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Famed Relationship Therapist Esther Perel Gives Advice on Intimacy, Careers, and Self-Improvement

Jun 06, 2021
Navigating

relationship

s and cultivating relational intelligence is key in all aspects of our personal and professional lives, but I would also say that at this moment mastering the language of

relationship

s is essential for the world in which we are going to live and for which we are designed. connections, but how can we do better? Can I ask you for a moment how many of you are new to me and how many of you are familiar with me? Okay, a circuit for those of you who are new to me. I have been a Psycho

therapist

for the last thirty-odd years.
famed relationship therapist esther perel gives advice on intimacy careers and self improvement
I have primarily done couples and family therapy, which means I am quite familiar with polarized systems with conflictual relational systems. As you know, couples therapy is a delivery center. I bring you my partner. I'll tell you what's wrong with him. him or her and ask him or her to fix it so that what is happening in the world right now is something that, as a doctor, I sit with every hour with thousands of people in conversation around the world with whom I deal with the complexities of Modern life. Relationships I believe that the burns and connections we have with other people give us a greater sense of meaning, happiness and well-being than any other human experience, that is, it is the quality of your relationships that will ultimately determine. the quality of their lives and there is a big difference in the way David Brooks talked about it between a glorious resume and the praise they will get, you know what I'm saying, even the eight-decade long Harvard longitudinal studies that have followed to men in At the end of the day everything these men had achieved and have achieved were the relationships that have the most important marker for their health, their mental health, their sense of well-being and the meaning of their life, this is true for everyone.
famed relationship therapist esther perel gives advice on intimacy careers and self improvement

More Interesting Facts About,

famed relationship therapist esther perel gives advice on intimacy careers and self improvement...

I don't think we can glorify relational importance just for women. Now let me ask you something: how many of you are currently in a relationship and how many of you would like to be in a relationship and how many of you would at least be in a relationship? occasion you would like to be out of the relationship, honestly, it's good and how many of you would say that you have ever had a difficult problem in the relationship, let's say at work, normal people and how many of you thought that the problem is with the other Now I want to ask how many of you thought maybe the problem is okay with me and how many of you thought both because that's probably the truth of the relationship, right, the relationship is not what happened, what each person is, but what what's going on. between the two people and it's that dynamic that I want us to explore together, you know, I think there are some big things happening right now, the nodes of the relationship are shifting rapidly, they're shifting under our feet and I've done a lot of work.
famed relationship therapist esther perel gives advice on intimacy careers and self improvement
Talking about them in the personal space, but what's really important is to see what's happening at work and how much of my work in relationships in the last year or two has led me to work with co-founders with executive teams in companies and at corporate conferences why because forever by the way, relationship intelligence until recently was the scourge of the workplace and you hear this. I've been hacked, someone is talking to me and everything related to relationships would have been called soft skills and soft skills. They have been considered feminine skills and feminine skills are something that you idealize in principle but don't want to do much in reality.
famed relationship therapist esther perel gives advice on intimacy careers and self improvement
This idea that the language of emotions is entering the workplace and has literally become the new buzzwords in business is very revealing. something that is happening right now and there is a lot of unrest in the world about relationships about how we handle disagreements, violations of trust and it makes us very anxious and when we get anxious we tend to react because the first thing we want to do is eliminate the anxiety in rather than sitting down, thinking about the process, listening and then figuring out what we want to do, so part of what we're going to do here is also slow down a little bit.
I think for me, if I were to look at it I would say there have been two revolutions in relationships, one is happening at home and one is happening now at work. Revolutions in relationships have two things in common and that is that not long ago our sense of identity was something that was basically given to us. for us and it is still the case in many other parts of the world you knew who you were you knew you had a clear sense of belonging you had a good sense of roots and you had a sense of continuity your rules were clear so you knew what was expected the parents knew how talk to their children husbands knew how to talk to their wives wives knew what not to say to their husbands were rules it was duty it was obligation it was clarity it was certainty and all the important decisions were made for us we wanted to say that you were rarely alone, but also you were barely free and now we live in our world here where we have more freedom or supposed freedom than we ever thought we had: clarity, rules, duty and obligations. have been replaced by choice and by options and certainty has been replaced by uncertainty and enormous

