Good grief; coping with loss - Dr. Susan Delaney"},"lengthSeconds":"3232","ownerProfileUrl":"http://

Thank you and thank you for coming and thank you for inviting me and speaking tonight about

good

grief

, how to deal with

loss

. We want to start with M, a writer. I have a lot of time for Steven Levine and he says we all have pain to explore pain. of incompleteness of not having what we want the

loss

of face the death of friends the loss of

good

friends from the past who move away and old pains return the moments of not being loved the loss of faith in fact all things in column B the tiredness of the world the fatigue the struggle, the loss of love, the neglect of actions that froze around the heart and I would like to read that article because I think it reminds us that there is a lot in grieving and I would like this tonight let's talk about

grief

in general.

And here we are on a Wednesday night, fellow travelers of grief and with the opportunity perhaps to learn a little from each other because I would always say that we belong to grief, be very careful who you follow advice with, we are all amateurs in grief . I'm happy to share a little bit about how I think about grief right now and if I had been giving this talk six months ago it probably would have been different and it probably would be different this time next year as well. I'll just talk to you a little. a little bit about my understanding of us right now and I hope you can share some of your thoughts and experiences too and let's get caught up in the stories and know that everyone lived happily ever after and what they didn't because nothing lasts forever we cry for all the things and people that were important to us, so that could include the loss of someone important, that's the most obvious way, thank you, we think about grief and I always include pets in that because I always think about mine.

Dad, I think he was more fond of his job than most people, last topic of mental health, a lot of work, loss of physical health, dreams of laughter, so we really expanded the meaning of laughter and sorrow to think basically where life just doesn't work. the way we had planned we call the last of the world supposed we agree with what we have had and last but remember we also agree with what we hoped to have when we began in our life the story that we thought would unfold what we thought we expected to have and we couldn't have, so the absence of presence but also the presence of absence we talk about this a lot M, there is really always a talk about Christmas in the hospice and people talk about maybe death. of a child, but for every family that faces the death of a child, there are many more families that face another year of infertility or miscarriage or simply will never have the family they thought they would have, so I think we have to be pay attention when Steve Levine is saying we all know that grief is both and when I teach students sometimes they say well, I haven't really grieved, you know? and you think God loved us, you know you can't be. human in this life without losing something that is pain Molly Fumiya in her book a safe passage says that pain is the most patient and persistent of all life's companions it is an ancient universal power that unites all human beings so We're all here as mourners, okay? so what are we going to do about it and I think it's kabat-zinn that says we can't stop the waves but we can learn to surf.

This is the one I use and it says we can't, we can't do anything about this. what happens we are always faced with what are we going to do now that this has happened we have no choice about what happens or we have a choice with what we do with what happens and excuse me now when I move today I exhibit a this is where I was asking for the trellis. I just think that pictures help sometimes with these things anyway optimistic, so this one is kind of in between and this one I like to call it not like I asked for it, it's not original to me.

I took it from someone else, but when I saw it I thought it was shame, right? Yes, and we spent a ton of time, whether at the bar, sharpening the coffee, no, sorry, that's not mine, no, no, that's not what I ordered, no, thank you. You're confusing me with someone else, it's not mine, we spent a lot of time and energy rejecting it, no, it can't be what I ordered, so I'm leaving it there as an image. I think it helps, but even thinking in your own head the energy. that we have already started trying not to accept what is already here is not what I ordered do you like that he also took yes yes so let's not make it more difficult than necessary because sometimes they made the moments more difficult we give the times the times we give ourselves we face laughter, what are we going to do about it, even if it's not what we ordered, it's what we got?

Yes, I work a lot in the palliative care foundation with people who are and We are presented with what we know as complicated grief, people who are very caught up in their grief and I think the first order of business for any grief, but particularly for people I work with, it has to be what's going to be a good resolution, how are you going to know when you're done with your grief journey and the kind of things I'm playing with right now and I guess most of what I've learned I have learned from the people I work with and grief is not going to go away.

You know, we got a little stuck thinking that there were stages of grief and that you get through them and you'd be done for and you'd go back to the way you were. It's not news to you, I know, but it doesn't work that way. that we always want to remember the person who died, the attachment that was important to us, but I suggested that perhaps it is possible to remember with love rather than grief because you can get too caught up in the pain of grief to learn to accept the loss and grief. The consequent changes it brings, okay, it may not be what you were told, but as you accept it, get used to it, and become familiar with it, it may not be as bad as it seemed.

