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Negotiation Mastery Negotiation Lessons on Persuasion From Former FBI Hostage Negotiator Chris Voss

Jun 07, 2021
Imagine that you are going on an African safari with your family, you fly to Rwanda, you land safely, you head to the Radisson Park hotel in a taxi, suddenly the taxi enters a warehouse where you are surrounded by armed terrorists and you realize that You have been kidnapped. What would you do? They give you a cell phone and tell you to make a call. Who would you call? Well, an interesting challenge at the moment. You should be wondering what this has to do with my life and how to make the most of it. once a genius Network What if the kidnappers really were just businessmen?
negotiation mastery negotiation lessons on persuasion from former fbi hostage negotiator chris voss
What if the keys to negotiating a kidnapping where you feel like you don't have much influence and don't want to upset the other party weren't terribly different from a normal global trade

negotiation

Chris Voss is the author of this incredible book called Never split the difference negotiating if your life depended on it is one of the Wall Street Journal's best-selling business

negotiation

books has been listed in ich komm as one Chris, one of the best Southern negotiation books ever written, works with the FBI for 24 years and retired as a top international kidnapping

negotiator

after leaving the FBI.
negotiation mastery negotiation lessons on persuasion from former fbi hostage negotiator chris voss

More Interesting Facts About,

negotiation mastery negotiation lessons on persuasion from former fbi hostage negotiator chris voss...

Chris used his unique negotiating skills to form his own company, called Black Swan Route. He teaches business owners like us his negotiation methodologies that focus on discovery and black swans, small pieces of information that have a big effect on the outcome. Chris and his team have felt that companies are confident and close better deals, save money and solve internal communication problems. We'll be sitting in an interview and Chris and I will ask you a series of questions that I know and think you would ask if you were sitting here, so depending on the time, we'll possibly ask some questions and just remember that there's no such thing as a stupid question, There are only stupid people who ask questions well, so first of all, mention it to Chris, boss, thank you very much, it's great to have you here.
negotiation mastery negotiation lessons on persuasion from former fbi hostage negotiator chris voss
I mean, I've been really looking forward to this, not just for the group but for myself because his book is amazing and I'm sitting with a lot of questions here. I won't have time to ask you all of these, but whatever comes up, what the hell does negotiating with terrorists have to do with people getting into business? yeah, well, our negotiations are calmer, yeah, now, interestingly, you know, they saw it on the Netflix show. Mindhunters, right. FBI psychological profilers. They started all that by just saying, "Okay, friendly behavior is just human behavior. It turns out it's more intense, but it's governed by the same set of rules and some of them started solving all these crimes,

hostage

negotiation is just negotiation, humans involve the same set of rules.
negotiation mastery negotiation lessons on persuasion from former fbi hostage negotiator chris voss
We would have thought that

hostage

negotiations are occasionally more intense, but actually you have more stories of people screaming at you storming out of rooms than we ever did because our guys are more reasonable, not because of our approach, so the dynamic is the same as long as you're dealing with human banks, yes, for people who really have no context than a company that helps people with the Negotiation doesn't mean what do you actually do for people what do we have like soup, the nut operation now originally I envisioned us being primarily a training company and we wanted to train companies and now we were doing a lot more or training people in addition to companies, but we are also training on a lot of agreements, we are doing a lot of training, people come to us with a problem that they have been fighting for. a while and on average I would say people come to us with a negotiation that they have been dealing with, if they come to us, I have been dealing with any problem for six months to a year and a half, we will usually have it resolved. in about a week and you know one of the most important things that I think we help people do is reduce trading time now to about 25 percent of the amount of time you actually spend on it, that's incredible, Well, what I hope for.
After our conversation here, everyone here is more capable, they have better context, they are really able to hear things, see things that they had never thought about before, because Chris is incredibly, you know the good thing that you didn't just write an incredible book about it, you've really lived this, you've done this and I mean, this is now, this training is a byproduct of how many years you spent with the FBI 24:24 yeah, and we're doing it now too, I mean I have a team. I mean, you guys know you need a good team. I have a good team around me and my guys continue to push new ideas like my son is my in my business.
Can you imagine what it was like growing up? son of a hostage

