Every Classroom Sketch Ever - Key & Peele

- If one of you says some silly name, the whole class will feel my wrath. Now, De-nice. - Are you referring to Denise? - Motherfucker. (clipboard breaks) ♪ I love you ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪ (school bell rings) (children chatting) (knocks on the door) - I'm your substitute. Mr. Nostrand. But that could also say that it doesn't make sense, because I don't play. Now, today will not be a day off. In fact, today you'll work harder than... (fart squeals) (kids laughter) - Someone's calling a code brown here. - See you later Mr. Poop-strand. (school bell rings) - Alright, listen up

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yone, I'm your substitute teacher, Mr.

Garvey. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, so don't even think about messing with me. Do you feel me? 'Good. Let's take roll call here. Jay-quelin. Where is Jay-quelin? Isn't there Jay-quelin here? (clears throat) Yes. - You mean Jacqueline? - Well. This is how she's going to be. Everyone wants to play. Well then. I've got my eye on you, Jay-quelin. Buh-lockay. Where is Buh-lockay? Isn't there any Buh-lockay here today? Yes sir. - My name is Blake. - You're crazy? Blake? That? Do you want to go to war, Buh-lockay? - No. - Because we could go to war. - No I'm serious.

I'm serious. So you better check it yourself. De-nice. Is there a De-nice? If one of you says some silly name, the entire class will feel my wrath. Now, De-niza. - Are you referring to Denise? - Motherfucker. (clipboard breaks) You say your name right, right now. -Denise. - Say it right. -Denise. - Correctly. Good. -Denise. Denise. - Good. - Unpleasant. - That's better, thank you. Now, AA-ron. Where are you? Where is A-A-ron right now? Not A-A-ron, huh? Well, you better be sick, dead or dumb, A-A-ron. - Here. Oh man. - Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh? - Huh? - I just, you know, I just asked you, I said it like four times, so why didn't you say it the first time I said A-A-ron? - Why is it pronounced Aaron? - Motherfucker! (equipment beeps) You've already ruined it, A-A-ron!

Now get your ass into O-shag-hennessy's office right now and tell him exactly what you did. - WHO? - O-shag-hennessy. - Principal O'Shaughnessy? -Get out of my damn

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before he breaks his foot on your ass! Insubordinate. And rude. Tim-o-thee. - Present. - Thank you. (pencil scribbles) (school bell rings) - The longest side of the right triangle is called the hypotenuse, and here is this side. Look, the longest one. - Hey. I wish I was high on potency. (laughs) - I wish I was high on potenusa. (

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yone laughs) - Okay, okay, okay. Mr. Morrison is very funny, he is very funny, but let's get back to the lesson.

Now if you can see, the longest one, where it goes from this point to that point. - That was my joke. (speaks quietly) - I know, man, that was really funny. - Of a triangle. I've labeled them here, A, B and C. (speaks quietly) - No, but I mean, I said that. I said. I said. I said that. - Please, please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself. Thank you. (sighs) Now, the hypotenuse, it's... (everyone laughs) Mr. Morrison, you really understood me on that. Ugh, how cool. Oh, oh, Director Martel, Director Martel, come here, come here, come here.

Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy. - Oh, you, she was talking about the hypotenuse and I said: I wish I had a lot of potenuse. (all laughing) I'm sorry. He likes. The manager Martel is great. - Oh-ho-ho, that's it, that's very funny. - Director Martel, Director Martel, I already said that. - Mr. Jackson, that's enough. - But I said it first. - Oh, Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, yes, come in, come in. (all gasping) - Yes. What's happening, people? - Fluffy. -Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is touring local schools today for a charity he is working for. Tell him what you said, tell him what you said. - Dude, um, I wish I was high on potenuse. (all laughing) I said it like that. - Oh Lord.

That's smart. That's clever, very funny. Very funny. - No no. - Good? Thanks thanks. -No, wait, wait, Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, I am his biggest admirer. That was my joke. - You know, it's not very cool, friend, to take credit for other people's jokes. Oh listen, fun stuff. I'm doing this big tour right now. Do you want to see if maybe we could talk about your opening? I need an opener. - Uh, uh, sure. - What do you think? Alright? Yeah? - Of course of course. - Eh what? (everyone murmuring) - Talent, man. - Hey, it's a pleasure to meet you, thank you very much. - He looks like a Richard Pryor, come here, man.

Come on. - Richard Prior! - He deserved it. Okay, facing the longest side there is a 90 degree angle. - Thank goodness I have a 90 degree angle. - Joe, stop it! You will never be Troy! - Why are you trying to be like Troy? Cock. - And you, nerdy girl? - He he. - So, the hypotenu-- (everyone starts laughing) - What (bleep) is happening? - I'm going to pee my pants. I'm going to piss right here. Oh Lord. (pencil scribbles) (school bell rings) - I'm going to give a little rant here. Jay-quelin. - Here. - You're present.

