Miss America Pageant: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Last Sunday this past Sunday saw one of the strangest annual events on television once again take place, get ready for the lip gloss, spray tan, blood, sweat and sequins, beautiful and just a reminder for those of you at home, the year is 2014 and I am a fully dressed man standing in front of a row of women in swimsuits waiting for trials beautiful yes

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Sunday was the Miss America

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and through it all the swimsuit numbers dance the inexplicable ventriloquism was it was very hard not to think how this is still Beauty contests haven't really made sense since a time when people talked like this: girls, girls, girls, all lovely and talented, of almost every kind. states of the Union, including Alaska, and you know why they mention that, because Alaska had just become a state. then in fact at first it made sense to have a contest with criteria like this, the first few years there was a literal breakdown five points for the head construction five points for the limbs three points for the torso two points for the lake three points for the torso i think even back then that was code hey i met this great lady look she has a great torso c30 wade torso you should know her house the construction of our head is ridiculous it's ridiculous but the only time contests beauty What's relevant today is that every time someone sends you a link to something like this, I think our education in South Africa and Iraq everywhere and I think our education here in the US should help the The US or should help South Africa and should help Iraq in Asian countries now, to be fair, the question they asked was: can you make a knock-off dictionary in a washing machine? she nailed that she nailed that it's easy to make fun of the contest contestants but what's really crazier is that they sometimes give stupid answers or are almost always asked ridiculously complex questions.

Government tracking of phone records has been in the news lately. Is this an invasion of privacy or is it necessary to keep our country safe? Why or why not? people who leak classified documents in the name of public information will be charged with treason in recent

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s the United States has released five Guantánamo detainees in exchange for a US soldier held captive in Afghanistan US policy is to leave no soldier behind you believes that it is fair to sacrifice or exchange lives to maintain this policy. I totally agree with the guy behind it because I sincerely doubt the complexities of the hostage exchanges are going to be resolved by a 21-year-old PR expert and the star of Sharknado

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Real question The savagery of ISIS's threat to our security was demonstrated by the gruesome videos of two journalists and an aid worker being beheaded. What should be our country's response? That's right, one of the contestants was asked to solve Isis and she only had 20 seconds to do it, how did she do it? It's an absolute outrage and something definitely needs to be done, but I don't think the United States should be the only one doing it. I really think it is important for the world that the UN comes together and decides. What is the best thing we can do to truly come together as a larger, more impactful force to put an end to this big, horrible thing that is happening?

That's a much better answer than I could have given. It is an almost better answer than the one the president gave. Lastly, in fact, many of last Sunday's contestants were truly impressive and the Miss America Pageant would say it's because they are a classier organization than their competitors, which frankly isn't hard. Miss America, for example, is owned by Donald Trump, a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy, but she's pretty blunt about his criteria for, well, obviously, she's a great exterior beauty. I mean, we could say politically correct that looks don't matter, but looks obviously matter, like you wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful.

The Miss USA beauty

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is overseen by one of the ugliest souls on the planet. Miss America is supposed to be different from everything Miss America is about more than just looks. This is a scholarship that Miss America funds for scholars. It is the largest scholarship program. In the world of women it is easy to think that this is just a beauty pageant, but this is a scholarship pageant. Miss America is right, you need to see them in swimsuits because, as we all know, the intelligence part of the brain is located somewhere in the brain. in fact, the upper thigh Miss America negotiates so much with her scholarship claims if you take out the Miss America headquarters this is what you hear thank you for calling the Miss America Organization the largest women's scholarship provider in the world okay, that's suspiciously defensive from the start door that's like Walter White saying hello and welcome to this regular car wash that's definitely not laundering money for my math lab welcome welcome if it's really true that Miss America is the largest provider of scholarships for women of the world that is a little strange because Miss America does not offer scholarships to all women, only those who compete in their pageants, so to qualify for a scholarship you will have to certify not only that you have never been married but also that you are not pregnant and you have never been.

Of course, it makes sense. Miss America is supposed to be a role model for children, how can she be if she has a child by her side who constantly looks up to her and those are just the official rules you have to follow if you want one If you have a chance to win one of your scholarships, you'll also need access to a can of this stuff, but stick an essential spray adhesive to keep your bikini bottom on, just think about that for a second. Oh, how was the scholarship interview? well my butt is still sticky, I think I got it, not only does it say it's the largest scholarship organization, it backs it up with numbers, we are the largest scholarship program for young women in the country, but they get to available forty-five million dollars annually, forty-five. five million which is an incredible amount of money as I literally didn't believe it was the kind of number that can get stuck in your head and vibrate there for days, driving you crazy and wishing, for example, that there was a way to find out more information Learn more at Miss America Foundation.org and that's where all this madness started.

