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Online Dating Can Be Brutal - Dry Bar Comedy

May 30, 2021
my pretty face, he read my bio and gave me some feedback, yes he told me i need to change my tinder bob because he wrote a quote that makes you look pretty sad and needy can you believe this woman is you? Do you see the audacity? Are you going to call me sad and needy? Do you realize how ridiculous that is? me and i was like aaron your ears are pretty big and dumb because yeah that's true but whose fault is it who made me this way tabitha that's on you in her defense my bio was pretty sad and needy so no you hit it off right away do you expect or have a bunch that sounds like "hey guys i'm not" i'm here for anything too serious just someone to hold me while i cry it hit me but this is something hard to get away with today i mean i took a nap i was being very honest i would say he is a lonely control freak. a few words for an assignment from a romance game he says you know and um i wasn't getting very far it's hard to find a good one you know i want a good one i've waited so long i went out with a guy in the middle of lunch he turns to me and it says it's not your natural color that's fake tilt my hair i'm like oh you got me i'm broken my hair color is fake but you didn't notice all those fake laughs before did you? i didn't understand you so i'm originally from a small town in michigan called oscoda that's the appropriate answer i hadn't heard of that either it's a very small town like tinder


app tinder in a small town is basically the same as great he mad at my uncle bob again so this is what works internet


ok th thanks yeah every nfl game i watch every other commercial is either viagra or and im the only guy on here using both come on so you know this is what you write in that first essay and that's when I eat It's like 2:30 in the morning and you're sitting in West New York New Jersey in your underpants and that's when you realize that my life did not work out as expected.
online dating can be brutal   dry bar comedy
I used to drive a jeep and I had abs and now I need the computer to fall in love and uh so you know you wrote the essay did they meet


? oh okay sorry okay you want to talk about it in front of 300 people anyway so I uh you write the essay and you want to be funny and charming you want to work in the sense that you like kids but not in a creepy way and then at the end of the essay you say if i write or best offer like no that's right it's like real life involving you. i know and have been on internet dating i was an early adopter i was on internet dating when the internet was cb radio and all dating was at a truck stop i mean i've been at it for such a long time near route 80, i knew you guys would understand that, so you know this is the problem, you're not lying. about you you're just polishing the apple like you're imagining yourself on the best day of your life i could imagine it was like summer 2004 i was at the beach i was so skinny because i had diarrhea all week i really look great my friends you're like dude, you're working out again, i'm like, what do you mean again? lots of takes of this because stomach is coming back i'm going to eat my weight and crab cakes before we leave here and that's a guy i'm imagining but you forget everyone else is doing that like i like curvy women you know that one it's one thing you can pick people by body type when you do the internet dating thing i like i like curvy women ok i know i need a new gesture for this because it makes me look like i like doll women of snow.
online dating can be brutal   dry bar comedy

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online dating can be brutal dry bar comedy...

I love the carrot nose, the coal eyes, the little scarf, the way it melts and disappears every April. golf all summer and get another snowman woman in november that's perfect that might be a weird fetish i didn't realize you know i like snowman women i put so i like curvy women and someone told me that you have to compare yourself to a celebrity so i describe myself actually i've been with my girlfriend for a while but you know when we met michael phelps he was hot so i described myself as a lot like michael phelps right , thanks for laughing at me because this guy doesn't look like I'm on that 8,000 calorie a day diet he's on, I just don't do any swimming to burn it off and, uh, so we meet up for a cup of coffee I almost said we meet for a drink we meet for a sprite somewhere and she gets out of the car and for a second i'm thinking i hope she doesn't think i really look like michael phelps but then i look at her and i think that she doesn't have as many curves as she is round curvy means more than one curve you know that's why it's not exactly pronounced curve single people are single people here we are the single people here great just measuring my chances huh none tried all the apps i tried them all tried all the apps tinder bumble airbnb ah just trying to get something to work you know what i mean i had to remove tinder for my phone i didnt like it i didnt want to use it anymore swiping all day im was getting addicted no i did it i had to delete it from my phone so now i do it in real life i just go girls like no just double tap them like show me more outfits what you got in a romper that's my favorite can we make a onesie?
online dating can be brutal   dry bar comedy
I'm naive. I don't understand dating. Dating younger girls can be very awkward. i understand some of the things they say in dating i was on a date recently and 10 minutes into a girl says oh no i forgot to take a picture of your badge and text it to my parents sorry sorry what what do you what she says? oh yeah you know just in case i get lost we met through friends not on craigslist like i work with your mom kathy like i don't understand why why are you so nervous she's leaving probably I shouldn't have.
online dating can be brutal   dry bar comedy
I told you no you have to tell the boy you're going to do that right because if you don't tell the boy you're still going to miss take a picture now text your parents I don't care and she says they sure are you're not that weird and you came out and i was like nah this ain't my car you thought i was going to kidnap you in my car oh no no i'm not a jerk you're a keeper get in the trunk watch out for the boys who clap that's not my move tonight okay i don't have a swipeable face does that make sense for dating apps? everyone is on tinder and i can tell this ain't nobody never looks at me says that's what i want you know it takes a lot of convincing so i don't know i don't fuck around and if you're single for any amount of time they'll start pushing like you had you tried danish


