John Mulaney And Stephen Colbert Explore Each Other's Deepest Anxieties

MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW SPECIAL IS "JOHN MULANEY AND THE LUNCH BUNCH." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW", JOHN MULANEY! ♪ ♪ ♪ (Applause) (Applause) THEY PLAYED THE LITTLE THEME SONG, YEAH. Stephen: THAT'S NICE. WHAT A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN. Stephen: IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. IT'S BEEN A LITTLE. Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU'RE FUNNY AND LOOK LIKE A GOOD GUY, WE ALL LOVE YOUR STAND-UP SPECIALS. YOU CAN SEE THEM WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY. THAT'S NICE.

Stephen: CAN'T YOU? I AM NOT MISSING ANYTHING. PEOPLE WHAT SAY. THEY SAY: "YOU ARE VERY CLEAN." Esteban: YES. AND I'M NOT, BUT -- Stephen: SOMETIMES DARK. DARK, YES, THE DARKEST ENCLOSURE OF HUMANITY. I try not to swear, but sometimes I do. Esteban: Okay. AND I REALIZE THAT YOU CAN SWEAR IF YOU QUOTE SOMEONE. (LAUGHTER) IF YOU SAY "A GUY TOLD ME" AND THEN YOU SAY THE DIRTIEST THING YOU'VE EVER THOUGHT OF, PEOPLE WILL SAY, "OH, DID HE TELL YOU THAT?" THEY NEVER ASSIGN THAT TO THE SPEAKER. Stephen: YES, YES. THIS IS HOW I BECAME THE CLEANEST SEMI-DIRTY COMIC IN AMERICA.

Stephen: "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH" IS A NETFLIX SPECIAL. CAN PEOPLE SEE IT NOW OR DO THEY HAVE TO WAIT? YOU CAN NOW SEE IT ON NETFLIX. IT WAS RELEASED ON DECEMBER 24TH. IT'S A SPECIAL COMEDY, STARRING 15 CHILDREN AND ME. Stephen: YOU ALMOST CALLED IT "KIDS WITH A LATCH KEY." YES, JOHN MULANEY AND THE LATCH KEY CHILDREN. Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED I KNEW? MANY PEOPLE THINK OF THAT AS A PEJORATIVE TERM, SOMETHING BAD. I WAS A BOY WITH A LATCH KEY. AND she THAT MEANS YOU CAME HOME AND YOUR PARENTS WERE AT WORK AND YOU HAD FUN, FREEDOM.

Stephen: IS THIS PERSON?" OH! Stephen: IS THIS WHO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT? YES. Stephen: THERE YOU GO. VERY QUICK, THE HAIRCUT, THE FRONT BANGS, I WOKE UP WITH GUM IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND THAT'S MY JOB, I CUT THEM OFF. Stephen: DID YOU DO THIS? YES, LOOK AT YOUR OWN HAIR FOR THAT PHOTO. Stephen: IT'S NICE. IT LOOKS VERY CONFIDENT TO ME. Stephen: IT'S VERY COOL. SHUUSE THIS LIKE YOUR HEAD SHOT. YES. IT'S A COOL SHIRT, HONESTLY. Stephen: SO WHAT WAS YOUR ...WHAT WAS YOUR FREEDOM LIKE WHEN A CHILD COMES UP WITH THE LATCH KEY?

A FIELD CHICKEN? WHAT WERE YOU DOING? I WOULD COME HOME, LOOK AT, LIKE, "MAURY." Stephen: I WOULD FIND OUT WHO IT WAS THE FATHER. AND THE DRILL SERGEANT WITH THE TEENS. THAT GUY WENT OUT AND YOU SAID, "ARE YOU REALLY IN THE ARMY?" YOU'D BE A BAD TEENAGER AND SAY, "I DON'T CARE WHAT MY MOM SAID. " AND A DRILL SERGEANT CAME OUT AND TOLD THEM, "YOU'RE GOING TO BE NICE TO YOUR MOTHER!" AND THEY WOULD CRY. AND YOU ASK, IS THIS A MEMBER OF THE ARMED FORCES? Stephen: DID YOU LEARN A LESSON FROM THAT, I SHOULD BE NICE TO MY MOM?

I AM STILL NICE TO MY PARENTS. Stephen: I LOVE HEARING IT. THEY ASKED ME TO ASK YOU THAT. I ALWAYS...I KNEW SHE WAS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO BE...ALWAYS KEEP...BE NICE TO THEM. Stephen: AND YOU SEEN THAT BY LOOKING AT YOUR OLDER BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND SAYING, "OK, I'm not going to make those mistakes?" NO, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE LESS ATTRACTED TO PROBLEMS THAN I WAS. LIKE THE FLAME OF THE PROBLEM (LAUGHTER) Stephen: AND YOU ARE THE MOTH OF... I WAS THE MOTH OF THE FAMILY (LAUGHTER) AND I WENT TOWARDS THE LIGHT BULB THAT WAS THE ATTRACTION OF DANGER.