self

-doubt, it takes a lot to define who we are, that process of

self

-definition that is part of the formation of our identity at this moment, as the network has done. created a situation where the burdens of self have never been heavier and many of you spend your time wondering who I am, what I am, what I want to be, where I want to be, if this is good enough, can I be more?
I can be better? There's a reason the self-help movement is so powerful because it fuels a whole frenzy of individual people yearning for individual goals but ultimately also to connect with other people. This change has also been met with something else. For a long time our relationships at home were basically for survival, then we added romantic love and companionship and now we have climbed Maslow's ladder of needs and want intimate relationships for self-actualization, which means I want you to help me become the better. version of myself something very similar is also happening at work we are not leaving simply because the factory closes when we have those options we are leaving because we are not being promoted properly because we are not recognized because we are not seen because our identity Training is atrophying.
We expect our managers to be our coaches and help us move up Maslow's scale of needs. If we used to leave our relationships because we were unhappy and now we leave them because we could be happier. The same thing is happening in We do not leave work simply because we are not happy or because we are not receiving the salary we want, but we leave it for the quality of our life, our relationships and our self-development that we hope to find in those work situations. and for many of us we will have a ten year period where we will often be single or in nomadic relationships and will mainly seek to work to give us what our religion used to provide us.
What has fundamentally changed is the loss of the social structures of the church. religion, hierarchies, all that, you know, that

