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Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Interpersonal effectiveness

Nov 09, 2021
this episode was pre-recorded as part of an on-demand continuing education webinar CEUs are still available for this presentation via all CEU records in the all CEUs communication bar counselor toolbox. I want to welcome everyone to today's presentation

dialectical

behavior

therapy

skills

,

interpersonal

effectiveness

, if you've been with us for the past week you know that we first talked about

dialectical

behavior

therapy

techniques and started with emotion regulation and that's really about preventing vulnerabilities so you're not so reactive. and developing an awareness of what triggers your emotional emotionality, the second step we talked about was distress tolerance. Help the patient feel better.
dialectical behavior therapy skills interpersonal effectiveness
I know what I feel. I tried to do my best to avoid it, but life gave me lemons, I do and tolerance helps our clients develop tools so they can resist unpleasant emotions, unpleasant impulses when life throws lemons instead of responding to those impulses by responding to impulses so that they can work more on their value goals and objectives. The next step, which I call the problem-solving type, is called

interpersonal

effectiveness

, and it's very broad, but really what we're talking about is helping people realize once they know what's triggering their emotions and they have done all they can. becoming as unreactive as possible, which endures the distress when something bad happens, then they have to detach from their emotions and figure out how to solve the problem at the moment when they experience unpleasant emotion, have unpleasant thoughts and feel unpleasant and it is acceptable what it is right now but it's just going to be but you don't have to get stuck in the moment that in the next moment in the next moment you can figure out well what I want to do, I want to sit here or what actions I can take to improve the moment, so interpersonal effectiveness is really where we're going to focus today and there are so many tools that you can use for interpersonal effectiveness, and at this time we're really just going to provide basic tools at the beginning and give you an idea of ​​the webinars that I have planned, We're going to dig deeper into these

skills

, so in addition to defining interpersonal effectiveness, we'll identify barriers to for people to be effective interpersonally, we also look at the goals of interpersonal effectiveness, we try to help patients improve techniques to improve interpersonal effectiveness, so now we know what it is, we know why we want to do it;
dialectical behavior therapy skills interpersonal effectiveness

More Interesting Facts About,

dialectical behavior therapy skills interpersonal effectiveness...