No, I mean, in general, I'm talking. depression to the death of the most important person in his life and the ability to experience joy and satisfaction again. I am disheartened. I guess many grieving people don't feel like they have a choice. I spoke to a man once. who was very actively suicidal and we were talking about why he hadn't gone to get help and he said it never occurred to me that there was something out there that could help me now that you're ahead of the pack with a conscious connection but I thought it was a extraordinary vision I need to do a better job of public relations it is possible to recover from loss and pain and re-experience joy and satisfaction everything disappears and you are happy like Larry give me a break no but Like there will be moments of joy again, yes they can, and I think that's the hope that we keep hope that things can be different and I like again to have some kind of visual image for that and directly this one that I wanted and it's actually a tree and Pembroke Road that someone sent me about I took a photo and I liked it so much that we put it on the cover of the book we made a few years ago and I loved it as an image and the tree continues to grow even though there is something hard about it, doesn't it seem like it is hard and cold?

Some people see other things but they simply have a dirty mind, don't pay attention to them, you know, it washes away, yes and but look at the tree, the tree continues to grow, if we call that the pain or the pain or the loss in the middle, it doesn't go anywhere. Part, in fact, is right in the center but the trees continue to grow. I'll give you one more and then we'll come back to these during this is what I call the flu grief model and I think it works just as well for depression and that's a ball in a jar, do you know what that feels like? when you're so full of something that there's no room for anything else and you can't even stand someone?

Touching yourself is just loss and pain, there's no room, there's no room for anything else and if you had the flu, this was the flu, you'd feel pretty bad for a week or so and then the symptoms would ease. I need a little more and if I had more jars right at the end, I could barely see it, it would be gone and you would never be the same again. Pain is not like that, but we push it as a model and when we say things to people. Are you over that or are you back to your old self or did I think that happened last year?

What are we saying? You know, keep going, keep going and certainly the brief people I see are very clear when they get maybe not. he said but the look that says could you not try a little harder or maybe you're taking advantage of it a little you know we gave you a certain amount of time no we're serious keep going everyone has problems yeah so the pain isn't like the flu, it's It's not a useful M model and I think especially because if you've had a major loss in your life, the last thing you want to do is forget if the person you loved most in the world has died, you don't want to forget that. person, even the most difficult memories are very valuable, it is a connection with that person, so this is very scary.

I think when people breathe, this is our new improved high-tech model that starts in the same place and that really is a nice pain, I think it's a pretty reasonable image of a nice pain, you're just full of it and when the People say that's the woman whose son died, that's the man whose mother died, that's how you feel too, the only way you can define yourself is by your loss, your suffering or your grief, so we know that this place is the sharpest place and there are no guarantees, especially in grief, so when I see people they tell me well, when, when could I feel better, I'll be better by Christmas, how long does it last? piece of rope we don't know, so we don't wait, we don't know what the course of the duel will be, it's different for everyone, so we don't wait, tah-dah, we get a bigger container, right, if so, if the ball now it's the last one or shame, I'm not going to change it, it's the same ball, but the container is getting bigger, etc., we could do it that way, so if we are talking about a significant loss, we are saying the last one it will always be there but the ratio changes as the container changes the pain has not changed it can change we don't know how we can know Who am I to tell someone what the course of their pain will be?

How could I do it? I know and who would think I was going to tell you, but we can do this, we can grow, we can grow, so you get something like saying: the pain doesn't get lighter, but the shoulders can get stronger and then what happens, you can carry. more lightly you can catch other things here you are not just the man with depression or the woman whose son died you can also be other things like sister mother welder painter comedian whatever there is room for other things but still privilege loss and Again , It's not original.

I'm passing it on. I think these things belong in the universe, but if it's a useful image for you, I encourage you to use it now. This is not a lecture on Buddhism, but I like this piece and I like it. Include it when we talk about grief because they just say it clearly, you know what a lifetime of suffering is about. I think my life would have been easier when I was young if I had known that, we didn't cross our fingers and wait. that suffering is not coming our way it is coming it is here all of life includes suffering we are programmed as human beings were programmed to attach that is what we do we have to attach when we were babies we would not survive we are programmed we attach to the people in our lives and that continues throughout our life, most functioning adults will have about five significant attachments at any point in their life, so there is a moment of pause and you can count for yourself and that's what we do, but it's the attachments that become We get into trouble because everything ends, so there is this very difficult paradox that we are working with, we are programmed to become attached to people, to stories, to how we think our life should be, to how We think we should be, and we are disappointed when it happens.