Buh-lockay. - Right here. -UH Huh. De-nice. - Here. - Good. Jes-seeka. Thank you. - Mr. Garvey. - What's up A-A-ron? - Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today. - Oh. Oh, is that so? - Mm-hm. - And what, please tell me, is the reason for this premature exodus? - Yearbook photos. Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early to meet our clubs. (laughs) - Okay, you know what? That might work with other substitute teachers, but I taught inner city for over 20 years. Now you want to leave my class early so we can meet at the club.

None of you are old enough to go to the damn club! Ridiculous. - Mr. Garvey? - God, son of a bitch! (clipboard breaks) Did I start stuttering? - Only then? Yes. - I'll throw you out that damn window. What, Jay-quelin? - Mr. Garvey, we are telling the truth, we have clubs at this school, we have special interest clubs. - Okay, I see, then you all want to play. Everyone wants to play, yeah, okay, let's play little games. Okay, I'll play. I'm more than happy to play some games with all of you. Anyone in a club, stand up.

Aha, oh yes, there it is. There are the usual suspects. What the hell are you on, Jay-quelin? - Future leaders of America. - Well well. How would you know if you are going to be a leader in the future? Is there a Stargate in your room? Can you travel in time, Jay-quelin? - No. - Then sit down! Buh-lockay, I don't know, here's the thing, I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this. Buh-lockay, what club are you in? - I am part of the Spanish Club. - Well, this, you're as Spanish as Riahn Seacrest, with your big Fraggle Rock hair.

What about you, De-nice? - I'm in the Chess Club. - Uh, sorry honey, you're not in the chest club. Maybe the mosquito bite club. - (sighs) That's painful. -Truthful. There is. A-A-ron. - Hey. - What club are you in? - I'm the president of the Glee Club, why am I talking? - The Glee Club? (screams) (equipment rattles) Like they're going to have a club dedicated to a TV show! Get your ass to O-shag-hennessy's office right now, before he beats your ass with a club. - Well. - Go! - Okay, Im going. - Mischievous and deceptive. Chicano and deplorable. - This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.

Students, please report to the gym to take club photos. - False advertisement. Does anyone here have a valid reason for leaving this

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? Tim-o-thee. - I have to go pick up my daughter. - You are excused. (pencil scribbles) (school bell rings) - Okay, everyone, (students murmuring) let's calm down. Settle in and let's totally get down to business, shall we? Alright guys, then. (kids laughing) Yeah, oh. (laughs) Alright, Jimmy, someone's got a little extra energy from PE, right? Yes ah. - Jimmy, buddy, hey buddy, it's okay, let's just drop it, okay? (deaf book) (children laugh) Okay. (laughs) (talks mockingly) You got me, he got me, right guys?

Jimmy, buddy, okay, let's sit down. (laughs) That's great, that's great. Brilliant. - Beep beep beep, beep beep. - Okay, bravo, Jimmy, I'm just going to, you guys can applaud. (giggles) (students applaud) That was amazing. Oh, and I thank you, I thank you for the entertainment, man. - Oh. (mocking tick) - Jimmy. (children laughing) No, let's go man. Hey buddy. I don't want to hurt your vibe, man, but... - Ah, eureka. - I'm going to be honest with you, you're really pushing me now, Jimmy. - Beep boop boop ooh ee ee ee ooh. (kids laughing) - You're driving me crazy, man. (mocks race car whistle) (clucking tongue) (vibrant voice) That's enough.

Do you want me to write your name on the board? (children laughing) - Ah! (mumbling) - Okay Jimmy, do you want me to call Director Martel? That wouldn't be a bitch, would it? (mocking nail biting) Okay. You know what Jimmy, you know what? Why don't you come and teach the class, man? Wouldn't that be fantastic? - Mine? - Yes, go up. Okay, I guess not, and then you know what I'm going to do, Jimmy? I'll sit here, how about Jimmy? And then we can all see how you are being disruptive. (mumbling) (kids laughing) Oh, I see, it's supposed to be me.

Good. Alright Jimmy, okay, I see, I understand it's supposed to be me. It's time to be John, Jimmy. Don't you dare Jimmy, what are you? (scissors click) (children laugh) Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? (screaming) Well, this is you, Jimmy! (screams murmuring) It's you, Jimmy. (screaming) (noisy desk) How's that Jimmy, huh? Oh, I'm going to slap five, give me five. Give me, give me five. (hands slapping) Huh? How about that, huh? That's you, Jimmy. I'm Jimmy, I'm Jimmy. And I need attention. Yes, I'm Jimmy. Ah, it's Jimmy, ah, look here. (mumbling) That's the funniest thing that's ever happened in the whole world!

I'm Jimmy, I want attention, wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy. I'm Jimmy, I'm Jimmy. (mocking motion) - Mr. Fryer. - Director Martel. No what? No no no no no. No, it was Jimmy. It was Jimmy, Director Martel, no, Jimmy. (growls) It was Jimmy! It was Jimmy! It was Jimmy! (students applaud) - Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. (muffled chants) (dramatic music) (muffled cheers)