Losing a Best Friend

this is my idea they're both taking care of dad Grayson you always look at your dad with adoring eyes he does Ethan what's it Ethan come on good tackle oh well there's something in a year how about what could be a fluff hey your gift Not sitting in the room of my dad at the hospital bedside who said goodbye to us it's sunday january 20, 2009 teen the day after my

best

friend

passed away i don't know how he did it going on every day knowing that the next his condition may to be worse and therefore keeping a positive attitude and in the hardest times he showed no fear such a selfless man he knew if he was where his family would be he protected his family at all costs and I know he will continue to do so forever my father was approaching his last days i said i'm sorry dad i don't know how you do it i couldn't bear half of what you're going through right now my dad i replied yes you would easily.

The man who admired you believed in me as much as I believed in him. The trust he showed in me gave me the strength that he will live with me forever. I no longer wonder what would happen if this. I now remember my father for what an incredible man he was during that only his journey while he was fighting cancer, but his journey throughout his entire life. A part of my heart is empty, but I know that the missing part of my heart is going to be filled with my father, but for that reason I encouraged my heart to make more space.

My father is my

best

friend

and role model. I'm glad I was able to tell you that as many times as I did today, January 19, 2020 he's running a little behind. I ran out the door to our first well I guess it's our first therapy session since yeah first therapy session since our father passed away last year on this day it's been a full year today I don't know everyone these users have been in battles trying to feel for me and i had to be able to talk to someone not that i couldn't but i've been putting off talking to someone who helped me i guess i got my emotions back or lack of emotions like this that we ran to therapy.

I don't know how it's going to go, yeah, it's not the first, but I mean it's something that we probably should have done for a long time, you know, yeah, today it just doesn't really feel. I guess everything we're doing and everything ahead of us. of us really process filming this today it feels good yeah and suddenly i know the dead would want us to just know he doesn't want me to be sad and that's for sure yeah we realized we've done it. I didn't tell anyone that I was actually shooting this documentary besides everyone on the crew and we even have our family more importantly we didn't want to release it before it was real but it's definitely real now so we want to let you guys know . that word we're going to film this for our dad so we're obstructed dad's parents right now my grandma grandpa hey grandma hi grayson you're doing it just doesn't feel really you know what we wanted to tell them is he said oh no you've been working on a documentary that we're planning to talk about dad's life and everything and the kind of man he was and what a nice guy he was when he was here and good because we know dad loved to help.

So much with everything you guys did so we're back in Jersey and we'll be filming for the next few days but yeah I'm really excited for you guys to see this I feel like this is going to be really moving and it's going to help a lot of people I think, and some of the people in our situation are Google, you know, yeah, I think dad would love it, guys, we're going to therapy right now, but yeah, you need something, let us know. today ok ok we will see you soon i love you so i guess what i want to ask you first is what brings you here today and what is the goal you have so today marks one year since our father. something passed away that has been bothering me this whole year is i feel like my dad was our best friend um i was as close to him as i am to grayson to lose someone like that and then i like shelter i haven't been able to get really emotional or that much Like I thought I should, but I could wait I feel guilty.

I don't know if I'm afraid to face my emotions head on, but we like to talk. but we both feel the same way so there's nothing we can really benefit from you know you know first of all i just want to tell you grieving is a separate journey you know your twins are very close but you journey through this is going to be very different no one grieves the same as you are known this is an inside you went through trauma okay and when you go through trauma there are symptoms like numbness panic attacks anxiety mood swings we have nightmares and you know what it's very real part of trauma processing yes I've been having panic attacks and that was something my mom always talked about her having panic attacks and so was my dad and that's something I wasn't fully aware of convinced it was real.

I recently had a partner who couldn't breathe. I thought I had asthma or something for the first time and I was fine, well yeah that's real. Sometimes you are very passionate about something, but then when you are grieving. You just lose interest I've lost interest like and a lot this year sometimes I feel like I can't even be there for my friends because I'm just somewhere else during your day you know what you are telling yourself I should be doing this I should be feeling this or you know i should be there for other people and that's really asking a lot of yourself i don't think it's fair to expect you to have unrealistic expectations yeah then you can never fully need them because you can't possibly need people to be there yeah , it's a little hard for me to accept it, it's very hard, especially the type of person my father was, there was never a time where I was dealing with something so he couldn't be there for us every time I got angry, I just think in him, who never let his condition, even when it got so bad, get him down, we made him angry and it was just never about him, i never wanted to be looking around, i never cried around him, but i started to cry and i I liked his emotion when he saw me cry.

