Every Single HECKLE! | Jimmy Carr

what ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for a living I think of jokes in my head and then I tell them so you like it sounds a little tragic what I said what was it that doesn't work this is as good as ever the gallows I'm not coming to your work and not the sailors in your mouth where are you? He is not working man, give us a greeting, what are you doing sir? Are you in telecommunications? what are you doing? Do you call you on the phone? Sorry, you build them. Network. Ironically, communications work in Kannada.

They chain the phrase. That's the most annoying thing. The most annoying thing I get is one. I've prepared a joke almost to the end and someone says. It is invariably the same. So it's words: Erlan. Where is Olin? He's not my Béte Noire. It's just a little annoying. Where's Alan? your house, your dad, I think we all knew it, including him, I think we all knew it was a trap, I could sense you as someone who was going to hold on, oh, and then some brave soul over there said no, now I'm going to take one for the team instead of your dad. well, that leads me very clearly to the next material, here you go kids, it was like that, sorry, why Jimmy, what did you contribute to something you said, continue, Jimmy, okay, ironically, slow down the things you do often, that it just stops people. the street passes over you or you don't do it I just don't tell you to continue when it's the comedy in what's your name sir?

What's your name David what's your favorite color David blue seems like the fairest way to deal with your David, there are so many things I could say, number between one and eight, David six, okay, and you told me when the comedy comes out that says that if you want it to come back you will have to scrape it out of your mother's tea, not these things. lies David these things online I'm kidding she swallowed a lot it was that I was bullied at school no what I'm sorry, but I appreciate it, we're all having fun. I'll open this can of amazing pop that's remarkably safe for a man in some kind of hoodie.

What do you do, sir? Do you mind if I ask your student what he's studying? he's still in high school in Ireland and what he wants to be when he grows up, what forgiveness he wants Be a lawyer so you know you're falling. I met you here tonight. You are alone. So far we know that you are alone and you are a little different from Enya, frankly, what is your name? Chris, Hi Chris, you're right. If you come to take a shower, even come on the weekend, come home to see the show. God bless you. Chris, feel free to join anytime.

The more aggressive the better, honestly, I'm sorry. a stone just faints yeah you know you're in plans go right where someone pays you 2250 to scold you so why don't we interrupt Amnesty for three minutes or you can just fill your boots if you have something abusive to yell at Bob, you actually have Tourette's, that was fun, boom boom, so we should shut up with the rudest words, you know, any other interruptions, well, sorry, Peter Kay sold out so you had to come here . Luckily, I bet I wouldn't give you a Unfortunately, I'm not Peter Cane, my girlfriend, well, maybe we're good, double team, err, my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy, yeah, people see my girlfriend and me They come and say she will just go.

I'm hanging out with you because you're famous and I'm saying goodbye and famous. What is your point? I'm not going to trade your girlfriend for your girlfriend. If she is fine, can I clarify that you are a beautiful lady? No disrespect to where she had called. I had to put him down and the only way to get to him was through you. I also like the shape. I suggest your girlfriend wasn't good looking up and you clapped your hands. Yes, you will use those hands later when someone is here. I've been to Alton Towers, what do you think?

You enjoy it? I enjoyed it yeah it's great go on without you do you have a moment omg tell me more you're great sorry the best thing about Alton Towers was we stole a fruit vending machine which is awesome. phrase I'm sorry sir, your time is tonight, now forget it, forget you've been stuck outside, well I talked to you, you went to Allentown and your walls of complaints aren't enough to need. I love the way you're using now an expression of you stole a nice city nice machine you steal a free machine come on we're friends you all know I'm a boy you're a boy we steal things from food machines what's your name Mr.

Daniel well, Nice to meet you Daniel, what do you do? Unless you're the cleaner, they've made a huge error in judgment, so how long have you been researching this joint? About a year and when is the big job. This is good. Will I get paid more if this ends up on Crimewatch? Why am I laughing? like a sexual predator I like the way there sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other sexual predator I don't know why I laugh like that it's one of the mysteries of life in the same way as why you dressed like a lumberjack gay like big thick logs, yes how BIG it is, well I'm not sure if your mother would feel comfortable talking about it, but speaking of which, you'll see that heartbreaking story in the mirror newspaper last year, they ran a campaign, Are you bragging to the other kids, are you pretending you can read a heartbreaking story?

You mean it's on page three? Sorry, I'm good for fruits and vegetables. Thank you. I guess that's what she's talking about. You know it was a free night. for someone in it, yes, I think, if I'm not mistaken, that's one of the victim Stein theorems, you attribute it to his mother. I'm not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision. You know you sell that you come from a very broken home. I'm not suggesting your mom, but only because you wouldn't want to have time with your sister. I like reverse cowgirl, but you know I'm old-fashioned that way.

What is your lord? Various I think I can, yes. Imagine why it's only there where

every

one can stand that he knows well which hotel is quite fancy, so I'll have to be your house. I don't think they'll let you in now, they have a policy on that guy. of things and although I'm not paying you, it seems like I'm how old, grandma, we're in a hurry, I'm lazy, is that how old, how old are you, or would you mind telling us how old you are, how old? Well, I'll guess how old you think I am, you think I'm 12, well. , you shouldn't even have those kind of thoughts about me, why do I look like Hitler, nein, nein, nein, which many others said, what am I sorry?

