Jimmy Carr's Guide To The UK | Jimmy CarrJun 03, 2021
I was giving a concert a couple of weeks ago. I spoke to a girl at the front and asked her where she was from. She said I'm from outside of Birmingham. driving through a very rough area of south london or a big police sign on the side of the road, a big yellow and black thing, it said violent crime here tuesday, can you help? I appreciate the turnip and the communities together, but I don't even approve of it. I think it happened to me a couple of weeks ago in North London, near where I live? I was walking home at 11:30 at night and this young man about 15 or 16 years old runs out of an alley at high speeds, he is out of breath and panting and clearly distraught, just help me and my mayor being mugged ok calm down breathe of course i will help me and my mate we are getting mugged and he the welsh in any bulk. oh, that's quite a few where we seem to have contained the problem.
I love the Wels. h I like the Welsh language and I like the Welsh language because it was clearly made up by a father who lost at Scrabble it's clear what happened there that's not a word it starts with three L's which is a fucking word how do you pronounce it I was in the North Wales last year was in Llandudno. Is someone Peter Llandudno? If he doesn't know, he doesn't have to answer I'll ask him. Does anyone measure Llandudno? Some of you, but it's a lovely city. a show come on stage i came out i said it's lovely to be in Llandudno this boy front and center where you're sitting there with your face like thunder when it's not land isn't it you fucking fool? its plan not in wales double beer is pronounced with a sea i said ok dont be a lunt when i was at school the girl named alice killed a dog for three cigarettes i know what youre thinking how did she get a dog the cigarettes? terrible reputation in the bedroom we always say the wrong t I remember once I had a one night stand with a girl and after sex she turned to me and jokingly said who is going to sleep in the wet area.
I said that you are optimistic. I will not stay. This is a good story about the bad. British men are in bed. I have a friend who went on vacation to IB who was about 25 at the time and picked up a girl. He took her back to the villa. They made love under the moonlight on the veranda. It sounds quite romantic. think like a scenario but he managed to do it don't worry about it she turned to him said talk dirty to me no more precisely talk dirty to me he had a couple of seconds to think okay gentlemen you all have a couple of seconds just go to the place where your head the little rolodex of dirt next to the straw bank usually you know you've got something smarter you could get out pretty quick everybody's got something right had a few seconds to think he came up with the following, he's got some of that new fat slang, fat scum , I imagine ine quickly followed why you're crying in terms of romance it's right up there with willie he won't suck himself i'm not saying women aren't so bad women can be so bad once a month i had sex with an australian girl, he said mid intercourse as he said, have you lost weight, but have you still lost weight, ghostbusters?
I have always liked to swear. pretend they don't swear terms like shit we all know what it means but it's a nicer way of saying it now i have a story about this obviously a wedding with my friend craig he's scottish he swears alot yeah i don't I need to say both anyway we're all dressed and shod at this very fancy wedding on our best behavior he leans across the table says sorry my french i thought we're in trouble here turns out i know you don't i speak french you barely speak english , it's just that I'm sorry for my French, but we all know that Paul is an e. ffing that's the part of the sentence that needed cleaning there.
I tell you what I think we are out as a nation. I think we are terrible at languages. Why at one point we had an empire? I think our arrogance has an empire because we know we have sailboats and we go out all over the world trying to buy things to bring back and show off. That's what you do on your vacation. we reached the shores of a foreign land we got out of the boat and said i would like to buy some spices please i am not getting anything here jeremy said a little louder fudge what i would like to buy some spices please still nothing good i'll go get the muskets, we'll build a railroad and 200 years ago, I'm a call center, very much a shortened version of Empire, but that's what happened.
I have another story about how bad we are at the languages I was doing. some stuff last year about the riots all over paris the french rioting is funny oh quick pierre have a water cannon if we're not careful we'll get washed away and i wanted to check ahead and i offended someone so What did I say, are there French in anyone? i yelled yes sir i thought that was a new kind of stupid because he is spanish is y'all drinking tonight ladies gents are you drinking yes boy do i like to drink ? I'd rather be drunk than get drunk. i'm drunk the drinks but no one has ever ordered a sober retort is a good example you know that weird pink liquid no one has ever ordered so the designated driver has never walked into a bar and thought ok I can have a drink honour that have. beer they have wine they have spirits i don't want a replica pipette please the same with the flaming sambuca have you ever ordered me one of those sober have you have ordered a flaming sambuca sober is your drink you ask for flaming sambucas the clue why i shouldn't order one ma'am it's the fact that it's on fire if the equivalent of walking into a kitchen left a bit thirsty like a glass and tap and then peeking around the corner I a gas cooker the only reason I could possibly think of for ordering a flaming sambuca when you're sober is if you meet a girl and it's something a little special yeah maybe you've gone on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's smart she's funny you think you might be in love with her if you think she might be the one but she has a little problem with facial hair on top that might be an awkward thing to bring up much better.
I think I'll buy her a drink: flaming sambucas please, no, not so much for you, you know, are you doing flaming sambucas as one, how about a little fun? oh sure sorry sorry so sorry i was just asking sort of a london audience do you drink flaming sambucas when you're sober if i do? I thought there were people from Newcastle, would have said what do you like to drink to get in the mood for a fight, so what are you here in the? Rob all the best places in Newcastle I can imagine where you're going now I've been a comedian for about 10 years.
