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"Meine Schwester hat Depressionen" - Angehörige zwischen Liebe und Hilflosigkeit | WDR Doku

May 05, 2020
When Nils Rücker is plagued by dark thoughts, he gets on his bicycle: for as long as he can remember, the insidious disease of depression has hung over his family like a black cloud. His mother fell ill when Nils was 3 years old. This still influences his life today, 40 years later. Speed ​​definitely makes you feel happy. When you reach 50 or 55, you can be happy or afraid. The best thing you can do is choose happiness. You can dose it very well. On the one hand, I can really vent and let out my anger when I need to. On the other hand, I can also enjoy cycling.
meine schwester hat depressionen   angeh rige zwischen liebe und hilflosigkeit wdr doku
Anyway, performance is a big issue for me. Even as a child I received a lot of recognition for my achievements. But little care and affection. That gives shape. Today, the 43-year-old is a history professor and has a Ph.D. But as a child he was insecure. His parents didn't trust him to do anything. His mother's depression was never discussed openly. This has always been a family secret. There was a time when my mother wasn't there. That was almost a year when she was in the psychiatric ward. And they always told me that until I was, I would say until I was 10, your mother was very sick.
meine schwester hat depressionen   angeh rige zwischen liebe und hilflosigkeit wdr doku

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meine schwester hat depressionen angeh rige zwischen liebe und hilflosigkeit wdr doku...

But I still didn't know what was really going on. Above all, this distancing that was often inexplicable to me as a child. That was a difficult point when you notice someone is withdrawing. But you don't know what's happening. I also didn't know my mother's physical affection. I also noticed that she herself was missing that, but that it was something she couldn't give me. I was forced to take on roles that were too big for me, five sizes too big. Social worker Katharina Mihm participates in a telephone consultation in Cologne. Family members of people with mental illness can call here if they need to. *Phone rings* Tips and measures Colonia, Katharina Mihm, what can I do for you?
meine schwester hat depressionen   angeh rige zwischen liebe und hilflosigkeit wdr doku
I have time for you, no problem. Who is it about? Family members of people with mental illness are often embarrassed to ask for help for themselves. When they call, they are usually very desperate. Katharina can relate to this. Her own sister suffers from depression. Oh yeah, she's fine. Katharina has to try to find the right words. Yes, you just reach your limits when you are so selfless for your family members all the time. Maybe it's a good way to retire. It's also self-protection somewhere. Afterwards, you may find that you are even more psychologically stressed when you put yourself under all the stress and are only for your parents all the time.
meine schwester hat depressionen   angeh rige zwischen liebe und hilflosigkeit wdr doku
The most important thing is to be attentive. We use our experience to say that we ourselves are relatives, so we can also advise relatives. This is usually the case, you also notice it in the discussion groups, you also notice it personally in the telephone consultation. Although each story is individual, there are parallels. Katharina's older sister has been suffering from depression for years. A failed relationship pulled the rug out from under her feet. Katharina was always there to help her sister when she asked for help. Until the sacrifice. Her own life took a backseat. But even if she gave her all, she found that her sister's condition did not improve.
This helplessness bothers her. I'm definitely angry too. Sometimes I'm sad about that too. I also have the feeling that I'm afraid of losing her. Especially an illness like depression can sometimes lead to suicidal tendencies. Or at least suicidal thoughts. Then there is also the fear of not having the other person by your side at some point. Sometimes I sit at home and cry about it. I think it's also okay to let your feelings out, whether it's because of some things, because I'm sad or because I'm scared about them, or because I'm angry about some things. *Music* In 2009, German national goalkeeper Robert Enke committed suicide.
The Robert Enke Foundation, near Hannover, remembers the popular goalkeeper in its rooms. Robert Enke had to repeatedly struggle with severe depressive episodes, which he hid from the public and his colleagues. Finally the disease defeated him. *Music* Teresa Enke always supported Robert Enke's severe depression. In 2006, the couple had to face a terrible blow of fate: their daughter Lara, who was born with a heart defect, died at only 2 years old. The suicide of the goalkeeper's idol worried people. He was their hero. For many people, being a high flyer and being depressed did not go together. The day after her husband's death, Teresa Enke found the courage to speak publicly for the first time about her illness.
