Jeff Dunham - Marriage is like Alcatraz

typical comedian I need help I have a friend up here I think I already enjoy this guy because everyone knows someone like that you know something like that in your own family or where you work please help me welcome Walter good night Walter, shut up, do you know where we are, yeah, I know where we are, I don't give a damn either, I want to get out of here, what we're doing to leave, who the fuck cares, I don't, but you like it. here in Montreal none Claire bon jour, whatever that means, but you don't like it, you like Montreal, yes, there is a lot of drinking here, yes, yes.

Budweiser is considered a soft drink, yes. I was at a bar last night sitting next to a guy, he put away 15 beers before he started acting like an idiot, he didn't try to keep up with him, yet, come on man, I'm an American, I don't need beer to act like an idiot, shut up, no I don't want to stay I want to go I don't care I haven't worried I went last weekend no, I don't want to talk about that it's very nice Walter and his wife went on their second honeymoon yes, like eating a piece of gum you already chewed look, you know what I'm talking about Walter understands that your wife is in the city yes, she is in the city having a great time old man she always has a good time it pisses me off you have been married for 46 years it is true remember the happiest moment of your life , yes, I was 47 years ago, well, do you seem a little grumpier?

Hey, I don't know what it is, maybe too much more in too much bran that should make you live normal hell. I'm about three years old. ahead of schedule, come on, 46 years of

marriage

, what has that done to you? Look at my face, Walter, you make fun of your wife a lot, you know she could be gone forever, one day she stopped making fun of me, you once cheated on her. You know, after

marriage

is supposed to be forever, oh, it's taken too long, so I guess there's been a little bit of arguing, a little bit, what are you arguing about?

She doesn't like it because I never put the toilet seat down again. What do you say she learns to float? What else does she not like? I don't know, I always pick my nose while driving, that's a man's right, damn, why do you pick your nose when you drive because my butt is too? elusive Walter getting married marriage is supposed to be an institution yeah like Alcatraz you can't compare marriage to prison yeah I guess you're right the warden doesn't max out your credit cards so that happens, she did some of that useless nonsense. Do you know what she gave me the other day?

What kind of hair spray? Did you use it on our chihuahua? Turn him into a shih tzu Walter. Do you think about getting older? I do not worry. I still think I want to. go like my uncle Ned, how's that peacefully and while he sleeps, unlike the passengers in his car, sit down, sit down, fuck, damn, you have a fine and then the union engineer 300 million sperm, that's the one did it go through the steering wheel? It's becoming that dead hamsters look good, did you have children? Yes I have kids. If they give you a card for Father's Day.

He said she wasn't actually his father. That's horrible. No. That's what I asked for. Yes. Pretty and stupid. You know what she wanted. Give me what tattoo you got one No, what if you had? Oh, I would have made a beautiful woman's face. Where would you put it on my wife's face? Yes, my wife's company would seek reincarnation. Do you believe in reincarnation? But. Think very carefully if it happens, who did you return to? What would you do? She would come back as my wife and leave me alone Walter, how is your love life? What does sex mean?

Yes, none, none, I thought lovemaking got better with age. To that friend of Marina's, well, do bald men make better lovers? I don't know, I've never made love to a bald man, okay, what the hell is wrong with you, stop looking at me like that, Mr. Walter, what's the difference between just sex and making love? 50 dollars, look, I don't want to get personal, but how many times a week do you and your wife make love? I have to use a decimal to answer this question. Well, do you seem like an agile guy? I mean, what keeps you jumping hemorrhoids, oh, so at your age, hemorrhoids are a problem, no, they're a hobby, what do you think, look, Walter, what do you think about when you make love, staying awake, oh Look, did that guy's wife just push him?

At the airport those treadmills have a huge because Americans are always saying things that there's not much evidence for for years, they say things like we're number one.