Film Theory: How Wonder Woman FAILED Us!

Ah, dancing in the middle of the First World War; how romantic Okay, okay, so how do the Amazons dance? Nobody was asking you, Steve. She just said this wasn't dancing. Why would you teach him to dance? Doesn't she want to teach us what dancing is? Well, you already said that like five lines ago, so what is it? What is dancing? No! No! Arrest! Yuck! Stop kissing! You have evolved beyond that; You already said that in the boat scene. Come on, Wonder Woman script, you used the rule of three: 1. You set it up. Diana: These people are just floundering. 2.

You reinforced it. Diana: They don't know how to dance. Then what? No reward? Has no one in this movie written a joke before? It's one of the oldest tricks in the book! That trick is so old... Hello Internet, welcome to Film Theory, where I like to say that we ruin equal opportunity movies. And in that sense, today we talk about Wonder Woman, the highest-grossing DC movie to date and the one that everyone says is the best of all time. Hurrah! But hold on to your invisible plane, Diana. I have a few points to pick with your

film

.

And don't get me wrong. A comic book superhero movie directed by a

woman

and starring a

woman

is incredible and long overdue. I don't have any problem with any of that. Actually, my problem is with the man in the movie, good old Zack Snyder, aka, who I'm criticizing today. Zack, Zack, I'm going to be honest with you now, I don't get paid millions to write movies, but I do know a thing or two from watching them. Like starting a movie with a flashback to a photo, followed by a flashback to a history book, doesn't make the movie the next Inception.

It makes it quite heavy on display. Or how about we introduce the shooter and then ask him to do… nothing? Really nothing! He's been given multiple opportunities to shoot or learn to shoot or show that he has some kind of character arc in any way and then just nothing! Even the moral of the movie! Diana: It's not about the truth, it's about what you believe. "Is the truth what you believe?" And what does that mean? Speak straight, Wonder Woman, you'll have trouble defending that philosophy when Hitler comes to town in 15 years. I don't think many people want the truth to be what they believe.

Simply put, watching this movie as much as I enjoyed it made me want to run a channel like CinemaSins from time to time. But what I'm talking about today isn't about Wonder Woman's philosophy, or how vague her power set is, or even how a blue silk dress is capable of holding a full sword, much less Wonder Woman walking with her. . No, Internet, my problem today is much worse than any other, because it is so basic that it is inexcusable even in a completely fictional movie. The way this movie is written, Diana and Steve would never have participated in World War I, they would not have saved the armistice agreement, and they would not have saved thousands of lives from Doctor Poison.

In fact, Wonder Woman would never have come to war in the first place. And I know you're thinking it's because of some magical physics thing or some existential conflict, or it's something I fabricated entirely for the purpose of clickbait, but it's literally because her ship was too slow. That's the whole payoff of this movie. Everything after they left the island would never have happened because this would never have made it from here to London on time. Don't believe me, we're sticking around because we're about to unravel the entire logic of Wonder Woman because Zack flippin' Snyder flunked fourth grade geography.

Let's do it! As a quick recap, Steve Trevor crashes on the coast of the Amazon island of Themyscira and is saved by Diana, aka Wonder Woman. The two then set sail for England to deliver Dr. Poison's secret notebook to the British to end World War I. Hurrah! They get on a sailboat, have a super awkward conversation about sleeping together because apparently any humor that revolves around a man and a woman always has to be about sex, and then they fall asleep. After that we get a different scene that isn't them, and then poof!), they head to London the next day.

They have no extra food or water that we see, you never see a navigation montage, and Diana wakes up in the same position you see her fall asleep in, so we know, by the logic of the movie, that this is supposed to be at the next day and they made this whole trip during the night. But where did they come from? Unsurprisingly, Themyscira isn't a real place, but we have plenty of clues as to where it could be. The architecture of the island resembles ancient Greece, which is not so surprising. Wonder Woman's entire origin is based on Greek mythology.

We hear about characters like Zeus and Ares all the time throughout the

film

, their entire frame of reference is based on Greek myths and even her real-world name, Diana, is a reference to one of the most famous Greek goddesses. So right off the bat we know we're in the general area of ​​Greece, but that doesn't help as much as you might think. Ancient Greece was not just the Greece we see today. At its peak, Greek territory extended across the Middle East to India and south to North Africa. At first, it seems like Themyscira would be impossible to locate, but luckily for us, there's something else narrowing down the location: Steve's plane.

Remember, Steve is in Türkiye when he steals the plane that eventually crashes on the coast of Themyscira. Now you might think that airplanes can fly anywhere, but that was definitely not the case in World War I. Remember, it's 1918. The Wright Brothers flew the first airplane in 1903, just 15 years earlier. And they literally flew it a hundred and twenty feet and they were basically floating ten feet off the ground. That's not even an exaggeration. That's pretty accurate. So flying in a World War I plane was basically like getting on a kite with a motor and hoping it wouldn't fall out of the sky.

Simply put, these things weren't going too fast in this movie still. We can confirm that Steve is flying a Fokker E.Ⅲ. (Sorry... Uh... mature episode) A plane from Germany specifically supplied to Turkey in World War I starting in 1915. And that's a pretty important detail because that type of plane had a short flight range. more than a hundred miles. I won't bring it near the London shipping field. Ahh Mother "Fokker"! Even the best planes of World War I couldn't stay in the air on a single tank of gasoline for more than three hours at a time. They also weren't flying faster than 90 miles per hour, which means that at best, AT ALL, it's better when Steve hits the drink and is absolutely less than 300 miles from where he took off, which begs the question? where is the takeoff?