gives

a lot of foundation and now we have to create this all the time, so what has replaced the rules of conversations for the first time at the heart of the relationship is the conversation, It is not clear what you should do. it is not clear how they should talk to each other it is not clear if a person reacts this way they should do this or they should do that they should continue because they told us that if their parents had not continued then they would never have been there together and look how happy they are now because someone insisted or not, no you should not insist because you should get a clear signal and if you don't get a clear signal then it means you should stop, you recognize that one.
I had the most fascinating conversation here. last night until two in the morning, which completely changed the whole talk immediately because it was a representation of the moment we live in and we'll get to that, you know, what's interesting to me is the parallel changes when you look. in their romantic lives when they look at what has happened in the way that we have basically embraced romantic consumerism and we are looking for our soulmate on an app and we know that we have found the one we can delete the app and that is the new commitment ritual It's not a bouquet of flowers, you know, look how special you are to Morgan, you know that, but if you think for a second, you know what we're looking for, transcendence, mystery, oh, ecstasy, wholeness, I mean, all kinds of things that we used to look. because in the sanctuary of the divine this is a very interesting thing that is happening between religion, spirituality and relationality, if they have collapsed into each other.
You know that for most of history the soulmate was God, not another person you were going to have to experiment with. the multitude of needs, you know, that's one thing and the second thing that's happening is that we've brought the market economy into our romantic lives. If I lose, he calls it emotional capitalism. I mean, I can tell you 33 years ago 20 15 years ago. Wouldn't I do it here in my office? People described the relationship. This is not good business. You know, this is not what I expected. I have to cut my losses. Do you know where my KPI is?
You know there's hell in the language of relationships. Know? The market economy has entered the romantic space and at the same time the world of emotions has entered the business world. We talk about psychological safety. In the same sentence that we talk about performance reviews, we talk about authenticity, belonging, transparency and trust. It's incredible and we rarely define them by the way that longevity career loyalty what they mean today are being literally redefined by both workers and their managers by employers and employees and that means that for the first time relational intelligence in the work becomes essential now it's hard to talk about confidence when you live in a nomadic economy where the Wall Street Journal tells you that those who give up are the winners and that if you move a lot you will get more promotions and higher positions because you still At some level we have the idea that trust is something that is cultivated over time through trials and experiences together with other people, of course this has changed because we have a sharing economy where we trust complete strangers with our home. and our most precious belongings, so the whole definition of trust is changing, but it's hard to have a feeling of belonging when you don't stay long enough or to have a feeling of belonging when you're hired for days and hours because it fits the numbers of the company. and all the books these days about relationships are going to talk about belonging or the lack thereof and about loneliness or isolation and lack of connection, these are the two main themes that everyone talks about, in part because when You dismantle a system like the one we had and you introduce a new social system, you can become evangelical about it, you can be very happy with all the changes, but you have to deal with the consequences of the changes and one of the things that Siegel was talking about so beautifully yesterday is that an individual, a body, a society, a relationship, needs to regulate itself and one of the main things we regulate ourselves on is between stability and change, between chaos and rigidity, between past and future, when we have too many changes happening at the same time, we understandably feel anxious or distressed because we can't catch up, which is partly what is happening now and what has been driven in the last year by the new president of this country and by the new presidents of many other countries and by the The me2 movement is a unique educational opportunity, but it makes many people very nervous.
Understand what I say? Okay, because it's 9 in the morning and I'm inundating you with my nightly musings. You know I was awake the whole time. time thinking about this you have been sleeping and dealing with time, you know, so one of the consequences that I think is really essential is that how many of you would say that you have a thousand virtual friends, 500 virtual friends, 200 virtual friends and how many Many of you have wondered who you can ask to feed your cat or who will actually bring the birthday cake, not because you don't have friends but because they are spread out all over the world and they are not close to you and how The text message will tell you It will let you know that they are close, but they are not there to celebrate with you.
It's not the same, so this is one of the big changes. You know, there's another thing that I think is really essential and that reflects what's going on. at home and at work the home used to be basically a pragmatic institution and a production economy for a long time we needed children because we needed to be more productive they were an economic asset today they are an economic drain we needed to have 10 of them because only 6 would survive, since You know, there were many different precariousness in production, sex was for production, it was for having babies, basically, today we have asexual model in our committed relationship that is for desire and connection, for pleasure and connection. a service model that is not a production model, then the change at home from the production economy to the service economy in which I want a quality experience with you, I mean, what is the value of having children who well behaved and a good income in a stable home if I'm bored this is where we go I want a qualitative experience with you I want that endless experience to elevate me that's the whole self-actualization thing the same thing is happening at work in our brand world from acuity it's about the quality of the experience because otherwise literally all shoes are the same and cars and everything else, this idea that what you're going to capture is the quality of my experience and what does it mean that the quality of the experience must be transformative it must be inspiring it must provoke my curiosity it must be meaningful it is a There are many things we want in these qualitative experiences both at work and at home, so let me ask you a second time if you have ever censored yourself in a situation where you wished you had spoken but you didn't say anything because you were just thinking it.
