Jokes About EVERY Fast Food Chain! - Dry Bar ComedyNov 09, 2021
how to fit so many napkins into a Dispenser that people couldn't get one out of a stick of dynamite. People get their own drinks now. People get their own drinks. You just have to give them a cup and when you hand them a cup, when you hit them, make sure your fingers are sticking inside the cup, that's ours, that's our policy, then you give them a bag of
foodand that's it, there's no need to say thank you because you wrote that on the trash box, yes, we carved it into the trash box. I'll see when they clean up after themselves I said I was trying before.
I think I can be honest with you. We both know I'm not trying at all. This is how you look like this by not trying
everyday. Today I went to McDonald's. twice, the first time was on purpose, I think the second was just a combination of highway hypnosis and muscle memory, that's twice in the same day, that's nothing, try going twice in the same shift, that It's an experience, right there you go to the menu, you order your
foodand they tell you to stop and you do it because you're hungry and you're obedient and you get to the window and you see that that same person recognizes you from before and just starts asking
everything you want.
Are you, am I stuck in a time loop or is he just the saddest man on the planet? arby's is a lot less glamorous you go in there I got it again you better turn on the second fryer I'm going to get more curly fries out of the freezer for me too I'm from the south I love being southern I love the food I love the people I love the hospitality. My only problem with the south. Everyone in the south has an accent. A strong, strong accent. I was at a
fastfood restaurant in South Carolina.
I decided to order in my best Southern accent when it came time to speak into the machine. I was like Hey, this is the day, y'all gonna give me a fucking number three, do it my way, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, cheese, top it off with a big mountain dew, oh he's here, awesome, I can't make it up this, the person who takes my order. coming around 10-4 now this is cooter we read you loud and clear bro now hey we gotta do it you're all white cause you're the king here at Burger King bro I'm going to need you to stop window number three because man come on guys when I stopped my car around the person who took my order was chinese, that's a big accent right there, taco bell recently announced, i guess it turns out it's the healthiest
fastfood restaurant in america, that's a real catchphrase, i just To say it blew my mind, honestly, guys, because I don't know a single person in the history of the world who has walked into a taco bell and thought I'm here to make good decisions.
No, no, I've never seen wine. at the taco bell drive thru during the day because we're all waiting for the sun to set because we're embarrassed because taco bell tastes best between two and three in the morning when we're incapable of making good decisions i don't hate taco bell i would love it if you ever wanted to sponsor me i'm totally depressed i had a taco bell for lunch which hey look i like it i like taco bell i think it's okay i think it's good just don't tell people i like it because they always tell me the same thing like if you knew it's not real mexican food like yeah there's a taco made with a dorito i got it breaking news folks no one believes taco bell is real mexican food. when you walk into pollo loco no one says hey you know those chickens aren't actually crazy about taco bell, they make me laugh because they know if you're going to eat there you're going to eat there, no one is on the fence about the taco.
Bell, no one likes it, well let's wait and see what the next commercial looks like. You already know if you're going to come back or not, and Taco Bell knows that's why they can put out a product that has the exact same ingredients as three other products. Their current menu just change the name or shape and we'll make you feel stupid for asking about it. They are like what we have for spring. This is seasoned steak, lettuce, cheese, tomato and sour cream wrapped in a flour tortilla. Does anyone have any questions um yeah that sounds like a beef burrito well that's not right the beef burrito is rolled it's ok with this we fold the sides inward we press it with a t-shirt iron I don't know what's so hard to understand the technology that we have invested in the crunchwrap, so what do we call it crunchwrap?
They are desserts that you don't even try with your desserts. They just take some other dessert you're familiar with and change it up a bit. I know we have cinnamon bites, isn't that just cut cinnamon? I mean, yeah, but we cut it for you. Okay, you could thank us. We took the time to put it in this glass that was already here. get up, do we have to? I remember a couple years ago the hosting company went bankrupt and then about a month later a mysterious entity saved them from bankruptcy. I thought for sure it was Taco Bell.
I've been waiting for that commercial for years. I was waiting. that commercial, it's a twinkie burrito, we filled it with fried taco meat, sir, do you want twinkie cream or sour cream? I don't care if it's coffee creamer, I'd like my twinkie burrito with hot sauce. Two ho ho loopers and a mountain dew the blue mountain dew I also want the Baja is that taco bell I'm not bragging I'm just telling you where I was behind the counter at a charity event you can donate a dollar in addition to your order and you know, you feel better with yourself for 48 seconds, but I don't want the attitude when I don't want to give, I make my request, she says, you want to give a dollar to this charity, you know, it adds to your request.