If he was very depressed, then it was a difficult time. That's clear because she also lacked drive. The hope of an improvement soon, because it was also difficult not to make the whole thing public. Because it was her express desire, for fear of losing her sport, our personal life and everything. Which, of course, in retrospect... ...is crazy. The Depression wasn't easy, but we got through it together. And I got a lot of hope about what we can do. Even after Lara died, it brought us together so much that we thought we could do anything. We also thought it would be possible with love, but it can't always be achieved. * Music * Even 10 years after Robert Enke's death, Teresa Enke continues to return to Portugal.
In the house where they spent the happiest moment of their lives together. Come here. Robert and Teresa were young and earning money. He was the famous goalkeeper hero of Benfica Lisbon. The recognition was good for him, the couple enjoyed the southern heat. Teresa was able to experience her love for animals. She took in a group of abandoned stray dogs. The 43-year-old has now built a new life. But Robert's memories are still present. "The last hours before death." "The former Benfica goalkeeper left his wife a farewell letter." Of course it's a little rough. That seems more significant to me. "The disease that killed Robert Enke".
So Robert Enke didn't commit suicide, I think that's very important, but the disease killed him. Just as cancer kills patients, so does the disease. That's why I identify better with this than with this sensational presentation. Teresa Enke knows what it is like to live with a depressed person. The constant pressure of professional football has not ceased in her private life. Robert's fear of failure on the field also weighed on Teresa. Soon she was able to clearly recognize the signs of impending depression. It was difficult when I realized that. You can already see that this happens a little bit gradually.
When he tilts his head, which is what I've always been afraid of. So of course you try to counter it. Through distraction, through talking. Of course you were sensitive, even as a relative. Many things were immediately overrated. Sometimes it's just that you had a bad day. But fear was also inside me. Could you start over now? My life was no longer what it could have been. In this case you no longer have a husband. You don't have a friend anymore either. Of course, this fear of him slipping was also deep inside me. When he was a child, Nils Rücker took refuge in fantasy worlds.
He made up stories in which he was the hero. The reality of having a depressed mother was unbearable. Her illness prevented him from giving her what every child needs. Love. This is my mother Cristina. Of course I know what my mother's childhood story was like. And what trauma she endured. Still, I have the right to be sad and angry. But especially with the angry ones... You realize when I talk about that. A psychologist in rehab once told me that here you are talking as if nothing had happened. Don't you sometimes feel like hitting something? And all I can say is yes, but I can't.
Then I just have to bike. Anger is a topic that I find very difficult to express. Maybe because you were taught that being angry is stupid. I can't be angry because my mother was sick. Don't be sad either, then I will make my mother sad. That's not good either. I'm learning this very, very, very slowly. So it works. Nils experienced his mother's depression as a nightmare. Today, this 43-year-old man suffers from depression again and again. For his partner Adina, daily life with two children is a great challenge. (Adina) What I find difficult is not everyday life when things are going well.
What I find difficult are crisis situations or situations where pressure is added. Where I am under pressure and I think I have to rely on this or that point. Let Nils take charge. And then he breaks away. And then we both swam. He is swimming because he has a guilty conscience because he knows he should be running now. And I'm totally swimming because I'm doubly overwhelmed. That seems the most difficult to me. You never know, what will happen tomorrow, what will happen next week? When Katharina Mihm's sister felt unwell, she called Katharina. She immediately went towards her, no matter what she was doing.
She neglected her interests, her friends, her relationships. The question of the right balance between closeness and distance runs through Katharina Mihm's entire life. Does she have to get in the car when her depressed sister calls at night? She faces very similar challenges in her work. The 24-year-old works at an emergency shelter for homeless drug addicts. This is one of the 3 bedrooms we have. We have space for 10 guests. If there is still space, you can arrive here and spend the night until 10:30 p.m. When Katharina works the night shift, she also sleeps in the accommodation. Greater proximity to people in need is not possible.
