Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes (2010-12)Jan 22, 2022
ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais hello hello and welcome to the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards live from Los Angeles I'm Ricky Gervais um thank you uh you probably know me as the creator of the office no you don't think so Steve. Carell is brilliant, right? Steve Corral, he's amazing as the clumsy office manager where he gets his ideas from, let's play, pay him hundreds of millions of dollars and put him in every movie if he can't be willing to go to the movies. to see Steve in action so um just watching maybe Thursday here on NBC from the showers jump the shark a bit um this was some of the forums saying so um watch the original fridays or get the box there which is still available like that that um only only 12 episodes in a special quality, not quantity, that's what counts.
I uh, so uh, I go and get it. I will make the most of this opportunity. I'm not used to this kind of viewing figures. just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work cosmetic surgeons have done this year you all look great you've done a little work on me you've put cheek implants which is annoying and me, Hey. I've had a penis reduction just got the one now it's enough and it's really small but so are my hands so when I'm at home it looks pretty big and let's face it I'm usually holding it but I wish be doing that now, instead of this, to be honest, but come on, it's normal to be here, um, in a room full of what I consider to be the most important people on the planet, the actors, they're just better everyday people, aren't they? is it so? that's no, we all know that um, imagine a world without actors, oh god, he can't bear to think about it, imagine if he ever went on strike, oh, what would we do?
You couldn't replace them, you couldn't replace them with any other profession. lawyers or doctors, can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Laurie does internally? He would be pathetic. he would be everywhere we go where am i? what is my american accent like? what are my lines? you know? with the help of trainers who can eventually learn these lines while saving lives. He is a genius. How could you replace Kiefer Sutherland in 24? I would love to see a real counter-terrorism agent try to defuse a bomb in a busy train station in an hour. By the way, some of those scenes where Kiefer grabs him and beats him to a pulp, they weren't even in the script. um, the director just said keep shooting, we're working so that actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved all over the world because they're recognizable, you can be anyone, you could be in the third world, okay, and you can catch a glimpse of a hollywood star and it makes you feel better ok you could be a little kid a little asian kid with no possessions and no money but you see a picture of angelina jolie and you think foreign mom let's move on. before NBC replaced me with Jay Leno um and well it's not we've had um we've seen some decent winners and some not so worthy Lester no I'm not going to mention them now I'll do it on my blog at Ricky germains .com, I've had thousands of emails in the last few days saying why, oh why, The Invention of Lying wasn't nominated.
That can't be bought is an officially Golden Globe. I'm not going to do this again anyway, but if you had to buy one, the man to watch would be Philip Burke. The next category contains a couple of Legends, one of which we've already seen Sir Paul McCartney, Brett's partner, so good luck to him. I shouldn't be biased, but we actually came on the same flight. I couldn't talk to him because he was up front in first class. and he was behind me on the bus um saving money he spent a lot last year i don't think we need to feel too sorry for him he's doing well i'm a thing um kind of serious now um the Golden Globes are showing all over the world it's oblivious to color or creed it doesn't just celebrate talent it celebrates difference squashes prejudice and stereotype a stereotype i hate is that all irish people are just drunk you swear hellraisers please welcome Colin Farrell. um, this next category is kind of depressing, to be honest it's from writing. um, we all know that writers get way too much credit in Hollywood.
I mean, but what would the writers do without the actors? I don't want to keep talking about the actors, but they are the most important, okay, it's not the words you say, it's how good you look when you say them, everyone knows that and the best thing about actors is that they want to keep moving forward . His chameleons are always changing and leaving the past behind. Please welcome Rachel to her friends and that 300 guy. Hello, calm down, calm down, we're on the right track. the following host is an award-winning actress with special powers to die for the day who used her powers of seduction to win over James Bond in X-Men used her powers to control the elements in Catwoman used the power to wash herself all over and foreigner how are you doing well? cheers i've had a couple i'm not going to lie to you now listen um i didn't offend anyone i didn't mean to say it's not my fault it's a lot of powerful people here so if i'm honest i like to drink so much Like the other man, unless the next man is Mel Gibson, okay, the next host is not only one of the greatest actors in Hollywood, he's also one of the greatest men in the world.
I don't have a bad word to say. on him, mainly because he has arms as big as my legs. Please welcome the incredible Mickey Rourke. Thank you very much to all the winners. on earth i can't change i want everyone to watch the
rickydubai show on hbo live from the ground up build the international ballroom at the beverly hilton hotel welcome to the 68th annual
goldenglove awards and now your host for the evening ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais thank you hi and hello welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from The Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles it's going to be a night of partying and drinking to excess oh , as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast, wow, wow, so let's get this straight. she to his ex wife like you do uh uh he went to a hotel uh he got drunk he undressed he trashed the place while she was locked in a closet and uh that was a monday what did he do on new year's eve anyway welcome to the Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in television and movies over the past year voted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association it was a great year for 3D movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron it seems like this whole year was three dimensional final that is in the tourist um I feel bad for that joke I don't not tell you what I get on the car because I haven't even seen the tourist that has um but it shouldn't be good because it's nominated so shut up okay and I'd like to cancel this ridiculous rumor that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the foreign press in hollywood could hang out with johnny depp and angelina jolie thats rubbish thats not the only reason they also accepted s bribes, no, all that happened was some of them were taken to see share a concert, how the hell is that bribery?
