Ricky Gervais Golden Globes 2016 Full Intro

just shut up you pill popping sexual deviants come on I want to do this monologue and then hide okay not even Sean Penn find me snitch and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globes live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel with all these rich and beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives there so no one ruins it, yes we are like that because I'm going to try to be nice to your amazingly talented global mega stars, most of you, some of you just got married Well, you know who. we're all doing it we're all live on NBC and it's true that NBC presents this awards show because it's the only network that is truly fair and impartial and that's because it's the only network with zero nominations so nothing on En the forum tonight they don't care who, obviously they don't care, but like I say, I'm going to be nice tonight.

I haven't changed as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously now Caitlyn Jenner of course why did she become a role model for trans people everywhere showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and stereotypes she didn't do much for female drivers you can tell it all and you know it at the same time anyway, so I'm going to be a good guy and tell them why the president of Hollywood Foreign Press just told me that if I sign the offensive or resort to innuendo, he'll come here and he'll take me out personally, so it's an offer I can't refuse.

Yes, that's the level an old man getting rid of me again at least Jeffrey Tambor wasn't wearing a dress what a year he's had ah what an actor what a role every day he has to put away all those women's clothes and hair and makeup and let the people film him like this he takes balls so I don't know how he does it, not really, I've seen these balls, they're huge and long, or being stuffed in the bra doesn't do anything when you push it back and let it hang out. like a bulldog nobody knows I love Jeffrey Tambor I don't know if it's because he passes for an actor or because he reminds me of my grandmother a Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some movie stars would move away from the fear of being mocked as if movie stars stay away from the chance to win a

golden

hit that a particular movie company is already paid for, so what happened last year in this crazy business we call entertainment?

The excellent spotlight has been nominated. Yes, the Catholic Church. Furious at the film as it exposes the fact that 5% of all its priests have repeatedly sexually abused children and have been allowed to continue working without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best dating movie ever. Jennifer Lawrence made headlines when she demanded equal pay for women. in Hollywood and received overwhelming support from people everywhere, there were marches in the street, nurses and factory workers saying how can a 25 year old live on 52 million. This is, but there were plumbers around the logo. Poor girls are ugly. Okay, but.

Jokes aside, of course, women should be shown the same as men for doing the same job and I would like to say now that I am paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy were paid last year. Now I know there were two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is that their stupid Bowl? It's funny because it's true that the Hollywood foreign press considered The Martian a comedy and even nominated it and that's why Matt Damon is here tonight, so it was a pleasure to be fair. The Martian was a lot more fun than Pixels, but so was Schindler's List.

It's just a movie. All female remakes are the most important thing. There is a female remake of Ghostbusters. There will be a female remake of Ocean's Eleven and this is brilliant for the studios. they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast, so I sure don't care, listen if you win tonight, remember no one cares about that award as much as you do, okay? get emotional it's embarrassing ok that prize it's not offensive it's not worth it it's a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and take a selfie with you I have three I have three gold ones I make birds myself so I can put them on a door stop when I usually hit burgers and when I stay by the bed, two don't know why it's my time.

I won it fair and square. It is the correct shape and size. It's nothing, yeah, so. Let it be clear that it was a joke about me pushing

golden

globes

that I earned through the ass and they asked the host four times to do the show, let's be serious, the Golden Globes are about excellence, to win one you have to do it . Somewhat surprisingly, neither of our first two presenters has won a gold ribbon. I don't know what they're really doing here. I don't choose the guests, please welcome the fantastic Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill.