DOES YOUR FLAG FAIL? Grey Grades The State Flags!Apr 04, 2023
Hello class. His task, as the United States says, was to make the
yourcitizens proud. A flag to be proud of on the American stage. A difficult task, although not too difficult with the guidelines I gave you by which you will be graded. One. Keep it simple. Something a child could draw. Even if they need to simplify it again. Good enough. Two. Do it differently from a distance. A flag is not a sign, it is not wallpaper, it is not a patch, it is not money or anything else seen up close.
No small details. It's a flag. It will fly from afar among other
flagsand when the wind stops, you should still be able to see
yours. Three colors or less unless you really know what you're doing. But if you think so, it probably isn't. Four. Symbols. Have them. Your colors and what you design with them should mean something. It should say something about its citizens. Five. Words on a flag. The ideal number is zero. It's a flag, not a grade you're passing in class. Thank you. I'll take that. If you violated this rule, I hope you hid those words in a design because you will be marked.
And there is one thing that you are absolutely prohibited from writing. Because a flag is not a name tag. If you wrote your name on your flag, your flag
fails as a flag. Without exceptions. Alright, let's take a quick look and see how everyone did. Raise your
flags, please. :: sigh :: Alright, since you're all so Internet, to keep your attention, I'll put you on a tier list from S to F. S for 'Super'! F for, you guessed it, "you
failed." And I can see that many of you already did. Tier F is going to be bursting at the seams, so we're going to break it down into a tier list within a tier list, from S to F for Tier F.
Alright, let's get the worst out of the way. Kansas, Montana, Wisconsin, Oregon, that's you. Sorry, come up here. You and many of your classmates chose this basic template stamp in blue. That all you blue beauties, by copying each other, have made yourself much worse in the distance distinction department. And you four started with stamps in the center, which is already mediocre. But signing that seal is much more regrettable. And Montana… this kerning! My eyes can only take so much! In Wisconsin, ironically, a cheese-based flag would have been better. Do that. And oh? An objection from Oregon.
Do you have a different design on the back? And this is much better, I'll approve. You should get rid of the front of your flag and devote yourself entirely to the beaver. Hey, I wouldn't laugh, California. Now it's your turn to go up here. And I know you think your flag is awesome, but it looks like you have "California" scrawled on it. And don't think that bragging about the "republic" is going to improve your grade. I know everything about that stage as an "independent country" that lasted - what it was, of course - just three weeks.
A much shorter time than other national
states that I could mention. And about your bear. Look at it. Really look, California. That's a scared bear. Why did you draw it that way? This is level A, but level F. Hey, are you crying? There is no crying in flag design. There are simply better things you can easily do. Next, Dakota sisters, you are ready! And you both have written your name, so fail instantly. But North, your seal is at least better drawn, so level D, level F. And South, you chose a brighter blue that's a little different, so I'll put you on the same level as your sister.
But wait, you wrote your name on the flag twice? Level F twice then. But hint, Dakotas. They both obviously like this spiky design element, so maybe they could do something cool as north-south sister states with it. You know, bringing some of that energy from Greenland and Antarctica to the United States. Now listen up everyone. Today is not the final day of your judgment. Better is always an option. Take Miss Mississippi, for example. She started with this flag, but recently she felt that it didn't fit her and she moved on to this one. Yes, she added her words, so I'll give it a grade, but they're as hidden as words can be, so she put her favorite flower of hers in the center, which is too complicated for my taste.
But you know what? This flag symbolically says Miss Magnolia Mississippi. Exactly what a flag should do. Solid C. And may it serve as a model of achievable improvement for all who fail today, especially California. Thank you Miss Mississippi, you can sit down now. Next up, Nebraska. At least you didn't write your name too big at the bottom. F, D. Vermont. Obviously not terrible for level F. Cutest seal yet, I guess. Level C. Maine, you wrote your name big, but with class. I can't believe you girls make me have to compare stamp designs so closely. Uhh… Level F, level C.
Yuck. IM going blind. Can anyone help me here? New Mexico. What vexillological virtuosity is this? A design in the center, so simple and sacred to the Zia people. Made with striking colors that combine with the New Mexico landscape itself. It's charming. Do I even need to say the words New Mexico? S Level. Thank you for giving me hope. Okay, back to the blue beauties. New Hampshire, stamp in blue. But you did your best to seal and the boat is pretty good. I didn't think I needed a rule to say that a flag is not a painting of other flags, but here are three.
F, B. Connecticut. Grape fanatic, huh kid? No, I am fine Thank you. Purple is objectively the worst color. But you know what? You could do something with it and it would stand out. Meanwhile, F, D. Enjoy your grapes. Michigan, 'Circumspice'? Yes, I will and all I see is a duller blue. F, D. Can someone make blue, but good? Ah, Alaska. Look at this ladies. The northernmost state shows the northernmost star in an open blue sky. And she didn't feel the need to write "Alaska" over it. Which must have been pretty tempting... eh, California? And even better, Ursa Major's companion constellation is nothing more than the tail of Ursa Major, a large bear in the sky, the animal most associated with this state and important to Alaska Natives.
