Online Dating Can Be Brutal - Dry Bar Comedy

and here's the deal: you have to fill out a personality profile which, if you're like me, is a hundred questions you've never thought about in your life, you know? You got me I'm an armchair philosopher What's most important to you? Loyalty or honesty. What is most important to me? Is there money involved? Some of these things are easy. Do you know what your favorite dessert is? I like cake, so I just wrote that cake. actually all caps three by five pie this was the first one where I was very confident in the answer uh but here's the problem with these things okay you're supposed to be honest but you're trying to get people to like you someone and it's just it's contradictory to a lot of these questions, okay, what do you like to do with your free time?

Are you going to be honest about that answer? I really mean, how interesting is your free time? 99 of your free time really, I mean, what am I? I'm supposed to, well, I like to sit on the couch, look at the cat, uh, I say, kitten, a hundred times and then move my heel because the fur builds up on the outside, sometimes if I'm lucky I get a small ball of fur. throw it at the cat it scares them so it's a good tuesday night cat people meaty feet people both maybe so i did what i think most people take everything you've done that's interesting put it to an end ridiculous weekday on the other handAt the end of the spectrum, well, I usually get up and mountain bike or hike and then hang glide back to my car or paraglide, weather permitting, then hunt and kill my own lunch the way of the old pioneers and perhaps time passed. afternoon doing charity work like building yurts for homeless Mongolians, I literally got to the end and at the end they said for 30 we will use all this data and connect it to our system and match you with the girl of your dreams and that's it.

Honestly, I got more paranoid than anything else or started really thinking that the computer knows what if I've been wrong my whole life, you know, because I've always had this soft spot for the sports librarian guy with the foreign accent and a PhD and some rental properties, that's all I'm looking for. What if that's too far away? What if I'm more of a Walmart cashier type with a Ford Festiva and a bunch of guns in his basement? There is only one way to find out. I sent the money and they matched me with a pediatric anesthesiologist from South Africa.

Cha-ching, top 30 comebacks I've ever had, so I didn't even know what she was when I met her. The pediatric anesthesiologist turns out to almost kill the children. to make a living, that's what she told me, she said, well, scientifically we use drugs and chemicals to shut down your body and float you over the abyss and then while they do the operation, then they bring you back to the world of the living and then they stabilize you. from massive trauma and preventing you from being surprised, yes, that's basically what I do, which will be useful when we have to discipline our own child.

I guess I don't know. You better clean your room. Your mother will show you the target. Jesus light no, yes, I do what you do now. I'm Online. I'm on all those websites. I'm on Match.com at manyoffish.com. I'm at christianmango.com. I'm on Farmersonly. .com I do a lot of shows in Nebraska, you never know, but it's different, it's funny, first of all, that profile thing, you know, it's like filling out a job application, I just don't want you to check my references, you know, ladies . I'm so angry now I like walking and biking and camping and fishing and skiing and snorkeling and horseback riding.

I don't even know what horse skating is. We can not go out. I like to eat, sleep and drink. Boom, a lady put on her profile. She wants a man who makes at least a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year, that's what she said, I replied, I told her that times for brides are hard, I need a man who makes 150 thousand dollars, stand in line, what kind of crowd do we have? we have we're married married people happily married people I can't even make a Tinder joke tonight I still will um no I got off Tinder because I have a girlfriend that's rule number one something fancy to do and uh all the the women in Los Angeles all have the exact same sentence on all of their Tinder profiles they all wrote this sentence is this I speak sarcasm fluently heh heh so I'm a comedian I wrote to one of the girls like oh that's cool that you speak sarcasm with fluency she said really I said no I was being sarcastic here you know what fluency means I'm not sure my first divorce was in the '90s so I was right on the cusp of

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in In In the 90s, it was still considered taboo, like you were desperate if you met someone online, like back then you were more embarrassed to admit you met someone online than meeting them at the family gathering, you know what I'm talking about. you know what i'm talking about now dating sites there's no shame in any of the dating sites we actually admit where we meet these people on these weird dating sites like where did you guys meet badcreditcupid.com it's great that you download the app enter your social security number turns on location settings and then you get a notification with someone with an equally bad credit score check at a nearby bar or pawn shop now i missed tinder which seems to make dating really easy are there people on Tinder? here in the crowd, yes, a married man accidentally says yes, no, I missed that, but I have friends who do it, so I'm always interested to see how they do.

I have a friend who never gets matches, he's like 24 years old. years old he's a comedian he looks good he should get tons of matches but he never does so I'm here let me help you I'll be your coach so I'm looking at his Tinder profile and I go to settings and I didn't even know you could do this but apparently you can Set recommended ages for the matches you want. My friend is 23 and had his recommended agent set at a minimum of 45. It's like, hey man. to each his own, you know I'm not judging, but he also had the maximum distance set at one mile.

