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Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Debate Cold Open - SNL

May 05, 2020
♪♪♪ GOOD AFTERNOON. FROM HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY, I AM LESTER HOLT. AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. A QUICK REMINDER TO OUR AUDIENCE: NO APPLAUSE, NO APPLAUDING, AND FOR TRUMP SUPPORTERS, NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE. NOW LET'S TAKE OUT THE CANDIDATES. FIRST, HE IS FIGHTING PNEUMONIA AND WE HOPE HE FEELS BETTER TONIGHT. IT'S SECRETARY HILLARY CLINTON. I AM BETTER THAN EVER, LET'S DO THIS! AND FINALLY, HE IS THE MAN GUILTY OF THE LOWER HALF OF ALL THE FACES OF HIS CHILDREN. IT'S THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD TRUMP! GOOD AFTERNOON AMERICA. I'M GOING TO BE VERY GOOD TONIGHT. I'M GOING TO BE SO CALM AND SO PRESIDENTIAL THAT EVERYONE WATCHING IS GOING TO CREAM THEIR JEANS.
donald trump vs hillary clinton debate cold open   snl
SECRETARY CLINTON, LET'S START WITH YOU. WHY ARE YOU A BETTER CHOICE THAN YOUR OPPONENT TO CREATE JOBS AND PUT MONEY IN THE POCKETS OF AMERICAN WORKERS? WELL, LESTER, MY OPPONENT'S TAX PLAN BENEFITS THE TOP 1% A LOT, IT'S NOT JUST TRICKLE ECONOMY, IT'S... I DON'T KNOW, I guess if I had to call it something outside of the old. Dome, without any preparation, I don't know, I guess I would call it invented and trickle-down economics. THAT'S VERY NICE, SECRETARY. Did that occur to you right now? I DID IT, RIGHT OFF THE STIFF RED BRACELET. SAY, JAZZMAN. I HAVE A VERY PRESIDENTIAL ANSWER FOR THIS.
donald trump vs hillary clinton debate cold open   snl

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donald trump vs hillary clinton debate cold open snl...