What exactly are the techniques that we can offer our clients to help them become more effective in interpersonal relationships? Interpersonal efficacy is the ability to ask for what you want and say no to unwanted requests. we all do it and in fact no, we don't. There are many people who can't effectively ask for what they want because they fear rejection or you know of other reasons, but what they don't want they don't know what they want or can't say no to unwanted requests. and that the inability to set boundaries or maintain boundaries is a problem, so they feel like they're being taken advantage of, because they feel like no one cares about them, so let's talk about that, interpersonal effectiveness goals. they are to help others to the point of getting them to do the things you want them to do, but of course we are not talking about total manipulation, but if you want someone to call before they come to your house, that is reasonable. request, so we'll talk about the balance between what's reasonable and what's unreasonable.
dialectical behavior therapy skills interpersonal effectiveness
We want to help clients take other people seriously, many times clients with emotional dysregulation are seen as drama queens or drama queens and their friends get along. Are they being serious when they say they are having a hard time when I tell them they need help or that they don't take their perception of things seriously? So we want to help them figure out how to effectively communicate what they think their needs are and why we will help them. they effectively say no to the request, and you know it takes practice to strengthen your current relationships. Most people have a few relationships that are at least not completely damaged.
dialectical behavior therapy skills interpersonal effectiveness
Let's strengthen those relationships and we're going to talk about some of the challenges that exist when we get to that point and the hopeless relationships that are a real struggle for many of our clients creating and maintaining a balance between these two polar opposites. the negative between yes and knowing we know there will always be opposites and we have to find a way to walk that middle ground and balance acceptance and change we are talking about radical acceptance and just accepting things as they are good it is true but no you want to sit there and be fine it's just the way it is there's nothing i can do about it i might as well lie down we don't want them to accept this is how it is now what changes can i make to improve my situation in the future, what are our barriers, and i'm sure there are others I didn't think of lack of effective communication skills many clients when they get emotional or even if they are not emotional, perhaps they haven't developed the skills to effectively communicate their needs in an assertive way not be passive , not thinking or being a bit direct, so we want to help people figure out what effective communication looks and sounds like, because you can tell all the right words, but if their non-verbal yelling is just yelling at me, guess what's going to happen, they may not be clear on what other people want.
I want you to make him feel better. I want you to do it. I want you to fix it. Well, I don't know what that means to you. You know, I know my idea of ​​what would resolve the situation, but it may not be what you want, so we need to help people figure out how to define and articulate others. What is? You basically want me to do problems balancing your needs, the needs of the client, and the needs of other people, and one of the things we talk about here is if you've worked with clients who have a personality disorder or emotional dysregulation, especially with self-harm; there are times when you are so overwhelmed and so often that you feel like you need support you constantly feel like you need something and it can wear you out and that is not what you are trying to practice that is what you feel like you are being sucked into a rip current , they're not bobbing out of there, they're not floating in the water where they're being sucked in, so we want to help them figure out what their needs are, and of course emotion regulation and distress tolerance help them to they don't feel like they need as much as they get emotions in the way that they feel sad, not guilty, they feel angry, we've talked before about the fact that when people with emotional dysregulation get angry and I'm just going to use clutter disorder, They may also feel angry at themselves for doing it again and get angry or guilty again because they know they are scaring people and stressing them out. ace again so that your emotions get in the way. n that you have this whole mess of negative emotions that you're trying to deal with that prevents you from effectively problem solving and communicating your needs that you sacrifice long term goals for short term relief, it hurts, it needs to go away now, and I realize that it is true, but that now it must disappear.
What if it didn't happen if you sat next to him? five minutes or 15 minutes to talk about the ways things come in and feelings can come in when they get up and then go, so we want to encourage clients to start working on empowering themselves to deal with impulses that other people navigate your way. criticizing complaints or allowing other people to be more powerful than you feel you are very incompetent to do anything, it can seem like a lot of our clients are ineffective and us personally because they are afraid to assert what they need or what they want or what they want to order thoughts, the need for external validation also gets in the way of interpersonal effectiveness since every thought you express, since everything you say first goes through your mind this person will get mad if I say this this person will reject me if I say this when our clients' self-worth and existence depends on external validation if they don't have enough self-esteem to be powerful themselves, they're going to have a hard time e on an effective interpersonal level because they're going to be so scared they'll rock the boat and, ultimately they will believe that you do not deserve what you want.