negotiator

, started getting out of trouble in high school before I knew what he was doing, he has some stories that when I hear something like, you know, I didn't know it happened, that's why. I'm mentioning it now, but we're still improving it all the time. I think that's why well, it wasn't the phrase this morning, don't compete, create, we're still creating it, so I think that's great, you know, entrepreneurs are Dan Sullivan, he says you know they wake up all the days and you make it up and make it real, and in the process there is a lot of negotiation along the way and you negotiate with yourselves, let me know everything.
What we're doing is a sales job, you either attract or repel people, so working for the FBI, what's the most interesting or surprising thing you learned or learned from there? Why, if he took up editing, was it the best job for entrepreneurs? the moment, but that's if you took that attitude and a friend of mine who was a hostage negotiator one day told me that when we were in New York we had a bald owner, we had a great time. I worked with guys who were fun to work with and we had fun working in incredibly weird ways, but what else is there?
I work with a girl from Jersey and the ladies forgive me. I use the term girl because she has fewer syllables and I like rooms that have fewer syllables, but a Jersey girl. I worked in New York with the top top girl top top New Jersey girl name her name was Louise and she called herself Lew and Louisa saying the FBI there's a seat for every butt so it was a great job whatever you liked from it, you could do Do it and have fun doing it mm-hmm, you know since then and you write a lot about it in the book, not only about the things that were successful, but also about when people died and during your time there, how do you know ?
Part of this is learning techniques. but another is how you have to be psychologically and mentally to negotiate under extreme pressure where someone's life is at stake, literally you are the guy who is going to interact with someone who could and will kill someone themselves. and I mean, how did you get the mindset to do that? I mean, did it come to the techniques first or did it first come up like let me? I mean, how did this training happen? How does one prepare? I guess so. In fact, I think I was lucky because, um, I got, I learned the process really well before I became a hostage negotiator, so I had a really good process and I said my training level was pretty high, so I'm ready to the first real negotiation I was involved in, which was a bank robbery with hostages, so I trusted the process.
I was very solid and it worked, and the bank robbery with hostages, well, they happen in movies all the time. They happen all over the country about once every 20 years, they're really rare events, yeah, so I got really lucky and then I got it right and it turned out the other thing was I worked for a guy who taught me things before he gave me account. that he had learned that and he used to tell us that we always had a better chance of success but we never guaranteed success and I learned that kind of mantra before I realized that it meant that if you did it long enough it was something like that. it's going to go wrong and when it did it was difficult, but then you go back to your training, you go back to your process and you realize that you know this chance of success means that every once in a while something is going to go wrong, yeah, so When something went wrong, how?
Did you internalize it? I was difficult, you know, it took me a while. I mean, how I internalized it, I duplicated it. I just decided and in fact, then I would look for negotiators who have been in scenarios where they kill people because if you are the majority of the hostages. negotiations go well, so if you don't do many, you think, I'm amazing and people get too confident somewhere between five and less than 15, something is going to go wrong and then I looked at them because I said, okay, I'll never quit. If this happens again, what do I have to do to improve?
Oh, that's when I said to me, that's how I ended up at Harvard learning negotiation because I was right, I did everything we know. doing it was inadequate, we had to get better, so Harvard was happy to collaborate with us, but everyone I went out recruited guys specifically because they were on a case where someone was murdered and I saw that they didn't quit and I knew. Either you say I'm going to get better or I'm going to do something else and everyone said I'm going to get better those are the guys I wanted so I have some interesting questions here one is you say Oprah.
Winfrey is the greatest negotiator of all time, why do you say that and what skills do you need to be a great negotiator? Yes, it's Oprah Winfrey who put Lance Armstrong in front of the camera and made him admit everything and it was certainly a surprise that she accepted beforehand. When you're asked each of those questions, think about that negotiation beforehand and you'll know that you could identify over and over again where she and her people did something spectacular that required communication. She has had no shortage of fights with celebrities. How many men do you know? "That's a mark of a great negotiator, not not who they crushed, but what they accomplished, what they achieved, who is still doing business with her after those explosions and then also look where it started, yeah, poor black woman from Chicago, some trauma, yes, it is.
It wouldn't be like he didn't get his dad to give him a million dollars to begin with, so when you start looking at the extent of the things he did and then I got to know his VP during bookings and talent relations over the last few 19 years old recently in Los Angeles and I got to know some of the things they did and I thought, wow, yeah, a lot of the same things we did, yeah, just in a different way. way, which was a relief for me to hear that they are the same ideas, but hey, Oprah is on Chi, I'm not friends with her, I met her twice, once in 1999, I think it was at an air spa in Tucson and she's just tough, I mean, she, you know, you can say she has a force field.
