Rethinking Challenging Kids-Where There's a Skill There's a Way | J. Stuart Ablon | TEDxBeaconStreet

Over the last 25 years I have had the privilege of working with many different children, adolescents, their parents, their families, their teachers, their helpers of all kinds around the issue of

challenging

behavior, which is a big problem, actually it is probably the most frequent. The problem that we parents talk about in pediatricians' offices and family doctors' offices is, without a doubt, the biggest problem that worries teachers. It is the number one reason they shy away from teaching the academic curriculum. It is your number one cause of stress. Classroom management. The number one cause of teacher attrition and interestingly it is also the number one cause of referrals to mental health services, so it is a big problem and I feel like I have learned a lot over the last 25 years from and with these children, their families and their caregivers. his assistants and the interesting thing is that most of what I have learned during this time goes completely against conventional wisdom and that is what I want to talk to all of you and the reality is that most of what I have learned goes against of conventional wisdom. against conventional wisdom it can be summed up in a pretty simple phrase and that is, children do well if they can, which has become the guiding philosophy of our work, the basis of our work and when you look at it here you probably say To you, what's so momentous about this, and on its own it may not seem particularly momentous, but it actually is, and I want to explain why looking at what children do well if you can suggest is that if a child could do it well, I would.

Let her do well, if she did well, she would do well and if she does not do well, something must be in her way and if something is in her way, then we all, as helpers in her life, must find out what is interposes in it. way we can help and I'm sure that sounds like perfect common sense to everyone because it is and yet it goes against conventional wisdom because the most conventional way of thinking when it comes to

challenging

behaviors is that children do not do well if they can, it sounds more like children do well if they want to and if you think that children do well if they want to and a child does not do well, then, for example, they are not behaving Well, you think that children are doing well if you want, they are not behaving well, then you will assume that the reason they are not behaving well is because they don't want to, and if they don't want to, then what is our job? to try to make him want it? doing it well and although it probably seems like a very limited, unpleasant and probably quite ineffective role in the lives of these children, the interesting thing is that when you think about traditional discipline in our homes, traditional school discipline, discipline in society, everything is oriented around trying to make

kids

want to do well rewards punishments wait times detention suspensions expulsions, you name it, they're all about trying to motivate people to do better for sure assuming they're not doing well because they don't want to do it well.

I know what I don't believe it What I have learned is that it doesn't make any sense What I have learned is that children do well if they can I think that children do well if they can I think that if a child did well he would do well and if he's not doing well, you know something has to get in his way and it can't be as simple as he just doesn't want to. I also think it is time for us to learn from more than 50 years of experience. neuroscience research that has proven beyond a doubt that conventional wisdom is wrong.

There are now countless examples in our history

where

conventional wisdom persists much longer after it has been refuted. You can go back to something like the world is flat. Well, you know what we learned, it was round, but no one wanted to give up the idea that it was flat. I think we're going to find the same thing about the notion that children do well if they want to know all the neuroscience research. over the last 50 years has proven beyond a doubt that defiant children don't lack the will to behave well, they lack the

skill

s to behave well,

skill

s to behave well, what kind of skills am I talking about, I'm talking about skills like problem solving like flexibility like frustration tolerance, in other words, what all the neuroscience research has shown us is that children who exhibit chronic challenging behavior know what they have as a learning disability, except instead from areas like reading, math and writing, this learning disability is in areas like problem solving flexibility frustration tolerance I think that's actually a very accurate and powerful analogy and here's why I'm around 40 years old if we go back to when I was in elementary school actually not far from here if there was a kid who was reading several grades behind her peers back then, empathetic and well-intentioned educators wouldn't have said to themselves huh, I wonder if she has a disability? of learning, I wonder if he has dyslexia, I wonder if he has difficulty decoding words phonetically. no, actually 40 years ago those people would have said I wonder if he's dumb or lazy and I know there are people sitting here listening right now who can attest to the personal pain of being the kid in the classroom who ironically was tried harder than no one in that classroom for reading and it was completely misunderstood, you know what's interesting about that assumption?

Who didn't try hard in that classroom to read? children who we used to think were lazy, what a terrible shame, thank God, we've come a long way since then, but not when it comes to children with challenging behaviors, here's a little news, you know, those good children, those children What do you say? We know that they are so docile that they do what we want. They are such good children. You know, they get so much praise for their great behavior and they don't even deserve it. Do you know why they don't deserve them? not even trying very hard, it just comes naturally to them.