I never really saw him get mad about this because he never bothers me less but when I got mad he got mad and how hard it was ever since my dad was diagnosed he never thought he would take his life and when we found out. from the doctors he had two weeks left like me i didn't feel guilty believing that because i knew he didn't believe them so you're having a hard time forgiving yourself yeah that's a big part of accepting loss forgiveness and it gets to a point where you see something you love in so much pain and when they tell you there's no way they can get it back you think ok maybe passing away is the best option so i want to see my best friend and so much pain and the way she was living isnt really a way of living unconscious then she wakes up to throw up and then it happens again the messy part was the only choice was to continue in that phase or die there was no way to get better and because getting better was 'It's a choice as if you almost hoped they could pass away in the most peaceful way and it's that I had a really hard time accepting the fact that a part of my brain expected my father to die again. your is your love for him and you know there really are no words to express what that is like, yeah the only times I've really been able to feel emotions are times when a memory was triggered or a memory hit me harder than it normally would and that happens from photos videos once always last night sometimes they ain't ready to do that yeah just think cause i'm so tired of feeling numb i might be ready for that i think this is just it a wonderful, wonderful thing to do because I don't think in our culture we talk about death it's something that happens to everyone yeah I'm sure you know it's a very unhealthy part of our culture that I think you're helping to change what which is pretty amazing thank you so much it was a great start i think our journey through this thank you so much self awareness and you like i said you are right where you need to be thank you i really appreciate it Coming out of it, I thought I was going to be much more in tune with my emotions, but for some reason I'm still numb and just wanted to induce my emotions.

I wanted to be able to feel something today, so I think we're going to do something today that we've been avoiding for a long time. The first week my father died. He was always looking at photos and some of them provoked me. It was too much and that's it. when I got really numb and have been avoiding looking at them ever since because I just don't want to feel nothing and not be able to remember. It just had this big block because it's been happening to us. we mentally put off looking at pictures or anything so today we feel like we took a big step and look at pictures and talk about the memories they would have so let's go through them and do our best to recall memories this is us and who else is dead, damn it's really crazy like the feeling of the photo can bring me back right away it's ok it just doesn't seem real at all right now yeah yeah i never felt real and i don't know when my brain will be able to process it but it doesn't feel like it's gone yeah we'll get these pictures and he's as far from knowing he's as familiar as someone like that is so familiar to you and then you just can't see them again, but the second you do it's like you saw them a second ago my dad was our principal assistant principal that was the only year we went to the same school his dad worked at but this is the first day of school for me and he and we got the sheet and the same shoes and just a little different like our shoes now i remember tonight when the Giants won the super bowl we are huge Giants fans this must be a school yeah talk dude voters , you talk about his hate cry because i feel like i see that missile guy as a good person, he looks so happy in his job there, the kids took him away from that, that's why i guess i guess i apply.

I have been subconsciously putting off photos because they are difficult. Here's such a weird student because he had this photographic memory and I can literally remember doing this. on that ramp this is - we were inside until we were three years old and I remember getting on a streetcar and that's where we started and my dad would run us across the yard and throw us down it was my dad playing the drums teaching me, how to play the drums, yeah , I remember my dad and I had a drum kit in the house I grew up in when I was younger, not in this house, and it was in the same room in the basement, so it was just him and I would go down there and play the drums a lot. drums all the time and he had a big set and I had a mini set I guess this is a picture of my dad's band yeah that's a CC veggie or something they were playing he was singing. already and he always told me that someday he could sing because he couldn't sing well.