The desire to help others is deeply rooted in her. You have to learn not to let some things get too close to you. This is easier said than done. But I think otherwise you will get lost, especially in social work. If you take all your stuff home and keep it busy forever, you're more likely to feel bad at work than good. It's a completely different thing when it affects you personally and things take you even more personally because what matters to you is the family member. It is definitely a difficult task to pass up. You cannot take the burden off your shoulders or say: give me the disease.
Sometimes, as a family member, you just stand still and have to watch, and that hurts a lot. If family members experience an emotional shock in their loved ones, there is a risk that they themselves will become trapped in negative thoughts. So everyday life can hardly be planned. Many family members develop feelings of guilt because they cannot help the sick better. Nobody is prepared for a situation like this. There were also these points where I said: I can't be a therapist either. It was also the case that I felt like the only one responsible. Which, of course, I enjoyed doing, but it shouldn't be a wife's job.
But since Robby wanted to keep it a secret, we had no choice. His love for his dogs helped Teresa and Robert get through difficult times. Especially when Robert was depressed, they had a common task that united them. I remember when Lara died and we were sitting in church. Then you should thank God for something. Robby said he would thank God we have so many dogs because we have to keep going. At that time we came from the hospital. The first thing we did was walk the dogs. What a surreal situation. We walked the dogs and our son just died.
But that was important to stay in life. That was important even after Robby died. Of course I also had Leila. But she had to set me on my way, she had to take care of me. This responsibility can be very stressful in certain situations, but it can also help. When he was a child, Nils Rücker felt helpless in the face of the anger and coldness of his sick mother. He wants to understand what happened back then. Also to express the feelings of his own depression. I'm just thinking about that, the anger thing. I was supposed to paint my own anger, but I couldn't do it at the time.
It's like a physical pain. This really makes you feel totally fragile. And basically everything hurts and your skin burns. And you feel that every stimulus that comes from outside makes it worse. The other is the internal one. There are so many thoughts that torment you that you cannot face. The unpleasant thing is that it just doesn't stop. When you feel like you have it under control, after an hour or two you see a certain book or something and quickly go back to it. And then the fire of thought, let's call it that, is rekindled. This is... ...very distressing.
You sit there and think I should stop. I don't want this, I don't want this situation. The painting brings me back to the action. Anything that gets me back into action is good. At the premises of the “Rat und Tat” association in Cologne, Susanne Heim prepares for the weekly self-help group. Here relatives of people with mental illnesses meet other relatives. Although the illnesses of family members differ, everyone knows the feeling of helplessness. This happened to me a year and a day ago. I came into the group hoping, first, to get a patented prescription on how to get my son to the doctor.
And second, I do it for him. Having to admit at some point that no, I'm doing it for myself because I can't take it anymore. We always say: love your neighbor. And forget about the second half of the phrase "as yourself." In reality it should be the other way around: love yourself so you can love your neighbor. Selfishness has a very negative connotation for us. Basically,without that it doesn't work at all. No plant would survive if it were not selfish. Egoism means that I take care of myself so that I feel reasonably good and can get along well in life.
There are numerous offers of help available to those who are sick. You can go to the doctor, therapist or clinic. But who should family members turn to? The obstacle to seeking help for yourself is enormous. In fact, the most difficult thing is yet to come. And overcome the feeling that I am betraying my sick family member. *Music* Many times we have that, that people have to get over it first. Then we try to make it clear that you are not coming for your sick family member, but for yourself because you want help. This is what many people hear for the first time: that they still have rights in life. *Music* My son was in the hospital, depressed and also having suicidal thoughts.
And he basically finished his studies and he was supposed to turn in his paper in May, but he didn't. He always said he would write them, but he didn't. Then his house of cards collapsed and he got himself admitted. When he was at my house, I noticed this uncertainty about what to do. That's why I came to the group here. And I have to say it's also good because you realize that you're not alone in all of this, it all comes down a little bit. You can do things you weren't taught that way. It's more of a functional thing you get.