I mean, she's a force of nature and she's very strong and very powerful, but she also knows how to be nice about it and she has a very interesting personality. and she was so tired when I spent about 10 minutes talking to her about equine therapy with horses and stuff and I wanted so badly to ask her to do an interview, but she looks so exhausted at that point that I had to do it. keep it on a personal level but you know she was very nice but very sheltered until she could see you know there's a way because all day long she's getting beat up people want a piece of her and you have to do it but yeah.
I mean, you're absolutely right, she hasn't earned the reputation of being an idiot. I mean, yeah, every time there's a whiff of controversy, she disappears, she's a movie fan. Yes, someone told me about a very specific conversation she had with an extremely tall. -Celebrity profile who wanted to put conditions on the interview and in short Oprah called her on the phone and the message was "it's my way or the highway" and the celebrity completely agreed, now she didn't say it like that, but that's how it was. the essence of the message, so if you can say it, someone who is used to getting their way and this person has practically run away all over the world, you say it's my way, the highway to them, then you're good at negotiating, yeah, and?
They are the biggest mistakes that would start with the ones we make when negotiating because we are all doing it. I mean, how would you define negotiating, communicating to achieve results and in real time and from the collection of information is part of it? Herb Cohen wrote a book from a long time ago that said you can negotiate anything and he defined negotiation as a use of power and information in a web of tension. Now what the attention would be the emotions and the only adjustment that I think we made in our tea and our definition is us.
Don't just use the information that we collect and use it because if you say use of information, you assume that you are coming to the table and you know that you should have collected all the information before you came to the table. The table is the best place to gather information and many people will refrain from going to the table because you want to be prepared and you don't want to be prepared.Happy by nature is actually ridiculously smart strategically you are 31% smarter in a positive mood if you are smiling you are programming your mood you are creating for yourself Smarter everyone has something called Marriner so I smile at you, your marathons are activated even if you trigger it, you started smiling, it is an involuntary response, it is chemical changes in your brain, you are also smarter, it is a smart move, one of the reasons. why naturally sociable people make a lot of deals because people and aren't always the best deal but they're probably pretty good but you're okay so you just said you're 31% smarter when you're not in a positive state of mind, right?
TRUE? you can become that and become 31% more effective and intelligent, which seems like a pretty good advantage, huge, yes, and there is actually a hardwired connection if you force a smile on your face when you feel bad, the chemical change still is carried out. and you can overwrite it and then the third type is what we call the late night FM DJ, which is the natural tone of voice of hostage negotiators. I mean, we learn that we practice it over and over, and over and over again, because it hits them, it hits the mirror neurons that it activates. a chemical change and it slows down the brain on the other side now we will use it about ten percent of the time if we have a term in a contract that is completely unacceptable that term would often be work for hire I will not sign a contract that has a work for hire clause contract well, I would do it, but it has to be four five billion dollars, it's no joke because contract work takes away our intellectual property, I'm just not saying that they take it away from us, we all sit at the table and I'll look at you eyes and I will tell you that we do not work for hire.
Night FM DJ. Voice. You will feel that it is an immovable term. What I say. What you listen. If I say that it is an immovable term. You're going to be angry and want to fight me about it. I don't need that, so I'll just take the term and put it like this. Your brain will slow down. It will stop when you recover. You will come up with the Answer for me. I won't say I need you to remove that clause either. I need you to volunteer that idea. That's great, so I heard you say before that when someone says "let's create a win-win situation," they'll usually try it.
That's an indicator that you're probably going to try to take advantage or whatever and I found that very interesting because I've used that term. You know I'm willing to be scenes where I'm fooling myself. I said it in ways that I truly care about others. I want it to be a win-win situation, don't use it as terminology to hide dishonesty or trying to be dishonest, and I know the whole thing like a lot of people who brag about how their integrity is now great, they are and how they want that you win are often the most crowded.
I also know that some people are the softest talkers or sometimes, you know, wolves in sheep's clothing, that kind of thing and when I heard that, although it really caught my attention, it's like saying, "Hey, so that you know what to do when you really want to create a value-for-value deal, you're not trying to over-negotiate if that's the right way to call it." You're not trying to scam anyone, but you're revealing too much or letting people crush you. I'm guessing what some are without making this a confusing question. What are some indicators that should be red flags or warning signs that if someone says this, be careful and what's the warning?
