Elizabeth Warren Bows Out Gracefully, While Trump Spreads Dangerous Coronavirus Misinformation

WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I'm Stephen Colbert. (Applause and applause) ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS LEFT THE DEMOCRATIC RACE. AND WE ARE GETTING A CLEARER PICTURE OF AMERICA'S FUTURE AND IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE AMERICA'S PAST. (LAUGHTER) I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST ON TONIGHT'S EDITION OF ♪ I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. BEAT TRUMP. CORN POP WAS A BAD GUY! AAAHHHH! BING, BING, BONG, BONG. PATH OF FURY TOWARDS THE WHITE HOUSE 2020! LET'S GO! (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) Stephen: FRIENDS, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SAD NEWS FOR THE FANS OF THE COMPETITION, BECAUSE THE SHOW'S FRIEND, ELIZABETH WARREN HAS QUIT THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. (THE AUDIENCE REACTS) WARREN, THE ONLY LEADER, MADE THE CLASSIC CAMPAIGN MISTAKE OF BEING ABLE TO FINISH A COHERENT SENTENCE AND NOT HAVE A PENIS. (LAUGHTER) WARREN IS GONE.

THAT'S ALL. SHE'S OUT OF THE RACE. MORE PROOF THAT AMERICA CAN'T HAVE GOOD THINGS. HE HAD A PLAN FOR EVERYTHING: A HEALTH CARE PLAN, AN IMMIGRATION PLAN, A STUDENT LOAN PLAN AND HIS MOST POPULAR PLAN, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG'S KNEE BRACE WITH A CROQUET MALLET. (LAUGHTER) (Applause and applause) Jon: OH! HUH-OH! (PIANO RIFF) Stephen: STAY STILL! TA-TA! (LAUGHTER) Not surprisingly, Warren was kind and articulate, reportedly telling his staff, "I WILL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. IF I LEAVE YOU ONE ADVICE: CHOOSE TO FIGHT ONLY FAIR FIGHTS." THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. (Applause and applause) IT IS.

He is REALLY LOVELY. BUT FEAR NOT, WARREN FANS. JOE BIDEN IS SURE TO CONTINUE THAT FIGHT WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS MESSAGE OF "YABBA DABBA DEMOCRATS! ALL LIFE-- MAMA SEE MAMA SA MAMA KOO SA! COME ON!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) WHEN ADDRESSING THE PRESS, WARREN LAMENTED HOW THE NARRATIVE OF THIS PRIMARY SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN ADVANCE. AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS ENTREPRENEUR I WAS TOLD THAT THERE ARE TWO TRACKS, A PROGRESSIVE TRACK FOR WHICH BERNIE SANDERS IS THE HEADLINER AND A MODERATE TRACK FOR WHICH JOE BIDEN IS THE HEADLINER AND THERE IS NO PLACE FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THIS.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS NOT OKAY. BUT EVIDENTLY I WAS WRONG. STEPHEN: DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORT, THAT DEMOCRATIC HIGHWAY STILL HAS ONLY TWO LANES. AND TWO DRIVERS WHO SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE THE KEYS AWAY FROM. (LAUGHTER) OK? THE EYES JUST GO. GET A GOLF CART. GET A GOLF CART. AT ONE POINT, WARREN WAS ASKED ABOUT THE YOUNG WOMEN AND GIRLS WHO ADMIRE HER: I WONDER WHAT HER MESSAGE WOULD BE TO THE WOMEN AND GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE WE'RE LEFT TWO WHITE MEN TO DECIDE BETWEEN. I KNOW! ONE OF THE HARDEST PARTS OF THIS ARE ALL THOSE LITTLE PROMISES.

ALL THOSE GIRLS WERE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MORE YEARS. STEPHEN: HAPPY, AMERICA? YOU MADE ELIZABETH WARREN BREAK HER LITTLE PROMISE. (LAUGHTER) NOW YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO DIE AND STICK A NEEDLE IN YOUR EYE! (LAUGHTER) WARREN WAS ALSO ASKED IF SEXISM COULD HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN THE ENDING OF HIS CAMPAIGN. GENDER IN THIS CAREER, THAT IS EVERY WOMAN'S TRAP QUESTION. IF YOU SAY THERE WAS SEXISM IN THIS RACE, EVERYONE WILL SAY "COMLAINER". AND IF YOU SAY THERE WAS NO SEXISM, IN A MILLION WOMEN YOU THINK: "WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?" I PROMISE YOU THIS, I WILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY ON THAT TOPIC LATER.