It wasn't worth it or the consequences might not be pleasant get up Wow okay now just look around you this is something I learned from Priya who some of you may have seen the first day Priya Parker had the art of gathering when you think about this for a minute just count on yourself your own personal relational responsibility I wish I had said or done what and then can I still do it? In line with that, stand up if in your work you are responsible for the lives of others and Stand up if in your home or personal life you are responsible for the lives of others.
You see that doesn't just mean kids. True, millions of people right now are caregivers or carers. It's a stress we rarely talk about. Can I ask just one more? From this, how many of you are left standing if you send a portion of your paycheck or income to family members? Now let me specify that not your immediate family, not your spouses and children, but still look at this, these are community structures that you never get. We talk now. Can I ask something about how many of the people who do this are immigrants or first generation? Stay standing.
Well, that's also a story we don't talk about. We are talking about a completely different story of migration. You already know. Fine, thanks. I mean, I can fill a bucket with bad news, but it's not true, it doesn't necessarily reflect the whole story, there is some truth to it, but there are many other aspects. Do you know how many of you would say you've let other people make the decision? credit for your achievement and didn't say anything to avoid conflict or repercussions well look around you don't look at me these are community responses and here is the question now for women how often do you think you have done this more when you were in a relationship with men and the men looked around and Mamie asked the men if they think they have done this more in their relationships with women.
This is a very important answer that I just discovered and I don't know if it is true but I know it is considered true that very few men will stand up and say that but many women experienced that that is what they have done think about it and what needs to change for that, you know, and this is not a question of blame, it's a question of attribution, you know the actor may be equally responsible, but it's happening in a context and in a certain context we think it's supposed to. we must behave in a certain way, stand up if you have ever been rejected, now imagine people who instead of you The first question is what do you do and what is your IPO?
You actually said to someone, have you ever experienced heartbreak and know that what would follow is a story because our relationships are stories? And the story would be the novel you wish you had read but didn't. Don't you know how many of you would say that you were the first to reject? Stay standing and let me ask the next one how many of you would say that you are the one who rejects because you prefer to leave first so you can defend yourself from the fear of being rejected. Do you follow what I said? Okay, thank you, thank you, oh that's good, get up, wait if you've ever had a lousy sexual encounter that was also unsatisfying, but you went along with it anyway. a gender neutral question, but I know women are often surprised to see that this is actually a general experience rather than a gendered answer, just pay attention to that of course, what was it, why and they already know all that.
I'm going to come back in a second and I can ask a question to the men or people who identify as men in the room, stand up if you've ever felt like less of a man in the presence of other men, thank you now, hold on because this is a question. and an answer that not enough people know not enough people know the fragility of male identity or masculine identity how difficult it is to develop it and how easy it is to lose it how you need to constantly defend yourself prove your worth It reaffirms that a lot of attention has been paid to privilege and aggression and that there is not enough research and curiosity about the challenges.
As you know, there used to be a statement made in France by Elizabeth Vedanta that said that one is born as a woman and what becomes a man and that need to prove oneself all the time there is no feminine feminine version of the man above or the real man or show me what you got and all that and everyone who says they know what What you need to know is that the male code is primarily a function of social control from one man to another, not just from men to women. Thank you, stand up, if you have been blessed to have a mentor in the realm of relationships.
Wow. Okay, okay because I don't want to ask if you've had mentors in your business life because everyone is going to put up with this inequality between having models for how to do business but not having enough models for how to live your relationships. It is necessary to change it. It really is essential and I know that some of you may be your parents and some of you may be the neighbor and some of you may be someone you actually never even met, but it is absolutely clear that having a mentor in the relationship is essential. so that people have something they can aspire to and emulate, so take a moment for those of you who are standing and thanking them and then make a mental note if they have ever told you and if they haven't, It's a good idea and don't wait until they are on their deathbed and if you don't, ask yourself who you could reach out to, who would be someone you could talk to about that part of your life that isn't.
It's okay that