Guess who tries excessively to behave during the course of the day? The same children we try to motivate to behave better. A very wise man who has taught me a lot throughout his life. He is now 98 years old, my grandfather has taught me a lot, one of the things he taught me early on is that he said when you give a dog a name, eventually it will respond and I have learned that if you treat children like they are lazy, unmotivated, they don't care, they don't try hard enough over time, don't be surprised when they start to sound like they talk and act like they don't care and they don't try hard enough and you know what I don't care about.

Believe it, I think

kids

do well if they can. I have yet to meet the kid who would rather things go badly than things go well. I think kids do well if they can. Now there may be some of you listening here who have two-year-olds and two... Two-year-olds are particularly misbehaving. Now it is because they are evil beings, it is not possible for them to feel that way, but why do two year old children behave so badly? You know, because they suck at being flexible, have horrible frustration tolerance, and are extremely limited. problem-solving skills, but we don't worry too much because they are two years old and the good news is that when many of them get to be four, six, eight, ten, twelve, etc., they get better at all those things, but some don't.

It is not like that and this is the interesting thing: development happens at different rates, so many of the children I have worked with have incredible gifts

where

development has advanced very quickly, but in the areas of problem-solving flexibility. and frustration tolerance can lag behind their peers and I can tell you something that when adults change their way of thinking children do well if they want to children do well if they can, amazing things have happened, they have happened Amazing things, things happen when you put yourself in the position of trying to figure it out. What a child is struggling with and how you can help them rather than how you can try to make them try harder to behave.

Amazing things are happening now. This is what is interesting about this type of learning disability that I am referring to. a is different in the sense that you know what you can't assign a child a tutor to fix this type of learning disability, an alternative reading program will help someone who has difficulty decoding words phonetically but you already know what the skills are. problem solving flexibility frustration tolerance those really need to be taught in real situations when you need to use them in other words, you have to have situations where those neural networks in the brain are children to practice those same skills now anyone who has spent a lot of time with children with behavioral problems the bad news is that you have a lot of problems throughout the day now here's some good news, they are predictable problems, believe it or not, for the parents listening, you know that these are rising in the tomorrow and leave for school on time this is what to wear and what to eat and how much screen time you're allowed and curfew and the number one source of meltdowns in North America anyway homework uh gotta go to There are all kinds of predictable problems in bed and there are a list of predictable problems in classrooms and other environments too, so the good news is that they are predictable and even better news is that you know what that list of problems is.

It's not just a list of problems, it's a list of opportunities that weigh what those opportunities are to practice problem solving with kids because that's the only way they're going to develop those skills and the amazing thing is that we've been able to observe that when teaches adults to solve problems collaboratively with children there are dramatic results and it's really not a terribly complicated process, but in homes, in schools and in treatment centers in correctional facilities, even with police forces , Amazing things happen when adults go from being kids to doing well if they would like kids to do well if they can.

This is a skills deficit, we're not going to do it, we have to help them develop those skills and how are we going to do that by collaborating with them to solve problems so they can develop those skills? It's a pretty simple process, in essence, it's about using a lot of empathy to identify what a child's concern is about a problem, then sharing their concern about that problem, not its solution but their concern, and then inviting encourage your child to work with you to come up with mutually satisfying solutions that are built into those simple ingredients.

It's a lot of practice in problem solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance, and it's a process that can be used with little kids on little problems, big kids, big problems, whatever, so I thought I'd give an example. very quick of what that would look like. So I will use the example of the first example I gave a common problem which is that everyone in a house gets up, gets dressed, has breakfast, packs their things, etc. and they leave for school and work on time, and if that doesn't go well. That's a bad start to the day for everyone involved, so what does this process look like?

Collaborative problem solving. The first thing is that it is predictable, so the last time you want to solve a predictable problem is right when the problem is happening. You should do this proactively. So it seems like this first has a lot of empathy to clarify the child's concern. Hey, you know what we've noticed? We've noticed that the mornings have been pretty tough and when we ask you to get dressed in the morning, sometimes Hey, you're not getting dressed, don't worry, you're not in trouble. What's going on? What's happening? I don't really know, think about it for a second.

