Living in the Hospital | Bill Engvall

because I'm taking a little drug called percocet and if you've been taking percocet you know there's no bowel movement, I actually looked it up and percocet is a Latin word and the definition is we popped a cork in your butt and stuck your cheeks together. I'm not kidding, I almost had an aneurysm just from trying to fart, so a couple days go by and if you've ever been on percocet, you know the moment I'm going to talk. at that moment you realize you can go to the bathroom and it's the happiest day of your life right but I can't just get out of bed because my legs are soft at night and I can't walk yet so I have to call the station Nursing, yes.

Miss Dreamboat, can I help you? And I said hello. It's Kristi here and she says. No, she's at the end of the hall. She was another patient. How can I help you? I go and I don't want to just say I have to poop and I'm a comedian, they know I'm trying to be funny so I say, Yeah, could you tell her I need to drop some friends off at the lake and she said you can't. Go to the lake? You haven't been discharged yet. No, just tell her the turtles are trying to get out of the pond and she's like, you can't have pets in the

hospital

, oh my god, you really don't have this life?

I said no, just tell her I have to poop and she says, I'm sorry you cut off what you're saying now. I heard it through my door. I'll sign, here we go. Oh Christie, it's mr. Ball has to poop so Christie comes all happy so let's try it don't be so happy about this so she gets me out of bed and I get on my walker and we go into the bathroom there's kind of like a bathroom circus, I mean there are pipes, bars, a swing, a net and a guy selling popcorn, it's like she sits me on the toilet and she stays there, I'm going with this it's not going to work if you're standing . here because I can't leave the room I'm going you have to leave the room because I can't because you could fall off the toilet the toilet I'm standing on the other side of the door and if I think I'm going to fall.

I'll give you a cursory look. Wow, and then you run in and save my life. She said, "Okay, but I have to leave the door ajar. I'm fine, whatever, just leave because I'm afraid of stealing." It's going to happen as we said before percocet there is no bowel movement but what it does give you is explosive gas and apparently I had the bathroom with the supersonic microphone in the toilet because every time I defecate it has sounded like the bombs in Normandy they go and Every time she succeeds, finally like a BB she retires and I'm like that city that counts there, so she leaves a couple of hours later, another nurse comes in and says: "Okay, the mystery means time for you to go to therapy , not surgery." It hurts physical therapy it will bring tears to your eyes I never thought the words exercise bike would make me cry out loud but it did, they come and get me out of bed and I get on my walker and if you have I have ever seen someone walk with a walker, makes a very distinctive noise.

He goes. What I don't know is the wing of this

hospital

where I am. All they do is hip and knee replacements, so they take me out into the hallway to go to therapy and I'm walking down the hallway and I hear this and I look behind me and there's like ten other old people walking around, we're like a senior train heading to physical therapy, so we're going to therapy and we're going to come back and the nurse says look gentlemen, if you don't want to go back to your hospital rooms, you can sit here in the common area and visit us.

No one wants to go back to the hospital room, so we're all sitting there. around in some kind of circle and there's an awkward silence, you know, we all have our walkers, shopping chairs and no one talks and I hate that, so I thought, well, I have to be the one to break up, but I don't know. These guys, I don't know where they're from or what their story is, so I finally look at the guy on the other side and say, hey man, look what kind of tennis balls you got in your Walker and your ego, the good old smooth ride Wilson's, yes.

They're going to last a long time, so finally people start talking nice and naturally the conversation got to how you ended up here and I swear, as I'm standing here, the guy to my left says, "Well, I was in Vietnam as a Vietnam pilot." a plane was shot down I took some shrapnel to need it finally it got so bad they had to replace it the guy here goes I used to play for the Houston Oilers and 300 pound linemen took out my knee and it finally became so arthritic They had to replace it .I say what about you guys?

Well guys, I hurt mine doing the cha-cha. There's no way to make that sound harsh. Yeah, no one. You keep adding stuff. It only gets worse. Yeah, thank God, I had my leotards on because... I heard it and they finally released me, but if you want to know what my life is like in a moment, this is where Gayle comes at me and they take me downstairs to the lobby and give me my crutches and I'm just getting ready. to leave and I heard this mystery involved and I turn around and on the second floor balcony I look down the hall, it's Christie, my nurse, and I said, hey Chris, don't say thank you for everything, you know, the guys treated me very good and she was, I forgot to tell you something and I said what and she said whoa