STEPHEN: And I guess most of it will be whistled. (LAUGHTER) THEN THEY ASKED WARREN IF HE WOULD ENDORSE BIDEN OR SANDERS. HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID: LET'S BREATHE DEEP AND GIVE SOME TIME, WE DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE THAT IN THIS MINUTE. STEPHEN: WELL, SHE'S RIGHT, LET'S BREATHE DEEPLY. AND KEEP IT UNTIL THE CORONAVIRUS DISAPPEARS. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW THERE WILL BE A FIERCE BATTLE BETWEEN BIDEN AND SANDERS OVER ELIZABETH WARREN. (AS BERNIE) "LIZ, I'M SORRY, I CALLED YOU A LIAR. PLEASE, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS. THOSE ARE DOCTOR'S ORDERS. I guess what I'm saying is that you complete me.

LITERALLY. I NEED A LIAR DONOR. ORGANS. IN YOUR EYES! THE LIGHT! THE HEAT! YOUR EYES!" (Applause and applause) BUT BIDEN IS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT. (AS OFFERED) "DON'T LISTEN TO IT, LIZZIE. AFTER ALL, YOU'RE MY COUSIN. OH WAIT, THEY CHANGED THEM TO ME. THE POINT IS, I WANT YOU TO ENDORSE ME FOR THE US SENATE. NO, I MEAN IT!" (LAUGHTER) WHILE WAITING FOR WARREN'S ANNOUNCEMENT, THE PRESS CAME OUT ON HIS LAWN AND A REPORTER TOOK THIS PHOTO OF HIS DOG. EXTERIOR WALL. AWWW. LOOK AT THAT FACE. HOLY SHIT, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THEIR CAMPAIGN MOTTO ALL THE TIME: "VOTE FOR ELIZABETH WARREN OR YOU'LL SAD A DOG." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) BUT LIKE MANY OF US, BAILEY EATS STRESS, BECAUSE AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, WARREN'S PRESS SECRETARY GABRIELLE FARRELL TWITTERED "BAILEY LEGIT JUST STEAL SOMEONE'S DONKEY." (LAUGHTER) ALONG WITH IMAGES OF THE STAFF TRYING TO GET THE TEX-MEX OUT OF HIS FAUCES.

YES, IT'S YOUR DONKEY, BUT BAILEY HAS A PLAN FOR THAT. (LAUGHTER) Jon: OH, OH, A PLAN! A MASTER PLAN! (Applause and applause) Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME -- Jon: COME ON, GIVE ME THAT. Stephen: -- TODAY, WE ARE ALL BAILEY. SO IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELIZABETH WARREN. OH, HERE COMES YOUR HORSE. RIDE LIZZY! DRIVE! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) SO NOW IT'S UP TO BIDEN AND SANDERS. SHOW OFF AT NOON. JUST BEFORE BOTH DINNER. (LAUGHTER) EITHER OF THEM WOULD BE THE OLDEST PRESIDENT IN US HISTORY, SO IT WILL BE IMPORTANT THAT THEY CHOOSE A PARTNER WHO HAS EXPERIENCE, BUT LOOKS MUCH YOUNGER.

So...Jimmy Carter. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) THE OTHER BIG STORY IS STILL THE CORONAVIRUS. IT'S WHAT EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT. YOU COULD SAY THAT THE UNITED STATES HAS CORONAVIRUS FEVER. BUT YOU SHOULDN'T. THAT WOULD BE IN BAD TASTE. HOW DARE YOU? I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST ON TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL." (Applause and applause) LICK ME, I'M DELICIOUS! STEPHEN: THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SPREAD. SO FAR, THERE ARE 210 CONFIRMED CASES IN 18 STATES WITH DOUBLE-DIGIT DEATHS. Last night, Donald Trump appeared on Fox News to lie about everything. SPECIFICALLY, REGARDING THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION'S MOST RECENT ESTIMATE THAT THE GLOBAL CORONAVIRUS DEATH RATE IS 3.4%.

DISAGREE: I THINK 3.4% IS ACTUALLY A FALSE NUMBER. NOW, THIS IS JUST MY WORD. STEPHEN: SCIENCE IS NOT BASED ON HUNCHES! THAT'S WHY "BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY" IS MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ITS RIVAL: "PHIL MUNCH, MAN OF HUNCH" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) BUT GOOD SHOW. A VERY GOOD SHOW. TRUMP BACKED UP HIS FALSE HEART WITH FAKE MATH. IT LOOKS LIKE 3 OR 4%, WHICH IS A VERY HIGH NUMBER, COMPARED TO A FRACTION OF 1%. I THINK THE NUMBER, PERSONALLY, I WOULD SAY THE NUMBER IS WELL BELOW 1%. STEPHEN: THIS IS NOT "THE ART OF THE DEAL." YOU CANNOT NEGOTIATE WITH SCIENCE. (AS TRUMP) "ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE 6-8 WEEKS TO LIVE?