OUR JOBS ARE FLEEING FROM THIS COUNTRY. THEY'RE GOING TO MEXICO, THEY'RE GOING TO JI-NA. I would STOP that. IF HILLARY KNEW HOW SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY, END OF STORY. I WON THE DEBATE, I KEPT CALM AS I PROMISED AND IT WAS OVER. GOOD NIGHT, HOFSTRA. DONALD. DONALD, there are still 88 minutes left. IT'S A 90 MINUTE DEBATE. MY MICROPHONE IS BROKEN. SHE BROKE IT. WITH OBAMA. SHE AND OBAMA STOLEN MY MICROPHONE. THEY TOOK MY MICROPHONE TO KENYA AND BROKE IT AND NOW IT'S BROKEN. DO YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEONE IS SMELLING HERE. I think it's his snorting.
donald trump vs hillary clinton debate cold open   snl
IT'S BEEN SMELLING ALL NIGHT. TESTS, TESTS. JI-NA, JI-NA. YUGE, JI-NA. SECRETARY CLINTON, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? I THINK I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT. I mean this man is clearly unsuitable to be commander in chief. WRONG. HE'S A STALKER. SHUT UP. START THE BIRTH MOVEMENT. YOU DID IT. HE SAID CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX INVENTED BY CHINA. IT IS PRONOUNCED JI-NA. HE HASN'T RELEASED HI TAX RETURNS, WHICH MEANS HE'S NOT THAT RICH. WRONG. IT'S NOT SO CHARITABLE. WRONG. OR YOU HAVE NOT PAID TAXES IN YOUR LIFE from him. MORE WRONG. WE GO TO NATIONAL SECURITY.
donald trump vs hillary clinton debate cold open   snl
MISTER. TRUMP, YOU HAVE CRITICIZED SECRETARY CLINTON FOR VOTING FOR THE IRAQ WAR, BUT YOU YOURSELF SUPPORTED THE WAR -- WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. You're being very mean to me tonight, Coltrane, very mean. I WAS AGAINST THE WAR, NAME ANYONE IN THE WORLD NAMED SEAN HANNITY. I TOLD SEAN HANNITY, CALL SEAN HANNITY. DID YOU TELL SEAN HANNITY ON YOUR SHOW AND IS THERE PROOF? I TOLD HIM IN PRIVATE. SEAN AND I LATE AT NIGHT. I leaned over and whispered in his ear: SEAN, I AM AGAINST THE IRAQ WAR. HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR: I AM ALSO AGAINST THE WAR.
The next thing I knew I was kissing SEAN HANNITY. PASSING THAT. THE IRAQ WAR IS ABOUT JUDGMENT. SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BETTER JUDGMENT THAN MR. TRIUMPH? HA HA, YES, YES. YEAH. OF COURSE. DONALD TRUMP HAS A TERRIBLE TRIAL. MAKE BAD DECISIONS. HE SPENDS HIS LIFE CHEATING MIDDLE CLASS WORKERS. WORKERS LIKE MY OWN HUMAN FATHER. WHO MADE...I guess curtains or printed curtains or sold curtains or...and he was relatable, and I'm relatable too. MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION. WHY IS YOUR JUDGMENT BETTER THAN SECRETARY CLINTON'S? BECAUSE IT IS. I HAVE THE BEST JUDGMENT. AND THE BEST TEMPERAMENT.
SHE IS THE ONE WITH A BAD TEMPERAMENT. SHE IS ALWAYS SCREAMING. SHE CONSTANTLY LIES. HER HAIR IS CRAZY. HER HASE OF HER IS COMPLETELY ORANGE. EXCEPT AROUND THE EYES, WHERE IT IS WHITE. ONCE SHE STOP SPEAKING HER MOUTH LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE LITTLE EYE. SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES TO RESPOND. OH, OKAY. HE CAN HAVE MY TWO MINUTES. GOOD, MR. TRUMP, TWO MORE MINUTES. WHAT ABOUT THE BLACKS. THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER. ALL BLACKS LIVE ON ONE STREET IN CHICAGO. EVERYTHING IN ONE STREET. IT'S CALLED HELL STREET. AND THEY ARE ON THE STREET OF HELL AND EVERYONE IS KILLING EACH OTHER.
HOW I AM KILLING THIS DEBATE. SECRETARY CLINTON, DID YOU HAVE A RESPONSE? UM - IT'S NOT A - IT'S NOT AN ANSWER, IT'S MORE OF A REQUEST. CAN THE UNITED STATES VOTE RIGHT NOW? WELL, THIS HAS BEEN AN ILLUMINATING DEBATE. BUT NOW IS THE TIME FOR OUR END -- ALICIA MACHADO. SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? WHO IS ALICIA MACHADO? THANKS FOR MENTIONING THAT, LESTER. SHE IS A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL POLITICAL SUPPORT THAT I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION TONIGHT, EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE ALREADY MADE A WEB VIDEO ABOUT HER. ALICIA MACHADO WAS MISS UNIVERSE IN 1996. WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?
AND DONALD TRUMP CALLS HER MISS PIGGY. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? AND MISS CLEANING. THAT'S SO FUNNY. MR. TRUMP, YOUR RESPONSE? LESTER, WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS WOMAN? WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANT ISSUES, LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL. AND WHAT A FAT LOSER IS LIKE. EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME AND I WANTED TO TAKE THAT OUT IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE RIGHT AT THE END, BY MY OWN WILL, GOOD IDEA, I DID IT. SECRETARY CLINTON, WHY ARE YOU CRYING? I - SORRY, LESTER. THIS IS GOING VERY WELL. IT'S GOING EXACTLY AS I HAD ALWAYS DREAMED. GOOD. NOW IS THE TIME TO MOVE ON TO CONCLUDING STATEMENTS.
SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU ARE THE FIRST. LISTEN, AMERICA. I UNDERSTAND. YOU HATE ME. YOU HATE MY VOICE. AND YOU HATE MY FACE. WELL, HERE'S A TIP. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FACE AGAIN, ELECT ME PRESIDENT, AND I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I WILL LOCK MYSELF IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND I WON'T COME OUT FOR FOUR YEARS. BUT IF I'M NOT ELECTED, I WILL CONTINUE running for president until the day I die. AND I WILL NEVER DIE. MR. TRIUMPH. FINAL OBSERVATIONS. YOU KNOW WHAT, LESTER? I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING VERY HARD TO HILLARY TONIGHT. BUT I TOLD MYSELF, I CAN'T DO IT, I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
BUT IF I HAD SAID IT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NUCLEAR BOMB. BECAUSE IN THE 90'S, OUR PRESIDENT WAS A MAN CALLED BILL CLINTON. NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW IT, BUT THAT MAN IS HER HUSBAND. IN 1998, GET THIS, I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. IT'S TRUE. MY INVESTIGATORS ARE INVESTIGATING IT RIGHT NOW. IT WAS A WOMAN, IT WAS A WOMAN CALLED MONICA. VERY HEAVY. I DON'T HAVE YOUR LAST NAME YET BUT WHEN I RECEIVE IT, I WILL SET MY ALARM FOR 3:20 A.M. AND SIT ON MY GOLDEN TOILET AND Tweet about it until you're done. OH MY GOD.
JUST TO REMIND EVERYONE AT HOME THAT THIS WAS A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. ANY FINAL WORDS? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

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