How could I describe things better? Because I want things to be a win-win situation. I mean, like everyone else here, you know they invest a lot of money to be in this. group I want you to get a lot out of this. I really care about my clients, you know? and at the same time I have some people who will try to take advantage of me and ask me too much or just very demanding and so, what are the words?, those are indicators, that's why I'm asking you two things, you know, what are like signs of warning, that when they hear them, they know that the antennas are activated, that is, they know something that they should know on the other side.
How do you protect yourself from being taken advantage of? Okay, okay, context, context, context, honest and contextual intelligence is a Porsche, a part of emotional intelligence, that's really what we're talking about. We're talking military grade here. weapons of emotional intelligence great empathy how do you like that? That's really good, so context, you have to have a win-win mentality if you're in a win-lose mentality, that's actually stupid because if the other side loses, why are they ever going to? I want to make a deal with you again, that's a little silly, but a lot of people don't realize that in business negotiations, most people tell stories like I had about a barrel and they knew I beat it and every time I hear someone speak. well, I just shake my head, I think you know you were losing so many deals, no, absolutely, there are people who are in the transaction business versus the relationship business, so now there's more context about win-win if someone expressed from the beginning.
They say they're trying to cut your throat. Now we talk about this a little bit too and you know Joe doesn't show up and say, Hey, happy to see you, let's make a deal where everyone wins. Yeah, you know, you start talking. later in the conversation you either feel it or you try to live it, that is completely different from what we have seen over and over again in almost all the people with whom from the beginning we have been in a negotiation with them and If they articulate themselves, let's make a win-win deal in the first three minutes.
I know they want to get our stuff for nothing, and every once in a while I'm already heading for the door, so you know what the directions are. Actually, there are two indications. You have to be careful of people who are trying to cut your throat, what's worse is people who are trying to milk you for information and never make any deal with you, one of the things that is not in the book, which actually it's probably The focus of the book we're talking about now will be much more what we call deal life testing and if sellers have a saying: it's not wrong to not get the deal, it's wrong to take a long time to not get the deal. , that's what's killing you, that's what's killing more people in more businesses and we changed what we call proof of life early on and then we walked away, which has also been expressed a couple of times here. play the long game play the long game that's when you start to be willing to walk away from things or I was also playing the percentage game that I get if o-o-o half you know I'm in a conversation with a potentially extremely lucrative client Two days ago I received training because I was talking to myself on the phone and normally we like to negotiate in teams, but I hung up the phone and called one of our coaches.
I told him this is my reading. They did not pass the test of life. I did some other things. I think I need to email this guy back and tell him we're not interested. He is waving. He is saluting a billion dollar company. He will grow to a billion dollars and he wants to change the culture of it. these problems, I know we have answers, I know they could benefit from us, but I firmly believe they want us to create a program for us and then they will implement it without us or go to whoever they want. go to them first and they will tell them to do our stuff and I know there are a lot of people out there who are telling their favorite suppliers to do what we do, it has been reported directly to me so we have those from the At the beginning, you know who will be the ones who will waste time on a long road.
No, you know what they take advantage of you from time to time and look how well you do it, yes, yes, oh, absolutely, I mean, they would be willing to be taken. advantage of occasionally, yeah, that's something that I, you know, I tell people all the time, you know, well, you know, I tried to help someone answer it like it's par for the course. I mean, what I try to do is align myself with people who are aligned with me and when I start to see misalignment even though I reach out even though I try and they just keep going like that, they keep complaining and that kind of thing it's like after from a point, like it's not a line, I mean, you just see the world differently than I do and stuff, but yeah, it's really good to have indicators from the beginning and to be able to know, because there are always signs that you know, yeah, it says yes. you would be here, what are you looking for if you can? sniff it and smoke it well in advance, yeah, now I'm dealing with people who want to kill someone when you said it interesting, like you talked about in the book and I've seen interviews with you and I've seen you. talk, I mean, you have a great talk at Google and where a lot of people, I mean even Gary, help, I would say you know the problem with dealing with terrorists is that they have nothing to lose, but from your sampling, they always do. have made. something and then you can Is there anyone you just can't negotiate with? you know, I would say or a situation if they are communicating with you we used to say always you always have influence if you are talking to me I have influence at all then we would have a problem with people who