Happy Fourth of July | Gabriel IglesiasJul 04, 2023
Yeah, man, this country, guys, I love living here in the United States. I can't think of anywhere else. I would like to live. Some people say, well, you're Mexican. Wouldn't you prefer to live in Mexico? I love Mexico. I'm just visiting. I'm just visiting, I like it here, that's why it bothers me a little when people come, do you know what it's like to be a Latin comedian? I go, I don't know, I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino, what's the difference? It's my special that will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo, that's hard, you know Spanish, you speak a little Spanish, that scares people, oh my God, he speaks Spanish, no, don't get me wrong.
I like to watch programming in Spanish. Some of this stuff is really cool, I like the commercials the most because they're always about sex, you don't even know what the product is until, like in the last two seconds, there's always a model coming out very sexy, right, hello , darling, and at the 28th second, right and you're sitting there saying I gotta go get a Pepsi oh yeah, oh my gosh, I have a thing for soda, I love it, man, I know they gave me water, but, oh, soda, I don't even see that right there, uh, excuse me, Pepsi, oh.
No, it's actually diet, which is great. I'm not on a diet and it's funny because people do well, so why do you drink diet soda so you can eat regular cake? I love cake, are you kidding me? By the way, I want to thank all three of you. people who brought me a cake personally I have them behind I thank them very much it was very kind of them the management and the promoters are crazy they are like Gabriel why does everyone bring you cake I go because on TV I talked about Once how much I love cake and people bring it.
My friend Mando got angry and said: Why don't you talk about prostitutes? But yeah, someone asked me before too. They said Gabriel. When you do your special, are you going to do it? Whatever you do about the country, you're going to talk about politics. Well, I'm going to talk first of all about how I love this country and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree that he is not. I don't have to make fun of the president, he does it himself.
He's fine, he does it alone every time he appears on television. I can't wait to hear what he says. have to say especially during press conferences a certain Mr. President asks it's been over a year what is your plan for Katrina we are going to find her Trey and we are going to bring Katrina to justice we have every reason to believe that Katrina is connected to Al Qaeda every Katrina both start with a k, our president was elected. I didn't vote for him, but I didn't vote for the other one either. I was like Bush.
One is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote, but no. We don't vote for presidents, we vote for things like American Idol because it's fun to vote for presidents it's not fun to vote for American history. Banks should do it for presidents, you know, just put both guys on TV for an hour, call it something catchy like who's running. you put this on TV for an hour let him argue 30 minutes after the special you put an 800 number on the screen and say vote well you called the presidential hotline for George Bush press three John Kerry press four other options press five you don't like it none of them press five please wait hahaha I knew you would come back.
I have a bus driver named Dave who has never received any credit and has been working for me for almost 10 years. This man has been successful. he took me to all the comedy shows on time without fail, if I had to describe it to you, okay, Dave looks like the word America, not America, he's about six feet tall, white, has a gray beard and wears a baseball cap. truck driver and has to be one of the hardest working people I've ever met now when I say hard working hey I'm on the road 46 weeks a year so I know the differences.
I fly home every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Dave stays on that bus and he gets to the next city where we meet he works anniversaries holidays special moments Christmas I was with my family Dave drove that bus on the east coast New Years I was with my family Dave was on the east coast driving that bus one of the hardest working people I have ever met. I just want to congratulate you as well as being very hard-working. He is very honest. Now, when I say honest, I don't mean that he does his taxes well. I mean, painfully so. honest, unfiltered, honest, he talks like people used to, he doesn't have time to mince words, he just calls it like he sees it before me.
I used to work with a man named Kenny G. Grammy Award winner, amazing amazing music, um one. The day Kenny G was on the tour bus that Dave was driving and I guess the two got into a little argument and Kenny G used some words that Dave would have preferred he hadn't used and instead of arguing with him, this is what Dave Hmm, he kicked Kenny G off his own bus because he'd rather lose his job than lose his self-respect and that's the man I work with, he's a bad guy, you guys are applauding, but you should have seen the interview, oh man , it was a good one, he looks at me and says, let's make one thing clear.
I don't care who you are, you treat me well, I will treat you well, you pay me on time, you will live, not to mention the fact that he is still. that tour bus is spotlessly clean and he takes a lot of pride in that too one night I was drinking on the bus and I went to put my cup down and I miss the table and the cup fell on the floor. I do not wake up. I immediately grabbed the cup because I thought I'd get up in a couple of minutes and make myself another drink.
I'll take the cup and then Dave sees the cup on the floor and then he looks at me and says, "Hey, I'm out." I'm not sure mom will pick that up, I get to the back of the bus and I say, wait a minute, I'll pay you, hey Dave, shut up, yeah I'll be in the back of my room, thanks, drive safe and people tell me that. working with a man who talks to you that way why let me tell you why because he is honest with dave you know exactly what you are getting nowadays it is very difficult for me to tell who is being genuine and who has an agenda and with him you know exactly where you're, if he likes you, he loves you and if he doesn't, you're on the sidewalk with Kenny G.
That being said, I have a story to share about a year and a half ago, it may be longer or on the bus and we're headed. down the highway so you understand the layout of the bus, let's say this is the front, here's Dave, the driver, empty seat and then a sliding door that comes between him and the rest of the tour bus we're on my friend Alfred me too. the living room part and we're watching TV, we're watching the news and on the news there's a person running for some kind of office, no office in particular and I guess his big plan is to erect a structure between two bodies of land. somewhere and I assume they want one side of the structure to finance the entire project.