How clever, Alaska. I simply must give you the Best Bear award. This flag is top notch. But the low-contrast design with the few stars makes it difficult to differentiate from a distance. Especially, say, in dark winters. And it breaks my brain that its official vertical orientation is for the North Star to be at the bottom. North star, superior star. Look, this is an awesome patch that I think comes pre-installed on all Alaska backpacks, so your citizens obviously love it. It's a good flag. He is the best bear. The best in the B level. Sorry, Miss Missouri, I didn't see that you also have a bear.
Two bears, no, wait. Is there a bear in the seal that bears are holding? You definitely win the most bears, honey. And most of the stars with, wow, sixty-one! Thirteen for the original thirteen states on the US seal that you place inside your seal for receipt of the seal. Then twenty-four stars for your entry as the twenty-fourth state. Twice. It's very busy and you put all those bears and stars and words on top of a tricolor flag design, the most basic of all. But bless him, you didn't write your name, so I'll pass you. Level D.
Anyone else who didn't write their name? Ah, Rhode Island, you wrote “hope,” but I’ll address it at this point. This is also pretty square, but I'm guessing you're going with this navigation motif with the anchors and colors. And works. Level C. Let's go to the Commonwealth Club. No more hiding behind, it's your turn. Commonwealth of Massachusetts. At least it's not blue and of course it's kind of plain in comparison. F, C. Kentucky, I know you like being in the Commonwealth Club but you can't write it on your flag. Well, you can, but you'll get F-level and D-level for that.
Pennsylvania! If you're going to make a blue stamp, this is pretty good and you didn't write 'Commonwealth of Pennsylvania' anywhere. Level F, level B. And up, club captain. Commonwealth of Virginia, let's see what you've done. Oh God! Are you trying to demonetize me? Your flag has nudity, murder, and an explicit call to violence. But you know what, Virginia? That's kind of rude. F, B. Oh, hello, Ohio. Another strangely shaped flag. You know this is more of a cape than a flag, right? Well, you do it. Well, it's very much 'Murica'. I'm going to give it a B.
Next up, Delaware. Delaware, writing the full date at the bottom is a lower level move. I know you're the forgotten state and you want to emphasize that you really are first, but there has to be a better way. F, F. Wyoming. Let me tell you something, Wyoming. Let me tell you, I foresee this being the final chapter of my life. When the age or the end of time comes. When my work is done and forgotten. I will travel to your great state to find land. One with a cozy cabin, a front porch where, with a pet buffalo at my side and a shotgun in my lap, I will watch the sunset for the remaining days.
For me, for all of us. And in the sky above this scene, I will proudly fly this Forever West flag. But I'll have to custom print it to eliminate this terrible unnecessary stamp you've stamped in the center. A stamp on which you have written your name. It's very close to epic, but for now I must, by my own unbreakable rule, give it an F. But obviously S level F. Now who's next, all I's. You're up there, starting with Idaho. You wrote your name twice, I can't even now. F, F. Iowa. You also have your name and a complete sentence of instructions.
Have you won the prize for the most words? Oh no, not even close. Idaho beat you by twelve, to tie with Nebraska. Being defeated by Wyoming by thirteen. And first place goes to South Dakota, seventeen words! But that
doesn't make this any less bad, Iowa, and you wrote your name too. F level, obviously, but at least it's a lot 'Murica, so F level, A level. Indiana. Oh what a relief Indiana, pretty good. The colors are similar to those of Alaska, but since it has more stars, it is more identifiable from a distance. And you have done your thing with the torch of freedom.
It's pretty good, I'm going to give it a…. What are you doing? Level F, level A. Sit down. The last of the I's, Illinois. You also went with an eagle, but it
doesn't look very good, sorry. And your "sovereignty" upside down on the scroll... points to realism, I guess. But a flag is not a painting and you added the date to this design. Because? Oh, this is literally just the seal of Illinois on a white background written above the word "Illinois." It's awful. Level F, level F. Colorado. I feel like you're really trying to push my limits here, Colorado.
The design is simple yet stands out, and I'd give it a B, but this giant 'C' is a little flashy, don't you think, Colorado? And do you know what else it is? Is writing. Writing on a flag. C for C level. And don't point out Ohio. She did it better. Most people didn't even notice the "O." Next up, Minnesota. Terrible...ugh! This is simply terrible. Your name is not as big or as bad as the other blue beauties, but the hustle is lower level. Wisconsin, I was too hard on you before. This is the worst Union flag.
Let's go Minnesota. You are the blonde descendant of Scandinavia in America. A classic flag designs itself. But this, I need a visual palette cleanser now. Ah, Alabama. You can't go wrong with a simple shape. Identifiable from a distance, vertical perfection and a lesson for everyone. You can do much more with much less. This flag would fit on the international stage. A from Alabama. State of West Virginia, home of the abundant Appalachians. You deserve better than this. F, D. Arkansas. You know what, Arkansas? Even writing your name big in the center, I think you made it work.