therapist

s like me are often the only people who hear the stories and the truth and especially now it's fake news on social media where everyone has to flaunt their happy and joyful lives, no one has any idea what's going on. happening in the lives of others, your best friends. It can come and break and you didn't even see it coming, you know what I'm saying? okay, thanks, oh yeah, let me ask you that, get up, wait if the last thing you do before going to bed is caress your phone, reluctant. but spend and get up if the first thing you do when you wake up is drop your phone just the same and get up if you're doing it right there's actually someone lying in bed next to you who's awake who has to change, I mean, people think. for a second where are we coming from and I'm NOT like you know the person who hasn't been in those situations so I know how to ask the questions but this is not okay because what it creates is a very interesting situation in relationships right now. . moment and it's a term that I borrowed from Pauline boss and it's called ambiguous loss.
Ambiguous loss was often used when people were talking about someone who is physically present but psychologically absent, such as a parent who has Alzheimer's or someone who is physically absent but psychologically absent. present as someone who has disappeared, do you understand that right now when I do this and I am busy and I am lying or sitting next to you that you are experiencing an ambiguous loss? I am physically present but psychologically I am gone and everyone knows that when you talk to someone and there is a gap between your conversation and their response, because they are multitasking and that leaves you with the feeling that you don't really matter and if you really don't matter you start having a crisis of meaning and you start having longings and you start wondering where can I feel like I'm really important and seen, etc., so a wake-up call.
You know the person here was going to start a new alarm clock company that just does that. Think you could kill it, get up if you have discovered that too often you put the best parts of yourself to work, that is, at work you feel erotic, erotic in the full sense of the living world, present, attentive, focused, curious, playful, creative, imaginative that you have ever forgotten. anything you understand erotic in that full sense that you are thriving and you bring that thriving part of you to work and you bring the leftovers to your personal life, so let me ask that those who are standing stay standing if you wish you were really putting more effort, more commitment, more investment in their personal life and if they stand, no one sits down, so no one really likes it.
Some of you, some of you, think it's fine the way it is or what I have to do now, but for those. Of you who want this to change, quickly take note of what you should do at least before seeing me again, that is, you have a year, that is a long time, my patients have a week, you already know what you have to do . Tell me at 36 hours that I made Excel ready why you know what is one thing that you could concretely do that does not have to be qualified, excused and defended and explain the way in which we would bring a different balance to where you put the best parts of yourself, okay, now the person on your right, turn to them for a minute and just share with them what stood out to you in what we just talked about, it's about two sentences for each change, okay, so if you like this conversation, make sure when you leave here you tell this person let's move on and you don't know where it's going to take you, it could take you to this completely different view of things you've never talked about.
Everyone has a relationship history. They all grew up with people who. they were there for you or they were less there for you or they weren't there for you at all everyone wished they had received more attention or less attention you understand that some of us got too much of something and some of us had too much neglect and absence of something and everyone here has narratives about relationships, which means everyone can ask themselves the questions: Did you grow up in a family that talked about relationships as central to your life and saw them as important?
It was a relational life orientation versus a task orientation. life was one where you were told that people are there for you, you can trust them, if you have a problem, go and talk to them or where you told them that you have your own legs to stand on, no one is going to come in and solve your problems and that influences how you actually collaborate or compete because you believe that people are there for you or because then you don't believe it basically, where you were raised for autonomy or where you were raised for loyalty is not one of the two things. or it's an emphasis where they brought up interdependence or self-sufficiency and since many of you are entrepreneurs, the answers are very interesting about where you got your messages from and what are the narratives and beliefs that you have created around it. that and here is the most important thing, do not do everything even for a minute, that the dowry of your relationship does not come with you to work, it does not stop at the door of the building where you are going to work when you talk about responsibility in the relationship, when you talk about trust and all those things go back and find your story so you can see how you can edit it and write new pages to it, okay, now let's talk together, there are microphones in the room and we're going to chat.
I'm not going to do a traditional Q&A, but I'll answer a bunch of questions at once and people, a question is a question, if your question turns into a false statement or a story, I'll be the editor, yeah , come on. They are coming, they are coming, they are coming, you did an exquisite job of describing the consequences of our hyper-individuality and the destruction of the conventional structures in which we have lived religiously or communally and also the rules, morals and ethics that somehow govern things and it gave us identity and comfort and I observe that a lot because I think that is the question the question is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no, no, that's perfect.
The question is: Do you believe that everything we have destroyed and disturbed and the amount of suffering? It is caused by individuals, it has been worth it and what do you think will replace it? Oh, that's an amazing question. Well yeah the next one no I don't worry yeah so you just say your name Eric yeah hello Eric so my business partner and I are in a placewhere there is a dead spot in communication on transparency and we both raise our hands saying this is at least 50% mine and at least partly yours, we're both really there so I'm looking for