Stephen: THE GLAMOR OF EVIL. THE GLAMOR OF EVIL. AND I WAS THE MOTH THAT WENT TOWARD HIM. LIKE THEY-- AS THEY SAY IN THE LETTER TO THE POLITICIANS. THIS IS THUS I WOULD SEE MY FRIENDS GET IN TROUBLE, AND I THOUGHT: THEY CAN'T BE TRAPPED. THAT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS. Stephen: OH, SURE. SO I COME IN AND SAY, I'M STILL VERY COURTEOUS TO MY PARENTS TO A DEGREE. I'm like a waiter when I see them. (Laughs) I'll say, " And how are we doing tonight?" IS THAT OK? AND I KNOW. THANK YOU, I'M GLAD. WELL. I'LL BE BACK RIGHT NOW WITH SOME BREAD. (LAUGHTER) I WAS ON VACATION.

MY WIFE AND I TOOK OUR MOTHERS FROM TRIP FOR MOTHER'S DAY. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT THAT BECAUSE WE GOT STOPPED FOR HAVING TOO MANY PASHMEANIAS IN ONE CAR. THIRD DAY OF MY TRIP MY WIFE SAID: "YOU ACT FAKE TO YOUR MOM." AND I SAID, "YES." AND SHE SAID, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?" AND I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT." I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT FAKE TO ADULTS." AND MY WIFE SAID, "YOU ARE 36 YEARS OLD." AND THEN SHE SAID, "SO THERE'S A FAKE YOU WITH YOUR PARENTS." AND I SAID, "YES." "AND THERE'S A FAKE YOU ON STAGE." AND I SAID, "YES." SEE ANNA SAID, "HOW DO I KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU YOU'RE THE REAL YOU." AND I SAID, "YOU DON'T DO IT." (LAUGHTER).

Stephen: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? THEN-- LET ME TELL YOU. SHE... SHE THOUGHT... SHE LOOKED AT ME AND THOUGHT A LITTLE AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR NINE YEARS. AND I THINK WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME. BUT YOU WILL." I NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU." AND THEN SHE... NO, BUT I LIKE THIS... "AND I NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF ME." AND THEN I SAID, "YES, HE'S BEAUTIFUL." AND I SAID, YES THERE IS A HELL, IF THERE IS A LIFE BEYOND, IF THERE IS A HELL, I THINK IT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND YOU CAN SEARCH WHAT NERVE YOUR LIFE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.

AND IF THERE IS A HEAVEN IT'S A WIKIPEDIA, AND YOU CAN CHANGE THAT." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME. DID YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING? MINT WATER. THIS IS YOURS? Stephen: NO, THAT'S ABSOLUTELY YOURS. I HAVE COFFEE HERE. YOU ARE DRINKING BLACK COFFEE. Stephen: BLACK COFFEE, BABY DOLL. COOL CUP IN EVERY ACT. A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE AT EVERY ACT? Stephen: JUST A COUPLE SIPS. CLEANSE THE FRIEND AND ENLIGHTEN THE MIND. ONLY her WATER? ONLY WATER FOR ME AND TREMENDOUS ANXIETY, YES. (LAUGHTER) ALWAYS -- Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY?

I HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY. Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE HER TO REALLY KNOW YOU. OH! (LAUGHTER) AHHH. ..she IS A VERY GOOD QUESTION. Stephen: THANK YOU. IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE MY TIME? I KNOW WE'RE IN A NETWORK -- Stephen: I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE HERE. GIVE ME 15 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, JIMMY. OK. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Stephen: WHILE WE WAIT FOR A RESPONSE, A REMINDER TO OUR AUDIENCE, JOHN MULANEY WAS ASKED, "WHY IS YOUR ANXIETY?" DON'T YOU WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU? (LAUGHTER) SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I TRIED TO BE FUNNY FOR ADULTS.

I mean, my mom said, "When you were a baby, you used to stick your head out of the blankets." AND SHE SAID, "IT WAS LIKE YOU KNEW HOW TO BE CUTE." SHE SAID IT FLATTERRINGLY. SHE SAID, "HE'S STRANGE, IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING." I THINK I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD PROVIDE THAT TO PLEASE PEOPLE. SO, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE IDEA OF THEY WOULD LIKE ME JUST LIKE ME WITHOUT REMOVING THE BLANKET, METAPHORICALLY, IS A REAL THOUGHT OR CONCERN. Stephen: FOLLOW UP QUESTION, MR. MULANEY. (LAUGHTER) FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, MR. MULANEY. THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR RESPONSE IS THE NEED TO BE NICE.