It doesn't work that way, so it gives us a better hope than the old Buddhism which also says that it is possible to be free from suffering and that there are things you can do and that's what I would like us to talk about. I don't have a magic method. Sorry, but I thought I'd offer a couple of ideas and they're really just things that interest me right now. How moving from self-criticism to self-compassion can help us broaden our shoulders. so the weight is a little bit lighter now, as they say, this is the scientific part, don't ask me questions about this because I have a very rudimentary understanding of it, but you know we have an old reptilian brain years and years and years ago and who just tried to keep us alive.

I basically checked to see if there were any Tigers coming towards us and it's like velcro for trash or pain, so he stays with us. We have an overlay of new brain, but that old brain has a negativity bias because it's trying to keep us going. We are alive and it shows in all sorts of ways, we will notice 10 people being nice to us, one person giving us dirty looks, we remember that and when Paul Gilbert was here last year and talked about self-pity, he must have said it. 10 times in the talk he said this is how you are made, it's not your fault and I thought that was lovely, we just thoughtthat this is how we are made, we always have to be alert to threats, that is what we do and that is. what old brain does better now we have a new one with neocortex the new brain when we learned to think and think about thinking the new brain is two million years old it is not so new no obviously this brain is fabulous and does all kinds of things, but it also catches us in many problems when we have difficulties because we can think about thinking we can ruminate and my God if you think about a loss and you think about the insomniacsAt night, they should have been able to, what if I turned left instead of turning right if not do X or Y? reflect on things and do all kinds of wonderful things in our lives, but you can catch us up, there is no need to read this.

I'm just saying that evolved design is not necessarily good design, to tell you a little bit about how emotions are organized inside the brain and petrullio the wise men of time are our brain, especially if you are a heady person who likes to think things through. , can trip us up, yeah, very simple things and I think I'll take a day off. I feel so bad that you call in sick and the next thing that happens is your brain, since you shouldn't have done so well, you just told me, you know what you're going to do, it's of no use to you because as soon as do something and then you will reflect on it that didn't happen on the plains the tiger didn't get you you just went on with your life another day you didn't spend much time thinking about geez I was lucky to escape and this could happen - wait - yeah it's not like that, but the rumination that continues now we've gone from keeping an eye on the Tigers to whether people liked our photo on Facebook, you know, it's the same story when it comes to your brain is worried, so we have to learn and understand.

The old brain's motives, that's fine, but we can use our new brain to achieve it. No, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this, it's really just a little bit of ground work so you can, we can talk a little bit about things we can do to help, just think about the way emotions are organized, threat and self-protection, the most important thing and for us in the world we live in now are things like losing jobs losing face being criticized but it is the same mechanism that kept us safe from the Tigers and there is always a negativity bias because it is always better to be safe than sorry, to that is added the type of desire that the resource seeks to achieve things, more is better and you know how we all fall into that well of I would be happy if this or that thing happened or if so-and-so acted like that. different way, so you know, but there is always something out there that with the so-called I like that expression the hedonistic attempt well there is always something and that someone else has to do or the universe has to provide before we can always settle for ourselves There are things to want and as soon as you get something you're sure someone else has it better, yeah, so where are we taking you?

The part we are going to worry about tonight is peace of mind and contentment, how do we balance both? So if a lot of that from the previous lights didn't make sense to you, don't do it. Worry about that. I'm just laying the groundwork to say that we have the ability to use self-compassion to calm ourselves. That's all I'm saying we know and this is just some of the research we know that reduces anxiety, stress and depression. Now the opposite of self-pity is self-criticism and we use it, certainly that's how I was, I grew up and how I was raised, and criticism is used as a motivator, it doesn't work well, but we also do it to ourselves, you know, push, push pushing is never enough happy always more we could have done we should have done okay? you can hear that new brain data, the story about why you're just not up to it.

