Live In New York (2005) - FULL SET | Jimmy Carr

Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, I'm, I'm Jimmy Carr, we'll move on, Charlie, I must warn you, ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, that there is a certain amount of profanity on my show. Speaking of split infinitives, there are some bad words and there is material of a sexual nature, so if you are offended by rude or crude material, for the love of God, don't do it now, some of you may have difficulty with my accent, for Of course, technically I don't. I don't have an accent, I'm English, that's how things sound when pronounced correctly.

My girlfriend said you want to make fun of her. I told her she's fine, chubby. She recently sat me down for one of those serious relationship conversations where she did the talking. Watching myself for about six hours, I realized until then that when a man says that's what he talks about, that's literally what he means. ultimately happiness and the other way, while the other way is a dead end and I said that's not a crossroads like a T-junction, well I'm glad you laugh, she went crazy. She was doing a show a couple of weeks ago. talking to a girl in the front row I asked her name she said it's vitarka I told her it's an unusual name that you don't hear every day she actually answered yes I asked her where she was from she said I'm from outside New York I said , really too, what part of New York aren't you from?

At what stage? And I'm really asking the men in the room when I ask them at what stage you become paranoid about receiving penis enlargement emails. He's not the only one who gets them, oh it's just that I currently get about 10 a day, eight of them from my girlfriend, it's the two from my mom that really hurt, no matter how much you give to a homeless person for one cup of tea, you never understand that throwing acid in tea is wrong in some people's eyes. Swimming is good for you, especially if you are drowning. Oh yeah, I didn't just do cardio.

I didn't die either. My father used to say, he used to say what he didn't. Killing yourself makes you stronger until the accident people say pretentious modern artists but that's how I see it I went to the airport information desk I said how many airports there are in the world everything is very good around the world travel on your vacation where will you go next year comes I bought one of those tickets to go around the world $1,200 with an incredible value 37 hours later I'm writing to you this part of the show is aimed at all the good whores and in New York City my favorite news from the last Last year was a story about an Australian hiker, a nature lover who was walking through the Australian outback, through the deserts, and there was a rock fall and his hand got trapped under the rock and he had to cut his hand with a knife to get through.

Walking to Freedom is an incredible story about courage and the human spirit and what it is to be a man and I can't believe someone saw that story and didn't wonder if they would be able to do it so well. I have given it to you. I thought a lot. I think so, I could do that, what do I care? Australians, on the other hand, the other surprising story in the newspapers last year was not as inspiring, but it was the story of an English woman. and an American man who was flying from JFK to London Heathrow and they had never met before flying first class and they were arrested when they arrived to land at London Heathrow and the reason they were arrested is because the lady was performing fellatio on the man.

This is what they came to land. The lady was giving the man fellatio. I prefer hard candies. I just can't imagine how that happens. Presumably at some point during the flight she turned him around and told him my ears are sticking out. Do you have any hard candy? and he said no, no, no, but now I have an idea. I'm not sure if you know this gentleman, but it's been tornado season recently and I saw a couple being interviewed on CNN and why. They were being interviewed because even though a tornado was approaching their house they refused to move even though their house was on wheels and they were being interviewed by a very nice anchor from CNN and he had his arm around his wife and They told him why aren't you going?

He said God will protect us and I thought, who do you think is sending the tornado when people say they hear voices in their heads instead of exactly hearing voices in your legs right now? That would be crazy. I

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quite close. a remedial school there is a sign outside that says slow kids I thought I can't do much about their self esteem but look on the bright side of course they can't lower it now Mel Gibson has upset a lot of Christians. I don't know if we'll have any tonight, but he upset a lot of Christians by making this movie The Passion of the Christ and the reason he upset them is because Mel Gibson made a movie about the life of Christ that added to a silly Hollywood ending. where the hero returns at the end if we are all children of God what is so special about Jesus if you eat a lot of spicy food you can damage your sense of taste when I was in Mexico last year I was listening to a lot of the bites of Michael Bolton, the popular singer Sting He often brags about his eight-hour late-night sex sessions with his wife Trudy.

Imagine how long he could go on like this if she was attractive? Does anyone here listen to hip-hop music? I have a question for you when they say that in hip-hop songs, like they always do, you throw your hands up like you just don't care. Surely a better example of apathy would be not bothering to send a salami to your guy in the army. I thought some kind of ammunition would be more appropriate now that women reach their sexual peak after 35 years, men reach theirs after about four minutes, and I think that's why we do more things now, when I had a job when I had a in a proper nine to five job.

