Donald Trump Doesn't Talk Like A Guy Who Knows What He's Talking About

Stephen: HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING? NOTHING. Stephen: NOTHING HAPPENS? WE ARE MAKING A SHOW IS WHAT WE ARE DOING. THESE TWO, THESE TWO, AND I'M SO GRATEFUL TO THEM, THESE TWO ARE SITTING ON THEIR PHONES, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME. I CERTAINLY HOPE THEY ARE NOT ON THEIR PHONES AT HOME LIKE MY SON AND MY WIFE. (SIGH) SOME VERY EVENTING THINGS HAPPEN. Stephen: WHAT'S HAPPENING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WATCHING YOUR FATHER DO A TV SHOW. MY FRIEND DANNY JUST SHAVED HIS HEAD ON INSTAGRAM LIVE. Stephen: THAT'S BETTER THAN MY SHOW. CAN I SEE A PHOTO? I DON'T HAVE A PHOTO NOW.

BUT IN THE END. Stephen: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT YOUR PHONE THERE? NOTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. Stephen: WELL, MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP. IF YOU'RE 15 AND A HALF-33, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING. HELLO, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW", I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN TEACH. IT'S THE LAST DAY OF APRIL. APRIL SHOWS ARE NOT SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN DOING A LOT IN APRIL. MAY, I CAN START SHOWING IN MAY. NOT A WORD! APRIL 30 ALSO MARKS THE END OF THE FEDERAL SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDELINES AND PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THEY WILL NOT BE EXTENDED FURTHER. THEN THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "WHEN WILL THE CORONAVIRUS RESURGE AGAIN?" ES: ♪ IT'S GOING TO BE MAY ♪ STEPHEN: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE CAPABILITY OF THE GUIDELINES YESTERDAY IN THE OVAL OFFICE: SO THE CURRENT GUIDELINES WON'T BE EXTENDED AFTER TOMORROW?

YES, I THINK ONE WAY OF SAYING IS THAT THEY FADE AWAY. Stephen: COME ON, YOU'RE THE GOVERNMENT, YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT THE RULES ARE. THERE'S A REASON YOU DON'T SEE SIGNS THAT SAY "SPEED LIMIT: NO LONGER 55." SINCE TRUMP HAS BEEN REALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIS CORONAVIRUS PRESS CONFERENCES, HE HAS A NEW STRATEGY: INVITING INDIVIDUAL GOVERNORS TO THE OVAL OFFICE. TODAY, TRUMP MEET THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY AND THE NUTCRACKER WHO WISHED HE WAS A REAL BOY, PHIL MURPHY. DURING THE MEETING, TRUMP SAID HE IS CONFIDENT THE ECONOMY IS READY TO RECOVER. THERE IS A TREMENDOUS PACKUP DEMAND.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I THINK SOMETIMES WHAT I FEEL IS BETTER THAN I THINK. STEPHEN: ANYTHING HAS TO BE BETTER THAN YOU THINK. BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL. TRUMP TALKED ABOUT EARLY FEARS OF EQUIPMENT SHORTAGES: THERE WAS NEVER A PERSON WHO NEEDED A VENTILATOR WHO DIDN'T RECEIVE IT. IN ANY STATE. NOT ONE PERSON. SO WE DIDN'T SAY, "HE DIDN'T SAY TO GET A VENTILATOR, SOMEONE DIED, SOMEONE DIDN'T MAKE IT." NOW WE HAD A PROBLEM WITH THE MASK. NOW WE HAVE SO MANY MASKS WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. STEPHEN: HERE'S AN IDEA: PUT ONE TO MIKE PENCE.

THEN GOVERNOR MURPHY USED AN ANALOGY TRUMP LIKES ABOUT HOW THE CORONAVIRUS TOOK THEM BY SURPRISE AS MIKE TYSON SAYS, EVERYONE HAS A PLAN UNTIL THEY HIT YOU IN THE FACE. AND WE DID IT. STEPHEN: I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT TRUMP IS RELATIONSHIP WITH MIKE TYSON: THEY ARE BOTH ICONS OF 80'S POP CULTURE WITH HORRIBLE STORIES WITH WOMEN, WHO NEED NO EXCUSE TO EAT A HUMAN EAR. (AS TRUMP) “IT'S THE BACON OF THE FACE.” "I LOVE A GOOD E.L.T." TRUMP TRIED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON HOW MANY CORONAVIRUS CASES THE UNITED STATES HAS. YOU HAVE AREAS THAT ARE REALLY AT A VERY LOW POINT.

