Jack Dee - Live At The Apollo (2002)

checkup or whatever, I won't wear a suit because, to be honest, you feel pretty stupid,

jack

et and tie. just no, no pants, no pants, that little thing, the tail of your shirt hanging down there, nice fancy tie, you've got a nice

jack

et, yeah, no pants, no pants, cufflinks, but no pants and no pants. I'm standing there like this, thinking about it, Jesus, you idiot. yes and socks for Christ His socks oh God look at you now look at you with your damn socks and no pants and no pants your jacket and T you deserve everything is going to happen to you now I hope it hurts you know what yeah and then your mind starts to rush because I thought, well, I couldn't really take my socks off, I could take my socks off, could I, because it might look like I was willing to do it or something.

Do you know what I mean? Do you think the doctor will leave? I say no, you know your mind is all over the place, not what's happening, I made a mental note, next time I'll come casually, thank you very much or a t-shirt, what? a fucking nightgown you know you get assfucked you might as well dress up for a party you know what I mean so anyway he's I'm I'm waiting for this to happen and I'm waiting for this to happen I can I hear this noise behind me, okay, I don't know, I thought I was opening a bottle of wine or something crazy, not here, so I put on gloves and looked up like a rating over my head framed on the right and thought, well, that's good. he's a doctor, that's reassuring because now that I think about it, I didn't actually ask him, in fact I didn't ask him, but it's nice to know that he's a doctor and then I got really paranoid.

I thought how do I know that him with the glove on is him with a wh? I haven't seen it before in my life. I've known him for 7 minutes and that's it. I don't know what he is like. I don't know if he had moved, for all I know the doctor could have slipped away and the receptionist sent me anyway, that's a, I'm about to get fingered by a Xerox engineer, that's what's going to happen here , he too well, wasn't he the bastard who would spend the rest of his life being R officers? You know, Jack, did I sew him up like a Kipper once?

You'll never guess what I did to him. I'm gonna catch you. I know Christ, calm down man, calm down, so I calm down and the exam is done correctly and he inserts his finger and he's actually very good at it, not that you know anything wrong, but no, I don't. Don't hang up, I say, I don't mean, I don't mean, well, well, it doesn't mean, what do you think? I go, come with two fingers, I'm in the mood, come on, please, go, go, go and go and he goes. whoa, stay still, stay, I've never been quieter in my life, I, you know what the riot police could use, they could be BR, come on, Sunny, I got you, come on, that's right, that's right, drop your gun , he went away. the gun is gone that's right in the back of the truck there you go I have to go back to get checked you know a lot of things so he has to go and every time I go he's more informal with me oh, he's more relaxed with me where he's talking he's having a conversation he's standing there he's got a finger in my butt he's got a sandwich in his other hand he and what happened I had to take antibiotics for quite a while for a long period of time but it went away up but I thought that you already knew.

I'll share this with the audience because one night there might be someone. I hope I have encouraged you to go and get yourself checked out. CU is not like that, we are not very good at that. Men, that's us, you know we don't like doing that, we'd rather you guys didn't talk about it and women have a much healthier attitude towards the whole thing, they also have a much better forum for everything. women's magazines I'm always struck by that women's magazine full of medical notes and health advice and oh oh my butt hurts what could it be and is it that you know what it's about is out in it's just your body men we don't Like Than men's magazines, we're full of fast cars and gadgets and muscle building, and the closest you get to health advice in a men's magazine is like oh once a month, feel your testicles, whoever wrote that ever has observed a man watching television, that is our main problem.

We simply can't leave him alone for more than a minute at a time. You know, they're probably fine, but this is what caused all the problems with the testicles. You know, as soon as Telly walked in, men just couldn't keep their hands off their necks and that's, it would be an ideal gift for a man, it would be testicles changing the channel, wouldn't they listen to you? You've been a great audience, thank you very much, thank you for coming. I appreciate it, thank you very much, it is very kind, thank you very much. I quickly don't want to rush here so that... this isn't strictly speaking an encore because, as you may have noticed, I didn't actually give you a chance to leave, there's no option here.

Just think, why take that risk? Yes, but thank you very much because you are very kind. We have, we have time to read some of these, so I'll check them out if we can. Why is there a cameraman? taking a photo of your butt too, those are the special features of the DVD, it's my butt, Jack has a small motorcycle through your tie, since we have all given basic consent to be filmed, are we entitled to a share of the royalties? a Jack knows this flowers £40 club tickets £30 night bus £10 the look on his face when you hit your oh please WR that you did obviously do you ever sit on the pavement and dangle your legs over the Edge, okay, come on? deal with it, let's deal with it, yeah, I'm short, okay, I'm short here, I'm a short little ass, they call me, I am, no, I am, I get it all the time walking down the street, yeah , not as big as you tell me because I don't know how big your TV is.

I really have no idea. I don't even want to be tall. Tall people have their own shops and stuff and the high and mighty go high and mighty. You are not you. You're not tall and powerful, you're just a little taller, that's all you are, we don't have shops, we're short and squat, don't we make a big deal of it? Do you know what quackery is? your head we people are just casual, we are, we're short people, we're just casual, we don't have no signs, oh look, don't scratch your butt coming down the stairs, there, Circus Boy, look at you, go, there you are.

You know, and other T people always brag about being tall like it's an achievement, isn't it always? Yes, I'm 6'2. Yes, I'm 6'2. growing so tall well done look at me I'm not an achievement if you are then it's not it's not just how it's like being left-handed you're just a weirdo what is it? What's an Essex girl's favorite can of wine? Let's go to Lakeside Jack, you're sex on legs. I want to give you a good run through later, thanks Neil. P.S. I bet my friend you could do five star jumps on stage for £10 and I'm a bit short on cash, enjoy the walk. what's blue and shags old ladies oh please blue and shags old ladies me and my lucky blue coat who ate all the pies who ate all the pies fat bastard fat bastard you in all the pies the mushrooms really taste like a sailor God, that guy He says He walks into a bar and meets a girl.

She says my name is Car Men because I like cars and men. He says my name is Charlie Beerun. Oh, so I won't read any more of these. I'll go now. Thank you very much for It has been a great audience thank you for receiving you many good evening.