like i've never heard of this, it's like something new, yeah i mean i've heard of it, yeah i'm familiar with it i don't know. when you first heard it online 10 15 years ago whatever it sounded easy like the first time that sounds simple because i've done shopping online turns out it's not the same i think i'll go i'll click a couple of girls going to the shopping cart and then assuming i had enough i could save on shipping but it's so cool i can only feel it from you guys it's great it's so much fun we'll do a group hug later it'll be fine , I mean I won't be a part of it but you can and I just like to touch people but this is so Lavi probably married a long time ago. or whatever, and you may not know how online dating works.
Here, let me give you a snapshot of what it's like, he generally has to create a profile first, so it's a lot more work than he thinks. it's like an online class an online creative writing class and there's a lot of fiction so you uh yeah you have a uh the first to come up with some kind of catchy headline pretty much all women write the similar things they write , they love to laugh, they want to let you know they like to laugh which is cool that's cool I just don't know anyone who doesn't love who you know who doesn't love to laugh they're like oh I'm not a laughing guy come on that's uh, I makes you happy inside so keep going i like to sneeze so if you go to a sneezy club let me know i'm great love laugh great. enjoy breathing we have a lot in common you know there is a connection here flickering from time to time w We have something to work with you see they read this uh person they are looking for many times and then sometimes they say uh no egos guys looking for a egoless guy like online dating no ego at this point you're lucky i didn't start here so i think of all those old pictures you've seen of a guy in the middle of nowhere like a trailblazer some guy who has a single wife i live in. a city of about a million people and i can't find someone to spend the weekend with i'm not going to be so arrogant is what i'm saying so maybe he's into the ego talk huh so we have the pics eh, of course, they are everywhere, you see?
I've seen this sometimes, sometimes not even from people I've seen pictures of as living rooms. I'm not even sure what my reaction is supposed to be, yeah I can see myself. sitting on that sofa that looks like a nice sofa a good basis for a relationship is your cat picture lots of pet pictures again i am looking at a picture of your dog going yes i can see myself petting that dog that looks like a good pet dog let's get started there well i don't see this photo it's a group photo i don't even know which girl i'm supposed to be looking at uh never your first choice i'll tell you that now um no not even the second or third time you noticed that oh i thought it was a rescue friend I did not even know that she was part of this sadness.
You guys feel worse with people in jokes you'll never even know than I do with people I care deeply about. amazing made up joke ok so there's a picture we know there's a photo that's tight on the face cropped real tight how to get i know the face is part of the process but give me a hint what's outside of the marks of cutout that you don't want me to see is a fin is that what happens is that and you think I'll never see ar If you're going to be behind a door all our lives, just behind a small cutout, give me a clue, it's Like this is my analogy, it's not a good one, but let's say, let's say, you're going to buy a car.
You see a description on the screen. car ok it sounds great and there's a picture of a picture it's tight on the front tire it's really clipped like yeah it's probably not exactly what you described so you turn up and look oh wow that trunk is so much more Bigger than I thought it was going to be. I thought okay, maybe the headlights would match, but I guess whatever, okay, we come to that, we're all good with that. internet right there internet right there well how long oh oh up oh in the bad seats ok they think they online fuck you that was funny what was the name of the website you connected with your neutral man, isn't that a gas? let me tell you about the internet date maybe it worked don't break down over the jerry springer thing chill out folks you got these guys they think they're hooking up with a hottie on the internet it's me it's lollipop on gmail com, so I tried online dating a while back, uh, several years ago and uh, yeah, and I didn't want to, but I was drawn to one of those sites, right?