Once again, we are not told exactly where in Türkiye the base is. But the two most plausible locations for weapons installation would be Istanbul or Izmir. Now, Steve is not an idiot. That's a matter of debate, but let's just say he's not an idiot. He knew he wouldn't make it to London on a tank of petrol. But he would have known that he could reach the Allied ships in the Mediterranean within a couple of hundred miles, so at best again. In the best case, he will fly from Izmir and be able to reach Crete, 270 miles away, the absolute maximum range we just calculated for an aircraft in the First World War.

Now, Crete is obviously not Themyscira because it was on the map and definitely not occupied by Amazon in 1918, but luckily for us there are literally hundreds of other small islands in and around that area and ones that weren't already owned by The Stars. movies could have easily replaced Themyscira. So to make it easier for us, we'll use this General area as Steve's crash point and say, well, now he has to go from here to get to London, okay Zach, I know it's been hard for you to keep up with all this geography, so far away So here's a nice photo of a duck that will keep you interested, and here's that duck in a faded color palette And hey, let's add some explosions Here's a ray of sky, am I getting connecting with you now?

Good! because now we get to the good part Or should I say the part that literally invalidates the rest of the movie because you can't sail from here to here more than 3000 and 300 miles in one night in 1918. Let me show you what I mean now , I'm not a Jack Sparrow expert. But I do know that the boat you're on has a lot to do with how fast you sail. The ship Diana and Steve take is an ancient Greek sailing ship, but that's bad news from the start, since ancient Greek ships were ridiculously slow. The fastest Greek ship is the trireme, which travels between 80 and one hundred kilometers per day!

And she was a huge ship! And she had 180 men rowing if that weren't quite ridiculous. Greek ships were not even able to change the direction of their sails. Meaning they had almost no control over their direction if the wind was blowing in the wrong direction. Which, by the way. in the Mediterranean it does it all the time This map shows that the wind in the Mediterranean basically spins in small circles, which means that in all likelihood Steve and Diana would have reached Italy or literally just circled between Egypt and Greece. over and over again because his damn boat can't turn right.

You know there are all those stories about Odysseus and all those other ancient Greeks sailing for weeks and stranded on random islands. Yes, it's because their ships were basically glorified Driftwood. If you keep this really accurate based on the ship they are using, getting to London would take a whopping TWO MONTHS. Let me say it again, TWO MONTHS. And we have given this the best. Case Scenario Based on all the factors we've considered so far, this means that the rest of the movie would have been over for almost six weeks when they showed up in port in that circumstance.

They also could have stayed home and had Steve talk a little more about above-average specimens with the Amazons. If I want to be really generous with this, we could say that they somehow have a more modern sail and can travel at the speeds of the America's Cup regattas, which is the oldest international sailing competition in history. These boats can reach up to 34 miles per hour. Although the fastest recorded was 55 miles per hour Oooh Hoo boy! Decelerate! They are almost reaching the speed limit of a two lane state highway, if they travel at the speed of a sailboat in the America's Cup they will do much better finishing the trip in just four days, still missing the vast majority of their own movie and showing up just in time for dr.

The poisons plan to gas London for it to take effect But! Even if we gave them the fastest sailboat in history, the Vestas SailRocket 2 at 75 miles per hour, they would still need about two full days to get from Crete to that London port. And that is giving them COMPLETELY impossible advantages. So is that it? Have we already denied this movie? No! Of course not. If the comments section has shown me anything it's that it's literally impossible for me to do enough research and approach these topics from enough angles where all of you are convinced that I actually do research on these things.

But I've already anticipated them. hit if you are one of the better commenters who actually leave thoughtful evidence against my

theory

, well you would say Hey, when they arrived in London, Steve mentions that they got lucky and traveled on a friend's tugboat. We had luck. We catch a ride. We made good time. Oh, happy day, your travel problems are solved, except you're not so fast, Steve and Zack, and the comments section not even your magical IMPOSSIBLE TRAVEL TRAILER will save you here. Early tugboats in World War I were rarer than you might think; At the start of the war, the British Royal Navy only had seven, which they mostly purchased from private tugs.

Private tugboats...? Oh, that's dirty... Professional tuggies! Ah, that's worse! TUG - NAVIGATORS EN However you want to put it, the British Navy built a couple of dozen more tugs before the end of the war, but most of them were harbor tugs, meaning they didn't go out to sea at greater depths. The ocean-going tugs weren't even completed until 1919, and the furthest they went from London was this area here between England and France. That means that, at most, the tug could have towed them the last 200 miles of her 3,300-mile voyage at about 14 knots. . 14 knots is about 16 miles per hour or about the speed of an aggressive twelve year old on a bicycle.

Needless to say, Steve may be getting lucky after that dance scene. But the tugboat isn't doing anything for him, believe me Zack, I tried! I tried to find a way to make this work for you. Through river systems Through alternative roads Through canals that were never even builtstill Through faster ships, but it's time to face the truth The way the movie is written Diana and Steve would literally miss the rest of their own plot, as well as the entire rest of World War I! The armistice occurs while they are still sailing around dr. The poisonous gas reignites tensions and kills thousands of people.

Wonder Woman doesn't lead a bikini-clad one-woman charge across the open trenches of Europe or survive a literal firestorm without singeing a hair. Ares ultimately wins as the war continues indefinitely and forever changes the course of history. And no matter how strong and independent Diana may be, not even she can change the geography of the real world. And now you know Wonder Woman's true ending. Steve and Diana run out of food. and water after three days because they didn't pack enough and are forced to disembark their ship in Italy after traveling 60 miles, and then spend the rest of 1918 eating pasta and trying to figure out what the hell Amazonian dancing is. but hey!

That's just a

theory

, A FILM THEORY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAY CUT.