AND REALLY HIT, I ALWAYS SAY, SOUTH FAST. AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "THINGS ARE REALLY HEADING SOUTH FAST, I MEAN, THE NUMBERS ARE FASTLY FALLING DOWN THE PIPES, JUST ROLLING DOWN THE DRAIN, AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT." ONE EXPERT WAS QUICK TO RESPOND TO TRUMP'S SOUTHERN COMMENT: I DON'T THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. Esteban: INCONCEIVABLE! TRUMP DIDN'T SEEMS TOO WORRIED ABOUT OPEN UP TOO FAST AND CAUSING A SECOND WAVE OF CASES. WE TURN OFF THE FRAMES AND OUT THE FLAMES. THERE WILL BE BAGS OF FIRE AND WE WILL EXTINGUISH THEM.

IF YOU HAVE HAD IT, I CALL YOU BURNING ARMS, BOOM. STEPHEN: OF COURSE, BECAUSE THE SOUND YOU ASSOCIATE WITH SAFELY PUTTING A FIRE OUT IS "BOOM." TRUMP DOESN'T TALK LIKE A GUY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM AS A DOCTOR? (AS TRUMP) "WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE AND TAKE THE LITTLE KNIFE AND CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, AND THERE WILL BE... I CALL IT BLOOD. BUT WE'RE GONNA SAY, 'NO' BLOOD.' THEN STITCH. THEN GO TO THE PLACE WHERE THE BLOOD WAS AND 'BOOM.'" TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT WHY HE THINKS CERTAIN STATES DON'T NEED SO MUCH TESTING: YOU HAVE SOME GOVERNORS WHO LOVE TESTING, YOU HAVE OTHERS WHO LIKE TO DO IT IT'S A DIFFERENT WAY, AN OLD WAY.

Stephen: IS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IN HEALTH CARE OUTDATED? "I DON'T NEED THESE NEW TESTS AND HIPPINGS, JUST COVER ME WITH BLOODLES AND BALANCE MY MOODS." TRUMP ALSO THINKS HAVING A VACCINE IS NOT THAT GREAT. SO, THIS 100% SCENARIO YOU ARE PLANNING, GOING BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS. IS THAT BEFORE THE VACCINE OR AFTER THE VACCINE? SO, A LOT OF PROGRESS IS BEING MADE WITH THE VACCINE, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. GOOD? YOU NEVER KNOW. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A VACCINE, IF THAT VIRUS WENT OUT, WE'RE LIKE WHERE WE WERE BEFORE. STEPHEN: OH, WHERE WE WERE BEFORE!

GOOD. SO INSTEAD OF BEING IN A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WE WILL BACK TO BE COMPLETELY UNPREPARED FOR A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. THAT RESPONSE MADE NO SENSE, AS A REPORTER POINTED OUT: WITHOUT VACCINE SIR, WHY DO YOU THINK THE VIRUS WILL JUST DISAPPEAR? HE'S GOING TO GO. HE IS GOING TO GO. IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR. IT IS GOING TO BE ERADICATED. STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "HE'S GOING TO GO. HE'S GOING TO LEAVE. HE'S GOING TO GO OUT THE BACK, JACK. MAKE A NEW PLAN, STAN. HE'S GONNA GET ON THE BUS, GUS. WANT MORE? I HAVE 50 OF THESE. " HERE'S THE THING: TRUMP DOESN'T WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL BECAUSE WE ARE "READY." HE WANTS EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL BECAUSE HE IS BORED: I HAVE BEEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR MANY MONTHS AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET OUT.

STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT, WE WOULD ALL LIKE TO GET YOU OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. THERE IS ONE ACTIVITY THAT TRUMP ESPECIALLY MISSES: HIS RATES. HOPEFULLY IN THE NOT TOO FAR FUTURE WE WILL HAVE SOME MASSIVE DEMONSTRATIONS AND PEOPLE WILL SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. I CAN'T IMAGINE A RALLY IN WHICH YOU WOULD HAVE EVERY FOURTH SEAT FULL. EVERY SIX SEATS ARE LEFT EMPTY BECAUSE OF ALL THE ONE YOU HAVE FILLED. THAT WOULD NOT LOOK VERY GOOD. STEPHEN: YES, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. She would be LIKE THIS. BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE DANGEROUSLY COMPLETE IN YOUR OWN MINITES, ALSO IN EVERYONE ELSE: THE OWNER OF A RESTAURANT CAME TO ME AND SAID: "Sir, I'm going to open, but if I distance myself too much, I OWN 50% OF THE RESTAURANT WHAT I HAD." AND I SAID, "YOU WILL HAVE A WORSE ENVIRONMENT TOO." STEPHEN: WOW, GOOD JOB, COMFORTER IN CHIEF! (AS TRUMP) "I SAID YOU'LL ALSO HAVE A WORSE ATMOSPHERE AND MAKE LESS MONEY.