A large portion of our clients don't think they're good enough not to. Do not think that they deserve to be happy that they do not believe that they deserve to help someone who helps them not to ask for help, that prevents them from asking for other things, then techniques, let's make priorities clear how important it is first to get what you want in this particular situation what exactly do you want you know you want to feel better ok i understand feel better now is one of the terms if my son gets sick i bless his heart if he gets sick a runny nose the world is coming to an end a teenager , so I think he goes with the territory, but when he wants to feel better and doesn't care about most of the other symptoms, he just wants to hold his nose. of running to feel better defined Whether by the person, what is the specification?
If he needs to change he needs to feel better and how can I help him with this so if he comes to me and says he knows I feel like shit and he knows what he can do. i do it to feel better if i can take something to feel better i have to go through this long questionnaire and tell me what are your symptoms that you need to treat we are talking about pain so we are looking at tylenol and ibuprofen talking we have a fever our stomach is upset it gives me a idea of ​​what needs to be fixed, and then I can figure out what tools we need to use, what we need to fix it.
You know it's wrong no matter what I got this letter in the mail and I'm in a daze and can't think straight so I have to fix it if you want me to fix it, after the result you're looking for then I know what the goal is in what direction I'm looking at, sometimes our clients remember that we talked about external validation, so they fear abandonment, they just want the reassurance that it won't go away and every time they get some disapproval or questioning, it makes them panic because they have afraid that you will leave them, so they want to know that you will never leave forever. that I'll never leave, but you know we die, we move things, but what can I do to make you feel safer right now?
How can I help you feel safe? I'm here for your work from time to time, of course, for other things, this is the last one, it's a big therapeutic problem that you're not going to solve in two sentences, and maintaining the relationship how important it is to get what you want in terms of keep the relationship if you have to choose between going his own way or keeping your relationship with who is more important and you know sometimes you will get what you want trump will keep the relationship and that is fine but the person has to highlight their thoughts and say ok yes this person maybe Sally gets a job offer across the country and she's been dating Sam for 15 months and she says I have this job offer.
This is something unique I really have to accept it and I want you to come with me if Sam says no what are you doing what are his priorities if he gives you the job offer to stay with Sam or says it's ok you know you can come and visit , it will be funny and moving, so this is one of the most common situations that can occur, but helping people figure out what their priorities are and how this particular situation fits with their most important values. and how important getting what you want is for self esteem if you get what you want helps you maintain self respect if you don't get what you want how it will affect your self esteem and why you know let's see if you don't get what you want , it's going to hurt your self-esteem in some way and we have to make clients realize what that means, what their self-esteem is based on, and why they would hurt themselves. -respect, because there are times when it's important for your own worth to carry this goal me or do that or have whatever and that's okay, maybe they're in a relationship and a partner wants their own bank accounts so they can control their own finances and it is really important for them to empower themselves, feel and maintain their self-esteem. respect.
We are in the balance of being willing to fight for this and it is important for the person, dear. This, of course, is the only one on this page, because I didn't have room for the whole acronym to describe in specific and objective terms what the problem is and what the solution is that I was hoping for. I can hear what the problem is and I still don't know where to go from there, so please tell me what you see the problem is and how I can help express feelings and opinions using I statements instead of you made me, or you have always said I have. you feel like it and you know this is something we've been working on withour clients probably since we were out of grad school, but it's important to remind people to express their feelings and opinions to speak to those that I declare. the other person doesn't feel like getting attacked asking what you want and you don't read minds when you walk in and out.
This house is a pigsty and you sit and no one gets up and starts cleaning and then you get mad you want to see what happened assertiveness will kick in yeah it looks like no one did their homework today. lack. I need everyone to get up and finish their homework before dinner. Rather, it's asking what you want to make a passive-aggressive statement and hoping people read and know what you want, reinforcing them by explaining the benefits to the other person ahead of time, and I love it when Sam comes over. home late and you know late dinner didn't call and sally had a whirlwind of tension because she didn't know what happened and he didn't call and dinner was ready and then dinner was burned and of course you know you can turn it all. out of control if you start the conversation with the statement I and say that i get very stressed if i don't hear from you i would appreciate it if you would call if you are late that would help me to be less stressed and us the night will be much better if sam here says win-win there he's going to be fine I think I can probably get my cell phone out and call because it's really nasty so offer the win/win- make sure the other person knows there's a benefit for them to comply with your request, be aware of your target when you start talking to someone about something if you want them to change their behavior or if you want to get something or what too stick around to use the target and ignore distraction techniques like blaming always do it and if you haven't and i wouldn't be late you know that if you don't see me six times during the day at work I didn't call then I'll finish on time and I wouldn't I'm late so it's your fault I'm late we want to increase the ig ting norate the use of words like always never the reason why it was.
