PRANKING MY HUSBAND! // RELAX #98Jul 16, 2023
great, it's so camp and that's what happens. I love theater but she was able to captivate the entire audience with this performance where she barely moved as if she didn't move her face, you could tell what she was thinking just by seeing her face stitched through her eyes and I was so fascinated. so wow, yeah and I thought she was so amazing and I thought, "Oh my gosh, you don't have to make big facial expressions for people to know what." you're thinking like I was 21 or 22 at the time and I was so fascinated by her and why I had never seen that in the theater before and she did that in White Lotus because she is such an incredible actress, there are so many moments in White Lotus where it seemed like she would barely use her eyes, her official expressions barely and Like everyone on Twitter said, oh my god, she's so good right now, look how much she says with just one blink. like her, I wonder how that translates, could you do that in a Broadway theater like she did, yeah, like you know, oh yeah, because the video you showed me was like a more intimate Cabaret and she was fantastic, but it did not? she moves almost at all but she her brain almost everything there yeah I could see it all um but like if you were sitting you know in the second row of the mezzanine L you know it works like you can yeah I'm sure you can hear yourself but you can't if you don't you can see her face essentially is what I'm saying so don't I feel like you can feel the energy because she made it almost normal?
I saw her in a big movie theater and I like her and she did that and she was fabulous, you know, so I don't know. I only saw James Gandolfini who played Tony Soprano Soprano like in a play and I was in the back and it didn't matter, you know what I mean, so yeah, anyway. I don't know how I came to that, but yeah, just oh, because you're talking about fabulous actresses and she was the first one that came to mind because we just watched White Lotus anyway, let's just say things started. I sponsored this episode.
It's all over the place Sorry, I still have more things you need to
relax, well, we have two more segments for you. You're already talking like me if you want me to. I was about to open the ad, but instead. I got out my shopping list, so that's where I am today. If you keep joking, I think I'll need therapy. Well, our next sponsor is Betterhelp. This program is sponsored by Betterhelp today, so let's talk about it, you know, we love it. your beer and sometimes life gets confusing, sometimes life gets difficult, it gets complicated and it doesn't come with instructions, so sometimes you need help and better help because you're a beauty help, yeah, yeah, so I love a good therapist.
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I feel like therapy was the first thing that got me through it to help me figure out how to communicate better. to deal with big emotions because you know a good therapist can help you figure out those emotions and how to communicate better and, you know, I'm a big proponent of therapy, if you guys want to check it out, definitely In case it's through better help or other way to find a good therapist, therapy is amazing as the world's largest therapy service helps us best connect three million people with professionally licensed integrated therapists, available 100 online and is also affordable, just fill out a short questionnaire to contact a therapist if things don't work out, you can easily switch to a new therapist at any time, it couldn't be simpler, no waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless therapist searches right, you can learn more and save 10 on your first month by visiting Betterhelp.com chill out with me that's better help better help dot com slash chill out with me go check it out if you feel like it alright honey what else do you have today?
I just looked at my notes and saved all my research that I do for this podcast. I do all my prep work in the notes section of my phone, yeah, um, and I realized I didn't want to do the Starbucks one first. I wanted to start with what I need to
relaxis the packages that have the picture of what's inside oh. yes, on the side of the package at Christmas at Christmas anytime mm-hmm, since when did we start putting pictures of everything on the side of a package? I only have problems with it at Christmas because the rest of the year I actually go crazy when I get a box within a box that really bothers me, but sometimes now they just send it in the and it's just a box or they send it in a box. inside a box with a photo, but either way it ruins the gift because you know people see the packages that happened to something you bought me, yes, I bought it like a cart, I think that was my case, if I'm wrong . that was like my big gift because it was expensive and I was like me and I knew that one of your big gifts to me was like something that we need as a family and we want as a family and I like it and so I said Okay, I can get you a gift that We need as a family and as you know you always see the kids on walks and it's hard to just have the twins in a stroller and like Flinch you have to hold their hand or whatever I was, we need a big wagon type thing. , so I bought him a big cart to push the kids, but he came, I just looked at a picture on the side of the box and he said what a detailed picture appears. it was like what is that I was like this is what I knew exactly what it was you got it and I was like oh that's your big gift this year almost all the kids toys you know like there's nowhere to keep up like when it's going to arrive and if you're going to pick them up or whatever, but I don't remember this ever being a problem and I also feel like it would be like someone willing to steal packages, which I know is like a This It's a very common thing and it's happened to me, if you just show what's on the side, I feel like it makes it more correct, yeah, easier choices, yeah, that's how we do it.