I was very jealous of the women I worked with because they had the best excuse to take a sick day. We all like to take a sick day from time to time, don't we and women have the The best excuse is, of course, women's problems and the reason why women's problems are a good excuse is because women's problems are the end of a conversation. Why did not you come yesterday? Women's problems. I'd like to think if I were the boss. it would be quite different the problem of women genitals pretzel maybe I could take a look say the feminists and you might agree with this you might not feminists say a woman's work is never done maybe they forgot about me organized I'll be better it's a bit chilly Look, you're looking at me, lady, what you have to understand is that it's postmodern misogyny, that joke is actually

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of irony, so don't worry your pretty little head about it like I'm filling out a questionnaire, He said who would do it. what you like most is to sleep with someone who is a

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or dare i put anyone who is alive ladies ladies if you have a burning sensation when urinating it could be one of three things it could be a urinary tract infection it could be a forest fire or it could be that someone is talking about your vagina my girlfriend is reading a book right now it's one of those New Age type of things it's called it's called women who love too much I think I might have the title short for my girlfriend said have you been having sex behind my back? he said who you thought he was and by the way he would kill you for looking around every once in a while check out a Juggs vegan magazine.

A very interesting and informative article was about the difficulties of asking your partner for anal sex. It was in the title What If? She takes it the wrong way I'm sorry ma'am, I can see she's shifting her nerves awkwardly. I didn't need to offend her. I'm sure that whatever you decide about anal sex, I'm sure he'll be right behind you. Chuck. Can. I can't help but notice her, you got it, you have a bald head. I'm not going to tell you, you knew that, right? Do you read New Scientist magazine? Did you read it by chance?

Did you see her last January? a very interesting article was about why men go bald, apparently it's too much male hormone, so my advice is to stop swallowing boxers. Boxers don't have sex before a fight. You know why they don't like each other. The reason. Older men use Viagra not because they are impotent, it is because older women are very ugly. I don't know if you've seen this, but the company that makes Viagra that they're making now is making this new inhaler. let's say it will give a man an erection in 30 seconds correct me if I'm wrong that's your duty no wonder your drink I often remember before JLo before the term ghetto booty when we used to just call it fat ass you know , that question they ask you asked and I am sure all men will recognize this.

You get asked from time to time if my butt looks big in this from your partner. I have discovered the worst thing you can say. No is yes. The worst thing you can say when you are. He asked me if my butt looks big in this, let me step back, get it all in. My girlfriend used to get mad because I left the toilet seat up, so don't do that anymore. Leave it, that's not winning with her. She now she gets angry. because it's covered in urine, have you ever been asked to wash the dishes and done a really bad job so they don't ask you again?

My girlfriend does the same with jobs. I have a friend who got two. girls last week I said they're like buses he said yes you wait ages and then you come right away I said no they're like buses someone came up to me and complained about that joke after a show last week, pretty big guy Girl, she said, I think you're the fattest. I told her no, no, no, I think you're the fattest anyway. These men who like women who cannot leave the house fat are called fat hunters. I prefer that term chubby hunters. I just wonder how much chasing there really is, a bit of wiggling and panting, then I understood what, ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to speak with you tonight.

I don't have much time left, but I was wondering if you would be interested in seeing some Jimmy Carr products. I think you've made the right decision, otherwise we would be having a quiet time. What I have chosen is the comedy t-shirt, some comedy t-shirts from Jimmy Carr's own brand. I'll show you, see what you think. This is the first one I designed. What do you think? I think it's pretty good. It is after passion. I will explain you. He says I'm stupid. So the idea is that he uses it and then the person looks and then in the back he says.

National Association of Special Needs Caregivers this is the Christian Alliance Against Swearing next this is the most popular t-shirt in the world and they have sold more of these than any other jesus loves you is not in love with you this is the kind of thing that you could see in Florida, the world's greatest lover if speeds are important to you, in fact a couple of weeks ago I couldn't have sex. I'm not going to go into details, suffice it to say that I arrived early and my girlfriend said, "no." Don't worry, that happens to a lot of guys.

I said there are two things going on with that, first of all, who are these many guys? and secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault? Well, this is the last one I'll have to leave it for this lady gentleman I don't know, I don't know if we have any father in any way, anyone, a father, well, this is for you, the best father in the world. I 1, ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid that's all. I have time for you to be a brilliant audience. Thank you very much and good night.

What motivates him. It was originally about suicide bombers. I've toned it down for you.