Do you really want to go see Cher? No why not because it's not 1975. I didn't get nominated this year, nothing for Sex in the City too, I know I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster, well , great job, girls, we know how old you are, I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza neither nominated I love you Phi lip Morris um Jim Jim Carrey and Euro McGregor, two heterosexual actors who pretend to be homosexual, the complete opposite of a famous Scientologist , so, um, probably my lawyers helped me with a wording on that joke, they're not here, okay, there's been a new big TV drama. this year, like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so, yeah, speaking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who, uh, was getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris, um, when asked why she was marrying him, she said that because he lied about his age he told me he was 94 years old. oh come on don't worry wait and just don't look at it when you touch it.
It was the end of Lost, one of my favorites and all the questions were answered, yes I have to say that it was quite a complicated ending. the fat one in all of them huh i think i should w go ahead our first host is gorgeous and talented and jewish. Apparently, Mel Gibson told me that he's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson. They know our next movie host as Hudson Hawk. Welcome, Ashton Kutcher's father, Bruce Willis. Sometimes Hollywood provides you with an outrageous fortune. Quickly next, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of Hollywood's foreign press.
I just had to help him out of the toilet and pull out his teeth. messy please welcome Eva love Gloria ladies and gentlemen please welcome the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Philip Burke foreign thank you Eva and Ricky next time you want me to help you rate your movies go with another guy is alright i love this next host he is so cool he is the star of iron man two girls and one boy wonder boys sorry these porn movies are kiss kiss bang bang and bowfing er really, yeah, the Academy, come on, he's made all those movies, but many of you in this room probably know him best from facilities like the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail, please welcome Robert Downey Jr. foreign, aside from the fact that it's been very stingy about slight Leaf Sinister undertones.
I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far, wouldn't you say? I consider myself kind of a veteran and have done something of a study of this tell me if I'm wrong, I don't know if an actress can do her best work until I slept with her. Julianne told her that she was working with strange new feelings that were confusing me, Angie, only for her to blow my mind halfway. the session as if it never happened Annette or mentioned casually that her boyfriend is coming for a site visit because he misses her and what they have is real so they have the nerve to invite me to join them for a dinner of three and why now I I'm not trying to scare anyone, but where is Emma?
I think I got something first, it's kind of like Blue Valentine but not age appropriate now. I'm not saying my theory doesn't hold up, but somehow all of these women gave exquisite performances without an ounce of help from me, so I guess I'm just saying that if I could, I'd give it to all five, not all at once. The award here center stage in front of my wife. The audience and millions of viewers. Our next hosts are two of the funniest people in America he stole the show on saturday night live then went on to create write and style his own show 30 rock he was a working actor his career wasn't going so well if i'm totally honest, who got his big break when i hired him. a new version of a show i created called the office, now leave that show and kill a source of income for both of us, please welcome the wonderful tina fey and the ungrateful steve carell.
I love it, it never gets old for you, not as Golden Globe winners. But as writers you don't turn the channel on, we're still stars, but as stars who are also writers, we're very happy to honor the nominees for best screenplay scripts we could would have written if we'd had time like the mountaineer I'd have given my right arm to I've written there's a story about a lesbian couple lesbian couple oh there's a long complicated sci-fi thriller starring Leonardo DiCaprio not unlike my dreams mine is also the story of King George VI of Great Britain and finally the true life story of social media and how it ruins our ability to interact one on one I heard about that movie on Facebook from a friend I never met young presenters and thin with hair and teeth that are lovely to look at, which is all the better because We're presenting the award for best foreign language film, a category that nobody in America cares about.
Please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson. Jeremy Irons, here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Okay, what can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer, and director whose films have grossed more than $3.5 billion at the box office. He has won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances. in movies like Philadelphia Forrest Gump Castaway Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan, the other one is Tim Allen, well, like many of you, we remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby but very kind comedian, yes, neither of which he is now, hello and welcome back the next host is a national treasure miss congeniality she is down to earth herself girl next door she first stole our hearts as a bus driver then as a rail fair fundraiser now of course you wouldn't see her dead on public transport because I simplysaid backstage poor people are disgusting and stinky please welcome foreign Sandra Bullock thank you very much that's all um well done Justice there thanks to ev everyone in space for being good sports thanks to NBC thanks to Hollywood Foreign Press um thank you for watching home and thank god for making me an atheist thank you 69th annual Golden Globe Awards foreign ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais Ed so where was i? um nervous don't be this is not about you right hi I'm Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles voted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association tonight you will have to Britain's greatest comedian hosting the world's second-biggest awards show on America's third-biggest network so that's four that's four any of you don't know that the Golden Globes are like the Oscars but without all that reckons the
globesare to the oscars what kim kardashian is to kate middleton basically a little louder a little trashy a little more drunk and more easily bought um supposedly nothing has been proven but who needs the oscars not me or eddie Murphy dumped him said no and good for him, but when the man who said yes to Norbit says no, you know you're in trouble.