would not talk to us at all or we are going to sniff out from the beginning what they are trying to orchestrate and we would look for indicators that we just call them high risk indicators like if they are if they are where is this going if we are being deceived and then you just have to recognize that you are being deceived, but if you are talking to me then I have influence and even if you are trying to set a trap for us, if I can figure it out before we get to where you're going, I'll try to change the fate and some of them might refuse to talk or call you went out and we did this, we did it publicly, we started the Isis executions in 2012, when Jim Foley, Steven Sotloff, some of the others were killed, that was Al Qaeda 3.0, it's Al Qaeda in Iraq since 2004, they did the same thing as Abu Bakr al Baghdadi. an Al Qaeda lieutenant in Iraq in 2004 is our Cowie, I think it was the name of a guy in Iraq, they started the same thing and when we found out they were orchestrating assassinations we basically went public with it and changed the narrative from they were terrorists to they were criminals because a criminal will travel the world to become a terrorist and that's how they were recruiting but a criminal will not travel the world there will be a criminal I can be a criminal here why do I need to go to Iraq? we changed the narrative and what ended up happening in 2004, when we changed the narrative, we went from cutting off people's heads in the spring to Anna Falls, our Jiri, Al Qaeda at number two, actually issued an edict to stop killing people in front of the camera because It was bad for business, so I guess you can change extraordinarily violent people if by simply changing the way they bend their reality, you talk about bringing reality, so how do you do it?
What are some tools people can use to bend someone's reality? So the vast majority of decisions we make are based on how we calculate losses. Danny Kahneman won the Nobel Prize in Behavioral Economics. Perspective theory. Time and time again they said you missed twice as much stuff as an equivalent game, so if you accept that. that your vision and your view of the realism of the situation are doubled. I saw an interview that Danny Kahneman gave that said that's actually not true, it's not twice as much, it's more like five to seven times more. My partner Amos and I lowered the number is two because we wanted fewer arguments from our colleagues, so if I know that your view of the loss will distort your perception of reality five times, then all I have to do is figure out what loss you have. in the head and change it. for example, I could say do this and you'll experience a 20% increase in profitability or I can say don't change anything and you'll lose 20% year over year every day you don't change. and the second one is going to eat you up and you won't be able to get it out of your head and you know what keeps you up at night, mr.
CEO, it's kind of a loss. 70 percent of my decisions are made to avoid losses, which means you don't have to offer value, you have to start by figuring out what they see, their law says, what all this I did, this communication approach that I need to get. You're talking because I need to know what you think the loss is and how you see it and then I need to use the same set of tools to get you to see it differently in a process that the therapist would call guided discovery, but I'm looking for very specific things and it's because that we read only in the book we refer to it as tactical empathy we know someone asked me before about neuroscience we know a lot more about the way the brain really works thanks to neuroscience these days we know a lot more about empathy i.e. we are looking for very specific things.
If I start talking to you, the first thing I want to know is what you're worried about losing. What is a black swan? Your company is a black swan group. You know, black. swans, you write about it in thebook, it's the black swan, it's the unexpected little thing that's going to change everything, that's kind of a theoretical idea, now the real world ideas, there's a black swan and each of your deals, how many negotiations have you had? you got close if you didn't hide cards we don't have information you're not hiding something you don't want the other party to know almost everyone so number one you're not hiding unless you think it's important it matters so if you put it on the table probably it will change the negotiation you just don't feel safe doing it if it's true for you it's true for the other party now the hard thing to see is where is the overlap of those cards that no one shows that neither of you have any idea what's there , so they have to get to a point where they have a reputation for not hurting people so they can then show their cards too since there are things they are going to care about that they have. there's no way to know if it matters, you have to get them to talk, so uncovering lies isn't enough because you only lie about things you know are important and half the black swans you don't know are important, so you never are.
I'm going to give you a physical exam, you know? Do I look down when I hide? Do I look to the side when I'm high? I don't know what's important. I'm not going to give you a physical sign, so I also have to get people talking about the whole environment, like an unguarded stream and a quick example that an organization is trying to force me to do it. come and talk for free, which I'm not doing well, so what kind of electorate do you have? How many 300 people will be a regional association? We don't have money for trainers.