I didn't know that mommy issues could be as urgent as if I had to make out with a grandma right now. I can't drive two. miles, I've been doing online dating, uh, I mean, I have a friend who does online dating. Did I say that out loud? The photo is always from about eight years ago, just like this girl I met had about eight lip rings and five. nose rings 16 years old she looked like a catch and release trout having a bad day so I pulled her back yeah she looked like she had swallowed the hook she had a pierced tongue and I told her why do you have a pierced tongue and she said furthermore from the fact that it looks cool and i met my man online i did the online dating thing i loved online dating i thought it was cool i feel judgment i love sitting in my room at night shopping for a man it's which is not only the best for me I love that this is how I bought all my Christmas gifts so this is something new it's amazing so I think one guy wrote a profile and all the guys copied the first guy's profile because They are all more or less the same.

I want a woman who can go from evening wear to blue jeans. Everyone says we can change our clothes. Guys, I don't know if you knew this, but we can. I want a woman who likes to travel, but I don't want a woman with luggage, I know it's stupid to put people together, but that's what they say, how can I travel if I don't have luggage? So I'm very happy that I got my girlfriend. Now she's great. I made the dating website. it was on match.com for 30 days and then the free trial ran out and on match.com if you meet someone with a personality trait you get a green dot and they get a green dot that way you know if you see a lot green dots you have a lot in common and maybe you should contact the person, so one night it was very late I had all these windows open on my computer, I looked at this window and I got a hundred percent green dots that I had never seen before. seen in all my searches it's like oh my god, this is 100 green dots, this is my soulmate, this is the person who is going to change my life, I get excited, I highlight the window, I scroll up to see the photo of profile and profile photo.

It was me, y'all, hooray, apparently sometime earlier in the evening, I hit the view your own profile button and I match myself perfectly, yeah, thanks smash.com. I'm looking for a relationship online, I can't find anyone, they are too young. they're on it tinder girls both women are too young on tinder i can't find a woman on grindr i uh yeah i like older women so i'm there that's where i'm there and at this age you're 30 if you're single you'll do the online dating, we've all done it, I've gone through them all, I've done Tinder, I've done Bumble and Ancestry.com and yes the last one was not a dating site.

I found out after paying that it was not okay on these dating profiles, at least for the girls I've seen walking around on all the girls' profiles. On a hike, yes, that's a great place to meet a stranger for the first time. The forest is your cell phone's bad signal, too good. I really want this to work and I'll see. I go to church and if you are single and you go to church. listen to the dumbest advice of all time is always hey, it's okay to be single being single is a gift from the lord I'm like I don't want it, it sucks, give it to goodwill, can we give it back because I want to give it to that? boy, he's taking the girl out on a date, give it to him for a second, you're still looking at me, oh, stop it, stop it, man, stop it, he's so desperate to meet women he went on online dates with, don't do this, right? did you or not? go to match.com I hate you if you're not familiar how is who he is nowadays? but match.com is an online dating server, it doesn't work, okay, it may not have worked for you, but it has worked for a million. it didn't work match.com is an online dating so it doesn't work, it has worked for many people, you went to the website, I did it, you filled out the form, yes, you put your name, Romeo, you put your American race mannequin, they made it. joke, they're a good crowd some people don't get that joke, okay, they just sit there, okay, okay, dummy, that's my nature, okay, okay, we're on match.com, romeo, american dummy, what did you put like occupation?

Tyrone manic looking for a match, oh, get out of here, get out, I have a hundred emails and girls in Wyoming. OK OK. I love that state. It is a question. Why only what is the answer? Idaho. Alright. I love that with states. What are you talking about? Did you know Tennessee? What tennessee solid arkansas okay okay same thing utah okay okay okay she wore a new t-shirt okay man and speaking of t-shirt that place I can smell it from here okay man omg we're on match.com okay They set you up a trap. I didn't like him.

You are so critical. I didn't like him. Why didn't he have tattoos? Oh, for God's sake, you were. What did the tattoo say? Made in China. Okay, did you have any good experiences? a good one now let's get someone this is what match.com is about to do to connect you with people who have she was amazing so you met someone with soul mates you made a real connection like we met before the assembly. That's what I should assume beforehand, okay, so where did you meet this person in a restaurant? Well that's nice, that's nice and you met her as soon as she walked in the door, that's nice dude and what did you say to her?

Hello. Mom, oh come on, come on raggedy, okay, okay