Well, my friend Alfred and I have a lot of family that works in construction and we know a bad job when we see it, so we started voicing our opinion. out loud about how we feel about this person and what he wanted to do, we are being very loud, so loud that Dave can hear us and then we hear Dave mirica. I yell at Dave. I told him to shut up, Dave. This is not about you. He touches. a button on the dashboard that activates the sliding door and when the door is about to close, he shouts, "I'm building a wall." I couldn't even get angry because I was too shocked by the fact that it came out. from someone four feet away from me, my friend Alfred and I, we look like chickens, we look like my cell phone goes off.
I pull out my phone and there's a text from Dave and I said, "That's right, I better say, I'm sorry, it'll be better." Just kidding, I open the text and it says you're paying for it and people tell me you still work with him after that. Yes, I do. I trust my life in that man every night. I know where his heart is. He can say whatever he wants at the end of the day, he still has to drive around the king of the Mexicans. Take. He took a road trip about a year ago after getting rid of the beetle in the van.
I took a road trip from Los Angeles to Phoenix I'm going to perform at this club let me tell you who's in the car I'm driving. I have my friend Armando riding a shotgun. He's another hairy guy. We call it sexy. I don't call them. His wife calls him. Anyway he's sexy. In the back seat I have my friend Martin next to him is my friend Felipe so we take off we are on Highway 10 we are passing all these Indian casinos I'm sorry we are that stupid anyway suddenly all these cars start passing me well I'm getting upset because I'm driving I said the next car that's trying to pass me I'm not going to let it so I'm looking in the rearview mirror waiting looking waiting waiting and I see a silver dot The silver dot turned out to be a small car with two hoochies in it right , some of you are going, how do you know you're hoochies?
Because my friend Martine was in the back seat. I feel a disturbance in the force they try to turn around and I cut them off I'm having fun they're back there whatever my friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me why you're doing don't worry I'm having fun Gary they're going to stop you Dude I'm okay, okay, we're arguing back and forth. I'm not paying attention. I don't see a California Highway Patrol officer sneaking up on us. Suddenly I hear I look at the speedometer 102. Oh, me. I scared the little car behind me with the two hoochies that stopped them because they were going just as fast, you know, I'm in the front seat of my car freaking out, oh my god, oh my god, I'm on the edge.
I hear my friend Felipe full of tears from the back seat. Why are you crying? why are you crying fool? You're not the one with weed in your pocket. Do you have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, right? but no, Pikachu knows everything, shoot everyone, hold on to your window. I heard the package in the car fart and do something. that guy from Comedy Central you're the guy who makes that joke about his friend in a hotel and you call him and call him a dirty Mexican and then you go but it was funny eh oh I love that joke that one and when you go, chocolate cake, oh, I love that joke, I hate to do this to you, but we have two cars involved, I need your license and registration, okay, here you go, here you go, so he takes my information and goes back to the car with the two girls inside. he was fine the whole time he was there i tell everyone in the car to look at him he just recognized me on tv maybe if we have some fun with them let's make some jokes maybe he won't get the car i don't care if i get it a fine, but as long as he doesn't take the car, mine will be nonsense, a joke, mine, be funny, Felipe, what a fool, shut up so the policeman can return to the car, what the hell were you doing out there before I could? think of something funny to say from the back seat I hear heels testing a suspension oh my god this bouncer is going to have me arrested yes sir I'm sorry that's my friend Felipe that's the guy from the special that's the guy that says but it was It's funny eh, he's just trying to get me in trouble.
I'm so sorry, so he goes back to a patrol car with my driver's license and spends it on a computer the entire time he does that. They yell at you from the back seat of my car help us sir thank God you have a computer last week they stopped us in Mexico that fool had a cop Rolodex starts to die I'm going oh we got them going we got them going I told my Friend Mondo give me my CDs I take out my Bad Boys 2 soundtrack and I include it on track three is the main theme of Cops.
I tell my friend Felipe to tell me when the policeman starts walking. Okay, yeah oh, here it comes, I played that song as loud as I could. I'm going to do the best part now. the cop walks to the beat even better than that the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they're going crazy and they're like oh my god the cop goes up to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them ride in an art car and At this point we're like halfway through the song, right, we're fine, we stick our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots, thanks, the cop is in the middle of the highway dying, he walks over the window and says, shut up . off yes sir he hands me my license and registration and says Gabriel I want you to do me a big favor I want you to keep this tank below a hundred do you think you can do that do that for me keep doing what you do and have a good day , that's it, no ticket, no ticket, I don't know what possessed me to look at this man and say: why did the girls get a ticket? and he tells me the best thing he says because they couldn't.
Make me laugh, you don't understand, Gabriel, I've been in the police force for 26 years. This is without a doubt the funniest traffic stop I have ever participated in. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two a ticket while listening to Cops I Almost Peed I was laughing so hard this is in the books it's one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer. I swear to God, the only story better thanThis is that of a friend of mine. about some fat guy who gave him donuts so he started walking away and just as I'm about to start the car, does that mean I get to keep my weed?
I turn around to yell at my friend, too late, the cop is at the window do you want to run that for me again son, did you hear what I said you fool oh, you think this is a big joke, don't you think just because he give your friend a break here? I know who he is, I like what he is. Don't I know you? I don't like you getting out of the car. I turn around and there's my friend Felipe. like oh I'm so scared and the policeman pulls out his gun I'm freaking out I'm like oh my God back seat my friend Felipe I'm so scared because he's good he's good so he looks at me The policeman's friend Felipe's face was like no, but that was funny, huh?
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