advice

, cool, the next floor up is there someone hello where is that - I left my left my left is yours it's here but it's okay down below are your people yes hello hello I'm Alison hello I'm going to solve that problem wait a second glasses because I don't see Does anyone believe that part of the reason we don't have more relationship mentors is because we don't know what a successful relationship looks like and because of social media we believe that certain people have great relationships when maybe they don't and true?
People don't have good relationships if they're not in all of your Instagram photos, but yes, I have a question regarding observations of your workplace evolution: are there any tricks, quick fix recommendations on how we can help employees get more than they need? in the workplace this is carmina do you think i think this is how i treat myself internally? Me up here is like my outside world and how I am treated in the relationship is a reflection of how I treat myself internally. Say it again, please. Do you think my external relationships and how they treat me is a reflection of how I treat myself?
Myself, internally, beautiful question, yes, hi Christopher, so I have a question. A lot of times you hear and experience your closest relationships, you're actually causing the most conflict and I guess that's the hardest thing about dealing with those relationships, so on a personal note and in a business, then your recommendations on how to deal with those close relationships and creating more harmony, okay, let me tell you a few things, these are thoughts, people, okay, don't start writing down the seven key points of something you seriously know. I'm very confident when I speak, but that doesn't mean I think I'm right, it's very important because we cultivated this together and what we're facing now are our adaptive challenges, so this is the question about what we've lost, but I'm going to start With a different one, I'm going to start with something that speaks a little more about two or three of the fundamental ideas that accompany me when I think about relationships.
I think the first one, I'm going to give you some. My mentor used to say, certainty is the enemy of change. to say that most people are capable of more than what they are and what they do but they don't always know it and that model of strength that model of resilience accompanies me a lot so when you can always be true but it is not difficult to have right and being alone that's what happens in a lot of relationships you stick with it and you think you're right but you write alone the second thing that's really fundamental for me when thinking about relationships is that it's not the content that matters so much. like the shape.
Do you understand that meaning? Yesterday was not the beautiful conversation we had last night. You might have thought it was about this story versus that story when really it was about what was underlying it and what the form was. that was underlying, what are the three main hidden problems that exist underneath many relationship dynamics and conflicts in relationships, whether it's about power and control, about closeness and care, about respect and recognition, it didn't matter what the stories were that the people counted. What matters is that each wanted their story to be recognized and each wanted the other to do it first.
What if you have a certain pattern, a certain model, you will find that you can talk about Greenpeace in South Korea or the next investment? you're going to do and the tone will be the same get off topic and look at what you're doing and use these three hidden dimensions of the network to see where the problem is and then the next one if you want to change the other change yourself if the relationships are compounded of interdependent parts if you change one part and consistently non-contingently hold on to it sooner or later the other has to adapt to something but the same would be true and this is something I want to do I say particularly in light of the conversations we are having in this moment where people say why should I help you?
Go figure out your stuff, you know, man, your people, you know, when you help the other person change or grow, it's an enlightened self. -interest do not think that you are doing this only for them if we are interdependent parts if they change your life too women's lives will not change until men arrive that means they also need a few decades to rethink what is happening so that those concepts bear with me when you have these communication problems with your partner first of all, of course, to begin with, you know what you think is happening and it's just what you think is happening, you don't know the facts. which means that's another important change, not the facts because the facts don't matter, it's the experience of the facts and the meaning we give them and the experience we have of them and how we react to them that tells the story, so , where is the man, with the business partner, you were somewhere here, yes, you know, and then he basically says that we will not solve any of the problems until we address the relationship first because everything, the way will be the same, will have the same arguments in the so you ask what is it what does it trigger in you what do I evoke in you what do you think what happens to you when I start you know it's like the moment you start you know and you start telling what happened to everyone there and basically you try to Seeing if you can read what the other person is saying when you fundamentally disagree with it, which we are able to do for 10 seconds, that is three sentences before we are no longer listening and are busy with our rebuttal, is not a good idea. amount of time, so it's really that practice.
