Jimmy Roasting The Audience - VOL. 2 | Jimmy Carr

There are a lot of clichés about gypsies, maybe you can help me with this, sir, have you ever hit the track to drive? No, of course not, just take the tank and leave the paved block. Yes, in my opinion, that would be the same as me. I love the fact that you made a distinction, never paved driving, no paved blocks, some Verdun. I can't imagine what you mean. What is your name? Lee, hello Lee, very much, yes, nice to meet you, no, it's lovely to have you around. I've taken it the right way. I made that joke at a concert a couple of weeks ago so when I make that joke I have to pick someone from the

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so what I do is I look around quickly and pick someone for me it's like riding a bike I love it swearing I'm always so sorry what is that I missed a bit of chat it's not the TV if you're talking I can hear now you look angry are you thinking I didn't press the red button it's all interactive what were you saying continue say it I thought what you just said I thought that you were talking about the snake bite the drink yeah, what happened was okay in a joke a joke is like two stories, yeah, and the first story makes you Make an assumption about something, so the assumption that people made about the snake bite in that joke was that it was a snake biting you, that's the setup of the joke, so you assumed he was talking about a snake bite, a snake biting someone in the second part. of the joke often known as the punchline, what you will find is that the rug will be pulled out from under you and you will realize that the assumption you made was wrong and you will suddenly reveal a fact that was previously hidden: the nature of all the sentences witty Badham, so in essence I was talking about both snake bites, what happens when a snake bites you, and also about drinking, no problem at all, it's lovely to help, it's good to have you here tonight because Think about one of the charity concerts.

I helped pay for the minibus that brought you here. It's good to see the money wasn't wasted. Oh, bless him a little, what are you doing with the rest of the show? your dad to save your mom I don't know why you look submissive say it's easy for girls it's ugly imagine it's a factor imagine that my dad bothers you, but he's not attractive, he got

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ied away maybe five years ago, TRUE? Sir, he's there, oh, hello, so if he wants me on skis, his mom is here too. Great, we can do a proper test. Now I have snipers around this building and they are pointing a gun at your mother.

If we. You are going to kill her Your mother has been taken hostage They are going to kill her We would like you to bomb your father Yes, of course, it's hard not to say that you wouldn't come soft, that's fine, you say, let her die, I'm sorry, wait your roll, we know in Norfolk what you boo, you're booing a man who says he wouldn't burn my dad, take a moment to think about that, okay, then you've made your decision, sorry, sorry mom, okay , mom, that's it. Your daughter, same question for you. I love my work.

What point do you think there is in a family that disobeys? A good sight to see. Never mind that The Lion King we take the kids to see a proper show where we openly discuss incest. couple of a couple of older gentlemen how old do you say he looks a little older than you? 70 well, 70 is quite old. I think so, good to have you here sir, good age range, what do you do well? I earned it, frankly, some of these slackers, but it was different in your time, it was this 70's thing about you loving the anti-German cell phone, yeah, yeah, you know what PC or not, we won it fair and square.

What I was going to say was me. I've been told this, have you ever told anyone? Yes, the problem with your generation, you think you invented sex. Have you ever said that to anyone? No, yes, my grandfather told me, he said, the problem with you, do you think? you invented sex. I said why did my grandfather ever put Nana in his ass. Turns out he had that's what killed her. What's up with that? And don't you dare be offended by that, yes, you know it because of his being. a 70 year old man, I bet you were crazy because in the war, Jesus, there was a war, I bet you had more poontang in those years, yeah we could all die tomorrow, it's the best Childline in the world who you're here with, she looks mortified.

I'm glad I can apologize for the last bit of material about Grandpa having anal sex in the future because I imagine the reason I created it is the longest drive home ever err, Dad. I enjoyed the show, let's never talk again. Oh, you. hair why am I just saying I like spy skills as much as the next man but you know I can't help but notice that you have a tattoo on your butt, what's your tit, isn't it really? attention-grabbing what exactly is that is a rose like the tits aren't fun enough as they are she thought I'll brighten up these things no guy is going to like these what's a guy like that like?

Like flowers, right? Yes. You will receive a flower, don't you think what you like, what kind of things you look like or you will fly like cars, guns and tanks? Get a nice tank tattoo on your toe. Beautiful, it could be, you know, and not with that. Sherman flowers at him unless he's secretly gay and I'll be honest, there are a lot of earrings and spiky hair. Well, what happened there? You were saying you liked my joke. Thank you so much. Probably noise since I was chatting with these men they were having. a conversation in front of you, but okay, you have caught my attention now, what do you do, ma'am?

You work for the entire country in human resources. I imagine she's been telling people, well, she's fired, while we're obviously done. the country is fine for you Human Resources the lady Science is the important thing in a relationship trust that many women say they trust any other cricket cooking cooking is the most important thing a young acai of a quantum leap if you just arrived here since 1970 cooking is Most importantly in a relationship, have you ever made a commitment by giving someone a bread maker? Well, sorry, no, grow up, who are you in a relationship with, you're my little pony, latest sexual fantasies, anyone has one, they wouldn't care.

