"Good Credit, Buy Anything!" - Trevor Noah - (African American)

It's crazy, I love it. Living the American life is crazy. I actually learned to drive here, which was fun. Obviously I had to get a car, which I almost couldn't get. I had to fill out a form and they want your

credit

because in the United States

credit

is very important. I don't understand the concept. I went to the car dealership and there was an Asian gentleman helping me. We are reviewing the forms and he tells me how long have you been living in the United States? I told him I hadn't lived here for a long time.

He said, "Oh, this is not

good

for you, this is not

good

for you." I said: what do you mean? You can't lease a car in the United States unless you've been here for a long time because you have no credit. Okay, I said, Well, I have the money to pay for it. He says yes, that's not the point. Well, that's not the point in America. Well, in this country we want credit. Good. Our country is focused on credit. If you have good credit, you can buy

anything

. We don't care about money, we want credit. I said credit is the assumption that you can pay.

He says no, that doesn't count here. Alright. In our country, if you have good credit, you can buy

anything

. Alright. It's like our country, our country. I was like Look, I hate to be rude, but when you say our country, do you mean ours because you live here now or ours because the Chinese own it? I couldn't just buy a car that horrible, drive around and that's the worst, driving in America, wow, on the other side of the road you feel like a rebel, you know, until you see the other cars coming and so it's Not That Fun, do you know how many times I did that, just go to the wrong side?

Yuck! and don't trust the movies, it's not easy to do all that. There are no people who don't drive, no, stop, just look at you, "what are you doing!" In the movies you pass by. "what are you doing!" no they don't drive they just wait for you to turn and the streets are so small you're doing one of those turns just looking at them and you're embarrassed it's horrible I had to practice for months it was The worst thing I remember was driving onto a street once I thought I had learned, it had been months and I had been doing well and then I turned the wrong way and I saw this little old Asian lady driving towards me and I was like "No!" and there was no one else, so I swerved the car and thought, wow, yeah, hero! and I drove up and there were 50 cars coming this way and I thought, Ugh, bitch!

Yuck! and funny, I told this story to my friend. I told him like this, I thought this is what happened and he said, "Oh, that's so funny, man, that's so funny and he asks me who was driving the car." A little old Asian lady saying, "Oh yeah, you can't say that, man, you can't, you can't say that." I said, what do you mean? He says, yeah, you can't say she's Asian. I said, why not? He says, "Yeah, because that's racist." Did I say what, she's Asian? He says, "No, if she's a bad driver and you say she's Asian, that's racist." I was like, so let me get this straight, Asians aren't allowed to be called bad drivers?

Isn't this racism in itself? Everyone else is allowed the world of bad drivers, but if I'm driving down the highway behind an Asian person and he swerves and I go, this bad driver drives like shit! and I pull up next to them like: Oh no, sorry, ha ha, you're not a bad driver, you're just Asian. Sorry, isn't that racism in itself? It's crazy, so now what I had to do to get around is use a GPS. I decided to buy one of those first. I tried to be stingy. I thought about getting a phone with GPS.

It was a horrible mistake. I bought one of those phones. with Siri your assistant talks to you, listens to you if you are American she doesn't understand a word I say I don't understand why, I speak English I'm there talking to her (sound) She says, what do you need? I'm like Siri, please call Peter, do you want pizza? No, no, cancel, cancel Siri, I need Peter "do you want pizza?" No, Siri, Siri? I want Peter, not Pizza. "Do you want pizza?" No, no No, Siri, what's going on here? You want, Peter, Siri, Siri, Peter, Siri, Siri "You don't make sense." Siri, are you having an attitude with me? "tell me" I don't know what the hell is going on here Siri, just listen to me "I don't know" What do you mean you don't know?

Siri alone, ah bitch! Yuck! "Marking Mom" ​​What the hell?! It's just horrible, that's when I had to buckle up and get a real GPS to get my bearings. which has been working great if you don't have a GPS get one it's the best thing you can do but don't make the mistake I made and buy it on Craigslist. I bought one on Craigslist, but the guy who sold it to me didn't tell me it was a GPS in Spanish which isn't that good I didn't understand anything she says I'm still moving because the arrows are in English thank God but otherwise it was just horrible and I hated it the first few days, and then I fell in love with her, she just, you know, I don't understand why more Americans don't speak Spanish, it's such a sexy language, I'm just sitting there, and all the men here want to feel like a man, get yourself a GPS in Spanish.

Oh no, they don't understand that traffic never sounded sexier, just like I'm marking random destinations and she's guiding me. She's like (GPS sound) (GPS Speaking Spanish) (GPS Speaking Spanish) and I was like, ha ha ha ha ha, oh shit Tomtom, ha ha, don't say that all the time, ha ha , it's just sexy. You know she guides me, it's beautiful, I love it, I'm going to learn Spanish for that. Spanish has definitely moved up on my list. I had a few languages ​​and Spanish was like the sixth language. He spoke 4 languages ​​in the south. Africa and then the fifth language was going to be Japanese and then Spanish, but now Spanish went up.

Japanese, I had to take a break because of the earthquake, there are not many traveling now, it's just sad, there is no one now. They used to walk the streets, you know, but Spanish has gone up because I was getting good at Japanese, don't get me wrong, I was getting really good, you know? And it's a great language, it's powerful because you speak Japanese from your chest it makes you feel strong (Speak Japanese) very strong while in English you speak from your head and chest, you know what I mean? "Your head and your chest wouldn't know this, you wouldn't know it if you listened to a lot of coastal girls in America, like I've been in places like California, where women insist on speaking English through their nose, which is not the right way." . “Oh my gosh, you guys are going to like doing this and I was there with Tiffany and we were talking and then “that's not the right way, you're not using your lungs.” I know this because when I strangled her she sounded exactly the same.

She's there and she's like, "Oh my God, you're like completely drowning right now and I can't breathe and this is not going. I'm going to tweet about this. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. I'm dying, God." mine". you know, it's horrible where the Japanese is strong, Japanese, you speak from the chest, you know, a lot of Americans are learning Chinese. I see you know, I see people like "you have to learn Chinese, they're taking over Chinese, Ne hao ma! ella." shing nei Sha Nez" it's too late to learn Chinese, it's over No, it's true, because it's also one of the most difficult languages ​​in the world.

I mean, how do you learn Chinese now? They have more than 10 thousand characters in their alphabet , did you know? 10 thousand characters, we have 26 in English and there are still people who say what comes after Q twenty-six, this is, you know, 10 that they have, that's super clever, they must have the worst Sesame Street in the world , it must suck to be a Muppet. that country to see them on a Monday morning singing to the kids (singing in Chinese) 5 years later (singing in Chinese) is just horrible Horrible