I was just doing some research and, uh, this is the deal you get to fill out a personality profile which, if you're like me, is a hundred questions. you've never thought about your life you know you got me i'm an armchair philosopher what's more important to you loyalty or honesty what's more important to me if there's money involved some of these things are easy you know what's your favorite dessert i like cake so i just typed that pie in all caps three times five pie pie this was my first i was very confident in the answer huh but here's the problem with these things ok you're supposed to be honest but you're trying to get someone to like you and it's just that it's just not intuitive for a lot of these questions, okay, what do you like to do with your free time, are you going to be honest with that answer? well i like to sit on the couch look at the cat let's say kitty a hundred times then touch my heel because the fur builds up on the outside sometimes if i'm lucky i actually get a little ball of fur roll it up And throw. that in the cat scares them so it's a good tuesday night cat people meaty feet people both maybe so i did what i think most people take everything you've done it's interesting to put it to an end on the weekdays you're ridiculous on the opposite end of the spectrum, well I usually wake up and mountain bike or hike and then hang glide back to my car or paraglide if the weather permits then I'll hunt and kill my own lunch in the old pioneer trail and maybe I'll spend the afternoon doing charity work like building yurts for homeless Mongolians, I literally got to the end and I, uh, deep down they said for 30 we'll use all this data and plug it into our system and we will match youwith the girl of your dreams and that will be honestly i got more paranoid than anything or i start to really think the computer knows what happens if i've been wrong all my life you know why i've always had this thing for the librarian type sporty with a foreign accent and a phd and some rental properties that's all i'm looking for what if that's too far away?
What if I'm more of a walmart cashier type with a ford festiva and lots of guns in his basement? i sent the money i was matched up with a pediatric anesthesiologist from south africa cha-ching the best 30 return i ever had so i didnt even know what it was when i met her too pediatric anesthesiologist turns out she almost kills children for a living thats what she told me he said well scientifically we use drugs and chemicals to shut down your body and float over the bottomless pit and then while they do the operation and then they bring you back to the world of the living and then you stabilize from the massive trauma and prevent you from crashing, yes, that's it.
Basically, what I do will come in handy when we have to discipline our own child. I think I do not know. You better clean your room. Your mother will show you the white light of Jesus. I'm online I'm on all these websites I'm on on I'm on I'm on I do a lot of shows in nebraska I never know but it's different it's fun man first of all that profile thing, you know. It's like filling out a job application, I just don't want you to check my references, you know, and women are so mad right now, I like to hike, bike, camp, fish, ski, dive, and rollerblade, I don't even know what horse. skating is that we can't go out I like to eat and sleep and drink boom a lady put in her profile that she wants a man who earns at least one hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year that's what she said I answered her I said girlfriend times are hard I need a man to win 150 thousand dollars get in line uh what kind of people do we have we are married people married people happily married i cant even do a tinder prank tonight i still will um no i left tinder because i have a girlfriend thats the rule number one, what to do with class, and all the women in Los Angeles, they all have the exact same sentence on all their Tinder profiles.
They all wrote this sentence. This is the one I speak fluently. sarcasm he he so im a comedian i replied to one of t girls like oh thats so cool you speak sarcasm fluently she was like really i was like no i was being sarcastic here you know what fluent means not sure Internet Dating, straight Internet Dating in the 90s, I was still considered taboo, like you were desperate if you met someone online like back then, you were more embarrassed to admit you met someone online instead of meet him at the family reunion, you know? what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about now dating sites there is no shame no shame on any of the dating sites we really admit where we meet these people on these weird dating sites like where did you meet badcreditcupid? .com is great, download the app, enter your social security number, turn on location settings, then you get a notification with someone with an equally bad credit score, check at a nearby bar or pawn shop, now I'm lost Tinder that is seems to make dating really easy.
Are there people on Tinder here in the crowd? Yeah, a married man accidentally says yes, no, I missed it, but I have friends who do it, so I'm always interested to see how they're doing. i have a friend who never gets any matches he's like 24 he's a comedian he looks good he should get tons of matches but he never does so i'm like here lemme lemme help you i'll be your coach so i'm looking at his tinder profile and i'm going to settings and I didn't even know you could do this, but apparently you can set recommended ages for the matches you want.