I think my problem is like this. I also don't want to get mad in front of Ethan so it was really good today to hear the therapist say grief is something to do you go through your own grief journey yes and a lifetime you've been through did you know we've walked the same path yes we have lived synonymous lifestyles because we are so close and I think our bond is so strong and also because of what we do, I think because when we were talking about extremes there is complete isolation or there are too many things going on at once where you can't really focus on your emotions if you're a little worried about what's going on around you.

I think right now could be the moment I got excited as my first Augustinian. I ran out of the room. Ethan that's all because he's going through it too and I just like him and then there's this angry feeling at myself because I don't want him to get upset when I talk to him now I like to think he was more like my age and a friend because I guess there's I'm not saying how old you're allowed to be in heaven, but it's nice that we got to experience things on a different level and even closer than we really could while he was here, there's a nice guy who did a lot of it.

Cool shadow, he really did it all, he was good at mo, he's also good at everything he did because he did it carefully, look love. I learned some new things just by looking at these photos. They kind of want to review these photos a bit more, although yeah, you don't have to review the rest. It feels good to go through not being. if i wanted to be emotional i was afraid to be emotional it's so many thoughts hitting your brain at once you can't process anything you don't know what you want to feel or why yeah i think it was hard for especially the beginning to validate how I felt and understand that I was okay, it's easy to feel bad about whatever you feel, but just like I feel bad when I cry for making other people angry and then I feel bad for not crying.

Not enough talk. It is not like this. where to look I want to talk to you, so I'm really glad we're doing this with the cameras off because I hope it's hard, but it's worth it. a little help from this and perhaps being able to relate the most helpful thing to me throughout this year was just when I found out thatimportant then a little boy wanting to live another day well my son was not born another day he gave me strength strength he really did he was willing to carry on he was so strong he fought till the end so strong that was. but what it gave me is the strength to understand what's going on what life is really about and i try to think every day i'm trying to do the best i can strong not to hurt your spirit with just tomorrow i'm constantly trying to carry on as you would like me to have as much faith as incredible faith yes where I didn't I always had but not as strong as now amazing the amount of faith I have in him and his spirit what I believe in now It's stronger than ever I believed it, yeah, because I took it, man, and maybe that's what left me more than anything, more than material possessions or anything, just the spirit of belief that I'm going to see it again. new, but it will be with him again.

I will miss him forever and you tour. I am no longer on this planet because he was my son. I just want to say I'm so proud of you for being this is strong yeah well thank you for this even your Grand Canyon you know generations okay I'm so proud of you thank you I want you to know what you know or not, the force rubs off on me, oh, thank you, well, thank you. you i love you too yeah you can tell yourself how proud of you too and Cameron you would make everything for him go a long way you guys worked your way up until it was all part of the deal. he was selfless, he never cared for himself, he cared more for everyone around him and their well-being than for himself.

When I fight, I think about him and what Sean would do and what Chando. like my motto now just keep going just keep pushing and things will be alright you know it's hard to talk about it's just that it's hard i call his voicemail i'm still just a hero he's tough but honoring him it's all about pushing And on and on, yeah, that's all he ever did. He never complained the day before he passed away. i wasn't worried about the next step yeah he was my big brother and he pushed me and i thought of him the whole time he was a jack of all trades and a master of everything i stay positive your dad wouldn't let me slip like your my father would not let me go no matter what, he would always stick with me to exercise, to always be fit, to always be strong, even when i was in college, he had the best conversations with me that anyone could and I think that his belief that he had in all of us is what honestly keeps me going now that he's not here, I always say he's still doing it for me, don't just improve yourself, improve people, improve others people, Ryan inspires greatness and other you. it's always those people, your father was always that person, if you ask me what struck me the most, as you know, Shawn and I talked a lot during his process, since he got sick and went through all this horrible, mind-numbing thing . being 72 years old i've been around men who have passed and i've seen guys react differently i've seen a guy die he's angry like i've never seen him i've seen other guys die like dumb and Shawn was him he didn't hide he just came out off the dugout man took the bat and got in the box i guess what i'm trying to say is that she was the stronger guy and i say that says a lot this is on my mind my the bones of my heart every time i put that phone down with him and i paid attention to his attitude and really understandable as we all knew how serious he was and he too he didn't act that way he didn't act that way but i can't tell you guys how much he will impress me with All that track record I had and once I get the palookas excited, the real so called tough guys bend like old deck chairs when I hit the wall with something that's serious.