I mean, do you think maybe you're not that crazy for going? Not to school, so you're fine with going to school, I like school, eh, okay, an eight year old who likes school, cool, so what else could get in the way? Is it something about dressing badly because sometimes when you're waiting downstairs with your sister and we're all ready to leave, we go upstairs and you're supposed to be getting dressed and we see you sitting next to your clothes, so what do you think it could be? I don't want to be the last, oh you don't want to be the last so like it's a race or something you think no so it's not a race but why wouldn't you want to be the last then?

Because I don't want to be alone upstairs. Do you want to be alone upstairs? How come I don't know? You get nervous or something, maybe eh, so you don't want to be left alone upstairs. If everyone else is downstairs, you might get a little nervous. That sounds good and you realize everything. What we did was we asked some questions, we made some guesses, we provided some reassurance that we were really interested and we reflected back on what we had heard and now we know the worried kids and now it's time to put our worry on the table and what? thisgoing? to make it seem like it's not our solution, it's going to be like putting our worry on the table, hey, you know, we're just worried about everyone leaving on time in the morning, so we start the morning off right and everyone gets to work. school on time, here comes the third ingredient, you don't solve the kid's problem, so you know what I bet, there is something we can do so you don't have to be alone upstairs, which makes you a little nervous, but we all can still . get out the door on time and start the morning off right and then one of the hardest things for us adults, biting your tongue, you have some idea and let the child take the lead and in the example that I'm giving you.

Well, the kids' first idea was that they could wait upstairs while I get dressed and mom said, well, I could do that, but then you'd have to get dressed quick enough because I have to go down and start making lunches and stuff, so I'm worried. If you don't do it quickly, I'll leave. having to go down and then, what do the children say? How about I take down my clothes and get dressed down? Great idea who wins all who lose no one problem solved challenging behavior reduced morning start better helping relationship improved and skills practiced and trained note this It was a test and problem solving and flexibility and frustration tolerance and one of the most interesting things of this is not just for the child to guess who else is practicing problem solving flexibility and frustration tolerance for adults too now that we have discovered that that type of process is a necessity, a lifesaver when it comes to children who really They struggle with problem-solving flexibility and frustration tolerance, but we find incredible benefits in all kinds of places, like workplaces, like marriage partnerships, you name it, because you know what really fascinates most kids. in the world actually grow up possessing enough flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving skills so that when their problems with adults and we adults, in essence, try to impose our will on children and tell them what the solution will be , they will have the opportunity. 21st century skills that sound like a list about problem-solving flexibility and frustration tolerance, and yet, Don't actually ask kids to practice those skills much, we hope they develop them, so this process simple collaborative problem-solving that demonstrates incredible effectiveness in all kinds of different settings can be used with normal older children all the time and I have to.

In my experience, I think that many children who have the abilities are actually just waiting to grow up and become adults so they can impose their will on other people, it's sad, but it's true, and if you think about any day and any day and time in our world right here you will see many examples of problems being solved through power on the world stage, especially it is extremely rare that you see examples of adults coming to mutually satisfactory solutions to problems. Why do I hate? To say it, I'm a bit of a pessimist. I don't think we adults are all that wonderful at empathizing with each other.

I don't think we're good at taking other people's perspectives into account. I don't think we're good at coming up with win-win solutions to all problems, and I'm not surprised because I don't think we have much practice and you know what I think is infinitely exciting to imagine a world where one day the next generation of adults can be. more adept at coming to mutually satisfactory solutions to problems than simply standing in line and finding out who is bigger and stronger because that person's concerns will prevail and you know what I believe: we can teach the next generation of adults to do just that . and I am grateful to the challenging children I have worked with over the years who have shown us the need to solve problems collaboratively and believe we can learn from them.

I believe we can teach those skills to the next generation of adults. I believe that challenging children deserve the same humane, compassionate and effective approaches as children with other recognized learning disabilities and why do I believe that? I think that because I think kids do well if they can. I think if a kid did well, he would do well. I think if she's not doing well, it can't just be as simple as she just doesn't want to, because I think all kids want her to do well. I think that if the child is not doing well, it is about ability, not will, and I think where there is an ability.

There is a way that I think kids do well if they can and I hope you do too. Thank you so much.