I guess

what

I'm saying is that your restaurant is heading south quickly. And that's

what

we want." MULTIPLE POLLS SHOW TRUMP FOLLOWED JOE BIDEN IN SWINGING STATES, BUT IN ONE INTERVIEW HE SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE IN POLLS. I THINK THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY ARE INTELLIGENT. AND I DON'T THINK THEY'D PUT A MAN IN WHO IS INCOMPETENT. " YOU'RE RIGHT, THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY WOULD NOT DO IT. TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS FINE. BUT DESPITE NOT BELIEVING THESE POLLS, HE STILL FOUND SOMEONE TO BLAME THEM: TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HIS LOCAL MILITIA RAISES HIS MONEY TO BUY A SUIT, BRAD PARSCALE.

ON FRIDAY, TRUMP chastised PARSCALE FOR DAMAGED POLL NUMBERS, AND AT ONE POINT EVEN THREATENED HIM TO SUE HIM. SUE HIM? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT. "I'M SORRY SIR, WE STOP SERVING BREAKFAST AT 11:00." (AS TRUMP) "WELL, YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS AT THE BUTTERWORTH FIRM, JEMIMA AND MCMUFFIN!" "That bagel guy is a tough cookie." BUT THEY WERE ABLE TO ENJOY THINGS AFTER PARSCALE PROVIDED POLL NUMBERS THAT WERE MORE POSITIVE FOR TRUMP, AND THE PRESIDENT SEEMED IN MUCH BETTER MOOD. YES, I'M SURE. AND HE TELLS ME WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT SURVEY. There you go.

TRUMP CLAIMS THIS WHOLE DISPUTE WITH PARSCALE IS EXCESSIVE, Tweeted Last Night "I JUST SAID THAT FAKE NEWS @CNN IS FALSELY REPORTING THAT I WAS RECENTLY YELLING AT MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER FOR MADE UP NONSENSE. HE'S ACTUALLY DOING A GREAT JOB, I'VE NEVER I SCREAMED AT HIM: HE'S BEEN WITH ME FOR YEARS, INCLUDING THE 2016 WIN, AND I HAVE NO INTENTION TO DO THAT. JUST FAKE NEWS! YES, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I mean, can you imagine Trump ending a relationship he's had with someone for years? ?EVERY STATE IS TACKLING REOPENING DIFFERENTLY. SOME ARE GOING COMPLETELY "MAD MAX." BECAUSE RECENTLY, GEORGIA ANNOUNCED THEY WILL ALLOW TEENS TO GET THEIR LICENSE WITH JUST PARENTAL APPROVAL, ELIMINATING DRIVING TESTS.

Okay, They're going to be a bunch of teenagers with no driving experience, SO IF YOU'RE HEADING TO GEORGIA, STAY OFF THE ROADS, IT'S MUCH SAFER TO TAKE THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN. WHO WHO! THE CHANGE WAS ENACTED BY EXECUTIVE ORDER BY THE GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA AND THE DAD WHO CONSUMED TOO MUCH COK BEFORE THE FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE, BRIAN KEMP. AND ACCORDING TO THEIR RULES, TEENS WHO HAVE HAD THEIR LEARNING PERMIT FOR MORE THAN ONE YEAR CAN NOW CONNECT TO THE INTERNET AND GET THEIR LICENSE AFTER GETTING APPROVAL FROM A PARENT OR GUARDIAN. Now, if you're worried about kids forging their parents' signatures, you're smarter than the governor of Georgia.

DRIVING SCHOOLS HOPE THIS PLAN WORKS, AND ONE INSTRUCTOR SAYS: "I HOPE MOST PARENTS DO NOT APPROVE THOSE 40 HOURS, I HOPE MOST PARENTS TAKE THE TIME AND DRIVE WITH THEIR CHILDREN BEFORE THEY LEAVE IT ". GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE." WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARENTS WHO HAVE BEEN STUCK IN THEIR HOUSES WITH TEENS FOR SEVEN WEEKS. I guess they're going to take the time to say, "Do you know how to open the garage? Brilliant. The right pedal is on. Here's $20 and a fake ID. Go buy me some wine." TONIGHT WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU. I'LL TALK TO THE SENATE FOR LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER. -- CHUCK SCHUMER, SENATE MINORITY LEADER.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "IN THE MEANWHILE!"