I can't pass you, obviously, but it's very 'Murica and diamonds are your thing.' I'm going to give it the F level, the A level. And speaking of words that work... Get up here, Nevada. Now obviously this flag is bad and boring, which is a crime, but you get the award for the two best words ever written on a flag. Battle. Born. BATTLE. BORN. Is awesome. And unlike other states trying to glorify their history that we won't mention, you actually became a state for the Union in the middle of America's bloodiest war. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but if two words ever deserve to be written in striking font on a flag, 'Battle Born' are those words.
Do it, Nevada. Do it, do it, do it. Maryland. Oh, God, it's... horrible. It's so horrible that he falls from the bottom only to land on the top again. S-level Maryland. I don't care what anyone says. Wear it with pride. Louisiana, is that pelican violating itself? What is a heraldic term that means to harm oneself? Making you the only flag that shows royal blood. I must remind you that a flag is not heraldic, but at least it is unique. F, B. Tennessee. I think people underestimate their flag, Tennessee, in part because of this blue bar on the side, which looks a little random when looking at it on a screen, but was added to keep it distinctive when flown with or without wind, which works completely.
And your three stars are for the three great divisions of yourrather rectangular unified state. This flag on the screen is a B. But in the air it is an A. Washington. Washington. A flag is not money, Washington. And this is actually really awkward because DC, who isn't even in this class, completely trashed you with this A-level flag that represents Washington much better by adapting his family's coat of arms without drawing his face . But at least it's money green, so it stands out from the blue ones. F, C. Hawaii. I have complicated feelings about this flag, Hawaii.
Ugly, but a bit in the grand Maryland style. The eight stripes of the eight islands do not align with the Union Jack at all, which is also historically confusing, since you were never part of the British empire. Instead, you simply took her flag to use in your kingdom as if it were your own, which is a pretty bold move. Well, you didn't write "Kingdom of Hawaii" and you love your rainbows, and if an American flag were a rainbow, this would be that flag. I'm going to give it a B. Oklahoma. Ah, you're another real heartthrob here, kid.
Let's just ignore this for now and look at this, which is not a seal, but a buffalo hide shield from the Osage Nation. Much cooler. And with a Plains American Indian pipe crossed with an olive branch for the Europeans who were becoming Americans. You have done by far the best job of trying to symbolically address something very American that other flags struggled with. Minnesota. I'm giving it an F, C, because there's something here that could be even more epic. Carolina Sisters, first South. It's a little disjointed. And I know you love palmetto, but everyone thinks it's a palm tree.
And it's strange because you have the Angel Oak, one of the most famous and beautiful trees in the world, which could have a much better design and then there would be no chance of people confusing you with California. But unlike California, you didn't write your name to pass. But this complicated downtown plant isn't as good as Miss Mississippi's. Level D. The next north. I am now totally predisposed towards my adopted state. And when I see this flag flying around Raleigh, it gives me pride in the old North, even if it looks a little too much like someone else's flag.
But I'm trying to be consistent. I can't give a flag not just with letters but with an entire word that goes beyond level C. I don't think either one is in desperate need of a redesign. Many others are ahead of you in that line, but perhaps you sisters could, like the Dakotas, consider a Carolinian combo for the future. It could be great. Next up, New Jersey. That color is a real choice. But you know what? At least it stands out and your stamp isn't horrible. Level F, level B. Arizona. An impressive level, Arizona. You have a red and yellow sunset that resembles your state and is also a nod to the Spanish settlers.
I know some don't like the copper star, but they are wrong. Because you are the queen of copper! And it also makes me think of the sheriffs of the Wild West. Did I say A-level already, Arizona? One level, Arizona. Now for New York. New York, New York. I am a native son of his great state, so it pains me when I say that of all the flags, his is my biggest disappointment. Sure, his seal is better than most F and C levels. Whatever. But you are the Empire State, daughter of a real empire. If you're aiming for that awesome moniker, how do you think your flag compares to saying...this?
Let's visit London real quick and here you will see Union Jacks for sale everywhere, used Union Jacks everywhere. Because the UK did S-level work. Back in London, New York's sister city, can you even find a state flag? And are you really going to let New Jersey have a more identifiable flag than yours? New Jersey. Excelsior at S level, New York. Now get out of here. Georgia! Alright, I'm really torn about your flag. I feel like it almost works with the stamp in the corner, but in the end it doesn't work. And it's too much like North Carolina, which is too much like someone else.
You didn't write your name, but you did write many words. Level D. Alright, enough foreshadowing. Get up here, Texas. You already know this is an A-level flag. I don't need to tell you, but you've also done a lot of work with state pride. You and your citizens love and use this flag, as if you are still the Republic of Texas. And you'll get the extra points you deserve for it. Floooriidaaa. Did you just copy the Alabama flag, but make it worse? And you wrote your name on it? Level F. But, level A, only because you are copying a good design.
Try again. On your own, this time. And the last one is you, Utah. Oh, I see you have a last-minute redesign on your hands. What will it be? You have chosen wisely. This is a great and meaningful flag. The symbol of your people's industry atop the star of your state in the nation built on your red rocks before the white peaks and under the blue sky. It's a level. But class, the most important part of any assignment is not only knowing the written rules but what is inside the heart of the person giving the grade. This flag with bees and bees, to me, can't be more than S level.
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