I see people probably most weeks in my practice saying I'm not suffering right, maybe it was a joke that we're at a point, we just think we're not even suffering right, we can't even do it right, there's no right way or incorrect, but we punish ourselves. trying to find it, so what we want to use self-compassion for is to simply deactivate the threat system when something significant has happened in your life, like a significant loss, and you activate that threat system, you feel that there is danger and that stays in your body if you've ever had that experience of waking up in the morning and even before you're fully conscious you're already feeling scared or anxious or panicked and maybe feeling like you were when you were leaving or whatever, but that's panic and it's very common. that grieving people develop anxiety disorders and suffer panic attacks.

The world suddenly seems very dangerous because we do such a great job with death denial. We know that in a part of our brain we know that we are all going to suffer. To die in a hundred years none of us will be here, I can't imagine, but we don't live with that in our conscious mind, how could we? So we find a way to put it aside and not deal with it, but it works its way through because we know it's there and then we're just trying to figure out how we can use self-pity to calm ourselves and remind ourselves that there really are no dangers, they're not coming.

Tigers, it feels like there are and when you have that panic response in your body, it just causes cortisol to flow through your body, that stress response and the stress hormone, the kind of things that get you worked up and not They're good, so we need to use our new brain to say okay, okay. It's okay, there is no danger, what happened has happened and we are handling it the same way you would talk to a very young child who was scared. It's okay, our body doesn't know that and we have to tell ourselves it's not self-pity and I think that's what it is.

It's really important to say, particularly in grief, when when people struggle in their grief, they feel and other people think I'm wallowing in it, yeah, it may not be sad to say it's just a look or a bowl writing, yeah , and no one would choose to feel what you feel when you suffer acute pain, it is not a choice that people make and it is not a whim, so what I tell you is that I think we punish ourselves for something, it is not our fault, it is as we are. wiring, so we're just seeing what we can do when we're given something that we didn't ask for and we don't want to override, are the possibilities in that, well, I still have two questions at the end, err people, okay.

I can't see it so everyone might be asleep from here okay I'll pause for a second but I'm trying to sell yarn it's really considering accepting whatever they have even if it's not what you ordered and consider trying a couple of simple drills so you can see for yourself if the shooter could have, since things didn't go the way I wanted or expected them to or as other people expected of me, very simply, that's all. I'm talking about this, and this piece that I've taken is the work of Kristin Neff, who is a pretty fancy psychologist in the United States, but when she talks about self-compassion, what she says is what brought it to her.

For her, it was having had a very high-level career and then deciding it was time to have a child. She had a child with a very significant disability. He had very severe autism and the struggles with that and what that was like for her as his mother. how she handled it and how he handled other people's stares and everything that goes on with that and we're all very quick with our judgments, right? So she came up with this kind of way to be self-pitying and broke. We broke it down into three three ways of being and I thought, if that's okay with you, I'll show you a little bit how to be kind, be kind to yourself, we wrote it on sympathy cards, be careful, be good to yourself now during this difficult.

When do we do it as grieving people? Shall we hack? Do you know what it would mean? Would you even know where to start being kind to yourself? What would that critical little voice that you carry with you mean? Yes, the parent voice, maybe it's just me, no, yes, that comment about everything, yes, yes, yes, me, the reason I was late. Italian, I went to st. James's Hospital Well - st. Patrick's Hospital, so the voice had a lot to say seriously, it was James's Street, not only do you know what you're going to do, we're here now being some kind of grief recon and you see what I did there as a little typo just to show you that.

I am human too, yes, grief, failure and being imperfect are just part of being human, it is part of the human condition, it is part of the human condition, suffering is part of being human, we must teach children that in the schools so that they are better prepared by then we can start looking and this is what we can do about it to manage it, so we don't get rid of it, it's not going anywhere, but we can manage it, but what we don't want to do is ignore the pain or punish ourselves. with self-criticism and then you get more stress, more frustration and you get on a treadmill right there, kindness to yourself, it's okay, just take a good, useful moment, are we on the date on Wednesday?

