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Mitch McConnell's "Screw The States" Plan Riles Lawmakers From Both Parties

May 01, 2020
Stephen: HELLO EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW". WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM. DO WE NEED TO CLEAN THE AREA? I DON'T BELIEVE IT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE IT. I CAN AND I AM OK WITH IT. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LAST NIGHT, I SPOKE ABOUT GOVERNORS WHO HAVE DECIDED TO REOPEN THEIR STATES AGAINST FEDERAL GUIDELINES, BUT ONE DAY LATER, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THE COOLER HEADS HAVE PREVAILED IN OUR NATION'S LEADERSHIP, BECAUSE THE CRAZY CLOWN STRAW IS CALLING FROM THEIR ANNUAL JUGGALOS FESTIVAL GATHERING.
mitch mcconnell s screw the states plan riles lawmakers from both parties
THEY HAVE ALSO OFFICIALLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO RATIONAL CLOWN POSSE. OF COURSE, THIS MOVE WILL DISAPPOINT I.C.P. FANS, KNOWN AS "JUGGALOS", SEEN HERE CONFUSING THEIR GRANDPARENTS. YESTERDAY CLOWN POSSE'S RECORD LABEL PSYCHOPATHIC RECORDS RELEASED A STATEMENT: "WITH THOUSANDS DEATHS DURING THE COVID-19 OUTBREAK, WE REFUSE TO RISK EVEN A JUGGALO'S LIFE BY HOSTING A GATHERING DURING THESE TROUBLED TIMES." SO THESE GUYS RESPECT SCIENCE MORE THAN THE GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA. MAKES SENSE. THEY HAVE ALWAYS WANTED EXPLANATIONS BASED ON HARD SCIENCE. WATER, FIRE, AIR AND DIRT. (BEEP) MAGNETS. HOW DO THEY WORK? STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHO I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE IN SCIENCE AS MUCH AS THE CRAZY CLOWN?
mitch mcconnell s screw the states plan riles lawmakers from both parties

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mitch mcconnell s screw the states plan riles lawmakers from both parties...

THE CRAZY CLOWN PRESIDENT. TURNS OUT THE DIRECTOR OF THE MAIN FEDERAL AGENCY SEEKING A CORONAVIRUS VACCINE WAS FIRED OVER HIS CONCERN ABOUT TRUMP'S THEORY OF CORONAVIRUS TREATMENT. DR. TRUMP IS CHARMING THE MEDICAL EXPERTS JUST BECAUSE THEY DISAGREE WITH HIS RANDOM NOTIONS OF HEALTH. YOU KNOW THAT ANY DAY FROM NOW THE NEW FOOD PYRAMID IS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS. THE OFFICIAL IN QUESTION IS FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE AN HUSKY ANDERSON COOPER ADVANCED BIOMEDICAL RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITY, DR. BRILLIANT RICK. TRUMP FIRED A GUY NAMED "DR. BRIGHT." HE ALSO FIRED PROFESSOR SMARTY, DR. SALVADOR AND SECRETARY "I HAVE THE CURE, DON'T SAY ME AWAY".
mitch mcconnell s screw the states plan riles lawmakers from both parties
Apparently behind the scenes, DR. BRIGHT OPPOSES THE CURE THAT TRUMP LIKES. WHAT WAS THAT NEW? CHLOROQUINE OR HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE. THE HYDROXY-CHLOROQUINE. THE CHLOROQUINE. THE HYDROXY-CHLOROQUINE. HYDROXY... CHLOR... CHLOROQUINE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? TAKE IT. I REALLY THINK THEY SHOULD TAKE IT. STEPHEN: IT'S THE MOST BOLD PRESIDENTIAL DRUG PROMOTION SINCE THE 1956 CAMPAIGN, "IKE LIKES COKE." TRUMP HAS BEEN PUSHING THIS EVEN THOUGH THERE HAS BEEN NO CONCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIONS. AFTER BEING FIRED, DR. BRIGHT SAID: "I believe this was in response to my insistence that the government spend the billions of dollars appropriated by Congress to address the COVID-19 pandemic on safe, scientifically vetted solutions, not on drugs, vaccines and other technologies that lack scientific knowledge".
mitch mcconnell s screw the states plan riles lawmakers from both parties
MERIT." (AS TRUMP) "HEY, LOOK, MY IDEAS ARE NOT LACK OF SCIENTIFIC MERIT. THEY LACK ANY MERIT. READY FOR ANOTHER? BOOF A LITTLE LISTERINE. CAN'T MAKE PAIN. I MEAN, IT HURTS. BUT THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S WORKING. "EVEN WITH DR. BRILLIANTLY GONE, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT WITHOUT ADVICE, BECAUSE TRUMP REGULARLY TELLS VISITORS TO THE OVAL OFFICE THAT HE IS IN CONTACT WITH DOCTORS IN NEW YORK, INCLUDING HIS OWN, WHO YOU WILL REMEMBER LOOKS LIKE SO." HI THERE! I AM DR. KOKY. MAYBE WE CAN CURE THE CORONAVIRUS WITH THESE LOOSE PILLS I FOUND IN THE CUP HOLDER OF MY CAMRY.