Do not apologize. me because i had a pan throwing up sorry uncle joe told me i want to jump out a window shawn please stop welcome to the bathroom because he had to stop and lean on a couch sorry uncle john man shawn please man i wait and i see in you that the force had toughness that man that man a guy who is strong educated aware of everyone else and i tell you first hand i saw a lot of guys leave and when i was driving home i said well man my time comes if i do something like this to myself where I'm staying please give me 10% of what that guy had 10% because I think I could do it I'm serious and I think about myself a lot I have an ego I've been against it but I've stood up to that sick sick self conscious everyone else before grade books for kids going to school kelly his rooms and all no i'm sure he was a special guy special man just say a special part for me is you i don't know Until this happens, it crosses your mind if I could do it all over again, man, and I hope it happens to you, everyone in your room, do you pay attention every day? as deep as you're trying to know and appreciate what's so good about it square them every time i want to step on the balls but just pay attention because men you don't want to see it all near the end and that would show me that. he was the very essence of what he was and who he was and none of us really knew how sick he was when we saw him standing there but i can imagine because i heard through rumors that bone cancer was painful the worst is the worst. the worst thing was that he had the worst and he didn't act in the worst way, so he asked me about him, but I think of Sean.

I just hope I can be such a man. I'm not saying he has to be traumatic. These are my feelings. I made a mistake the other day. I have this guy. I have to call. His name is Sean Hogan and I called Sean darling and got the voicemail from him that he told me I was up for two days so if you ask me, man, I've never forgotten. I think about it weekly. on a weekly basis i think it fits so awesome but anything to me because of my upbringing about all that macho who has gone shit anyway because he ruins your life when you get caught too much for me everyone had cared in his life was around him, yeah and I think that's a real gift he fought for I've been around a hundred debts at least I've never never never never seen anything like that haunted me to the bone I think listening to the story we don't know a debt about better our mother, who is going to be very nice to hear, but at the same time definitely the artist that she wanted to make a contribution to this documentary for my father, he actually feels very strongly about it, but I'm just not, I'm just afraid whatever it is, he has seen me too much for what came out for this moment it is very appreciated I feel much more comfortable in this room that I have all these means as I feel good I think that many times he was like I don't know if he only gives us three but it could be the room mm-hmm like here it feels good do you know what we've been filming with everyone you've told yourself we've been asking things not just like stories about that we've never heard before.

I have learned that Justin talked to so many friends and co-workers of the dads. A lot of the stories were very similar because he was such a consistently good person mm-hmm, but I learned that someone knew things about a reunion if it was Like a silly story, they can think about it all day, you know the memories, by what seems like memories don't fade but when they're there for so long they stay and then when you think about him again you don't get it. like raw emotion but when you hear something new that you've never heard before it's almost like you're experiencing it for the first time and it's almost like they're not even God because you're experiencing something there with them so I was wondering if you knew that this could be very difficult, we could practice it and I want to keep doing it, but if you have any stories about you and the day you guys folded, you were together because you know, I mean you helped things with it.