I've been doing this job for about 10 years and I thought this year I thought this year I'd try to improve a bit, not a far-fetched idea, one of the things I was pretty weak at was the regional accent. Is anyone here good with regional accents? I could barely say the word yes they're so good at speaking no matter what the accents but I wasn't good at doing regional accents and it's one of those things that as a comedian it's pretty good if you could be good with regional accents because you're good at tell jokes but i thought ok i'll go i'll do some research tonight i'd like to give you a master class in regional accents because i've figured out the secret and the secret is this all you need is one key phrase to get started in the regional dialect and then you're golden one once you get started once you get in your head you're good but starting can be tricky so i'll start with what i'll start with Scouts any scousers on god the scouts are there.
Where is this launcher? I am not going to tell you that they benefit from away leeches the phrase I use to do scouting acts and this is the phrase I have in my head to start on these Alton chicken and mechanical cows or Walton chicken and a phone call Alton chicken in a tapered Awesome chicken in mechanics the little head little head only appears if you say a few times Awesome chicken and I can call ok let's make the scousers feel at home we go all three Alton chicken and a tapered okay one two three fantastic Birmingham now obviously obviously that's just to get you started once you start then you could say something correctly or authentically skin an amazing chicken and the chemist.
I go to Rob. I have to get a Prezi. It's me. Grandma's birthday. She is thirty years old. belleville you are built belfast where is belfast hey belfast this is the phrase i used to get the right belfast accent ginger and community the scary look is optional we think it helps changer and community a community has more syllables than you thought it had ok let's all try let's belfast a ginger and community one two three now you're all qualified to say there's a bomb in the killjoy car roller coaster oompa loompa kawasaki for nonsense unrelated words in all respects other than if you're trying to do the accent from Geordie, in which case they're a gift roller coaster Mulumba Kawasaki in set Ruler course tar bar school Barney Jordi knows presumably they're outside shirtless fighting I wonder what the lads are doing, well we should reach out to the Walsh people in omg we have an army hello now i found out the secret of the welsh accent isn't so much or a phrase, it's more of a mood to do a good Welsh accent, you just have a muddled sound. se Court is that jacket whose shoes are those slippers everything is trying to wash Court is that jacket whose shoes are those slippers look at those two houses the one in the middle is mine that paper you're sitting on you're reading that I went out of the shop and it wasn't there my bike no one from manchester no one from manchester manchester spread boners pretty easy for manchester you just need three words side ok not bad ha ha her one of my best friends is from manchester her name is ally she got her name from where he was conceived any scottish town we have hello scottish living the stereotype everything you love obviously destroy shacks importing the best phrase to use is there has been a murder the property has probably been living in scotland of course the main benefits are unemployment and the dwelling See, the scousers ears stand upright like a mere Chafee cap.
There's a bit of a drinking problem in Scotland. I hope you don't mind that I say yes. Thanks, you wouldn't believe the drugs were about to hit Scotland. You are from poor William. I am for drugs on drugs in Scotland. I have no calls on methadone. I can't believe it's not heroin. I think the easiest accent in the UK is West Country because West Country is just a pirate. net of voices who can't do a pirate voice ah, i have a date with my sister, oh, my mom doesn't know, i'm cheating on her, are there people from the west country who won't patronize? it would be a little pleasure for you to see his ham with five fingers now it won't be the phrase if i were to try and do the birmingham accent what would be the phrase for birmingham it wouldn't be the thing if it was going to be alright alright the other phrases seem to come up a lot in Birmingham sucks well it sucks any other phrase is for Birmingham what else what was that what was all that what was it?
Hey, all good now and you're a stroke. She said she really shouldn't joke about the stroke survivor. my face are there any other words any other catchphrases for birmingham watery koopa - how you are poorly educated you have other exotic accents in the rooms someone from abroad or more exciting anyway and no one from the uk than us you have missed anywhere else in the uk jersey you haven't gone accentuate your tax evading scum who knew there was so much aunt jersey feeling she was simmering finally someone said it you're basically french now out does anyone ask what?
Different accent, we haven't covered Essex, sultry milf, scum, scum. I thought we put a price on you, you're sure, so I'll block it. n much good dammit let's see with him totally frugal cricket my favorite Yorkshire phrase is tin tin tin which means he ain't in the teen Tin Tin Tin Tintin who do we have an Aussie who is straight up? Give us a chance Ronnie man you still there where you at Julian I could do it easily the prime minister or the president I can never remember but I could do it away from home away from home careful you're acting like a fucking Hoon mate, Oh, arrogant, reports that GLE is never the time.
Aries, would you worry about an Aussie you from Melbourne so you wouldn't be affected by the flood? Is that why you start so high? Well, you take a chance, but I'm going to let your people know that people lost everything in the flood because they had forgotten to tie up their kangaroos. What was that? You are Chinese. You don't really sound Chinese sir with you and I think if I had a Chinese accent now would you know it would be a knock? about a seal, a system, well,It took you a long time, I was there, I got it, any other Jamaican, you know, my name you are aware of this, oh well, this would be your pleasure.
I like everyone in the room now to say my name in a Jamaican accent 1 2 3 I'm Jamaica bumbaclot you have some bumbaclot sin gone oh damn minute any other dublin where's the dublin hi i saw the documentary about your weddings i thought that was cool it's my phone you know i'm a plastic paddy what they call a plastic paddy from irish parents irish passport born in ireland but i speak and present myself this way because i was raised and educated in home counties which shows what they can do when applied is my favorite my favorite um my favorite irish joke maybe me maybe only the irish get this joke i'll tell you and see what's the difference between a riot and a gypsy wedding you can't buy a door in such a riot maybe that's just an art you
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