We could buy books. Okay, you can videotape it. I really need. video tape but then the killer was I said what kind of publication if you recover we don't have one there is a national publication actually what is the national publication God make you interview me we put it in the national publication they have to put things in their publication they got that twenty thousand people were immediately accessible to be put on the I'll come talk to you for free nationally it's like a course we have to put something on art in a magazine anyway that's how we support the regional association to get a speaker who come and charge them a bunch of money and he'll come and do it for free, yes we will if we hadn't had that extensive conversation about what they have access to.
I didn't know I wanted to be in someone's magazine, but it's access to people, so we had to keep talking because they had assets that they had no idea I would care about until we started talking, they taught us that. we have we have to ask questions to do what gather information you need to find information two-thirds of the time questions are not the best way to get information if I tell you what you have in mind, it would be a good opening a question we would ask Call that a question calibrated. All your questions should start with water.
If you ask calibrated questions, they are very deferential. There is great power and deference. When I am deferential to you, you are more likely to be honest with me because you feel great. and in charge there's a lot of emotional intelligence reasons why that works, but you're still going to give me a pretty guarded response that we just taught, so you're going to respond, but it's going to be guarded before we talk instead of saying what's on your mind. I mean it sounds like you've given us a lot of thought it sounds like there's something in your mind that's just a verbal observation we call it etiquette it's going to bypass your prefrontal cortex immediately it's going to reinvigorate what you're You were thinking about what brought us to the table and you're much more likely to give me a solid download of what's going on in your head, it's going to come off a lot more off guard, so rather than telling a CEO at some point, I would never say what keeps you up at night, Mr.
CEO because you are very tired, not that it is a bad question. The CEOs are sick and don't listen to you when you give the answer, but I could say that it seems like there's something you guys are really struggling with, you're probably much more likely to get out. with that, we're going to design in advance two or three things that will then end up being pretty much universal and will work in almost every scenario, my favorite, my son, someone calls him on the phone. -related, they say how are you today and you know what they said, it sounds like they have something on their mind and you get an almost immediate information download, that's great, you know how to spot a liar and what to look for for one of the things What we talk about is the Pinocchio effect, which means that the more words they use, the more they try to convince you.
A liar knows that he is lying, so he will talk a lot and read your body language. I am going to try very hard to convince you of one of the real problems: if I tell you the truth and you don't realize that I am telling you the truth, I will talk to you like you are an idiot and you will get offended and, consequently, you will call me liar, so a strong indicator of truthfulness is that people are more concise and the angrier they get with you, the more strongly it correlates with them telling the truth if I tell you something you don't believe.
Then I say, well, you're an idiot, I don't even have time for you. I'm probably telling the truth because I haven't taken the time to convince you, so extra words, convincing words, correlate very strongly with people lying, Bob. manukan wrote a book called beyond winning the first chapter is called the tension between empathy and assertiveness Bob dummies before the program on negotiation or Harvard. I tell a story about him at the beginning of the book. Bring a guy and I'm reading this. chapter and the title the tension between empathy and assertiveness I realize that the title is a red herring because it then argues that they are a necessary combination, that there is no temple but that empathy is required for assertiveness, so I want you to be emotionally intelligent assertive so that they make a great deal with you they will know what you need you have to assert your own interests never stop asserting your own interests just don't be an idiot when you do it right you know let him take responsibility for how Lance let him land in one emotionally intelligent way so that they can listen to it so that they hear what you want them to hear if it's an unempathetic statement what they hear is that you're an idiot and you're trying to hold them hostage and you're trying to pressure them, you're trying to make them lose, it's okay, and those are going to be assertive, but in a way that really builds a relationship because they appreciate the fact that you were frank, but he loves frank people, who doesn't love frank people and tells us the truth and of an emotionally intelligent way and that's the design?
Here's a trap I see many entrepreneurs fall into, myself included. If you become very effective at selling people or you become very effective at persuading and there are always ways to be much better, I mean, certainly a lot of times you can sell yourself into deals that you shouldn't even be in, you know, I mean, you go down. . getting clients you shouldn't have, yes, you're always at it, you know it and I know many, especially marketers, who get into these modes of presentation because they've studied a lot and I seem so persuasive that they can't help themselves themselves and then it all becomes a negotiation and an attempt to squeeze and part of this is like you know I have about six hours of interviews with Arianna Huffington when I was helping her launch your book thrive a few years ago and my line favorite.