You know why Sam didn't call. he was running late and he justified it by saying that you know, we will know that the traffic is bad at this time of day, and you shouldn't be so angry, or you should just change the subject and talk about what you know three weeks ago I got home late from the shopping and you didn't call me, we're not talking about what I did three weeks ago, we're talking about my request that you call me when you get home late, so I don't get stressed so it helps customers stay alert and not distracted Many of our clients have relationships with people who have learned that some of these techniques blame justification and topic shifting, often the situation can be defused because it takes the client to get our clients off topic, and then all of a sudden you know they're not as angry as they can be anymore.
I won't notice, but the problem is not solved. My favorite boss loved them to death. He worked for him for 14 years. I would go into his office and be really excited about something, and you know I worked for him for 14 years. he would be able to see it in my face and i would go in there and be like richard we had to talk and he would say it's okay so i'll sit down and tell him what's wrong and tell him what should have happened and you know why always you were with him you always came in with a solution at least one proposal and we talked for a while and i get out and then i get to the middle of the aisle and i stop at each stop i get to the middle of the aisle and i stop and i want to wait a minute wait a minute , nothing has changed; all he did was confirm how I feel and I feel better and I walk out and I still don't have a proper solution and I'll go in there and I want you to do it again for me and he would just laugh and he'd be like yeah I didn't do anything about it, but to help clients understand that this is a technique that our key people have learned to defuse situations.
I don't want to keep reinforcing it, so go back, help them figure out how to stay calm and focused on their goal, so we can start the discussion about how Sally didn't call when she was coming home late. shopping. I'll talk about that in a few minutes. I really need to know that you're going to call if you're late home for dinner because I know there's a lot of traffic and I get stressed and worried about you and then you know it ruins the whole night, he seems confident and Verbal and non-verbal behavior that doesn't look at the ground and don't wring your hands well if you don't have confidence, that's what I need, and when clients have learned to tolerate their distress and dehydration, regulate their emotions' a bit for the time being for this interpersonal effectiveness and problem solving, not they feel like it so okay then take a breather and we need to talk about something so they can trust that they don't feel out of control encourage them and encourage them to focus on how much power they have and how empowering it is to be able to regulate their emotions and approach them with confidence, remind them that trust is conveyed both verbally and non-verbally, so don't yell, don't talk too fast, because if I really say fast and maybe you won't get mad, don't speak in a normal tone l if he starts to get excited or breathing, so scale it down a bit and pay attention to the hands on his shoulders and make eye contact. so you don't always get what you want, so you can negotiate what you can offer and ask for other solutions that you can agree to, and you can say you know if you're being asked to do something that you can't say, but offer alternatives, there are ways to solve problems, and usually there are two people who disagree, or if there is a problem you know that you will not always come up with the best solution with the first thing that is suggested no and that's fine, so if the person Says you know it won't work for me, you can say it's okay.
I'm wondering if you have any suggestions that might solve the problem, or what you think might help solve the problem, and we can do it with our clients if we can model dear friend come back here in the session if they come and say oh I'm done If they are having the worst week, encourage them to describe it in specific objective terms, and they can describe missing the mark they can define and specify objective terms fic when describing their feelings they usually begin to express in therapy they use I statements, but when they begin to say which made me stop blah blah blah and say ok let's put it into a statement I got a laugh when you encouraged them to practice what they know and of course you are going to let them know up front that this is something you are going to to practice in the session, so they are used to doing it when they are not in the session, so they don't feel offensive if you stopped them before, okay, let's go back and try to say it again as u na nice statement talk about the assertion and ask for what you want you know if we hear them say their week we can say you know I don't hear where you actually ask directly for what you want do you know how you could do that it was left a little clearer and you know they read your mind, did you tell them what you need?
How did you express the benefits? It's going to be and when I start working with clients on interpersonal skills, this is probably the one that gets forgotten the most because it's not just what nature teaches us, but explaining the benefits to the person of yours in complying with your request, so that clients benefits were there for Sam if he complied with the request or accepted the request, consideration, okay, when you had this conversation with Sam, did you get the feeling that he was left on the sidewalk, did you feel like he heard you and stayed? at work, or was he everywhere you were everywhere and how could you be more aware and remember, so you know how the verbal and non-verbal words were, were you aggressive, where were you passive, where did you add, were you sure how to I looked and you know everything they're doing is fine because even if there was a lot of passive stuff and a lot of shy stuff there's probably assertive stuff like just to open up the conversation however it took a lot of courage to do