Now you realize that if you want to survive, you have to take other paths. It's good that you do that too. That is the point. If I stay silent and say I need this, then we will be on equal terms. You don't want to stay still, you want to move forward. And with you? (Woman) Now it was my son's birthday. We spent the whole afternoon there like a normal family. I still felt sad from time to time when I saw him sit down and slump for a moment. Then I realized how helpless or helpless I am.
I'm finding it very difficult right now. So, this is your... (woman) Yes. It's not that you feel like he feels helpless over the situation. (Woman) I don't know, I also have the feeling that I lost my son with the disease and now I have another son that I have to meet first. Yes, but he's still who he used to be. He is both. He just doesn't dress the other one. Or it didn't seem that way. He is not a completely different one. (Susanne) That's the big problem we all have. I can do that? Am I a bad person then?
Boiled down to the real problem, we all have the same problems. Who is responsible for what? *Music* When Katharina Mihm's worries go to her head, she is drawn to the tartan track. She spent a lot of time there when she was a child. She has fond memories of competition and camaraderie with friends. For me, running completely clears my head. This doesn't make my worries any less, but at least I can put them aside for a moment. At home, her parents' attention was often focused on Katharina's sick sister. She hardly found anyone willing to listen to her own concerns.
Her sister's illness darkened everything. Katharina moved to Cologne to study. An important step. She now practices keeping a healthy distance from her sister, but she doesn't find it easy. Just because I distance myself from her doesn't mean I no longer want to have anything to do with her. Or that I'm not there for them. Distance doesn't mean something negative like: Leave me alone, I feel bad about that too. I still want to be there for them and continue to support them. That is also very important to me, it is also family. Whether you like it or not, you are always connected to your family. *Music* A mental illness in children, parents or partners disrupts your own life plans.
Many family members face a dilemma. How much of your own life are you willing to give up to dedicate yourself to the suffering of your loved ones? Can you be happy when your partner feels bad? When has it reached the point where you can't do it anymore? *Music* Where is the dog? She eats the peach. Emma! (Emmy barks) Oh, there. Emmy, come here. Good. Come here. Teresa Enke's own desire for a happy relationship led to internal conflict. During the difficult phases of Robert's depression, she found it difficult to have access to her husband. It was difficult to find the right response to the gloomy mood.
What you should not do under any circumstances is say: get well. Everything will be fine, we'll have a beer together and then everything will get better. That's the phrase (I also have a lot of contact with people who have problems) that makes most people feel sad, angry and helpless. That is the worst phrase. You must take your partner, your friend seriously, talk to them about it, don't panic, tell them that I am there to help you and offer them help. But don't dismiss it and say everything will be fine again. It is very difficult. Robby once told me that if you were in my head for a few seconds you would have an idea.
Even I can't say today exactly how it must have felt, how black those thoughts must have been. It must have been horror. When an illness causes a person to commit suicide, you realize the power the illness has. It's probably a good thing that I can't feel such deep empathy. Because I believe that to be in this field you have to be sick yourself. As a child, Nils Rücker felt abandoned by her mother and at the same time was very worried about her. An emotional balancing act that completely overwhelmed him. Even if the father of the family suffers repeatedly from the illness, he, unlike his parents, does not want to have to hide.
He writes about his depression on a blog. (Nils) For me personally it was important to say that he was opening up to me. Also to take the pressure off. Otherwise, I run like I have a cape over my head and think: I hope no one sees me. And what do the neighbors think? Because this accusation came that you had to slowly recover and make sure you and your family got out, it can't go on like this. Then I thought, you have no idea what you're talking about. Maybe just shut up if you have no idea. So I thought, okay, that's the way it is, how are people supposed to know what it's really about if no one tells them?
And I already have 15 followers. (Adina) That is also the difficulty. That we hesitate to communicate with Nils because we are afraid of hurting the other person. You know that you have to talk openly with each other. But it is very difficult to do that. And many times there is consideration on both sides and this does not represent any progress. But it's hard to find the openness and have someone tell you what to do, or what you both have to do. Which I found very useful; In retrospect, I would say we waited too long. I attended Nils' therapy several times at regular intervals.