I'm like no, I give it my own way, she goes, she goes, I was like, sorry, she goes, you don't care about people's health, I was like, man, I'm eating a taco bell, no. I care about my own health. I also travel a lot with this job, man, my goodness, and just when you travel it's easy to eat fast food, but I would eat fast food if I wasn't traveling because fast food is the best food, um taco bell is the best thing ever. My taco bell yes, I love it, thank you, I love it, but I don't know what to do with it when people try to ruin it for you, like healthy people, when you eat it in front of them, they are always like that.
Disgusting man, you don't know how they do that? And I say no, but I would love to do this at home to save more money. I have these friends who know I like it. They make their own food. weird man, they know that I love the quesadilla in taco bell and they always say: lee, we can make you a quesadilla that is better than taco bell. I say, yes, but can I come to your house at 2 am and get it? What do you want to drive home to your window? He screams for food at 1 in the morning.
I will and they try to help you with the nutritional information that we care about, but the meat they use is excellent. The meat is grade C. and I was like, "you know I was a C student too, that's a passing grade, we're doing great and we're getting by in the seas, we're fine, I liked a taco once." bell before I could ask the guy at the counter." he stopped me it's like dude I just gotta let you know something um the meat bomb is broken the meat bomb is what you call your bathroom oh no we're at taco bell that makes sense and that's the other stereotype that doesn't I don't care about that, they always give in at taco bell, oh taco bell poops, it makes you go to the bathroom, I'm like what food doesn't make you go to the bathroom, when is there something to brag about, like yeah i went to a vegan place last month i still hadn't pooped let's see for a long time i thought ariana grande was a meal at taco bell he's like he wasn't i thought he was mountain dew light ice number six come on what is happening today I love fast food I went to Taco Bell for dinner tonight.
I did that, oh, you guys like it, or use my credit card to pay for it. Because my career is on fire right now, how sad their life has become when they have to finance a boat. Do you know? You're fine, zip it up and see what happens. I had this awkward moment with the lady behind the counter because she asked me if she could see the ID with the credit card just to make sure the credit card wasn't stolen. in the United States now they steal credit cards the first place they take is real taco bell that's for you we're going to max out this baby 89 dollars at a time forget the plasma screen television you morons I'm going to make it rain chalupa by getting this party started this is pretty awkward this has never happened to me before I went through the car window today right I bought my bag of fast food put it in the passenger car seat and the car seat belt light came on , it's like how much food did I order if the car thinks there is another human being in the car?
I still ate it. It's fantastic, very good. I have worked in public education for eight years and do not have a teaching license. I'm not qualified for my job but I'm the best at this you can see the confusion imagine as an adult I applied for taco bell they didn't hire me at taco bell which meant I wasn't able to reheat bean bags with diarrhea, but somehow I'm able to teach walking bean bags with diarrhea is crazy, it's great when I was in high school. I was a big fan of Spanish and when I was in high school I had the opportunity to go to Mexico to study abroad, do you know which one it was? super cool for a Spanish class, which was crazy, my parents said anything was a good idea to send me anything, it was safe, so I did the best I could do.
I got a job at a taco bell, so I'll be fluent. like three weeks you know what I'm saying I'm kidding that's stupid that's stupid that's a lot you know that mexicans don't work at taco bell you know that they're all black all black and then white working like girls-fil-a or starbucks you know what I'm saying I think you're choosing chic-fil-a my name is stacy how can I help you today? It's crazy and I know black people work at taco bell too because they're stingy with their meat, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm talking about, have you tried doritos locos tacos or whatever they give you?, like a little bit of meat and then throw a salad on top of your taco.
I'm like Devonta. better take this bag devonte is the name of a black person that's why it's funny here's something that happened recently i laughed so hard at my mom in public that she started yelling at me you know here's the backstory by the way have you ever have you laughed so much? falling in the supermarket aisle and I laughed this is what happened she told me her dog had diabetes okay and I started laughing so hard no he's so fat of course you know he's so big and she said, he's not funny how could i have known he has diabetes?
And I think probably because he looks like a propane tank with legs, that's how you know there were so many clues that he's huge, of course, he's diabetic and then he also gives people food all the time I catch him. she feeds him taco bell doritos locas tacos once it's like why do you feed him the most expensive tacos? You know that she is true, she goes, he prefers them, what did he tell you? What is happening here is also a chihuahua, we understand it. You know, it's ridiculous, I saw this on the sign outside McDonald's, the big sign, the marquee or whatever it said, now hiring, apply inside, yeah, apply inside, apparently they've determined there's a big problem, they're coming with employees potentials that happen right next to you, you know?