It was years and it wasn't with part of your life what's good today through this same fear no it just hit me cause it's unfair that we keep living like the numbers change I haven't been able to cry so I think it took this yeah we were never going to sit down and do it it's been so hard and exhausting but it feels so good it feels so good it feels real again whatever some points i feel like you never knew we can feel you don't Do you know more about your best friend? It stops feeling real and you get so numb you don't even remember it and it's the first time I really remember it because I dug up a lot during this documentary even though it's all mixed up and my emotions are crazy. like i like to feel that he's here that i could miss him again it was such a natural gift to him he didn't even realize he did it you mean he didn't mean to do it just for me you went you know how and where It would be, he can even talk about going to treatments, but he knows the lady in sight it was only when he checked the best that the person was driving the car the proton radiation he knows knew the guy's name the first like he always greeted elegant, treat and say hello to everyone first ladies players who did chemo I'm realistic I think they lit up when she walked in going to me like yeah we haven't had a conversation with this in years not once sitting this close to each other in cash talks like you talk about dad that in a group like this I have not done it with you and I have done it with you but I have not done it with you - I just hope that he sees this video, so he really knows how many people he helped in it, how valuable his life is and all he did was if he had all these things he wanted to do for himself and he was talking about them but it pushed him to the end side always if you think about it always really why don't you do to me what you always do to me you taught me they taught me we walked but he was pushing it aside not because he didn't believe in himself because he didn't prioritize himself he gave him that's why we did we remember well oh you want a pizzeria you're going to open a ppl these dreams open these restaurants and do music tours and book tours and he pushed it aside and we always gave it for but it was only because he always wanted to do things for other people before himself 100 percent without jump out of the car trained for things well that's the station and i feel like with us with his illness he did it in a sense where it felt like sometimes he got hit by the train and you didn't say anything bad about us yeah you just want us to miss pray for this guy but the fact that he can spend so much time with you even watching the video is like he is. there for all that is the most important people yes he said he didn't have any hobbies you guys for his hobbies swedish he will be very happy and he will do this because i do it all day i didn't imagine school because he is so proud of you. i will tell ours after hearing all these amazing stories a better father than we have ever heard before from many different people he had lived his life with we realized they all had one thing in common he was always helping we are starting this Cancer Foundation, this meant something I wanted to do for a long time and I just didn't know when the right time was going to be or the right way to do it, but we had been working really hard to put this together. and to be able to make the difference that we've always wanted to make and the difference that our father would want to continue to make, we're partnering with yes, basically, 'if they do it is that they allow people like us to set up foundations and target causes that we really believe in and that are personal to us and our family, so we had a meeting with the if' when we were in Los Angeles and we explained to them all the ways that cancer directly affected our family and those we care about how it affected our dad and then also the ways that that my dad would like to help people, that's Shawn's love, so when you donate to Shawn's love, all the proceeds will be distributed to all these cancer organizations that we really have a strong personal relationship with. connection to things that were real to us, things that we actually went through and these charities are fighting these issues and trying to find a solution for the families and people who are suffering from this horrible disease so for the first charity I want Start by sharing a statistic about 1.7 million people diagnosed with cancer in the US per year and in the US there are about 1,1500 cancer centers, it's heartbreaking to think of all the people who are sitting at home because they don't They have a way to get to these facilities. being able to drive it because he didn't have the ability to lose the ability to drive and walk because of the medication he was on and because the cancer has spread to his brain there are some people who can't there and i just have to sit and stare at a hard mint they told me to sit there knowing this disease is in their body and it will take them away and they have no way they can't help they know the money to get there or not you don't have to know the vehicle or the person they just don't have the resources to get to these care centers and they just had to sit there and live with the idea that this disease is taking them,so the first charity that our foundation loved Sean's is lining up with him to help these families in these people who are fighting this disease come to these treatment centers for charity number two.

I want to start with another really disturbing statistic: 9.6 million people are diagnosed with cancer worldwide each year 9.6 million which is larger than the population of New York, which is actually 9.6 million. people all over the world die from cancer every year and my father's situation affects not only the five of us, but also his family and extended family, my mother's family members, everyone his friends, all his students. all of us faculty and that's almost thousands, yeah, and that's just one case of cancer in one individual. Sometimes

losing

someone to cancer can leave a family in a truly unfortunate financial situation.

My father had cancer for about two and a half years, and at the end of his journey in his battle with cancer, he received close to three million dollars, if not more. of cancer treatment is three million dollars. There are families that cannot pay. The second charity Sean will be partnering with helps these families dealing with this trauma attend grief therapy sessions and receive proper care. the third charity love from sean will partner with is stand up to cancer i want to share another stat again 206 people have been diagnosed with cancer since you started watching this documentary and every day close to 5,000 people are diagnosed with this horrible disease , it doesn't feel well we are just letting the disease outnumber us we only have more people diagnosed in a day in our country so there are facilities to help those people by making this documentary it was part of my goal to spread the word awareness of this terrible disease so that we can outnumber it, yes, because right now it is outnumbering us all.

