race so what cortisol does is try to keep us alive you wake up in the middle of the night you hear a knock in the middle of the night huh? what is the first thing you do? You wake up the person next to you and then what does he do, he leaves and if there is nothing there you go and trust your eyes, right, you go to look for it, we are visual animals, right, if there is nothing there you go, that's how the cortisol comes out of our body and we relax and a heartbeat lowers cortisol again to get all that extra energy to get paranoid to get selfish you need to shut down non-essential systems because you have to get it from somewhere right so it shuts down things like growth you don't need your nails to turn it off at that moment, the other thing it turns off is our immune system, you don't need it at that moment, the problem is that you're not supposed to have cortisol in your system all the time.
We're supposed to keep it in and then disappear, and when we go to work somewhere that doesn't make us feel like we belong, that doesn't make us feel safe when we're at work, guess what we have? cortisol dripping into our body drip drip drip drip makes your paranoid drip I know my bus hates me I know he hates me I hate that he hates all my ideas I know drip drip makes him selfish one of the things cortisol does inhibits biological release of oxytocin if you work in a high-stress environment where you don't feel safe you were biologically less empathetic and less generous we don't care about each other because we're too busy trying to protect ourselves drip drip drip our immune systems are now compromised drip drip drip we live in the country with one of the best medical education in the world some of the best medical systems in the world some of the best doctors in the world some of the best hospitals in the world some of the best medicines in the world, please explain to me why diabetes is on the rise, heart disease is on the rise, some cancers are on the rise, it's not hot, partially hydrogenated oils, our jobs are killing us and the people responsible are the leaders. and we also know that parents who come home stressed, their children learn that this is work, that work is something that makes you moody and unhappy, and so they expect it as they grow up.
We know parents who come home upset and angry. such a negative impact on their children that there are some studies showing that they might actually become bullies because of their unhappy parents who hate their jobs and have an excessive amount of stress. Our companies are literally killing us, so what are you going to do about it? you about it leadership is not a rank leadership is not a position leadership is a decision leadership is a choice it has nothing to do with your position in the organization if you decide to take care of the person on your left and take care of the person to your right you have become a leader you have seen the movie 300 true the Spartans the greatest fighting force of all time you want to know one of the things that made the Spartans great was not their muscles it was not their spears it was their shields , they were shield to shield and the phalanx was stronger because all those shields were big and they told them when they were little children, either you brought your shield home or you returned home with your shield, the punishment for losing your shield.
It was tremendous in battle because if you lost your shield that means you can't protect the person on your left and the person on your right and you have destroyed the phalanx, what matters is the shield, not the spear, not the spear, it's your will. sacrifice yourself, not your life, maybe your credit, maybe your tie, maybe a little energy, maybe you've been taught what you know, maybe get up from your desk and talk to someone for thirty minutes instead of sending a three-minute email, it's your willingness to sacrifice. having someone hold that shield so they feel safe, that makes you a leader and you want to know how to beat a dopamine addiction if you're worried about being addicted to performance and all this dopamine stuff.
Alcoholics Anonymous has been highly effective for decades 80 and so many years we all know the first step of the twelfth step we joke about it, right, admit you have a problem, did you know the 12 steps? Don't say it's supposed to be anonymous. I'll tell you which step 12 is. The step is Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you master the eleven steps but not the twelfth you will drink again if you master the twelfth step you will overcome the disease What is the twelfth step? The twelfth step is the commitment to help another alcoholic. Service to another service of oxytocin.
Sara Tosun wins when serotonin wins the more we take care of each other the safer we feel the more we feel like we belong and the more we will work together to face the dangers outside do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thank you very much

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