Jimmy's Bedroom Advice (EXCLUSIVE) | Jimmy Carr - Telling Jokes

oh, you're probably wondering why i asked you to come over tonight. I wanted to talk to you about relationships, sex and love, and I wanted to give you some

advice

, yes, because it's good to talk about that kind of thing and everyone can. identify with him because he's in a happy relationship yes or wants to be in a happy relationship yes or all or maybe he's coming over to eat and live with too many cats or happily single as you call it so he's going to give you some relationship

advice

and you know something like that i thought we could talk to the single men first who is the single men let us know mmm he said the single men yes thats probably why you are single its ok if you are on a date with a woman tell her you feel something for her don't tell her it's a boner walk her home don't follow her surprise her don't wear a ski mask offer to pay for dinner don't offer to pay for anything else unless it's Tracy the one where the guy is a bag of chips you'll get your games it's a good indicator that a woman likes you when you talk to her she touches her hair it's pubic hair it's a quest women like the strong and silent type that's because when we're quiet they think we are listening how you are ladies can be a bit depressing being a single man can be a bit boring a date with a guy about two months ago they are having dinner across from each other the main course the lasagna arrives when it happens it's ok he leans into her plate takes a huge bit of l asagna but eats it without saying anything does it again about 30 seconds later, another huge bite would eat it from his plate.

He does it for the third time mmm. All he said was: what are you doing? He came back with this. He said: I am paying for an eye. I know the reason. I think it's an inspiring story. she still can't believe he's lucky he went to bed and ate half a lasagna. Does anyone really have a date tonight? I can see some people I think might be dating but I don't know it will embarrass you because dating is anxious enough anyway its full of anxiety. just being on a date because you don't know when you'll come in for the kiss, you don't know how it will end later, they're just weird and awkward, so I'd like to break the ice for you, if I am, I'll break the ice for you, yeah, why not suggest that in the handicap bathroom that's what they drop?

That's why they have a handrail for a more exotic position. Don't look at me like that in my defense. when I was there I was a and I'm 90% sure it was consensual, how was it? Yes, but that's Parkinson's for you. sex the mile-high club is a good example, any member of the mile-high club itself doesn't count on its own, you know? Oh right, no, the mile high club making love on a plane, yeah, sounds exotic and glamorous, doesn't it? But what you're really saying is we're in a chemical toilet, obviously there's a cheap version for you on the top deck of a bus touching your fingers. you're paying attention it's all in the wrist don't go in with that hand you'll fall on yourself you stick out your shoulder keep that hand free to fine this is falling we're learning that men and women are different now i know we all know that in our heads, but the more they accept it in their hearts, I think the better, the easier life is. we know what you're doing in there ladies what's this funny loofah smell?

Some tips for the ladies. I do not do it. think if i was pronounced sexy run ladies if a man says he likes foreign porn movies if a man says he enjoys long walks in the countryside it could mean he is a sold out romantic he is more likely saying they will never find your body when women go out on a first date men don't like that we love it yeah you know I read something that said 98% of men are happy to have sex on a first date how happy we are high fives with strangers on a night bus well of course a lot of women don't want to have sex on the first date even if they want to have sex on the first date because they think if they have sex on the first date it makes them scum or a slot machine or something well not anymore ladies you're going to have to do more than that to be scum these days am i right tracy?

I'm just saying a black eye having first date sex just means you want to have first date sex that's all it means to be us like these days you're going to have to do a lot more I have friends it's like my friend Louise she was a scum she has five children from seven different fathers she has a speech impediment that prevents her from saying no what i said to the speech impediment she actually has a mouth problem she is such a scum the council cuts her unattractive books to you it makes you question your sexuality i'll explain because to me it would be like Gillian McKeith you know woman by how clean your poop is you weird looking creature so if you put Gillian McKeith in there Brad Pitt in there and you. he told me your life depends on it you have to do it with one of them you have to do the beast with two backs do the sticky belly i think Ryan is a straight man Gillian his wife Killian is oh jesus da here is it that bad?

Does that make me half rice half fries? You were right, well let me give you a moral dilemma. got for Ann Widdecombe you're crazy she's got a face like a bulldog licking the piss off her collar she's hell sighs you're a slip of a boy she got you into her lies only where your troubles begin 'cause I guess her bag of color halala peach has foo-foo she Wendy, a special garden for ladies, call it what you want. I bet it looks like a badger that's been shot with a shotgun. Clooney is the prettiest you've ever seen.

Why did you spit on the spit? You suggested like Double Tees and Widdecombe with George Clooney. Now that's a celebrity sex tape that would sell. Someone said the other day, Marcus, someone was just as macho as you were the other day. they went to oh yeah ann widdecombe just put a bag on that has it really ever happened ladies how low your self esteem would have to be for you to be a guy just gone and them just how spencer chats blind let's do some chat lines, okay? obviously the best cut upline is, will you hold my pint while I go for a Steve for everyone and he's brilliant?