From all she said was that you know the best way to complete a project is to leave it and you know, and there are some things in life that you just need to unravel, you need to negotiate with yourself to get out of the deal because So you're very good and you just you say no and you know how to do it in ways that are very effective, so the advice you would give just by knowing what not to get involved in, well, okay, so the question started with cutting ties. with someone, yes, dishonest, negative or lazy people and get them out of your life and because I think those are all negotiations, too you know, especially if they're related, it's a difficult job, you know, so the difficult part of empathy is what empathy.
It's their perspective, we're happy to have empathy with people we agree with, but anyone could do that, so you're going to cut ties with someone who doesn't want you to cut ties with them, what will their perspective be? ? and then inoculate it, go further because you can't plant negatives with observations, you only plant negatives with denials, so if I was going to cut off my relationship with you, my normal good instinct to try to soften it was that you Look, I don't want you to think that I'm an idiot, but we're not going to work together anymore, so that was bad because I denied the negative.
Now my smart move is to say, look, I'm going to look like an idiot. I don't deal with you anymore, it's that simple, you know how to articulate the negative just as an observation and maybe you even know I'm in, we do this all the time, you know I look, I'm going to look like an ungrateful jerk that I don't realize that your worth doesn't appreciate the amount of time you put into this and I'm going to look stupid and lazy. I don't want to deal with you anymore, what do you have left to pay me back?
You dont have anything. and you're going to think wow, he was very honest, your reaction to that, I mean, and that's the really difficult part of this, but this is one thing and we talk a little bit in the book, we refer to this as the audit of accusations. since we've been in a training, I mean, that's how we are, that's how we're shortening negotiations from 18 months to a week, we just aggressively defuse the negatives, I mean, extremely aggressive and it's making a big difference so that the negotiation. is to negotiate agree to separate, well, how are they going to react?
Let me get ahead of you, yeah, cool, cool, what should I have asked you and I didn't? Wow, I'll come back to something you asked me about, like how people get better, right? away, let the other side go first, you know, let the other side talk, don't be in a rush to state your case, there's a good chance you'll let the other side go first, there will be something in that mess that you love and then you It was brilliant and I think that's where I did it and it will work. Many things that seem really inefficient in the process are the reasons we are reducing our trading time.
The emotional intelligence approach is really indirect and it seems meandering and it seems like it's all over the place, but the reality is that it saves a lot of time in his book, he actually has a great term on the practice where he talks about what it's like. the end, it says that effectiveness increases the level of your preparation what yes, you don't fall, you know, you are not up to the task, you fall to your highest level of preparation, yes, you don't get up, repeat it, you are not you rise to the occasion, you fall to your highest level of readiness, yeah, part of bringing Chris here was having them all here.
Now it's your job to go, soak it up, and learn how people get your book. What training do you recommend people here take further? with what you've talked about and I become incredible at negotiating, when I need copies of the book, I buy it on Amazon. I get a cheaper price on Amazon and then I get it from our publisher, so we can all get easy-to-read books. on audio - oh yeah, that's right, we also have a trading newsletter that comes out once a week, it's a good price, it's free, yeah, well one of my federal government employees liked to say yes it's free , I'll take three, but it's a short An interesting article every week comes out on Tuesday morning and we also get a training announcement.
The newsletter will take you directly to the website. It is a gateway to everything we do. We have things that we publish for free and things that we charge a lot. of money, but there are things that we have for free and you can also let the newsletter include you and do things for free. You can subscribe via text. FBI empathy, all in one word, don't put a status, your autocorrect, put a space. between FBI empathy sent it to number two to eight to eight and it's 20 to 828 FBI empathy, all one word, you get a text box back, it'll check you in and when we're training, whatever, it'll be there. the best gateway to our stuff, okay, FBI empathy, all one word two two eight two eight two two eight two eight and Gina will also send it to everyone, but she probably she will write it or do it now.
The book is called Never Split the Difference. that means you know quite literally, you know the interesting thing about this is that the other side could be right, I can give you example after example after example, it's worth splitting the difference or compromising the dumbest idea on the planet. I mean, it's just stupid. but to really accept it, the other party may be right and if your ego gets in the way it will stop you from listening to what they have to say and accepting it, spending the difference half of what you want, half of what I want, you think I should. . wear brown shoes I think I should wear black shoes I wear a black one and a brown one I mean, it's just a I give you many examples of over and over dividing the difference ofcompromising just worked out badly and that's why someone asked me before said well all negotiations, everyone assumes it's a good deal, everyone is angry.
Sorry, that's dumb and then it's a net split in a difference. So have you found this useful? Awesome thanks.

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