You don't need to look yet, okay, give yourself to Friday, I'm joking, well, common humanity, my experience with grief is that it is a terribly isolating experience, it doesn't matter if it happens to everyone, when it happens to ourselves, You feel that no one has tried a similar path before, it is terribly lonely and it is terribly isolating now if the person you have lost is one of your attachment figures it is even more difficult if it is someone very close who is important to you and because when we lose that person we don't feel like going out into the world the world feels terribly scary we are like that little boy again if you can't see your mother you get frantic yes, but as we grow up we can carry a representation of the person and that gives us used, but when we have to make them come to terms with the fact that that person is gone and will never come back, that's very scary and, again, ties into why we see anxiety disorders, panic attacks and agoraphobia very often, and with grief people end up saying, you know, I walked into town I had a panic attack I thought I was having a heart attack or I thought I might throw up or pee myself you know the kind of things that worry us as people If I was going to get sick, where was I going to get sick?

It's just easier to stay home, but it comes from the loss of that person, the safe haven that our attachment figures give us, they make us feel safe in the world, so common humanity is a little nudge to remind us that we happens to everyone. It's not just us, we're not alone, we may feel like we're alone and isolated in our pain, but that's a feeling, thoughts and feelings aren't rational, you know thoughts are just thoughts, thoughts aren't truths, but we have to remind ourselves that just because we take something doesn't mean it's true, pots aren't truths and I've certainly worked with people who, by any measure, seem to have more than their fair share of difficulty, you know, whatever it may be. the criteria you use.

I don't know and I remember a woman saying to me, "I think someone is laughing. You know, we're just trying to make sense of it. She says, seriously, she didn't say it that politely, but that's always there because when we meet in our life and it has a lot to do with things that are not under our control. We are not as powerful as we think. You are working with the DNA and genes that you have in the place where you are the washing machine what else is happening in your life. is happening with the people around you and the people who take care of you all those things that you carry there is a little bit of that that we have control yes, we don't have to let the birds make nests in our hair, but the fact that they are flying over our heads there's nothing we can do about it, so as Paul Gilbert says, it's not your fault and you're not alone, and even that sometimes is just a relief to you it's not my fault and I'm not alone, I'm not talking. to excuse ourselves for anything, but just as a way to comfort ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves, it's okay, bad things don't last and good things don't last.

I often prefer this one, so if you've had a lot of statue days, look forward to your pigeon day coming soon, yeah, and you can think about exactly what you're going to do and what statues you're going to aim for, it's just like The way things are, no one holds a grudge against you, that's the way it is and we can fight it and we can say: I'm sorry, this is not what I ordered or we can relax and say now that this has happened, what am I going to do? do it right, so we're not talking about treating ourselves or throwing a pity party because, in fact, it has no effect, it's just an invitation to start pushing against ourselves, recognizing exactly what's there, the last one.

Actually, I am a mindfulness. teacher in another life and I'm even sick of mindfulness right now sorry, it's everywhere isn't it? There's like a dolphin of mindfulness - uh, together, I guess I'm sick of the word, but certainly discovering mindfulness changed my life and I think that core of mindfulness that says to take a balanced approach doesn't privilege the negative.about the positive, neither of them will last, we must stop striving all the time towards the positive, we must not run away from the darkness of the shadow, it is transitory, it is part of our existence and of being in the world and we can be in both of us, we don't avoid one and move towards the other, yeah, can we just accept right now how we are in the moment without judging, to be honest? and I hope I don't offend anyone when I say this.

I think right now maybe mindfulness has been overrated and reminds us to face the moment, but I don't really think it's enough, so we have a choice and that's what We want when you get to the moment you have the choice to choose what you're going to do in the next moment and that's what we're looking for, the time will come if you use your breath and talk about it, a little bit brings your body these good places to be because your body is not well, your head is, your body is not I'm not lying, but it just says that this is where I am without judging, it's where you are and it's not your fault and we like some moments, although better than others, we have no other option, yes, yes, I mean live in the moment, but go on, live in this moment, hard, who just screams, the only one we have, we can't choose it, yeah, just take a nap, we only have moments to live, yeah, yeah, that's the one the killer in mindfulness, yes. live in the moment person no, not this, not this, not this, not the moment that I ordered, that not, I ordered, yes, then, when we arrive, then, what we have, is this, is this moment right now and if Pause with yourself Right now and think about this moment: How do I know if I go to you?

I'm not going to ask you. You obviously are and you can accept it in a friendly and curious way without judging. It may not be how you would choose to be. I know, but it's the right thing to do and I'm really interested in calming myself through the body and I'm thinking I might be talking to the converts here. He said I just think the body doesn't lie, the body is always in the present and always accurate, do you ever want to really check the truth or something, check, God, there are reasons why we say things like that, aren't there ?