I just wanted to tell a quick story, one year after my father's battle with stage four gastroesophageal cancer. she had been through chemotherapy she had been through radiation both forms of cancer treatment countless times her body was breaking down from the treatments and there was just no way we could continue and there were no other treatments left the chemotherapy stopped working and the radiation stopped working work so when you hear your dad has two weeks left to live I mean it really shocks you when I heard I just prayed for at least another week with him for a miracle there was a treatment called immunotherapy that had just been approved for their form of cancer so this was a trial drug basically a trial drug as they always find new treatments for this disease because of cancer research and the charities spread the cancer that they are always there for actively trying to find the cure. this disease and new treatments to help these people and it was my dad's last hope and our family's last hope so my dad started immunotherapy after he passed his cancer about a week after he was given two weeks, yes, and shortly after starting immunotherapy, they began to see a huge decrease in the amount of cancer in her body and in her tumor, where her cancer started, and it seemed like she was on the road to full recovery. week after he was given two weeks to live just because of that trial drug and because of that trial drug we got an extra year and a half with my dad and for about nine months of that year and a half he was able to live symptom free at one point in The one where they found so much cancer on my father's shoulder that he couldn't lift his arm anymore and his bone was going to break, so they would have to amputate his arm and I remember it was like he was as a friend, I'm not going to like having any more a catch with you, it's like throwing the football, she's young enough to start learning to throw with my other arm Wow, and then a couple months after immunotherapy, I was hanging out with him and you lifted his arm and he was able to move it again, it's so sad that cancer is doing amazing things for cancer research and that's why we decided to partner with them with the foundation that we've created. with our father, so the fourth cancer organization Shawn's love will donate to is sloan-kettering memorial, which is the Cancer Center where my father received all of these treatments and actually it is ranked the number one cancer treatment center in the US in the US So we are so lucky to have lived 15 minutes 15 years from Sloan-Kettering Memorial.

They truly support their patients and our family. They also keep an eye on us and ask how we are doing even after

losing

our father. it is a very special organization our heart that we are going to donate so they can continue to save lives and give families and individuals more time here together v the charity shawn's love will donate to is st. Baldrick Street. Baldrick's is a charity fighting to end childhood cancer. It was always the hardest thing for my dad to see the kids fight the fight that he was fighting and, as we learned, all the schools that my dad taught or was principal or superintendent at. he was all for the kids so for my dad to see the kids that he sees playing outside and learning new things and you know, just growing up and having to strip them of all of that because they're fighting this terrible disease that he I was fighting. it was extremely hard for him and another really cool thing that st.

What Baldrick does is he shaves his head, which is, just so you know, to raise awareness and show solidarity with these kids and take away the stigma of losing their hair. The only time I saw my father insecure in his entire life was when he lost his hair. to cancer was like man i feel like i look sick dude and i think it was because you didn't want people to think i was losing hope like it looked bald like people think im nice to give up or im fading and i was like dad he's just a hairdresser and at the time i thought i'd shave his head for him and i talked to them about it and usually now don't do it its ok like he did it.

I'll be upset, he'll be, I'll be upset if he did that. I want you to do that for me. I am fighting this on my own. and everyone who is losing their hair and just knows they are lonely or upset about it i will shave my head thats all the charities that love him shawn will donate too so when you guys donate to shawn love , these are all the foundations that will receive your proceeds, ok greg can you come clean it up for me yeah holy hell yeah I think it looks pretty cool. Me with it, I like it, okay, let's clean it up, looks good, clean it up, man.

I've always wanted to do this. I can't believe I actually did it. It looks so good. It was so long. this I am very happy to have a story that I am proud of when people ask me what I did, although the pain of losing a best friend will never go away, we have made great emotional progress with him. this way by continuing the conversation about her father's life we ​​have found a way to maintain our bond with her best friend girl I found her father's old cassette from when he was in a band our age and we wanted to listen to it for the first time Oh , to make your donation to love shaun visit love shaun org we will click the donation button below no donation is too small if we all come together and make a donation together your donation will save lives yes to start with the ethan foundation and I'm making a personal donation of $50,000 so we wanted to kick off the Foundation and in an epic way so we got a big check yeah lift