HOW ABOUT 10-12? NINE WEEKS. FINAL OFFER OR I'M WALKING. OH, ARE YOU SAYING I WON'T BE ABLE TO WALK? " GOOD. (LAUGHTER) TRUMP DIDN'T JUST HAVE BAD NUMBERS. I ALSO HAD BAD ADVICE: MANY PEOPLE WILL HAVE THIS AND IT'S VERY MILD. THEY WILL GET BETTER VERY FAST, DON'T EVEN SEE A DOCTOR, DON'T EVEN CALL A DOCTOR. YOU NEVER HEAR OF THOSE PEOPLE. WE HAVE THOUSANDS OR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO GET BETTER, JUST BY SITTING AND EVEN GOING TO WORK, SOME OF THEM GOING TO WORK. (LAUGHTER) Stephen: GO TO WORK? MAYBE SOME ARE GOING TO WORK BUT THEY MUST GO TO WORK.

BECAUSE IT IS A GOOD WAY TO SPREAD A PANDEMIC. TRUMP IS LIKE THE MAYOR FROM "JAWS", BUT WORSE. (AS TRUMP) "DON'T LISTEN TO THE SHERIFF. THE BEACHES ARE OPEN IN THE SUMMER! A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE NOT. YOU NEVER HEAR FROM THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T SHOW UP "SOME OF THEM WILL HAVE THEIR LEGS EATEN. BUT THEY WILL GET TO THE COAST AND THEY WILL GET BETTER JUST BY SITTING. THEIR LEGS WILL GROW AGAIN, I HAVE A HEART." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) IT'S A MESSAGE OF HOPE, JOHN.

Jon: MESSAGE OF HOPE? ACTUALLY? Stephen: BUT PERHAPS THE WORST CORONA LIE WAS WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT THE CURRENT DEATHS. WHEN YOU HAVE A DEATH LIKE YOU HAD IN WASHINGTON STATE, LIKE YOU HAD ONE IN CALIFORNIA, I THINK YOU HAD ONE IN NEW YORK. STEPHEN: NO, WE DON'T HAVE ONE IN NEW YORK! (LAUGHTER) BUT HE SAID IT, NOW AN INTERN FROM THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE IT TRUE. "I'M SO SORRY. HE SAID THAT AT HANNITY. Stay still! IT'S FOR COLLEGE CREDIT." IT IS NOT A REAL WEAPON. IT IS NOT A REAL WEAPON. (PIANO RIFF) THESE ARE ANXIOUS TIMES THAT DEMAND FAST AND DECISIVE ACTION.

AND FOR ONCE, CONGRESS HAS MOVED FORWARD, BECAUSE FIRST THE HOUSE AND THEN TODAY THE SENATE BOTH APPROVED AN $8.3 BILLION EMERGENCY SPENDING PACKAGE TO RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK. DANG, WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY, YOU COULD GO TO AMAZON AND BUY SIX FACE MASKS! (LAUGHTER) YES. There you have it. SECOND TIME. SECOND TIME. SOME REPUBLICANS THINK $8.3 BILLION IS AN OVERREACTION, LIKE THE FLORIDA CONGRESS AND THE MAN WHO THOUGHT, "YOU CAN'T ARREST ME FOR DRUNK DRIVING. I'M FLORIDA CONGRESS MATT GAETZ!", MATT GAETZ. GAETZ WAS THERE FOR YESTERDAY'S BUDGET VOTE, AND HE APPEARED WITH A GAS MASK. Well, that's one way to keep people from smelling liquor on your breath. (LAUGHTER) AND THEN IT WAS NOT THE ONLY PHOTO OF GAETZ WEARING THE GAS MASK.

HERE HE IS SURROUNDED BY ALL OF HIS FRIENDS. (LAUGHTER) I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT HE'S THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD WEAR A GAS MASK TO WORK AND STILL HAVE THE DUMBEST PART OF HIS EQUIPMENT BE HIS SHOES. (LAUGHTER) (Applause and applause) THEY ARE LIKE CLOWN'S FEET BUT THEY DIDN'T GROW. ONE PERSON WHO REALLY TAKES THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY IS BOND, JAMES BOND. ♪ ♪ (CHEERING) YESTERDAY, JAMES BOND'S NEW FILM WAS POSTPONED DUE TO CORONAVIRUS FEARS. IT TURNS OUT THAT WHEN THE FILM'S PRODUCERS HEARD ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, THEY WERE SHOCKED. AND HEAVY. (LAUGHTER) IRONICALLY, THE MOVIE IS CALLED "NO TIME TO DIE." (LAUGHTER) IT DIDN'T HELP THAT THE BOND GIRL'S NAME WAS PAM DEMIC. (LAUGHTER) I applaud the producers for putting public health before their marketing calendar, but I think they can do more.

THAT'S WHY I CALL YOU TO RELEASE A NEW VERSION OF ONE OF YOUR CLASSIC SONGS: "WASH YOUR FINGERS!" (LAUGHTER) ♪ ♪ (Applause and applause) SERIOUSLY, WASH YOUR FINGERS. TONIGHT WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU. KEITH URBAN IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "IN THE MEANWHILE!" STAY!