ONE OF THEM IS A GEL CAP. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING". POST" THAT "THERE IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT THE VIRUS ASSAULT ON OUR NATION NEXT WINTER WILL BE EVEN HARDER THAN THE ONE WE JUST PASSED." AND IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER HOW DIFFICULT THIS WINTER WAS, HAD TRUMP'S ACQUITMENT, THE FIRES AUSTRALIANS AND "CATS: THE MOVIE". REDFIELD SAID IT WOULD BE A HARD WINTER BECAUSE WE WOULD BE FIGHTING A FLU EPIDEMIC AND A CORONAVIRUS EPIDEMIC AT THE SAME TIME. AND REDFIELD ADDED THAT IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO EVERYONE. "WHEN I'VE SAID THIS TO OTHERS, I THROW MY HEAD BACK, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN." (AS REDFIELD) "YES... 'OTHERS' GOT VERY CONFUSED. 'OTHERS' STOPPED LISTENING TO ME, TURNED ON SOME CARTOONS AND I HAD TO SAY: "THIS IS IMPORTANT, CHAIRMAN OTHERS." OTHERS WERE NOT HAPPY WITH REDFIELD SAYING THIS TO THE "WASHINGTON POST" SO I CALL DR.
REDFIELD TO HIS DAILY PRESS MEETING, AND SAID THERE IS A SIMPLE EXPLANATION. THE DR. ROBERT REDFIELD WAS TOTALLY MISQUOTED IN THE MEDIA ABOUT HIS STATEMENT ON THE FALL SEASON AND THE VIRUS. COMPLETELY MIS-QUOTED. I TALKED TO HIM AND HE SAYS IT WAS RIDICULOUS. HE WAS MISQUOTED, COMPLETELY MISQUOTED. STEPHEN: OK, I THINK HE WAS COMPLETELY MISQUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST. I AM ACCURATELY QUOTED IN THE "WASHINGTON POST". STEPHEN: HERE IT IS. IT IS A CASE OF HE-SAID... YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID. REDFIELD TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT HE HAD BEEN RIGHT ALL THE TIME, BUT SO WAS TRUMP.
I THINK IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO EMPHASIZE WHAT I DIDN'T SAY I DID NOT SAY THIS WAS GOING TO BE "WORSE" I SAID IT'S GOING TO BE COMPLICATED-- OR MORE DIFFICULT. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS MORE IMPOSSIBLE. IT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOING TO BE MORE, AS SOME PEOPLE HAVE SAID, "WORSE", IT JUST MEANS HARDER. STEPHEN: HOW CAN SOMETHING MORE DIFFICULT NOT BE WORSE? "I DIDN'T SAY NINE WAS BIGGER THAN SEVEN. I JUST SAID IT WAS MORE NUMBER. IT'S A LOT ADDITIONAL." TRUMP WENT A STEP FURTHER AND SAID NEXT YEAR'S VIRUS WILL NOT BE WORSE. IT CANNOT BE A VIRUS AT ALL.
IF THE CROWN COMES BACK. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S GOING. IT WAS ESTIMATED HE MAY NOT COME BACK AT ALL, JIM. MAY NOT COME BACK AT ALL. I PERSONALLY HOPE HE DOESN'T COME BACK IN THE FALL. STEPHEN: WAIT? MR. PRESIDENT, HOPE IS NOT A PLAN. I HOPE YOU DON'T COME BACK IN THE FALL, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE NOT STOCKED... MEDICINES, IN CASE YOU DO. HMM. MASSIVE DOSES. HOWEVER, HEARING THAT THE VIRUS MAY NOT RETURN WAS COMFORTING... FOR A WHILE. WE WILL HAVE CORONAVIRUS IN THE FALL. I AM CONVINCED OF THAT. THERE WILL BE CORONAVIRUS IN THE FALL.
STEPHEN: SO WE BETTER PRAY THAT THE CORONAVIRUS IS CURED WITH PUMPKIN SPICES. BUT DO NOT THINK THE PRESIDENT DOES NOT VALUE THE EXPERIENCE. OH NO. WE JUST LEARNED THAT HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SECRETARY ALEX AZAR HAS REACHED OUT TO A FORMER DOG BREEDER TO LEAD THE GOVERNMENT'S “DAY-TO-DAY” RESPONSE TO CORONAVIRUS. OF COURSE. BUT WHY NOT DELETE THE MIDDLEMAN AND NAME A DOG? MY DOG BENNY IS AVAILABLE. COME ON, UP, UP, UP! There you go! There you go! WATCH? TECHNICALLY, HE IS ALSO A DOG BREEDER. DO YOU WANT TURKEY? THERE IT GOES. BENNY, UP, UP, UP! THERE IT GOES.