My 23 year old friend had his recommendation. The agent set himself at a minimum of 45. It's like, hey man, each on him. You know I'm not judging, but he also had the maximum distance set at a mile. I didn't know that mom's problems could be as urgent as the ones I need to do. dating a grandma right now i can't drive two miles i've been online dating uh i mean i have a friend online dating did i say that out loud the picture is always from like eight years ago just like this girl i met had like eight lip rings and five nose rings 16 years old looked like some sort of catch and release trout having a bad day so I jerked her back yeah she looked like she took the bait she had a tongue piercing and i told her why do you have a tongue piercing and she said besides the fact that it looks cool and i met my man online.
I did the online dating thing I loved online dating I thought it was cool I feel judged I love sitting in my room at night Shopping for a man It's not just the best I love it This is how I bought all my gifts from Christmas is also this is something new it's amazing so I think a guy wrote a profile and all the guys copied the first guy's profile because they are all pretty much the same I want a woman who can go from evening wear to jeans blue everyone says we can change clothes guys I don't don't know if you knew that but we can I want a woman who likes to travel but I don't want a woman with luggage I know it's stupid to bring people together but that's what they say like can i travel if not i don't have luggage so i'm really glad i have my girlfriend now she's great.
I did the dating website thing. I was on for 30 days and then the free trial ran out. in a personality trait you get a green dot and they get a green dot that way you know if you see a lot of green dots you have a lot in common and maybe you should contact the person so one night it was really late i had all these open windows on my computer. I took a look at this window. I got 100 percent green dots that I have never seen in all my searches. It's like, oh my gosh, this is 100 green points.
This is my soul mate. that's going to change my life i get excited i highlight the window i scroll up to see the profile picture and the profile picture i was everyone hooray apparently at some point earlier in the night. I clicked the button to view your own profile and I'm a perfect match. Yes, thanks I am looking for a relationship online. I can't find anyone. They too. young they're on that tinder girls both women are too young on tinder i can't find a woman on grindr yeah i like older women so i'm there that's where i'm at and at this age in your 30's yeah you are single you will do online dating we all have done it i have reviewed all of them i have done tinder i have done bumble and and yes the last one was not a dating site after i paid i found out i was not ok on these dating profiles , at least for the girls I've seen hiking on every girl's profile. be on a hike yeah that's a great place to meet a stranger for the first time the woods your cell signal bad too good i really want is to exercise and see i go to church and if you're single and go to church you listen to the dumbest advice it's always good it's okay to be single being single is a gift from the lord i'm like i don't want it it sucks give it to goodwill. he's so desperate to meet women he went online dating don't do this did you or didn't you go to online dating server not working well it may not have worked for you but it worked for a million it did not work is an online dating site so it is not working it has worked for many people visited the site web you filled out the form yeah you put your name romeo you put your race dummy american they got that joke they're a good crowd some people don't get that j okay they just sit there okay dummy that's my nature ok we are on dummy romeo american what did you put as occupation? girls in wyoming ok ok i love that state its a question why only whats the answer idaho ok i love that with states what do you mean did you know what tennessee what tennessee solid arkansas ok ok same utah ok ok ok all right she was wearing a new jersey ok man and speaking of jersey i can smell that place from here ok man omg we're on ok you got set up i didn't like it you're so judgmental i didn't like it because i didn't have tattoos oh for god's sake you were so what did the tattoo say made in china ok you had some good experience i had a good one now we're getting someone this is what is about to matching you up with people who have been great well so you met someone with soul mates you made a real connection like we met before meeting thats what i should assume beforehand ok where did you meet this person on a restaurant? well that's good this is good and you met her as soon as she walked in the door that's nice dude and what did you say hi mom oh come on come on raggedy okay okay

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