I just want to learn, listen, and figure out what's going on without having to agree with anything. If you can separate listening from agreeing or recognizing from what is really green, you are already a good step I could take. a whole day on it, but that's what I do and linking that to what's going on, you know, in terms of what we can bring to people, to me is really one of the most important things and for all of these things there are ten different ones. ways to answer just so we know, but the question about what can we give back to employees humanity humanity it's not conceivable that people would send an email to someone who was sitting next to them this is crazy you know it's not okay to make a Incorporating with the virtual chat box the entire person will get the neurons Relational intelligence is the ability to deal with the complexities and nuances and ambiguities of relationships are iterative experiences are not resolved algorithmically yet at least your EQ and IAI are not yet They're on par, say it and you know and I know that people who are very interested in AI and are honest about it agree with her, not because that means she's right, but because there's something about this way that We have evolved which allows us to have multiple senses and multiple ways of experiencing this new person that is coming.
The next thing I would say, especially when people don't stay too long at the moment, is to have rituals that recognize when people have walked into, you know, a women's gathering yesterday. It was very interesting, we were all there for the women's summit, etc. and it occurred to me that everyone came to talk to me, not everyone, a lot of people came to talk to me and basically I was the person they knew and Tinka, I'm sure some of you are in the room and I thought it wasn't right for me to be the only one you know when it's actually necessary, so everyone talks about connecting and a connected community and all that, but no one basically said who are the new people here, welcome. hospitality you know old fashioned you know would you like a cup of tea? feel welcome in my house you know that kind of thing you know who you are you identify people who have been here the longest show up you know I was once an immigrant I know what it's like to walk down the street and have no idea where you're going, you know , and then someone says you know, let me show you and then one day you show up and you've become the local and everyone here was once that newcomer. and probably could have used the process that just makes it more human and welcomes your basic common sense, you know what we lost and look, I think we still don't know what we lose because we are still in the reaction to the loss itself and in the moment when there is massive social change, it's always like in a relationship that you have the people who push towards stability and tradition in the past and how things used to be and you have the people who push towards change and the fact that it's phenomenal and we should eliminate all those things that don't work anyway and become fans of Vangie's lists and of course you can only have a fan on one side because you have someone else who is a fan on the other side what do you need. with each other, they are interdependent parts and they are complementary.
The day there is nothing that stops you, you cannot simply flee because you need a border and a port to return; We all need those two things, security and change, stability, whoever it may be. whatever, I think what we know we're losing is that everyone feels like something in the quality of the relationship is disappearing, that said people who grew up in communities where there isn't a lot of freedom don't idealize them, they think they're often real systems of oppression, but what I do think is interesting: I was in Romania a few weeks ago and you know this was a society in which almost everyone spied on each other in a phenomenal way, the closer you were, the more they spied on you.
Last night I taught you in bed what social media is, it's the new Tsukuba kotti, you know it's a phenomenal form of social control and you don't even need to leave the house to let people know what you're doing and what you're not doing, and this for me. It's an interesting paradox. I don't know if we are actually much freer. We have basically created our own panopticon in which we are being watched all the time by ourselves and those around us and this is the interesting thing and then the question about this. It's very interesting, do people relate to me in a way that really reflects the way I relate to myself? no not necessarily no.
I actually think you learn to treat yourself differently because of the way people treat you. I don't think you know that we don't see ourselves the way other people see us, you know and you always know, like I said, it wasn't. I have had all the entry documents into this country that I can have, so when I arrived at JFK there were three lines. This is for me a beautiful metaphor for the topic of identity. How I see myself and how others see me. You know there was the passport holder line and the passport holder line.