that let's push as much as we can , let's affirm as much as we can, which is positive, and then, okay, she and Sam didn't have a meeting about this, how would you go about it so you can negotiate to come to a mutually agreeable alternative, this happens a lot when couples o Families are trying to figure out what to do for spring break or summer break or any kind of vacation where you know one person wants to go to Disney World, the other person wants to go to Disney World. e go for a walk and another wants to go to the beach and it's okay that we can't go to the three of us, so how can we work it out, how can we compromise, and you know sometimes you can just say no? , we're not going to do it, but I'm willing to do these other three things another acronym is give talk about problem solving a little bit explain what they want to express to other people what do they want need for beer man now we have to have those other people so we're going to keep the relationships that we have, and as I said before, a lot of our client relationships are difficult because sometimes it's very exhausting because other people don't understand, it's not smooth, there are no attacks that threaten to manipulate or judge idea. you shouldn't know that moralizing is nice when you talk to another person, no sneering look, your eyes don't roll, cunning eyes don't roll or my daughter's name, who is also a teenager, one day she told me that my eyes should be the strongest muscle in my body because I do at least 300.
I roll today. I'm so yes, and she exaggerates that she's a good girl, but she knows that non-verbals are loud and clear. We know that 80% of our communication is non-verbal, so make sure that what you say is as smooth as possible and the way you say it and your non-verbal manner are not the attack either. If you're a natural, that's more offensive than me. hands act with interest listen oh my gosh here's a concept listen to what's being said with interest pay attention to your non verbal there so if they're talking and you're bored and fooling around and whatever they take pay attention Pay attention to what you're both saying non-verbally because if he gets bored or if he starts to shut down and become hostile, how will that affect you if he starts to become hostile?
They'll probably respond the same way and we're going to of course, at the peaks of negative intensity are the times when the nonverbals are completely harmless, you know you're freezing, so most of the time you stay like that, and you can tell the difference between cold and irritated but just be careful stay tuned contact that's not all you're not going to want 30 minutes on someone's soul watching you know you're going to break eye contact here and there but if they're talking and you look around and you look at the birds behind them and you look at the things on the ground and you count the tiles that they're going to answer and you don't care, it's not a good way to nurture a relationship and try to take away from you emotions off the top again, many of our clients struggle to do that once they've been attacked or overridden in some way or begin to feel, fight or flight in any way, their threat response kicks in, which means that they stop listening, they stop paying attention, and they're in conservation mode, so we want to help them figure out how to tune out their emotions in these conversations so they're more like a scientist who only listens to facts listens to information and then processes it's hard if you can give them a picture of a scientist or a computer or a fly- on the wall you know not all flies will make him mad and start flying in circles the fly will just sit there and go wow d really hit the wall hard person, try to help her figure out how to let go when she's talking to people, so she's not so prone to reacting to her impulses and acting to sacrifice her long-term goals.
V is for validation, pay attention, you know the basic lift from Paris 101, so what I heard is that yes, it feels a little quiet at first, but eventually, when people do it, they get their own flow, they get their own words. , and you remember when you started in the introduction to counseling and your first practice, it felt really strange at first, but when you have your own way of defining and thinking, look at what's not being said. What is the underlying message? What are you listening? Maybe the person is telling you that you didn't call and how rude that was.
What was the underlying message? paying attention and what things are left out, understanding how the other person's reactions and thoughts make sense based on their past and their presence when they react to how they respond, but I learned how to do it from somewhere, and it was the most rewarding choice so if they're scared because you forgot to call that makes sense if you scare them tell them there's a fight or flight going on why are they mad or scared why do they see a threat how does it make sense in any way and you know Whats Next? walk away from it admit that anything is valid if they make observations that are valid admit and support it and demonstrate that the treatment of the other person is not equal, not fragile incompetent or domineering. and you struggle a lot to deal with life on life's terms you know that's ok but you know strong people especially problems regulate their emotions so far telling me they are very strong we just have to give them the tools to have a happier life;
Nothey are incompetent so let's empower them to take action for themselves instead of trying to do or take care of things for them, take it easy. You're just going to sit down with someone in a general conversation and say hey let's talk about this for a second if we need to talk when I talk to my kids sometimes we need to have a serious discussion about something and you know I'll sit down and talk for a while but then I'll try to break the ice so make a joke here or there to make them smile and as you know it's okay it won't be too bad if you end the interaction. at least on a higher note it helps maintain that relationship because the person doesn't come out of that interaction oh it was so terrible that they did and you know it's an unpleasant time but it's all good now be fair to yourself if the another person validates your feelings i can see how you feel that way.