I'm just saying I only think it's bad around the holidays because The rest of the year I always think this is a waste, why do they put this box inside another box, just stick this shipping label on the actual box, but yeah, perfect? So how do we fix this? Well I think. During the holidays you just can, companies make only blank boxes, not because you want to, because then you have to open a box and look at the pieces inside, no you have to have the box, companies keep you doing what they are doing , maybe it's the shipping people.
If there's a way to say, "Hey, this is a gift," right, what's actually on Amazon says, "Is this a gift," yeah, but they'll still like it. I think it's for smaller items, you might like to put it like a bag nearby. your eyes close your eyes uh yeah I don't know since that ruined your big gift to me this year I just thought I wouldn't ruin it because it actually worked because we got to use it when we went out. I had to open it before, I guess wait a second, because I had another relaxed one that I really wanted to say and it's quick, you probably won't even relate, okay, but the other day on Insta stories I was talking about things that bother me, yeah , and then people were sending me their things that bother me, like writing and what were their things that bother me, so I was saying things that everyone knows bothers me, like saying espresso instead of espresso, saying um supposedly, so You supposedly already know things like that, um, chew. with my mouth open normal things I like all the things I do don't you say supposedly foreigner I guess apparently I do the other two yes but it's okay um because now what you said I'm chewing my food I don't want to choke I have to do it you know, the lip smacking moments like an espresso, espresso, I mean whatever, but that lip smacking thing doesn't bother me when it's like you're in a loud restaurant, you can't hear it at all, but it's like when we're quiet , yeah, and the only sound is the lip smacking sound, that's just how I am, don't you hear that, like I'm genuinely confused by it, I just don't understand.
How could someone do that and be like you? I like a lot of my noises. I love your noises. Do you still love me even though I make all these noises? What noises do I not like you to make? That's the only one I like when I eat. when I sleep I like when you sleep that's a great sound oh no I don't but that's really the only sound I can think of like smacking your lips I think oh no there's another one. I was going to do it if we did one of those. ick tick tock, which I don't think we're going to do, but if we ever did one of those tick tock things that people do where they use the voice changer and they like to talk about each other's icks, there's only two sounds that you make because Honestly, I don't even like, uh, I don't even care that you snore, like you're snoring, like that keeps me awake, but it's never like, I'm never like, oh my God, he's swearing, I'm like, oh , he is. throwing he's sleeping next to me reminds me of when we first started how being together and hearing you snore at night would make me go oh my god like I could hear it intelligently I was so excited that It was a privilege, it really was like that anyway, so I never, To this day, like when you snore.
I mean, I feel like you're being genuine. I really am, so talk to me in five years. I may not say this again, but like snoring. Like last night you were snoring a lot and I wasn't. I was never angry. I just like that if it gets to a point where I can't sleep, I'll rub your back or rub your arm or something to calm you down. like waking up and stuff, but it doesn't make me mad, I just say, oh, he's sleeping, um, but anyway there's another sound that I ask, what's that noise? and I do, this is coming from a person who doesn't have space. talk because I make a lot of disgusting sounds, yeah, the other one, so smack your lips when you eat, don't throw stones at glass houses, I'm about to do it, so when you choose, um, I don't mind the chewing noises, It's like hard slaps okay when there's silence good note but this is the other one when you yawn sometimes it's just the smell my breath sounds like that oh like that have you ever noticed that I'm yawning no in the morning there's always a yawn that's like I'm yawning just like smelling it just sounds like how can I get as much breath in the room as possible?
It doesn't sound like a yawn it's like ah it's like I know I mean, could you, could you shoot me right now, I could 10 trillion I could things about the sounds that I make but these are the only two that I don't like because you know you know you sleep no. you snore but you sleep with your mouth again with your jaw unhinged like a snake that is so wide on your back and I would say, speaking of breath in the morning, oh brutal, you should see a doctor because that's a doctor, there must be a prescription for the Taco Bell rot that you exhale every morning and I love you, that's why I brush my teeth as soon as I wake up and I don't understand, you say, kiss me good morning, I say, if you've lost your mind, you're going to die. if you give me this. in the morning yeah, I wouldn't try it anymore because I warned you, okay, so the other thing I was going to say about um, that needs to relax, okay, so I was doing this hassle. uh, something on Insta stories, right, and then people sent me theirs and one person said something like, Oh my God, which I've never thought about except for the times when it actually happens to me, but when it's over, I never think. about it again and I thought, "Oh my God, this is the worst thing that could happen to someone" and I hate it so much when you get out of the shower that I can't say it and I like a hair like it's stuck to It wraps around like a toe wet foot or like a wet foot like long hair.
