Riskiest Jokes - VOL. 1 | Jimmy CarrJun 09, 2020
bedwetting is embarrassing as a child, but as an adult bedwetting a child is deadly, it's almost impossible to explain. I bought a rape alarm because I kept forgetting when to rape people, wonderful, as a kid it scared me. the dentist was a pedophile I guess that raises the question of how many fillings he gave me islamic fundamentalist sex dolls blowing themselves up in palestinian passports under occupation - they only put israel it's only there to test where the guardian readers sit no more questions from back to goatee gags im an amazing internet girl smart sexy uninhibited of course turned out to be a paraplegic bunch of twelve i'll be honest the sex was disappointing oh i think we've hit a barrier on his way and we'll laugh about it and nothing more I don't know to make a big deal out of this but I recently adopted a newborn African boy who was only seven pounds and he sent your packaging that's how they get you Tony They put holes in that box and that's the interesting joke that Richard Curtis said that it was too much for the comic relief gig when I was younger.
He couldn't talk to the women because he was hiding in their closets. away, you didn't see it coming, did you? Oh, I've written a romantic comedy. I wanted to tell you about this. I have written a romantic comedy. It's about a boy on a girl. together in bed classic it's called the rapist you saw the story about gary glitter there was a gcse music question about gary glitter how bad is that how bad that a gcse music question about a gary glitter song because if there is a artist you don't know i want associated with accolade turnover you have an hour should probably leave the crap alone just wants to settle down and have kids i told my girlfriend i told her i told her you want to experiment with a roleplay rape fantasy she said i didn't say that's the spirit rape is s What a horrible word, although it's such a harsh, brutal, horrible word, rape, that's why I prefer to call it fight.
I won't buy cigarettes until you're 16 so I have to buy them for both of us you think it's wrong I'll buy cigarettes for a 15 year old girl you think it's wrong I'm her I'm kidding kidding touchy verb that kid Abuse isn't that weird Katie? Are you joking or touching the children? Obviously, it's a family show. I have noticed one thing. I go out to watch a lot of comedy shows and I have noticed one thing. at the end of the concert and then leave the audience wanting more sounds good, doesn't it? But it doesn't make any sense because you, the audience, are left wanting more than the comedian, that doesn't make any sense, so what?
I'd like to do it because I've thought about it I'd like to torpedo this concert with something very nasty
jokesthat will offend and annoy you all and then you can all walk away thinking thank you that's over and done with let's get started if women are so good at multitasking it's too much to ask that get my balls tickled while they work the shaft half prank half public service announcement I'm often asked if you're ever getting married. I don't think Opal will get married. I mean, you can't get married at 16 without parental consent and that's not going to happen.
They still believe that she is dead. That is unfortunate. reaction because that's just there to warm you up for this one Did you all read that story about the girl who was kidnapped and kept in squalid conditions for 18 years? Did you read that story? Was I the only one who read that story and thought 18 years? in squalid conditions have a tidy round make a house a home lazy bint say what you like about the make-a-wish foundation they can work to a deadline sonne words nothing bad happened its not like a dropkick to kitten in an orphan face once I did it once and it was fun but you had to be there I think I solved the credit crunch I thought you would be pleased no I thought genuinely I think I solved the credit crunch you know what the problem is with the credit crunch as I, in layman terms ok trade to change the business cycle is not happening the way it has because companies and banks and countries have gone bankrupt and no one trusts each other so how are we going to fix this ?
How are we going to make things start again? start that virtuous circle? tell them what we do? build a World Trade Center? building we are going to have two of them. I saw the New York City Police Chief on the news. He said that we will never forget 9/11. I thought it was your house, not your phone number. I love doing these jobs. I'm so glad we recorded the DVD in Glasgow, but they charge these shows just for the fact. that everyone shares a sense of humor that's such a special thing that everyone appreciates too everyone gets it everyone in this room gets the fact that these are just
jokeswe're just playing around trying to laugh together it's just annoying you know these jokes aren't who i am Actually I am I mean in the real world I'm a pretty generous person or person I realize that makes me sound like a jerk but you know I'm a pretty generous person I mean last year I donated a kidney. of course they wanted to know where I got it from.
I know it's still hot. Save it. of the show, so I thought I'd end by telling you my favorite pub joke. It's a pretty rude joke. telling it and i was asked my favorite pub joke in liverpool and i said about tom my favorite project whats the difference between football and rape girls dont like football theres a textbook answer glasco its a laugh followed by the interesting for me is that they are not two different groups of people there is not a group laughing in another group that is going badly those are the same people who joke it makes you a little schizophrenic because you don't choose what you laugh at surely many of you have been disgusted what have you been laughing at tonight but you don't choose to laugh at that it's like a reflex, you just laugh and then another part of you kicks in and says what are you doing?
When I was into soccer imagine being your problem with that joke she clearly had time to think well we all liked it rough once in a while he got us there but I enjoy soccer too. A pleasure. I mean the reason we made the DVD here is Kisses, kind of one of the best concerts of the year. Just love it and thank you so much just a quick thing before I go if anyone wants an autograph or say hi after the show or finger me or fight whatever you want I'll be down there in that corner I'm more than happy to wait as much as it takes thank you very much for coming to see me and i will see you next year thank you very much you destroyed people that was originally about suicide bombers i have toned it down for you.
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