Kara blind if you were a soup what a soup taste well I think that's out there with just this smell of chloroform to you and the Evergreen let's not turn this rape into a murder mmm the problem with china blinds is you know if they're going to work almost immediately you know right away if the girls think you're a jerk or buy us a drink that's fine so I've written something abort quest lines for you so you might be in the middle of a conversation scenario and you can abort the mission if you think it's going wrong so you won't like this you would say do you want to dance?

I should have a face like thunder Would you go Can you take your seat? Did you hurt yourself when you fell from the sky? Because it looks like you fell on your face. I have never seen a more beautiful woman in my life. Mom tell her you have half an hour to get your coat. I got to wait where you probably don't have a coat. Girls your size tend not to feel the code and my personal favorite. Save this for someone special. Your father must have been a thief because you look like a. Let's talk about gifts because gifts are very. important when you're in a relationship show your partner how you feel about them this is interesting my girlfriend suggested last christmas we limit ourselves to £20 for each other's gifts but i wasn't thinking of spending that much obviously if you buy gifts for a woman is pretty easy just go for the classics you know champagne chocolates flowers unless you're dating a bulimic alcoholic with hay fever i buy my girlfriend flowers every week because i really like the girl at the flower shop i gave her said the girl at the flower shop my girlfriend is dead i thought it was a good idea at the time it was a bit counterproductive you try to explain to your other half you have or a crown four weeks in a row obviously different flowers express different emotions eg flowers The red ones say passion, the yellow flowers say love and the flour says make me a cake, my girlfriend recently said that we need to There's some romance in our lives, so I took the hint, booked a hotel, flowers, chocolate, champagne. petals in bed the full part ended up having amazing sex of course it turned out she wanted me to take her whats the point i live with her she will be there when i get back but love catalan and i am not saying i feel cheated but when we got together, she told me that I am very liberal with sex.

I don't care what people do, as long as they're consenting adults, so no one gets hurt, so there was a couch there. no one gets hurt by consenting basically no fun right some sex advice let's try to be adults about this yes gentlemen if you're having sex with a new partner for the first time never rush it I know what you like you want to give a good first impression but you dont really want to go on a date many women dont like if you keep your socks on during sex but i always keep one on because i dont want to have a show hmm some women dont like to have the lights on but can't help in my case because they come on automatically when i open the car door and then stay on for 20 seconds so that's it, isn't it a vice?

This is more of a reminder and it is a reminder for men in the long run. Relationships Cass standards can drop as a relationship progresses, just a reminder for men in long term relationships, it's never okay, yeah, it's never okay, yeah, to answer the phone when making love, even if you answer hilariously saying A Car Talk now I'm leaving. in a tunnel some common myths you may have heard these just aren't true the best lube for anal sex it's not the tears it's the blood goes if you're going to have sex I can't stress this enough if you're going to have sex with someone who you don't know always always always ask, let's talk about sexual health, STDs, sti and the like, because there is a world of difference, my young friend, between giving a girl goosebumps and giving her a ram.

Have you all seen the ad? girls have aids written in a brown chlamydia written on their panties well thats no way to tell your partner its chlamydia though thats the one you want to get thats the gold standard of sti its the best . I was talking to a friend who is a decent doctor he said chlamydia is widespread and the worst thing is there are no symptoms I said how come even a disease he said it can make a woman infertile I said I'll throw these condoms away so what would that be the only way i could get chlamydia? better as if download is pizza women are thinking it's disgusting and men are thinking it would be brave can you just point out that there are a lot of young women where they can fit in to the point where it's totally social?

It's very acceptable for young women to

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y condoms in their bag or purse of course it is but a young man

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ying a coil is rare you know coil contraceptive works no I'll explain think about me as a nice guy the same way the coil contraceptive device works is the lady tells the man i have a piece of metal coiled up somewhere in my pajamas and the man gets the idea that you have some sour metal where there's any chance of a gob job let's talk about breakups because breakups can be hard, isn't it you, is it me? for the silent treatment we call it peace and quiet.

I don't know, it sounds misogynistic, but I think breakups are easier for women than men because I think women have a support network of friends and family that they really talk to about their real emotions that men are going to. break up to fall back on all we have is our partners, try

telling

your partners that a girl broke your heart and your partners are more likely to not go well, it's better because you're clearly a tip off that I had recently happened with my friend Russell, he broke up with his wife, they've been married for four years together for six and she left him for another man, what do you say?

I don't have the vocabulary to end that kind of emotional conversation. Going back to the old clichés I said there are a lot more fish in the sea He said yes but it's not just the smell What I miss well on that uplifting cerebral note Anyone have any questions or queries about sex or relationships? Anything you need to know. I like reverse cowgirl but you know I'm old fashioned that way whats your lord various I think I can yes I figure why it's just that all I might stand I know yes treat yourself why not what wouldn't I do that my lady would ask me to stop people with tourette syndrome what originally motivated it was suicide bombers.

I've toned it down for you.