This is how I feel. I try to encourage clients not to use the word because it invalidates everything that came before it. I see how you feel, but I don't care about the background. It's how I feel. know that the middle ground can help, don't apologize for your feelings or opinions, maybe the way you present it is to apologize, but your feelings and opinions are what they are; don't apologize for feeling angry about something, or even happy about something, don't invalidate the valid. Many of our clients will cut back on their strengths, downplay the things they've done because they don't want to be seen as boastful or domineering or because they don't want to risk rejection in any way, but we don't want them to. that we want them to take ownership of the really good things that they do stick to your values ​​if something is important to you then that's okay it doesn't mean it has to be important to someone else you know they're going to stick to their values ​​too but if it's important to you then keep that in the things you say and the things you do and try to embrace that value and then be honest don't lie or exaggerate or make excuses if you screwed up you screwed up so you know how I feel it was my mistake I won't do it again or you know try not to if you're blaming someone for something obviously try not to blame try to say when this happens I feel like it's disrespectful I wish you would instead of trying to blow it off or instead of b boiling it down to something that's monumental, which is really hard because a lot of our clients, because they don't want to express their feelings, they don't want to speak for themselves, they swallowed this whole litany of doing me wrong and , finally, whatever. say something about it, probably the final straw and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, you've disrespected me in these 270 different ways in the last 12 years and the person is sitting there and asking, where did he do that? ? so you help your clients understand where their emotional dysregulation can come from and sometimes these outbursts, if you will, can come from putting things away for so long, so they need to be aware of what they have in that closet or if you want to think of it as a pressure cooker, you know what they have in there?
Take away some of the pressure underneath that they can deal with and get rid of, so ask for something or say no and Linehan proposed 10 levels. so my clients remember on the fly if there are five of them, so level one asks tentatively, you know, would you mind helping me move this weekend? if they ask you to do something and you know it's not a big deal either way you really don't care you can agree but voice your opinions you know if i'd rather not but you know what i'll do level two is asking with Trust This is something that is a little more important, but you are still willing to take it now. he says no then i could reply with some other proposal ok i need to get chicken feed is there a time you can help me or what time can you help me this weekend or this week to get that chicken feed if they ask you to do something and if you really don't want to do it say no for sure but be willing to reconsider you know it could work out you know what if i make it worth it and then you're going to say it's ok level l 3 hold on with trust no, this is something you really need and it's not something like important, so you will resist accepting it, although you will literally try to negotiate a bit the same if someone asks you to do something that you really don't mean to no firmly and you really resist saying yes. it's not just one of those things that are I sign you wore me out you looked at me for 30 seconds level 4 you asked firmly you insist and negotiate or say no you firmly insist and negotiate it's like no that's really not something I can do how about and this would come up with substance abuse clients for example if your friends want to go to a bar that may not be a good place for them and they can say no that's not something I can do and I have to insist that it would make them happy of going into these other three things with you and that's totally fine and then level 5 is asking firmly and insisting this is something I really need to have done is important and by saying know if it's something that's really important to yourself- estimate your long-term goals your health your well-being you may have to say no, that's not something you can do, for example, in Tennessee, marijuana is not legal.
I will insist that there is no negotiation with that person, so encouraging clients to understand where their different levels are are points to consider when deciding if you are going to ask for something or say no, this person can deliver or if you are going to agree. agreement. something you deliver or go g for you already have six things going this weekend and you can't help them move if it relates to high or low priority goals because you know they all have an energy cap so is this a priority is it something What do you want to ask someone? give some of your energy to something or is it something you have energy to give to someone else how important is this in terms of energy how will it affect your self esteem saying no or accepting no for an answer what are each person's rights and values in the situation I'm not saying that we're going to change them, but what are their rights, you know it's their right to say no, it's okay, what are their values ​​and you know that we want to respect them in the relationships in which we want to move forward what is the effect of your action on your long term goals if i say yes to this is it will it get me closer to where i want to be and be the kind of person i want to be or will it keep me right here and not moving which is also fine or it's going to send me back how much give and take there is in the relationship if i'm asking for something am i always the one asking for something and i'm always taking and not giving anyway is the other person if they? they are asking me for something they are always taking and not giving or is it more balance and give and take you have done your homework do you know what to do and what you want to happen do you know if you want to have your house painted well that is great we are painting our house right now, but what is the task?