This has never happened to me, oh unless it was like your hair and our shower doesn't drain well. I don't know what's going on with this. It's incredibly good. it must happen to you all the time to me not all the time no no but some like it, especially if there is hair on it, like the bathroom rug when you get out of the shower and like your wet foot steps on wet hair and like If you're all the way up like that, it's so grotesque, what do you think about hair? I couldn't tell you. I don't like.
I think hair is so gross. I'm just wondering if we've eaten and there's been like you know, if it happens, people have hair, people who work in restaurants have hair, sometimes, as you know, hair gets in or around the food and I think there's some kind of person who takes it away. Psychopaths and they keep hitting, yeah, you know. alone and alone how to try to bury that not as memory garbagecentral while you don't like starving starving I can't touch I'm sorry we'll go immediately and then we'll throw it away I can't eat and just starve yes I know it's a problem I've done it but first but it's funny because you're someone who has so much hair that goes to the top of my head that you fall off okay relax but I'm just saying but literally like the conversations I've had with plumbers about your hair is I know it's not something I like about myself this is a push up I don't enjoy my hair falling out of my head hair on your feet getting out of the shower it's like well our showers at the bottom are covered in hair yes it's my hair I'm aware of this I'm not saying it's like that it's your hair someone else there's my hair it's disgusting when it's on my head it's okay once a strand comes out oh that's just as disgusting as if a single stray hair is right on your head, it doesn't even matter, it doesn't matter where I am if I see it. a single loose hair on the floor like on top of my head on the floor on the counter or on a chair.
I feel repulsed if there is a hair or if people wash their hair, condition it. I mean, me too. Most smile. Sometimes I do. Yes, every other day I do it, yes, sometimes every three days, yes, but usually every other day it's not like you find a sock in your food or something dirty. I would foolishly decide if there is a sock in my food. I'd probably say yes. What's wrong with the hair? I can't I don't know I don't like it It's so good I'm not kidding if I go This is something that's not good for me I'm not saying this is something great or this is something that will be made fun of, but if I go to a restaurant and I have to sit on a chair and if there is a hair on the chair I won't sit down, it doesn't matter if you remove it. the chair I can't sit in there, you won't sit in a chair if it's like vinyl and there's a little tear, yeah, it's really gross, yeah, you have a lot of problems to talk about with your therapist and I've been there .
I've dealt with it for as long as I can remember, since I was a child my parents would have pictures of me in restaurants where I was standing next to the table or sitting on my hands in a chair. because I don't want my butt to touch well to see, yeah, I don't know what it is, yeah, now I'm going to have a child, I mean we all have our isms and now having three children starts and starts well. away some starisms right in your bigism I know well guys uh we need to stop talking about how stupid I am and talk about our next uh our next we're talking about how stupid we were before we were talking about yeah, how disgusted you are Okay, now We're talking about how gross and weird I am.
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I have a couple more things and they both have to do with your hair and your head it's pretty funny oh my gosh but I wrote I wrote this note to myself I don't know what time of day or night what was thinking about hair and do any of us know what we're doing with our hair with our hair I know, I don't, okay go ahead, I've never cut the same hair twice and there's no schedule for it, everything It's random or a whim or an impulse. I've never bought the same type of things like um. putty, wax or pomade twice, you know what I mean, it's the way I like it or whatever, I just never know, I don't have a process, I have no idea what I'm doing and I wonder if other people feel this way.
That way I wear hats a lot because I just don't wear them because it's just these because I don't have to worry about my hair and what to do with it and what's going to happen during the day and if I had washed it. the night before or that morning, what it could become, you know, it's a little bit longer now, so it's even more possible, you know, even more variables could happen, and I have this feeling, but even at my age. I have no idea, no, and I wonder if other people feel the same way because you have routines and your hair always looks great, I wouldn't say that, um, I feel like I like styling my hair.
I usually have it low, like I'm not saying my hair would ever be styled, but if I was ever like, oh, I want my hair to look like a beachy wave or a big curl or straight or curly, like I know how to make them. things now um, but as far as cutting, that's something I never know what to do. I never know if it was like that. I don't trust anyone to do it. I do not know how to do it. I haven't cut my hair for a long time. years but you'll talk about yourself you'll be like I want to cut it I want to cut it I want to cut Banks I want to do that but I don't do it and when you do it you don't do it happy that you know what I hate every time I feel like it's a lose-lose situation , yes, with the hair, um, yes, I agree, I want to cut my hair so badly.