See I have a big nose What are you? I mean, I literally don't have a big nose. It's a strange hat. It's like an insult. You've heard someone else use you. Have you gone. I have a big nose which will work better. with the comedian with a big nose what is your name Mr. Thomas what are you doing Thomas are you a student are you studying mathematics math shots are you in school Thomas? I don't know if we should continue this further because it's time for I want to fix you up at school, you have a big nose and other boos.

Oh, what was that? That sounded good. What was that? What was it? I'm a pedophile I was just chatting to him I haven't done anything let's have a round of applause for the ladies some around you that's probably enough looking around some of them haven't made any effort you haven't so yeah, ah, bless, Mungo, it's not a lie, I saw your comment, I haven't made much effort, well There are some cameras and some lights. I don't know what you had in mind. That's what could come to your work and not the sailors that come out of your mouth.

It seems like a very strange thing to say from a rather tough looking Glasgow man. Let's say or you haven't made much effort I thought you'd be dressed prettier it's a bit Prison Rape coming for you sir it feels like one I'm sorry it's buttoned up but that's water you've probably heard of it who is it? The most famous person I've ever met while I'm not on a prairie, he's pretty awesome. I don't want to brag, but you know, you know, you know, no, you know how towns have idiots, yeah, I met idiot for all of Glasgow, one of the biggest counts in the world, yeah, a new one married him again, that's just will happen in Glasgow, you call someone and their wife says, yes, sex is always a bear in hotels, have you noticed that the ladies, yes, sex is? always be patient in hotels why is that because it's with a prostitute because you don't have to look sorry because you don't have to clean the sheets how are you she there's a hole maybe later oh I don't see the bomb better The sex continues, Yes, sir, I always think you know you're doing something bad, sexually bad in a good way, when you think we'd better put down the towel before that happens.

We believe that you always know that we are doing something, be experimental, yes, it will be better. Just cover that first kiss, yeah, I've never done this before, it could end badly, I don't even know if you'll make it, but good luck, love, I'm sorry, posh, prick, it seems a little harsh, what a man, how are you? are you calling, sir? Myles Myles do you think it might be a bit fancy Oh Myles what's your favorite color blue seems like the fairest way to deal with this you some blue number between one and eight miles four hmm Oh say if you've come like you I've won ooh little fact interesting for you, obsessive Star Trek fans are known as virgins.

I don't like it when tabloids are homophobic because it's a very important part of our culture. The tabloids, when they get it wrong, send a very bad message. Do you remember last year when they discovered a footballer, which is a terrible thing anyway, they are out of this footballer and in the course of the article where they brought out this guy who is homosexual they described consensual oral sex between two adults here two guys? sucking each other they describe it as a joke, how degrading for homosexuals is it that that act of making love is described as a joke and it doesn't work from the other point of view either because I like to think of myself as some kind of Prankster, but I don't think I've ever said I got you, don't forget the balls, that's you, you really care, what about you sir, you're from New York, what are you doing here?

Do you mind if I ask you? something you moved here for work what kind of work do you do? I mean, I'm not suggesting that I need to see your papers, but what are you bringing to the party? Finance an Ikea. The only good thing is that the ATMs look like the 80s. it's our language, you ruined it, yes, next time you have a fight with someone, stop involving us, they will blame you for

every

thing, continue Yuki, I'm sorry, if it wasn't for you, we would be speaking German, how little do you know about our? Language skills, there's no way we would have learned that in 60 years, who has a side part?

You'll kick yourself when I call bestiality because it's easy, let's think about this because a lot of people just dismiss bestiality as a terrible thing let's look at both sides let's say you're a cow and that could happen you sound like a crazy person no, let's pretend you care you haven't really hurt to the cow cows are huge you're not going to bother him with your little one but you I know, but you probably just emphasize the days of the animals. You're probably thinking what he's up to. On the plus side, although you've had a great time and if you have a baby with a cow, he'll be a little tall, he's like a bully. from Diana just putting it in terms he will understand yes dad what is the worst gift you have ever received birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's Day what is the worst part of you that you have received we had a great time what was that say a little louder no like what is okay a chair no what's your name I'm sorry Toby Toby would you mind if I shared with the group thank you very much Toby that makes it a lot easier because there is someone who interrupts a good

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r a good

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r a fun heckler but we have to do it?

Do it, let's let it go now, God, I wish I could let it go, but I can't make rules, but you don't mind me sharing with the groups, that makes it so much easier, we can go old school, what are we going to stop? ? stagnation, don't panic sir, I got this. I'll have to put him as a waiter. Toby's mom is so fat she's an embarrassment. Toby, his mother is such a beefy monkey that she wobbles and wobbles. Sakthi boom bah t she fat nothing, she was so fat when she fell. Coming down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished the real story you sir, what did you say, what was it, stop stalling, yes, what's your name, are you trying to say?

Gary, look at me, Gary, yes, yes, yes, that good, Gary, if he wants me back. I'll have to get it out of your mother's teeth. People with Tourette syndrome. What motivates you. It was originally about suicide bombers. I've toned it down for you.