How long do the painters need to do? the walls the trim on the doors yadda yadda and this helps you plan in our particular situation they first said it was going to be an eight day job and I said yeah that sounds good so they came the first day like I will have this done in two days and i'm like you're fun and they hadn't ordered enough paints and all kinds of stuff so they didn't do their homework then timed sometimes the person would be more than happy to do it but they have something else going in this moment that you can't put off so consider the moment you are asking someone for a favor or whatever we have we have these wonderful relationships we are talking about how to keep them how to ask for what we want I want it to be a give and take even a great balance, but let's also look at finding some new relationships.
Where do we find this? Find people with similar interests. I only have a couple of really close friends and being around a lot of people can take a lot of energy; on the other hand, extroverts tend to know that they seem to know everyone and being around people recharges them, so when we encourage our clients to go out they would find new relationships if we tell an introvert to go to parties they will just look at them with those big eyes and they'll say oh no no I can't do that if we suggest something that's a little bit smaller you know five or ten people then that would be a whole different thing encourage them to work on conversational skills learn to do open questions obviously the ones that don't end in yes or no make small talk and to make small talk you have to stay on top of current events and talk about things that are not necessarily highly emotionally charged we practice this or encourage Ask clients to practice this in the first five minutes of the group or before the group begins to practice chatting with their group mates and asking openly Questions ended adas just to get used to it and when I'm there I'm preparing so the group doesn't look like I'm eavesdropping as much even though they know I am and I'll comment later in private usually to people. about you know What you made was a good point or you know you're really making progress in being able to hold conversations and keep them going.
Find common ground that seems calm. It seems reasonable. Ask people about you. You know what your interests are. What kind of music do you listen to. Like if you like finding out what you know, whatever your interests, see if you can find something in common with them and be fully aware of skillful self-disclosure. We've all met people, especially online, but not all of us have met people who just meet you and then say things that are like oh wow too much information too much it's important to learn what's appropriate and you know that give and take of reciprocal self-disclosures from people. that we talk in grad school is important and we are used to it but not everyone is going through the same training beware of disinhibition online though if you meet someone online and you are talking to them online a lot of times the people will say things online that they don't know.
I wouldn't say it to your face just because they don't even think about it you know they're not face to face so it's not so embarrassing to say something and then be like you know oh you need to say that encourage customers to be aware of what they write so that introverts understand that backwards sorry extroverts get energized with other people be more aware of what's going on around them so they can be aware of their surroundings they can harness the energy of people they like to figure things out while they talk, so if they have a problem they're going to say 'oh let me tell you what happened today and I just don't know what I'm going to do and they'll keep talking and then I'll come to a conclusion and that's how they process well and don't care about interruptions, or just they float freely and think and process as they go, introverts, on the other hand, have to exert energy to be around others.
It's not like people have low self-esteem or anything like that, it's just a difference in the way they interact with people. They're much more aware of what's going on inside of them and they figure things out and then talk. They'll have a problem. They'll go to sit somewhere quiet they'll think about coming over they'll think of some solutions and then they'll call their best friend and say, hey I've got this problem and these are the three solutions I came up with, what do you think? and they tend to prefer peace and quiet so like i said i have those two labels backwards sorry your introverts think intro they know what's going on inside and they need some quiet time they need time for introspection to maintain relationships be aware of what is happening what you are projecting and how you are impacting others be aware of your impact on others so if you are in a bad mood how does that affect everyone around you?
If you're in a good mood, how does that affect everyone around you because you both have an impact. watch out for what I generically call transfer issues if they remind you of someone or if a client has a friend who reminds them of someone make sure they understand who they are responding to if they get mad at their best friend who reminds them of their mom or does something which reminds them of their mom if they are really getting so mad at their best friend or is it something we were talking about that has been pushed down paying attention was interest in curiosity hearing what they have i gave and you know even if you don't agree , ask yourself how they could possibly have thought that Lisa makes you a little curious somewhere, stop multitasking, don't play games on your phone and watch TV. set things aside pay attention to the relationship stay in the present instead of planning your response instead of you know sometimes a lot of american culture actually as soon as we finish talking the other person is responding and what where are we ready to try to plan what's next? let's say instead of listening to what they have to say in response focus on the people around you pay attention if how they are feeling know what they are non-verbal to maintain rapport As you know if you are working in an office and Jane is there , seems a little depressed today.