I've been talking about it for months since before. Halloween I'm like I'm cutting my bangs I'm cutting my hair and I haven't and it's driving me crazy yeah it's too long maybe you should cut it tonight you want to cut it for sure but yeah and I want to cut my hair too but I'm wondering Where I go. Don't know. I don't have a person location, even if I found a good haircut, I wouldn't remember it. I don't know, I wouldn't go back to the same person, you know what I mean, because it would be like a lot of time passed, it was easier, like when you work an acting job and they just know they cut your hair. and they do it for you you know whatever, but when it comes to your personal life, I don't know, yeah, so I just don't know and I don't like it, I don't really like sitting down and getting my hair cut, no way, that's one of the main reasons I won't do it is that I don't want to sit and have someone come here for hours.
I actually get anxiety when they cut my hair, yeah, I don't like to sit there and be still, someone does that like me. I feel how unpleasant it would be for me to receive the spray bottle when they spray your hair, you know what I mean, and then they call me. I don't know if they do this because they wash your hair for girls, usually, yeah, well. That too, yeah, leaning back on that sink, but you're not actually leaning all the way back, you're just holding yourself up like it's awkward, and then you touch yourself, and then you comb your hair all the way forward and you know what I mean, it's just and then I just hate the whole process and have no idea what I'm doing.
I haven't learned or come up with any kind of routine or things I can rely on yet, yeah. I know I sure feel the same way, but I really want to cut my hair, maybe you can cut it tonight if that's what you want, if that sounds fun to you, I really want to cut it, um, then. So this brings me to the hats. Now I am a person with a longer wait. So what do you need to relax? Just the hair, just the hairstyles. The basics, okay, I don't know, yeah, it's more abstract, I guess that's okay, but I was thinking about this because So I'm so I wear a lot of hats because it's like I put it on and you go on a lot of different occasions.
I also like hats um and my head is bigger, I think average, you know because I have a very big brain because I'm very intelligent and my children are too. All my children have a head percentile of 99 or so their pediatricians tell me. I think I have a bigger head. Yes. Yes, a very big brain. So when I go. Buying these hats that I have is very difficult and what really bothers me is when it says one size fits all. No, that's always a lot and oh, there's nothing worse than having a hat tight on your head like I hate it.
I feel, yeah, but I feel embarrassed when I go to buy a one-size-fits-all cap and it's like it's not even close, yeah, not even close, yeah, and some like even the average one, like their trucker cap or what to be. They fit like you have trucker caps for your merchandise now, right, no, they don't even fit on my head. I'm on the last, yeah, I'm like on the edge, yeah, on the edge, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry that you're embarrassed and I'm embarrassed by it, you know, I'm sorry, but I actually hate hats. I only wore hats when I cut my bangs and immediately regretted it.
You've been wearing a hat for weeks. I have been practicing this. I'm trying it like you don't want it. Yes, never because I like it. Good because. Bangs are like a chore because then you have to style them every day, you can't just have your hair down like this, which I'm doing now, like I haven't washed my hair yet today, so these are like leftover hairs from yesterday and then it's dirty and gross and I can have my hair down and dirty and gross, but if you have bangs you can't do that, you have to like washing and styling your bangs every day, it's really annoying.
I do not do it. I don't have time for that, that's when you put on a hat. You know, many famous actors have huge heads. Yes, when you meet many famous actors. What is it that everyone has a message? What if they all have huge heads? like they're making us think we all have huge heads because they make hats too small because the hat industry wants us to be interested yeah maybe well I can't buy any of their hats I'm just saying maybe that's the problem maybe It's not our heads maybe it's that everyone's head is big and we think, yeah, I don't know, maybe it's the love of the hat industry, well, I think haberdasheries need to come back, we need to customize them where they are. custom hat place where you wouldn't be willing to go get a haircut, but you're willing to have someone measure your head and, yeah, they would never do that.
I just think it's cool that, like, you know, it used to be a thing like the '30s, '40s, '50s, like everyone wore hats, women wore hats, men wore hats, people wore hats, there's everything, everyone. They had hats, there were like racks of hats, you know, yeah, because everyone wears a hat, at least outside, they didn't come in and leave. his hat, I don't know, I think it's cool, you know, most hats get a bad rap, but those are kind of like measured and can come in bigger sizes, but if you want, with regular hats, the kinds that You know, just sell, they don't know if they're my big head.