We went to their website and to be honest, it wasn't a great sign, but their About Us page says that we fund academics that you might want. You might want to stick a D at the end of that word, but while digging around on their site, we learned that Miss America and her foundation are registered nonprofits, which means they have to file public tax forms. We were looking for was that crazy figure of forty-five million dollars, what we found instead was that in 2012 nationally they spent less than $500,000 on cash scholarships, leaving us just forty-four and a half million dollars less than what they say that they provide and At this point, we really had a clear choice, we could have thought that the numbers don't really add up, but it's only Miss America who really gives one or we could try to pull the tax forms from every state level competition in the country. .

Because this was starting to drive us crazy, it's been a strange

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, we received 990 forms from 33 states and tried to contact everyone else, but even making the most generous guesses for every state and local contest we didn't get, we couldn't match them . about 4 million dollars when you remember they are going up VIX 45 million dollars available annually at this point we were too deep so we just called Miss America, which is when we first heard this thank you for calling: the Miss America Organization, the largest in the world. scholarship provider for women and it turns out the key word is provider, some schools offer scholarships directly to pageant contestants and the trick is that Miss America counts them all, not just the ones they can physically take, so of course For example, Miss Pennsylvania's website says it offers scholarship winners to these four colleges and the value of each scholarship is counted together even though she will clearly attend at most one because she won't be attending four colleges, not James Franco will also

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Alabama in his 2012, ultimately saying it provided nearly $2.6 million in scholarships to just one school, Troy University, which blew my mind because, if that's true, it must be the nicest school in across the United States, but when we contacted Detroit, it turns out that the contest arrived at that $2.6 million by multiplying the value of a single scholarship by 48 the number of competitors who could theoretically accept it even though the actual number of contestants who accepted a scholarship that year was and you're not going to believe this absolute zero, meaning that the difference between the money they provided and the money they awarded was all the money they provided and at this point we had to stop because it was 35 minutes ago and We had to take this show, but it seems two things are true: A Miss America gives in. less than 45 million dollars in scholarships and yet two, whatever the number, one thing seems to be disturbingly true: the Miss America Organization is actually the largest provider of scholarships for women in the world, yes, because even its lowest number is greater than any other. scholarship for women only that we were able to find more than the Society of Women Engineers whose website is here more than the Patsy Mink Foundation here and more than the Jeanette Rankin Women's Scholarship Fund here which you can donate to if you want to change the fact that Currently, the largest scholarship program exclusively for women in the United States requires that you be unmarried and have a perfectly good uterus and also rewards working knowledge of butt adhesive technology, which is a little disturbing and, In fact, let me try to explain why to Miss America.

Organization through the only medium that seems to value 20-second conversations with women in evening dresses and sashes. Join me

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. I am proud to say that as of now we are the largest provider of scholarships for women in the world because

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400 million $1 scholarships will be donated. will be available to the winner, of whom she will be able to choose only one, so let's ask our first contestant question number one about the first contestant's glow, uh, what does the continued existence of the Miss America Pageant say about how Miss America is viewed? women in the United States?

You're 20 The seconds begin with the Seneca Falls convention in 1848 that fueled the first wave of feminism. The perception of women in America has always been complex and fluid, although it is theoretically possible that Miss America could evolve into a purely academic academic organization at this time. That beauty pageants are about anything other than outer beauty is belied both by the continued existence of the swimsuit part and by the fact that you are expected to answer this question in just 20 seconds, thank you very much musical and Now please welcome our final contender,

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. Kathy Griffin, Miss Cathy, will wonder when she will provide access to scholarships.

Is there any place to judge a woman's body? Oh, I don't have a problem with that. Wait, not really, there's no problem at all, as long as men are subjected to the same degrading process. I'll show you what I mean, she's happy to be out here, what exactly are you doing? Well, I'm judging you as a host alongside him, okay John, walk down that runway, give us a spinner look, that's only 20% of your total score now. I'm giving this one to Giuseppe because he, frankly, gains muscle mass in his legs and, of course, in hat construction.

OK OK. I understand your points. No, let me explain why I gave you a lower score. I look at yours, Eppie, and I want to have sex with it I look at you and I want to have sex with Giuseppe I'm a good person Kathy you know what I call him Giuseppe win buttons are Oh