Admit to Jessica Alba that she is a specific person you would like to have sex with. I know Jessica Alba works a lot for charity, maybe my girlfriend, well, maybe we could double team. My girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy, yes people. I see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only dating you because you're famous and I say goodbye and famous what's your point is your girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not going to trade okay they arrested you for blinking well don't you take it out on me, what do you mean? You got arrested for flashing, go prepare this, I like you, what were you going to do?

Set the scene for us. I've never met anyone who blinked. pissing in an elementary school I got into a parking lot okay, in a parking lot outside you're going to pee in shorts late at night okay, okay, you crashed into a tree, turns out that wasn't true, I was a fat girl , go on, so you went up to a tree to pee on a rug this doesn't sound terrible so far I'm on this side of the guys, go on, there was a woman in the trees who says you broke persecution etiquette by urinating on someone. , so you want to go pee in a tree and there was a woman in the tree, she was walking well and she was outside a police station, kind of an idiot, is that you?, she went to pee in the parking lot of the station Police, why don't you turn around?

Yourself, that's a cry for help, if I ever heard one, I got locked up before I hurt anyone and what did she scream? Did she come out? What happened to her? They came out and arrested you for indecent. Is it because you're a little redhead? Do you believe? They would have let you go if you hadn't been quire. I'm sorry about these lights too, we could be giving you skin cancer. Sorry, I can't help but notice that you look quite young. How many years are you looking for? I ask you, I'm sorry, you're 13 years old and you did it, did you get that joke about self-care?

I can only explain to you the offer backstage, the most natural thing in the world and you, who are you here with your dad? You're fine with this crap. Aren't you sir, okay with this level of filth? I could give you some good news is that he has calmed down. The bad news is that he will have to go to care. He is not very responsible. I was reading the instructions. for Viagra it says stay away from children I thought what kind of man do you think I have that can't maintain an erection well with a child the fact that the child clapped very loudly I see that there is a child in a green t-shirt? shirt you're a kid I'm leaving yeah finally someone who can get hard with me maniac how old are you?

Sergey, mommy, asking, you're 14, right? I can't talk to you anymore, it will be an arrangement, are you here? your mom Oh, mom's little party look at the map I'll tell you talk to me tonight you won't sing you're single don't panic I have some advice if you really like a girl than you asked her out and she says I love you like to a brother, suggest a weekend in Norfolk unless you're from Norfolk in which case it's probably your sister then you're from Norfolk, you don't look like you from the hook, you're from the set. foot in Norfolk and it's that your sister is a girlfriend and you're here with your sister not really not on Saturday night and my sister she's attractive Have you ever asked how many questions do you think you think your sister is attractive?

Can I ask? Do you think she is attractive or not? Okay, give me one that's really low. I'm sorry, what about you? Love. I can't believe it. He is from Norfolk and the sister of his son. I couldn't be more surprised that you didn't bring your mother. Oh wonderful, imagine your family trees in a straight line. It's just a piece of wood. Sorry, I may misjudge this. It looks like there's going to be a brief fight after the concert. I figure I'll be losing. What is your name, Mr. Helpful? It is neither. regular name you don't hear that every day I imagine you do your name what you do useful you're filming what you're studying economics whereabouts Royal Holloway well maybe if it worked a little harder for your levels Just say it's Royal Holloway it's not I mean Come on, there are universities that have always been universities, they were universities they used to be polytechnics which then became universities and then there's Royal Holloway which I think used to be a 24 hour garage, didn't it?

God loves you all, you're gone, you have the best of the moment I know you don't remember, but that's the wonder of rohypnol, believe me, it was magic when you're good, no, no, now you're saying you're. well that's great I'll leave my DVD and your mom and I can see the man next to you by the way you are yourself he's right it's mahatmas excellent it's good to get a good review I tell you what it's embarrassing to get stuck in the fly of another man's pants, could you move a little? Well, I think you're encouraging others.

What is your name? Adam. I better ask Jenna. Hello, Gemma. Is there any chance you can take out the Chinese love balls for a minute? She seems to be on the verge of orgasm at all times I've seen it in movies I know what you do Gemma you're a cheerleading coach the easiest job in the world I think if I'm not mistaken there is a new name for cheerleading coach, however isn't there there? Don't we call it toilet now? So who does? Who are they encouraging? Has a team for What's the Fury Jams is a term for menstruation.

There is a cheerleading team called Fury Jams which I love now I have the fury jams and you teach people how to cheer. Look, these are adults from ten to sixteen years old. It's okay, and you understand them too. I'm pretty sure he's an expert. There are many showers. There are more showers than you imagine. new cheerleading dvds im somewhat of a connoisseur i have a collection and mostly they like to get soapy let's move on but she looks lovely nice to meet you with your hilarious laughs it's contagious i like it thank you so much for coming thank you and thank you so much so much for cheering, thank you for helping to our young people, it's valuable work that you do, I said to my girlfriend, I said to her on Saturday, how would you like to go shopping with the girls, get some new shoes, do your hair in a different style and then leave?

I went out to have a couple bottles of Chardonnay. She said it sounds great. I said fine, because we're going to separate.