I think you found quite a few hats that work. You use. You love a hat. You've worn many hats. I know I just wish I could use them. I wish I like it in particular well, one size fits all it doesn't fit my head I'm sorry I'm not enough for you you're not all you don't have the same problem you have the The same problem, so I don't really have many hats. Hats annoy me, sometimes I like the look of a hat, but I immediately want to take it off my head, like I can't really see completely.
I don't like it because my vision is affected, you know what's wild for me to talk aboutC? Like it bothers you because you can't fully see like a person who lives in Southern California. You've talked about this so many times. Don't know. and you refuse to wear sunglasses, that hurts my vision never wear sunglasses don't drive directly into the sun no not on the beach don't walk outside in the sun i won't do it often but as you know, i hate sunglasses that We have to carry a bunch of sunglasses from one place to another and you just like anything when you're wearing sunglasses, it's all dark sunglasses.
I can't see anything with them on. First of all, the tires are deteriorating as a whole, so I can't see them. A whole section of the sky or the room I'm in because there's like a black border and there's liters. It's like someone is like that with you all day. Framed as if someone just acts like that all day. Are you kidding? They do it. They're like. They make very thin frame glasses slow that's still a frame and then they make light frames and you're also putting a filter in front of your eyes to make it darker, yeah I can't see anything, I can't see anything if you're like that ah , so bright, yes, I can wrinkle my eyes for the lights of the listeners here in this officer.
I want to wear sunglasses now because these lights are so bright. No, no, I don't like them, I don't like them and they give you a little bit of anonymity no, they don't wear sunglasses right away if someone wears sunglasses. I wonder: what is your problem that makes people look at you the most? I think you look great, right? If you're listening to this and you're wearing sunglasses, I think you look like that. cool and I think you're totally anonymous but I also wonder what that person's problem is in a good way well I'm glad but I don't like sunglasses I know I think it's kind of weird.
I bought sunglasses thinking that, oh, she's going to wear them, nice, stylish, expensive ones, and I say, thank you, I won't wear them, not because, and I always try. I always say, okay, you spent money on these, I should use them and I tried them like I couldn't use them. I can not see anything. It feels dangerous, especially driving with sunglasses. I think I'm going to have a car accident. It is very dangerous to wear sunglasses while driving. No, it is not. It's very dangerous. I can't see anything well, it's dangerous to drive, period, right? So why would you make it worse?
Why am I a scared driver? Why would you make it worse by putting more things in front of my eyes to do it? so I can't see it's like putting your hands over my eyes and saying "okay, drive" like "what are you talking about" it's a whole it exists for a reason I understand it but not for my reason to protect your eyes from the sun, I'm I don't like it, I'm not a sunglasses person and by the way I've never met another person who feels the same way I do about that, what accessory do you like?
You don't like hats I don't have a bag you don't wear you don't have a wallet I don't have a wallet I don't have a bag yeah I don't wear jewelry I don't wear like I wear jewelry it's the same thing I never take it off I've been wearing this for months, this necklace that you gave me, yeah, and I like my wedding ring, that's right I literally don't wear jewelry , I don't use, I don't have accessories the other day and you said, how? people even wear these babies, so just like touching my forehead, you had no idea how to even put them on. like touching parts of my skin that i don't want like on my forehead like the fact that there's like a hat like here tied on my forehead like you're serious like there's no way this is a joke you're literally wearing it off your neck, yeah, I know it's fun.
I just saw that movie Glass Onion and he was wearing that and I thought that's kind of a cool onion yeah okay we gotta go but thanks for listening thanks for watching everyone it's been. a great year with you here, relax, the podcast we're excited to be involved in, we're approaching 100 episodes, yeah, we have to do something for that, let's shave your head, that's what you want to do, no, please do not do it. Why do you say that? I don't know, just don't worry about my hair anymore, don't do that, we're going to get a haircut together, okay though, we'll get each other's hair a good cut.
I think we should have a professional do it. No, that's too much, you have to like talking to them, that's not fun, we've cut our hair too much. I'm especially sorry because the pandemic I know, okay, bye guys, I love you all, thanks for listening, thanks for watching, see you next time. you can relax clean and Eric has a podcast, the world is scary and we're stuck in our house, but now we have big microphones so you can relax, that's the name of our podcast.
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