I love Eddie Murphy. He loves to dress up. Murphy and Adam Sandler between them played all the roles in the movie The Help and that's great. I can't believe they're not here or maybe they're yard guys who could be now Hollywood foreign press has warned me if I insult someone. from you or any of them or offend the viewers or cause any controversy they will definitely invite me back next year and actually they gave me a list of rules that I am going to ignore but I thought it would be good to read them well this is real ok no profanity ok i have a huge vocabulary no nudity look it's a shame because i have a huge vocabulary um but a small penis no no it's true never mind i I do.
It doesn't matter if it works don't worry it's fine it's fine I don't know anything clever or innuendo I'm not responsible for anyone and I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year, not his private life, his politics, his recent movies and especially not Jody's beaver Foster. guys here haven't seen it either but that doesn't mean it's not good sorry i don't care it's been an amazing year in showbiz it hasn't all been good news what's up with all the divorces? What's going on? Arnold and Maria JLo and Mark Anthony Ashton and Demi Kim Kardashian and a guy no one will ever remember he wasn't he wasn't around Long 72 days a marriage that lasted 72 days I've been to James Cameron acceptance speeches longer than that other celebrity scandal Justin Bieber almost had to take a paternity test what a waste of a test that would have been no he's not the father the only way he could have gotten a girl pregnant was if he borrowed one of those old basters from Martha Stewart's Turkey Alien Is It's Been A Big Year For Women In Movies Bridesmaids One Of My Favorite Comedies Of The Year Yeah Girls Finally Prove They Can Be Just As Raunchy As Men Farting Belching Cursing Performing Wild Sex Acts even poop in the sink I actually heard for a search the car spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren she's Terrible honestly you don't see him much because he has good rel public ations, but it's off the rails, huh, but the Golden Globes aren't just about movies, they also celebrate the best of television, as well as new shows like the amazing.
Homeland, which is just amazing and returning shows like Boardwalk Empire, um, I love that show, it's great, um, for those of you who don't know, it's about a bunch of immigrants who came to the United States about 100 years ago and involved in bribery and corruption. and they work their way up to high society, but enough of the foreign jokes from the Hollywood foreign press. I love them and they are good sportsmen for inviting me back and what I didn't know. profit organization anization like NBC so thank you we should continue this last year our first host was the biggest movie star on the planet but I insulted his movie The Tourist which caused his career to plummet and he He was forced to work with me. on my new show Life's Too Short which premieres on HBO on February 19th please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Timber and tell Johnny Depp just because I want to ask you a question it's real you can have something just checking, yeah, um and be honest, well are you taking recreational drugs?
I'm kidding, no, that's not the question and we all know the answer. I don't know, it's your fault. I was bombed. I just check it. It's okay, professional. Keep your speeches short. agent and God they are and they are the two I thank because in my opinion I know for a fact that both God and my agent had exactly the same amount of input in my career so it needs to be done for our next category, We have two presenters. one is in the huge world here Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol the second, as we've heard, made his mark in comedy this summer by pooping in a sink surprisingly that's even less demeaning than what most of you have done to make it on Show Business, please welcome Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton oh, it's going well, isn't it?
You're so much better than last year's audience. No, they are the right ones. Get in the ass. our next host is weird he managed to move completely from behind when he was in the ER to write the front becoming one of the biggest stars in the world if he becomes more popular or more handsome he will host this pup the next year here he me s the Clone Meister General Giorgio Pluto Golden Globes on NBC ok our next host is the Queen of Pop don't go out and sit down she's all woman I'll give you some hints she's always Vogue She's a material girl and she's like a virgin, please welcome Madonna, if I'm still like a virgin Ricky then why don't you come here and do something about it?
Don't wait to introduce our next presenters, Salma Hayek and Antonio Bandera, so you can see why I'm excited. I've loved his work for many years and I just talked to him for the first time so I made up um them. they are ridiculously beautiful specimens they are extremely talented and probably very interesting not sure why I can't welcome Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas oh almost almost um it's so nice to have a job where you can get drunk and say what you want is how and still get paid is just amazing to me, our next presenter is british like me but unlike me he won an oscar, for his brilliant performance in The King's Speech, he also swoons over women. he's also loved by critics oh good for him but what you don't know about him is he's very racist Harry in private I want to say some really nasty things I've also seen him beat up a little blind kitten please give the thumbs up welcome evil Colin Firth um as I was on my way and noticed some very angry religious people uh outside with um with big banners threatening us all with Brimstone and uh pestilence and petition for our sins what they don't realize is we have Ricky It's um last year our The Following hostess won both the Golden Globe and Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan this year.
She took a while to have a baby. Family First, please welcome to the very goofy Natalie Portman thank you that's all um congratulations to all the nominees uh another one isn't uh thank you so much for coming and I hope you enjoyed the bags gifts and the champagne and the gold i hope it took a while stop thinking about the recession for a while thank you good night
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