I've been here for 24 hours, but for the external definition of identity, you're American, no one cares if you identify, if you relate something, that view sees me from the outside in and then you have the line of tourists that I was for a long time and You can be here and you can at agency level and you can have switched from soccer to soccer and all that, you know that, but the internal definition suits you very well once you are on the other side of passport control, but not in the passport control. then the entity is distorted which is a phenomenal entity which is called the resident foreigner the resident among us the foreigner who lives with us the chef gerotor as the Bible used to call him that is the person who has a vision that is phenomenal because it is the way what you treat the other which will finally tell you who you are voila we have time for one or two more ah sorry ah yes I guess that's fine I'll tell you everything so I have two minutes where are you? you are the question worth the time and I have a question about any relationship where a trust has been betrayed.
Yeah, when do you decide it's better to work on it or just leave? So my whole new book was about the situation. modern relationships through the lens of betrayal and so are many of the podcast episodes where should we start, which are couples therapy sessions for life, so you really hear that live announcement, raw conversations, real and unscripted on this very question, he is the one. What I want you to imagine is that if you think that trust will never happen again and until I know that it will never happen again, I can't trust you, then you will never trust because trust, as Rachel Botsman beautifully says, is an active commitment and responsible with the unknown is an act of faith if you have to know it before you will never trust the act of trust is the commitment to what you cannot know with certainty that is the definition and whether you stay or go does not simply depend on that, because it is you may have been betrayed for certain things, well a lot of other things stayed in place, it's very contextual and then you think you have a history of betrayals from before, what is this the first time, what happened, do you know what it's like? the most important?
What happens when you have been hurt or hurt is what Tarana was talking about yesterday is the fact that someone comes and recognizes that they have hurt you.Nothing is more important to healing than owning up to it and acknowledging the remorse you feel. for doing it even if they thought they had good reasons for doing it, that's another thing, even if they don't feel bad about what they did, they can still feel bad about what they did to you and that duality is really important if we do it. We only know that they feel bad for us because we know that they feel bad for doing it, so you will constantly be in a power struggle between each other.
Did you understand that this is a whole chunk in a minute so let me tell you where they are? you overcome, yes, when an individual moves from scarcity to abundance through Maslow's hierarchy of needs, how does that affect relationships with others? Good relationships today, says Hill I Finkle, are better than relationships of the past, but very few people manage to climb the new Olympus. so the main thing is that these thriving relationships are those that encompass contradictory needs the contradictory needs can be the need for security and the need for adventure the need for what emphasizes togetherness versus the climate at this point can emphasize separation is that flexibility is the ability to hold on and be rooted in things and also leap into completely new territories.
It's both extremes that to me really is the quality of a thriving relationship and thriving relationships are what I would call the opposite of, you know, that's not the point. The last thing, no matter the needs, is that there really are relationships that are not dead, everyone knows them and then there are relationships that are alive and you all know them too and sometimes the question is how do you get over something that killed you. that created a kind of death and you bring her back to life, people if you want to know specifically how this goes, probably the podcast where should we start is the most important thing because it's like a public health campaign about relationships that takes you backstage from other couples in a way that we no longer know because we no longer have porous walls we could be dead three days before the neighbor finds out you know if you want to know about what I do and what I do and with work relationships and with relationships as a co-founder he only sees a sterile calm and as You can hear that I am deeply interested in the topic of men and that didn't really start with me; on the mountain, the first time I came, someone said what do you want to talk about next and I said men and they said no one cares and I said that's not true because when a man talks, like many of you who were in the workshop last night they know he did it so wonderfully.
When a man speaks, he often listens to himself for the first time and much less to others, so I thought it was not necessary. He will be a male version of the Oprah show, but now, of course, everyone wants to talk about it, so I decided to create the first conference which was called The Paradox of Masculinity. It is for therapists, coaches, educational educators and human resources mainly. eight of the people with me from whom I have learned the most about them, how to think about masculinity, modern masculinity, the formation of modern men, the cultural and psychological concepts that surround that topic, which is why it is called the paradox of masculinity and will be broadcast live on November 10. thank you

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