I felt it in my God, it is the same peculiarity that I knew was in my waters. I'm not really sure what that means, it must be something in the body, but there is a truth and a wisdom in the body. You know you've made the right decision about something when you're more or less settled wherever it is, maybe my belly. you know people with their chest, your shoulders, you know where it is you tend to hold things or where things manifest in your body, but you know when you are settled you think yes or you have a bad feeling about something or someone and I can't identify it, that's the truth of the body, so there may be a lot of research on conscious breathing and if we boil it down to two words, what seems to help is breathing evenly and rhythmically, which rhythmically means just getting in, you don't care . you could be counting to four, to four, we get to four, we suggest people exhale a little bit more if they're panicked, they're anxious and it's not right, and we probably all learned what we say now, what you have to do is breathe deeply, you know you don't breathe deeply, you cause hyperventilation, what is meant by deep breathing is actually abdominal breathing which, if you are breathing, you are trying to breathe down towards your belly, but breathing deeply.

Gasps of air don't help, so even whatever suits you we know how to breathe, it's the first thing we did in our lives and it will be the last thing we do in our lives. We know how to do it. Your body is theirs alone. breathing so it's always something you can rely on you can go back to I'm not going oh so obviously people I have difficulty breathing that's the right point, but for most of us, if we can bring our attention to a level constant breathing calms us down the cortisol that I told you that stress hormone relaxes the parasympathetic comes into play and your body receives the message this is not scary nothing happens at this moment whatever happens has already happened scanning the body is the same in your The mind's eye simply visualizes and thinks, if it were from my head to my toes, can I realize where I am calm?

Where do I need to send some loving kindness and I'm only going to ask you to do it if it's convenient for you? and if not, it's 100% fine, like I said, you don't have your glasses on so he can't see you anyway, but there's a good connection because people often do it quite naturally, they point out that they're right on the sternum , what we call a pain point and if it suits you, you have a little Explorer there and you touch it, it is also a point where we can reach our breathing, not to change your breathing, but just to reach it, just to see in a moment, can you still? a little bit just I have the feeling that you can push in a little bit, don't hurt yourself, obviously, but you can push in a little bit and you'll see, it's true for you, is there pain residing there?

You only have a little push with your fingers and a gentle gentle massage in a very very simple way to calm yourself when you are having a moment that is not to your liking or your choice as simple as telling yourself inhaling I know I am inhaling exhaling I know I am exhaling , so just a simple invitation, just inhale for whatever suits you, you can count to 4, try for about 5, in, 4, out, 5, very simple things you can say to yourself, I'm just going to give You are a couple, you can follow us if it suits you, simply inhale and as you exhale thank you, goodbye, exhale worry and as you inhale I inhale peace and as you exhale I release tension and in the end I accept tranquility.

I breathe out fear I breathe in courage I let go of anger I welcome love I release my sadness I receive joy just see for a moment how that suits you Yoga can be a good way to increase your self-compassion, connect the head with the body Yoga comes from York in New York, together, many of us spin around in our heads and, especially if you're a heady person and you have those whiny voices, yoga is a great way to get into your body, I don't mean. the kind of yoga that ties you to pretzels, but simply the kind of yoga that takes you inside your body and out of your head and someone once described it by saying that I thought of my body as something that was like a kind of used car. that I would use to get around and I thought that the used car business was good, not even your own car could matter to you, but yours, the rental one, not really that worried us, yes, but as if your body were just it is there to take your head where you are going, this is not where we live, this is a very very small part of it, the body is where the wisdom is and the others again are only based on research not things hocus-pocus type and being compassionate. with yourself just returning to something that brings you some joy some calm peace it can be a smell you enjoy an object a sound it's a blanket and everyone should have a blanket aren't kids so smart?

I love when I see them pulling the blanket. dirty stuff is so smart a security blanket what helps you calm down when you need to calm down pretty simple it could be a storm whatever it is we also know that visualizing is almost as good as the real thing this was huge at the olympics with Athletes apparently see yourself crossing the finish line and actually improve your game. I have tried it in tennis. I'm still useless, but hope lives forever if you can't go to a place you arrive imagining you're there. well and I think that helps to know, so it's not like my kids say you should put down when you go to your happy place, you know, do marketing and it actually helps a place that comes to you, a person that comes to You, if you can't be with them, imagine being there, close your eyes, visualize that you are there and it is almost as good.