It's just potential yes, I would like to get a job at that McDonald's, but where are you going to apply? I don't know, I guess I think you go downtown, to the sheriff's department, it's all political, sometimes it's who you know. sometimes they put sometimes you put this now hiring query inside that's pretty fancy language for a taco bell haven't you ever talked like that? it's like shakespeare next door I just want to go in there is the manager inside oh manager oh administrator where file mark administrator surely within the confines of these walls to make boats or not to make boats I was here yesterday without success ask inside ask inside I guess when you You're going to go, you're going to resign, you have to give them your biweekly notice, you know I'm not coming back, they have no idea about the electronic trail they leave everywhere on the phone, on the computer all day, they don't realize that There are little footprints everywhere, sometimes they are easy to follow, I go to bed.
The other night I do the things dads do I turn off all the lights I put the thermostat back where it goes near the cabinets I go to sleep at 11:30 I wake up at seven in the morning There's a bag of Taco Bell on my counter My kid comes in breaking naked what's up you left last night without a taco bell bag i don't know anything about that i actually went to your bank account i saw a charge for taco bell someone must have stolen my card so someone broke into my house last night found your wallet i took your ATM card, deciphered your PIN code, spent three dollars and returned home replaced the card without being detected.
I left trash on the counter. What do you think of that crime? He's white from Michigan and my mom is white from Ohio, so it's, yeah, it's a good mix, good border joke, some of you got it, okay, very good,so yeah, it's fun, but I've never gotten over the food, you know, the drugs. and alcohol aren't really necessary you know when there's taco bell like I'm sorry she says it's like now that heroin I'm going to buy a Mexican pizza you know this looks good one of the women I work with she challenged me she's like you know what ?
If you really want to get fit you should try yoga and I was like yoga. You can't challenge me to do something and you think I won't do it well, so I did it. I went to the yoga studio. Firm. The problem was that I accidentally signed up for Hot Power Yoga and if you don't know what Hot Power Yoga is, let me tell you that they put you there for 90 minutes on a floor with just a wooden floor and stuff like that and then they turn around. with the thermostat on max, you can't challenge me to do anything in this world without me preparing, so on my way to hot power yoga i stopped at taco bell and had my usual.
I love that boy over there. He's my new friend, so I am. in this class and we're about 45 minutes in and I'm in downward facing dog at this point and you think I'm sweating now Lake Havasu was forming below me and the funny thing was there was a really cute girl up next. For me and Lake Havasu was approaching misty the The instructor was like shaking her head the whole class. She was already mad because they don't make yoga mats for fat people like me. Okay, there was no cup holder for my Diet Pepsi. About an hour into class, I heard Misty focus on me.
At this point they put me in the final position in the final pose, which is the pose of the child curled up in a little ball, everyone knows what a Jake Break sounds like when it is released, Misty's hair was pushed back like it was Hiroshima, the people were running. for the point of the room is that i am no longer welcome at hot power yoga i did something today that i haven't done in a long time i went to a fast food restaurant i haven't been to a fast food restaurant in a million years because the last The time I went to a fast food restaurant I walked in, asked the guy for a soda, he just handed me a cup and right at that moment they made me pour my own soda, I just walked in and asked him for a 7-up, he just and I.
This must be a diet seven so he said do you want fries or that and I said no if you're going to give me a knife and a potato, I stood there being a little stupid being from out of town. always out of town, but no, he finally realizes my conviction, sir, he pours it there oh oh, I pour it there oh, thank you, thank you and next time I'll just bring a thermos, I won't even have to chat. With you I could have saved a dollar in quarters and brought my own cup this time. Whats Next?
I'll be frying a burger at home. They will only send me an invoice. It have been a long day. You're running errands. a lot of things, you have the opportunity to get something to eat on the way home, you decide to stop at the fast food place, get some food and take it back to the house and as you order, your man turns to you and he says: would you like some French? chips and you say no that was your chance there's no reason once we get up to the window they hand us the bag now we can't drive with a bag so we hand you the bag now it's a race to get to house because you We're sitting there talking and eating and talking and eating and those are our fries, that's the sound of men who have lost many fries on the battlefield of life.
I mean, we love you ladies to death, but oh my gosh, when you get there, start. eating and just talking and in the middle you realize you're going, you know, those aren't even my fries, you're right, they're not your fries, you had your chance, said this one night a woman stared at me expensive. and she said they taste better when they're hers and every man's head in the room exploded and every woman did exactly what you did, yeah that's right, finally someone put that into words, that's exactly right.
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