SAY GREETINGS TO THE PEOPLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ON HOW TO FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS? WHAT IS THAT? GIVE YOU MORE TURKEY? I DON'T SEE HOW THAT WOULD HELP, BUT AS A GREAT MAN SAID... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? ( MAKING ATTENTION SOUNDS ) UP HERE. THAT'S HOW IT IS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE HEAD OF INFECTIOUS DISEASES. THAT'S HOW IT IS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE HEAD OF THE N.I.H. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT! BYE, NO MORE TURKEY! IT'S GOING STRAIGHT IN MY THROAT. THE DOG BREEDER IN CHARGE OF KEEPING YOU ALIVE IS BRIAN HARRISON, AND UNTIL 2018 HE RUN A COMPANY CALLED "DALLAS LABRADOODS".
NOW WE KNOW WHO CROSSED TRUMP'S HAIR. TRUMP HAS RECEIVED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR HOW HE HAS HANDLED THE CRISIS, BUT YESTERDAY HE PRESENTED A NEW PLAN TO FIX IT ALL. I'M THRILLED TO ANNOUNCE THAT IN THE COMING WEEKS, THE INCREDIBLE AIR FORCE THUNDERBIRDS AND THE EQUALLY INCREDIBLE BLUE NAVY ANGELS WILL BE PERFORMING AIR SHOWS OVER AMERICA'S MAJOR CITIES AND SOME NON-MAJOR CITIES. WE ARE PAYING TRIBUTE TO OUR FRONTLINE HEALTHCARE WORKERS FACING COVID. Esteban: SO IT IS. YOU ARE FIGHTING A RESPIRATORY VIRUS WITH OUR MILITIES. LIKE IN THE TOM CRUISE CLASSIC, "TOP LUNG". BUT THE OVERFLIGHT OF AN AIRPLANE IS NOT JUST FUN AND PLAY: THEY ARE GOING TO DO A LOT OF WORK, A LOT OF DANGEROUS FLYING.
IT'S DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW THE ODDS WHEN YOU START GOING AT MASS SPEEDS AND ARE 18 INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. STEPHEN: 18 INCHES? THAT'S DANGEROUS. THOSE AIRCRAFT MUST FLY AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY. AND YOU CANNOT GO OUT TO SEE IT. TO AVOID ATTRACTING CROWDS, AIRPLANES WILL AVOID OVERFLYING AREAS WHERE PEOPLE MAY CONGREGATE. THEREFORE, YOU WILL ONLY GET TO HEAR THEM ROAR OVER YOUR HEAD. IN ALL A BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE: TO GIVE BRIEFLY TO EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN THE SENSE OF WHAT IT IS TO LIVE NEAR LAGUARDIA. DURING THE PANDEMIC, CONGRESS HAS BEEN APPROVING MONEY FOR FIGHTING STATES. BUT ALL OF THAT COULD END SOON, THANKS TO SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND PROFILE IN PORRIDGE, MITCH MCCONNELL.
YESTERDAY, MCCONNELL SAID THAT INSTEAD OF GETTING MORE MONEY FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, STATES SHOULD CONSIDER BANKRUPTCY. BANKRUPTCY? REALLY? THEY ARE AMERICAN STATES, NOT TRUMP CASINOS. UNSURPRISINGLY, MCCONNELL'S "FUCK THE STATES" PLAN IS NOT VERY POPULAR IN THE STATES. NOT EVEN AMONG CONSERVATIVES. LAST NIGHT NEW YORK REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN PETER KING tweeted that defunding "police, fire, and healthcare workers MAKES MCCONNELL THE MARIA ANTOINETTE OF THE SENATE." A POWERFUL IMAGE. WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? I'VE SEEN TOO MUCH. I MUST WIPE MY EYES. HEY, I'M SO EXCITED FOR MY GUEST FOR TONIGHT, MILLIONAIRE PHILANTHROPIST AND VELMA FROM "SCOOBY DOO", BILL GATES.
GATES WARNED THE WORLD THAT WE ARE NOT PREPARED FOR A PANDEMIC IN A TED TALK IN MARCH 2015. NOTE THAT DESPITE HIS TERRIBLE PREDICTION, HE IS WEARING A CHEERFUL PINK SWEATER. THE WORSE THE NEWS, THE HAPPIER YOUR GROUP. TONIGHT, I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT DRESSED LIKE TELETUBBY. TONIGHT WE HAVE "A SHOW" FOR YOU. I WILL BE TALKING TO BILL GATES. TO STAY. HERE ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS. THEN THEY WERE JOINED BY "HOMELAND" STARS, CLAIRE DANES AND MANDY PATINKIN, TO TALK ABOUT THE SERIES FINALE THIS SUNDAY. TO STAY. ♪ ♪

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