You can add it to bring your attention to your breathing and notice how it washes. You would be the most loving person, the most compassionate person. You know how to tell yourself in the difficult times if you can tell yourself that's great if you have a hard time being kind to yourself than imagine the most loving person you know and what they would say or imagine what you would say to a little boy that you loved very much treat yourself that way treat yourself that way meditation I don't mean any great thing is far from meditation.

I was raised. I'm simply talking about something like reaching for the breath and something as simple as saying inhale. I know. I'm breathing in, I'm breathing out, I know I'm breathing out, parts will continue to arise, feelings will continue to arise, let them, don't try to stop them, don't try to clear your mind, but you have a choice that you don't have to interact with. let them go let them go it's like saying no my dance card is full you don't have to dance with them they will keep coming and particularly in pain it's important to notice the EM I guess we invoke the shadow feelings we have We all know people are sad about pain, but in reality it is not the most predominant feeling.

Grief has multiple layers and there are all kinds of feelings and if it is someone very close to us who has died, there is always ambivalence and, if you are interested, probably the most ambivalent relationship is that of mothers and daughters. I say that as a mother and daughter we feel all kinds of things and we feel them all at the same time and pain doesn't just happen in a linear way, so don't be sure. I was going to say pay attention but I think I'm going to say wait for the arrival of and guilt shame irritability irritability resignation relief sometimes followed by guilt for feeling relief all of that is part of the pain and our only job is to accept what they give us because we can't give it back so it's better than just sitting around doing nothing so if that's the option and maybe give the breathing a little bit of purpose and I mean it that way it's easy. just to remember, when in doubt, exhale, the focus is not on the inhalation because that makes people more anxious.

Actually, if you feel like you need to stabilize yourself in your grief or loss, a little more time on the exhale is what you want, so when in doubt, read aloud, and in managing your grief, I think access Information about what to expect in the event of a loss is really important. We have many brochures and we keep them at the palliative care foundation. I brought some of them today and you are more than welcome to take them, but there are a lot on the website and you can call and they would send them to you too, but I think sometimes when we get caught up in the pain because we don't know what to expect and it's not Is it extraordinary something that has been happening since the world began and something that happens to each and every one of us?

Still we were surprised and people often told me: I must be doing it wrong, surely it couldn't be like that. This is not what everyone is going through, we don't like to talk about it and yet, my goodness, when you start talking about your pain, you open it up for other people to trust your own immune system, it's so hard. imagine the worst possible. pain that you might have to endure or if you're going through it now, it's really very difficult to see that you can come out on the other end, but we actually have what they call a psychological immune system that is a parallel to the physical immune system your body knows how to heal your pain sometimes we have to get out of the way if you get burned we know the immune system will heal that we know and it doesn't heal it and it all goes away We could go back to the bowls and jars, there will be a scar, but sometimes we need that scar.

We like to have the reminders and the wash of what happened to us, of what has made us the person we are, but the pain we trust will not kill. You, I know, you see it sometimes in the newspaper or something, people dying with a broken heart and it doesn't really kill you, it can knock you down, but I think like a willow it makes you bend, but it is possible to heal and sometimes we need to just trust. in the process and letting our own psychological immune system do what it needs to do and when I train people in grief therapy I tell them, "You know, if someone has a broken arm and they're in a sling." Well, you can be the sling, but the sling doesn't heal the arm, you sure don't wear the sling, what is this sling?

Hold the bracket sir, it keeps it in place maybe alert someone. Could you be careful? Please, my arm, my arm here is broken. but the sling doesn't heal the arm the arm heals the arm connect with people who accept you as you are and much of the grief literature will say you know people manage to breathe with the help of family, friends and colleagues. I wish they did. Always include a: you know that will accept that you grieve the way you need to and not grieve the way they would like you to or the way they would prescribe and we have very strong opinions about ourselves or I.

I wouldn't want to sound like that, no, no, that doesn't sound right to me, no, really, so it's with people who accept you just the way you are. Sometimes you might want to talk, sometimes you might want to cry, sometimes you might just want to distract yourself, that's part of grief and really taking good care of yourself, thank you.