Where exactly do we talk about that. I think we should have done this much sooner. *Music* (Teresa) I'm in the tunnel. Dark. Scary. Very intimidating. You want to get out of the tunnel again. The voice is still relatively quiet, I would turn it up louder to make it more forceful. To show the symptoms and the big picture of this disease, depression, we decided to immerse ourselves in 2 worlds for the VR application. One is the world in competitive sports and depression in competitive sports. The other is depression as a generalized disease. (Teresa) It looks very elegant and shiny.
This is not the normal feeling of a depressed person, a room flooded with light. We would like to convey the mood in another way. Exactly, I just printed it as a room print. We are currently working on changing the lighting environment and making everything a little darker. Teresa Enke launched the “Depression Printing” project with the Robert Enke Foundation, which she founded. With the help of virtual reality technology, family members should be able to imagine what a depressed person's head would look like. Teresa's personal experiences with her husband are incorporated into the project's design. Of course, I always tried to put myself in their shoes.
And saying: Why can't you get up? Why can't you laugh? Why can't we just go out and walk the dogs? She then said that it's like being in a black tunnel. You look and everything is black. If you're lucky, there's a little light on the back. That's how you can imagine it. It is getting tighter and tighter and he is afraid that at some point it will get dark. I think the tunnel is what many depressives describe. This helpless thing, it has no way out. * Music * You feel happy when you go through a tunnel and little by little it lights up again.
For a depressed person, nothing lights up. *Music* (Nils) It is definitely a great miracle in the landscape. The first time I was here I was really shocked. I don't want to wait for my soul to look like this. I don't think that's so nice. But overexploitation definitely fits. Especially what I've done in the last few years, the last 10 years, it was too much. Then I tore and dug. At some point exhaustion came. From one day to the next nothing happened. Zero, nothing at all. That was horrible. Because that was a condition I didn't know about. * Music * With the help of a therapist, Nils Rücker gradually finds access to the world of his childhood.
As he begins to understand what happened to him when he was a child, his condition improves. A great desire is to be a loving and attentive father with one's own children. (Adina) Everyday life, when it is going on, we are well coordinated. Now it is much better that we can plan much longer term. Now we say we are planning a move in 3 months. That, I would say, was unthinkable a year ago. Her husband's mental illness left deep wounds in Teresa Enke. But the tomb of Robert Enke and his daughter Lara is gradually losing power. After a long time, Teresa manages to look forward again.
Looking to the future is very important. For me it is always something special to be here. But not as it was at the beginning. At first I looked around the tomb. Also to Lara. I put up a Christmas tree. I decorated it for Easter. Of course that has changed, life goes on. The grave is no longer the most important place to think about Robby. Whenever I'm here, I sit across from him in disbelief. When I read the two names and I think it's crazy. I'd rather be anywhere else and think about her than here. *Music* Nils and Adina bought a house in the neighborhood.
After many doubts, Nils dared to undertake the enormous project. His life is stabilizing little by little, and with it that of his family. What his mother couldn't do, he can do. Facing your depression. Sometimes I really can't believe it. Then sometimes there is this feeling of confidence and, actually, everything is not so bad. The carefully formulated “it will happen” feeling. *Music* 7 years after Robert Enke's death, Teresa Enke remarried. She also likes to come to Portugal with her new family. Time with Robert will always be a part of her life. That is an indescribable feeling for me.
A lot of warmth arises in me. This was a place where Robby also found peace. When I'm here, situations come to mind. Death takes a person from you, but no one can take away your memories, no matter how trite it may seem. They come out strong in times like this. * Music * Between Cologne and Katharina's sister's house there are about 100 km. They talk a lot on the phone, but Katharina no longer runs away when her sister raises the alarm. She will soon complete her master's degree. Despite all the worries for her sister. She managed to build her own life.
I am currently in a phase where I am taking very good care of myself. But that doesn't mean that just because you're pretty good at it right now doesn't mean you can't get back to it very quickly and have too much to do. I have to take good care of myself, I think it is very important that it is a process that never ends. Copyright WDR 2020

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