Riskiest Jokes - VOL. 1 | Jimmy Carr

Bedwetting is embarrassing as a child, but as an adult wetting a child's bed is deadly, it's almost impossible to explain that. I bought a rape alarm because I kept forgetting when to rape people. When I was a child, I was afraid. the dentist was a pedophile I guess that begs the question: how many fillings did he give me? Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls being exploited with Palestinian passports under occupation; they simply put Israel; he's just there to prove, where Guardian readers don't feel any more questions back to the

jokes

I'm an amazing girl on the internet smart sexy uninhibited of course she turned out to be a twelve year old paraplegic girl.

I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing oh, I think we've hit a roadblock for her and we'll laugh about it and nothing more. I don't know, I made a big deal out of this, but I recently adopted a newborn African boy who weighed only seven pounds and posted the packaging of him, that's how they catch you, Tony, they put holes in it. That box and that's the interesting joke that Richard Curtis said it was too much for comic relief work when he was younger. He couldn't talk to the women because he was hiding a masturbator in their closets, they're completely giving it away.

I don't see it coming, oh, I've written a romantic comedy. I wanted to tell you about this. I have written a romantic comedy. It's about a boy in a girls' classic. Yes, they initially hate each other, but they end up in bed together. classic is called the rapist did you see the story about Gary Glitter? there was a GCSE music question about Gary Glitter how bad is that, how bad is that a GCSE music question about a Gary Glitter song because if there's an artist you don't want associated with the praise rotation you have an hour you should probably let them. the trash in peace he just wants to settle down and have kids i told my girlfriend i told her i said you want to experiment with a rape fantasy roleplay she said no i told her that's spiritual rape it's such a horrible word, although it's such a harsh word, brutal and horrible rape, that's why I prefer to call it a wrestling hug you couldn't get mad about a wrestling hug it's good, damn adorable, a lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex, but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16, so I have to buy them both.

You think it's wrong. I buy from a 15 year old girl. Cigarettes. You think it's wrong. I am her. I'm kidding. It's a joke. Delicate verb. Child abuse, isn't it strange? Katie, hey, are you kidding or touching the kids? Obviously, it's a family show. I have noticed something. I go out and watch a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed something that comics tend to do the best they can. right at the end of the concert and then leave the audience wanting more sounds good, doesn't it? But it doesn't make any sense because the audience is left wanting more than the comedian who doesn't make any sense. what I would like to do because I have thought about it a little bit.

I'd like to torpedo this concert with some very nasty

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that will offend and annoy everyone and then you can walk away thinking thank you. It's over, you're welcome. start if women are that good at multitasking it's too much to ask, tickle my balls while you work the shaft, half a joke, half a public service announcement. I am often asked if you will ever get married. I don't think Opal will get married. It means you can't get married at 16 without your parents' consent and that's not going to happen. They still think she's dead. It's an unfortunate reaction because that's just there to prepare you for this.

Did you all read that story about the girl who was kidnapped? and kept in miserable conditions for 18 years. Did you read that story? I was the only one who read that story and thought 18 years in miserable conditions have an orderly round make a house a home, lazy man, you can't say what you want about making a -I wish they could work until a deadline Sonne words nothing bad thing has happened it's not like a dropkick to a kitten in the face of an orphan once I did it once and it was fun but you had to be there I think I've solved the problem credit crunch I thought you'd be happy no, I really thought I think I've solved the credit crisis, you know what the problem is with the credit crisis, since I, in simple terms, okay, trade to change the cycle of Business is no longer happening like before because companies, banks and Countries have gone bankrupt and no one trusts each other.

So how are we going to fix this? How are we going to make things start again? Put that virtuous circle into operation. I'll tell you what. We do it, we build a World Trade Center. I can see you sitting there with your arms crossed thinking it's going to be a big building. We will have two. I saw the New York City police chief on the news and he said we're going to do it. never forget 9/11 I thought it was your house, not your phone number. I love doing these concerts. I mean, I'm really glad we recorded the DVD in Glasgow, but they charge for these gigs just for the fact that everyone shares the same feeling. of humor that's something so special that everyone appreciates and everyone understands it everyone in this room understands the fact that they're just jokes, we're just joking around trying to laugh together, it's just a joke, you know, these jokes are not who I am, I'm actually I mean in the real world I'm a pretty generous person.

I realize that makes me sound like an idiot, but you know I'm a pretty generous person. I mean, last year I donated a kidney, of course, they wanted to know where. I got it from I Know It's Still Hot, Save It. I often tell someone else, Tony, a favorite joke or Rudi's joke and they asked me in Liverpool last year, someone said favorite pub joke, someone shouted at the end of the show so I thought I'd finish by telling them my joke favorite pub, it's a pretty rude joke. I think everyone knows I was going to get pretty hurt, but I'll tell you and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it and you asked me favorite.

Favorite pub joke in Liverpool so I said Tom my favorite project what's the difference between football and rape girls don't like football is there a textbook answer Glasco is a laugh followed by interesting to me It's just that they are not two different groups of people. There is not one group laughing in another group that is going badly. Those are the same people. That joke makes you a little schizophrenic because you don't choose what you laugh at. I'm sure many of you have been upset. So you guys have been laughing tonight, but you don't choose what you laugh at, it's like a reflex, you just laugh and then another part of you steps in and says what are you doing, courting laughter, so I told a Liverpool who laughed and then nothing. and then there was a pause and a woman in the back when I like football imagine that being your problem with that joke she clearly had time to think well we all liked it hard from time to time he has us there but now I also enjoy football I'm establishing well, since I say that it has been a pleasure to act.

I mean, the reason we made the DVD here is Kisses, one of the best concerts of the year. I just love it and thank you so much, just a quick thing beforehand. I go if anyone wants an autograph or to say hello after the show or to touch me or to fight, whatever they want. I'll be down there in that corner. I will be more than happy to wait as long as necessary. Thank you. Thank you very much for coming to see me and I will see you all again next year. Thank you so much. Destroyed people.

It was originally about suicide bombers. I've toned it down for you.