RIGHT. Stephen: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET TO A STAGE WHERE YOU CAN BE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE IF HE LIKES YOU OR NOT? UM, I DON'T WANT TO TURN HIM AGAINST YOU, BUT -- Stephen: BUT. HOW... CAN I... HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU AT IN YOUR PROCESS OF HER IN... OR DO YOU HAVE A PROCESS IN TERMS OF BEING IN THE PUBLIC EYE, BEING VERY FUNNY, AND COMING HOME AND FACE STEPHEN IN THE MIRROR? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE). (Applause) THOSE AT 4:00 A.M. MOMENTS, YOU KNOW. (SIGH) Stephen: I HAVE COME TO A PLACE WHERE I DON'T WANT MUCH FROM THE AUDIENCE OTHER THAN TO MAKE THEM LAUGH AND MAKE A CONNECTION WITH MY INTERNAL ANSIETIES, AS I EXPRESS THEM EXTERNALLY THROUGH THE JOKE, WHEN IT MAKES THEM LAUGH, I GET THE SENSE OF COMRADIETY AND COMMUNITY THAT I AM NOT CRAZY FOR FEELING THIS WAY, BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT LAUGH UNLESS THEY RECOGNIZED IT IN SOMEONE ELSE.

GOOD. Stephen: IT COULD BE ANXIETY ABOUT LIFE OR DEATH OR WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEWS TODAY. AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE WHO I KNOW DON'T THANK ME. BECAUSE OF THE SOMETIMES DIVISIVE NATURE OF THE JOKES THEY MAKE. OH, okay. Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT I WANT? RIGHT. THAT FEELS PERSONAL. Stephen: IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING... NO, WHAT FEELS PERSONAL IS THE CONNECTION I MAKE WITH PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE JOKES. AND BEYOND THAT I AM JUST DOING MY JOB, AND I DO NOT WISH HARM TO ANYONE. AND IF SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I DO, I DON'T LIKE THAT, BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL. (Applause and applause) THAT'S A... THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT STATE TO BE IN. Stephen: IT'S PRETTY GOOD. THAT'S VERY GOOD, YES. I THINK I'M COMING OUT OF A SHOCK WHERE... DO YOU KNOW THE VELVET UNDERGROUND SONG "I'LL BE YOUR MIRROR"? Esteban: YES. I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG. I REALIZED THAT WHEN LISTENING TO IT NO ONE ELSE CAN BE YOUR MIRROR. YOU JUST HAVE TO NOT GIVE UP WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU TO BE WHAT YOU ARE. AND THIS... I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO WHAT I JUST WORKED ON, BUT I WAS WORKING WITH THESE 8 TO 13 YEAR OLD KIDS, AND I THOUGHT OH, I REMEMBER BEING THAT AGE, AND THAT'S THE STATE I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN.

BECAUSE THEY WERE VERY KIND. THEY WERE VERY THOUGHTFUL. AND THEY ALSO KNEW THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES BECAUSE THEY WERE CHILDREN. AND THEY SAID... A CHILD TOLD ME: "YOU KNOW, MY MOM GETS VERY ANGRY WHEN I SCORE BELOW 90 ON A TEST." I SAID A 90 IS GREAT. WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM TO PULL DOWN?" ​​YOU KNOW. AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE IF I DID THAT, I WOULD BE THRILLED." AND I THOUGHT, RIGHT. YOU'RE A PERSON, LIKE ME, YOUR FEELINGS ARE THE SAME. THEY HAVE THE SAME VALIDITY. BUT YOU KNOW PEOPLE SAY, "NOW YOU'RE GOING TO KARATE CLASSES!" AND THEN YOU'RE SUDDENLY IN KARATE.

Stephen: RIGHT. RIGHT? FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS I THOUGHT I COULD CONTROL MY KARATE CLASSES LIFE. BUT YOU CAN'T, EVEN AS AN ADULT, EVEN AT 37 YEARS OLD IF YOU'RE ME. Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. YOU STILL WILL DO IT SOMETIMES THEY PUSH YOU INTO A CAR AND TELL YOU YOU'RE TAKING DANCES BALLROOM (LAUGHTER) Stephen: DID YOU TAKE BALLROOM DANCES? I TOOK... I TOOK BALLROOM DANCES FOR MY WEDDING. BOTH MY BROTHER AND SISTER TOOK IT WHEN THEY WERE 10 AND 11, I THINK. YOU WENT TO TOICA TILLIONS AND STUFF. Stephen: I DID IT. AND YOU LEARNED BALLROOM DANCING FOR THEM. Stephen: I DID IT.

AND YOU STILL KNOW IT. Stephen: Yeah. I WOULD SAY YES I WOULD GIVE A SPEECH TO THE HOOLERS, AND NO ONE IS ASKING FOR THIS, I SAID: "YOU, LEARN TO DANCE." I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE UNTIL... I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BALLROOM DANCE UNTIL I WAS 33. AND THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO DOESN'T DANCE. SO LEARN TO BALLROOM DANCE. THAT WOULD BE MY ENTIRE SPEECH TO THE GRADUATES, IF I GAVE ONE. ( LAUGHTER ). Stephen: THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO DOESN'T DANCE. YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE.

THAT'S CORRECT. THE GUY WHO SAYS, "I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE FOR AN HOUR WHILE EVERYONE IS DANCING." JUST LEARN A CASH STEP AND EXIT. Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK. I HOPE YOU STAY. I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN WITH MORE JOHN MULANEY.