Whatamazing it would be to go and be like Jane. You seem a bit down today. Anything I can do to help instead of just sitting in your chair and looking like Jane is having a bad day, be open to new information, you may have an idea about something and there was something that came from the house or something about killing bears in their dens and you know I got really excited because I'm a huge animal rights advocate but when I posted this I was like ok someone explained to me how this is needed why it's important and how it could have happened . new information and it makes this make sense because I'm pretty angry right now but you know I may not know the whole story so please encourage people to approach things tentatively and try to put critical thoughts aside about other people who are always right because Guess What You can't help but assume that you know what other people think you know what they say about assuming you should avoid questioning other people's motives. it flows and I have a little picture of a Newton's cradle here when you take that ball out it hits and the energy transfers and that other ball comes out and then back and forth and back and forth the energy always transfers it's a dice take to give it a try and we want our relationships to be more like Newton's Cradle sometimes our clients have to end unhealthy relationships so we want to encourage them to make the decision in the wise mind not the emotional mind if someone does something and gets annoying ok give him some before you go oh i will never speak to that person again.
Get out of the emotional mind and into your knowing mind so that you can evaluate all the information. Communication is important and not destructive. Solve problems if you are going to have a discussion with someone. keep your composure be direct don't beat around the bush to let me know there is a problem practice the opposite action for love and this is something that is hard to understand sometimes obviously the opposite action is hate what i encourage clients to do if they romanticize a bad relationship and can tell me all the wonderful things about johnny or sally or whoever that's ok those are all wonderful things but i heard you're in a lot of pain so please tell me what are the negative aspects of this relationship and i want to that you remember that when you start re-romanticizing how amazing it is and be sure, obviously if it's a relationship.
Encourage clients to be very safe and refer to domestic violence. ce refuge and all that kind of thing at once walking the middle path the universe is full of opposing sides and forces there is always more than one way to look at a situation and more than one way to solve a problem so we can always ask tell me how do you see this what is your opinion do you have other information do you have other ideas on how to solve the problem we don't have to be right but we can have this goal here you know i need this to happen so some other ways we can achieve that target two things that seem opposite can be true remembering that everything is interconnected somehow like a butterfly a butterfly moves its wings and moves the air so what about thinking about your vulnerabilities you know if you don't have enough you sleep and wake up and you're tired then , how does that affect the next and the next and the next and you know that's how it's affecting you but you meet people along the way how are you impacting the cle rk, that was at the gas station when you got gas, how are you impacting the person you cut off in traffic, how are you impacting your office mates so that everything is interconnected and all those people are interacting with you and impacting in your meaning and truth? evolve over time and every moment is an opportunity for a new reality so what is true in this moment well now is past we are in a new now and a new now what we do influences our environment and people in it and they influence us back, so if we are happy and kind to someone and they smile back, how does that affect you? drop the extremes and change one or both and if we don't have to have this or that, how can we get both? how can we both be happy? you know discuss both sides and see what comes out w With making lemonade or finding a silver lining, bad things happen but there are also good things, the good that can come out of this, treat others if you want to be treated, no explanation needed, try to look for similarities with people, not differences you may disagree with. many things, but what similarities do they have?
Well you're both human ok that's a good place to start you both have kids ok so try to build on that practice radical acceptance and practice accepting change because change happens pay attention to its impact on others how they impact you let the blame go you know it doesn't do anyone any good if i'm blaming then i'm putting the other person on the defensive and we're probably getting nowhere we're not creating a win -win we're creating a lose- lose and remember that all behaviors are caused, they are the best option given all the available options the person had at the time so how is it possible that this behavior, how this reaction, makes sense and how could we change it so that in the future that is not the best option we want to balance accept change and accept what is and change reality we want a balance validating ourselves going you know what D'Arnot I'm fine and admitting mistakes I'm fine but Sometimes I'm wrong I work and rest needs and desires self-improvement versus self-acceptance we tell people we want them to accept themselves for who and how they are and forgive me then we talk then we need to help ourselves improve, huh, so help them balance independence and dependency, openness and privacy, trust and suspicion, and self-focus vs. others-focus.
You can see how all of these are vital to our survival, but you don't want to be on one extreme or the other. there has to be a balance somewhere people with emotion dysregulation often have difficulty in relationships due to a lack of effective interpersonal skills the need for external validation and a lack of clarity about what they really need the need to go The Personal and interpersonal effectiveness for them is helping them clarify their wants and needs. Improve your assertiveness and interpersonal skills. I'll drop you anytime to take your quiz so you still have a little bit obviously like I said you get 1.5 hours of CEUs but do you have any questions?
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