I Catfished My Kid On TLC

again* Ethan (as Mark): I would know how many weirdos there are out there. You do not get it? I pretended to be one for three weeks and flirted with my own daughter! There are a lot of creeps out there, even in your own home. You do not get it? *H3 cough™* (Ethan Klein © 2018) Very good. Let's go home, sit under the gazebo and figure this out. Hila: Ethan. Ethan: Hey, what's up? Hila: I have something I need to tell you. Can you join me? Ethan: 'Okay, sure. Hello, where are we? Hila: I'd like you to meet someone Ethan: Is that okay...?

Hila: This is Ian, he is the host of a show called "I Caught My Own Son!" Ethan: Okay. Why do you tell me that? Ian: Why don't you join us under the gazebo? Hila: I look down, why are you- why are you bringing me under the gazebo? Ethan's Mom: Ethan! Ethan's Dad: What the hell is going on here? Ethan: What are you guys doing here? Dad: Are you crazy, are you crazy? Ian: So, Ethan, Hila, she's not real. Your parents and I created it. Ethan: What are you talking about? We have been together for 10 years. How is that possible?

Ian: You thought you could trust the person on the other side of the screen, but we set out to prove that's not true. Ethan: Is this a joke? I don't understand. What are you saying? Hila, are they telling the truth? Hila: Yes. In fact, they've been telling me what to say. I have this earwig in my ear. Ethan: What to say? That? During sex do they tell you what to say? Hila: All day. Ethan: All day...? Ethan: Come on, this is fucked up, are you guys kidding me right now? Hila: Frankly... Ethan, Ethan: This is a joke, right?

Hila: It's pretty pathetic that you think I would be interested in you. Ethan: You... Hila: I'm CEO. Ethan: We- you're pregnant- ah- you're pregnant! Hila: Yes, I take my job seriously. Ethan: You married me! Hila: And I'll divorce you and keep the green card. Ian: She is very dedicated to her work. *Ethan crying* Ethan: I just thought... She just seemed interested in me and seemed nice... *Ethan snorts* Dad: We've always warned you that there are a lot of weirdos out there, right? Get it? Ethan: Sorry, I just thought... ...it was safe because... We're talking equally. She came to visit and...

Mom: I want to keep you safe and healthy. You are a beautiful snack that girls want! Ethan: And by the way, who the fuck are you? Why are you here? Ian: I wanted to show you how a girl can get a green card nowadays. Ethan: What? Ian: Fake profiles, fake marriage... Ian: Have you for 10 years and then leave. Ethan: What the fuck are you talking about! This is my life! For 10 years? Ethan: You're... for a TV show. This is my life. Who are you? And why do you have a pocket on your sleeve? That's weird, dude!

Ethan: What, are you some kind of predator?! Ian: Come on. Ethan: Just like I predicted, buddy, it's silicone-based lube and a condom. Ethan: What the fuck? Who are you?! And this condom says extra small, dude. Ian: That's a typo. Ethan: That's not a typo! Ethan: It's made for extra small penises! Ian: Please let me put this back in my zipper pocket. Ethan: Why don't you put it on? Why don't you apply it to my ass because I JUST FUCKED YOUR ASS! Why is he here? Here, Hila. Oh my wife who is pregnant with my baby hair, mom and dad, take some lubricant so you can put it in my ass.

Fuck me in the ass! What are you-why are you televising this? Ethan: No shit (gibberish), she loved her. Mom: We're going to make a lot of changes around here. Hila: Am I done here? Ian: Yeah, we're done here. Dad: Things are slippery. *Ethan crying* Subtitles by donnaken15