cold opens that live in my head rent free | Fugget About ItMar 11, 2022
How's it going? I used to be Jimmy Falcon, a kingpin in the New York crime family, which is like the vice president of a major company like IBM or Hooters, but now I'm Jimmy McDougall because I'm in witness protection and living like a fool in Canada. . Look, I heard a while ago that the bosses signed a contract with my Uncle Cheech. The poor man was hit on the
headone too many times. He was blabbering on about our best stuff. The hoffa thing. The Kennedy thing. Scientology. I had to do something so I got me to sit with the boss Cheech made him a lot of money over the years so I thought it might appeal to the soft side of the man that you are so I was right I don't know about your business, but mine. you cant beat a boss oh rocco fat so big long time how are you punks not doing shit organization gone crazy these were my best friends from grade school coming up behind me we used to shake the homeless together just for fun i never thought they would grow up to be this bad i mean i just reinstalled those windows and these sons of knew i didnt know what to do where to go who to trust so i crossed into the dark side play ball with us jimmy help us lock up your cronies and we'll protect you we'll put you somewhere they'll never find you anywhere they won't even think to search somewhere far and remote and
coldexcuse me why you have to being cold because cold stinks and we don't like you i see the logic in that so that's what i did i ratted out everyone i knew so my kids could grow up with a father who isn't dead and that's how we came to
livehere í in vagina saskatchewan thats rejoin your fucking papa papa stop busting my balls im talking here thats my cookie wife shes a pain in the ass but i have to say i love her you know why shes standing here anyway if any of you think starting a new life in the vagina regina is going to change the falcon lick douglas forget it how you doing im jimmy mcdougall but i used to be jimmy falcon you probably read about me in the papers mob bigwig turned robbed government What you don't know is that, despite all the bad things I've done in my life, the only thing I'm most ashamed of was getting my friends off of that and the time I had to bathe my grandmother, it was so nice you care mr falcone he told us his crimes now point out his accomplices how could i love these guys sure they were trying to kill me but thats no reason to ruin a friend's life huh what was the question again, stop delaying Mr.
Falcone, either you testify and you and your family will be protected or you can all take your chances on the street, that's blackmail, arrest that man, final warning, Mr. Falcone, it's okay for you to stay with me safe for the family i will here go ready i will point now yes i am can you feel the tension could you cut it with a knife especially you tommy do it your way mr falcone maybe your friends will take you home okay he he he he he, he, now I understand you. s to arizona oh mr falcone it may be better if you don't announce where we'll be hiding him yes that was dumb i can't hide in arizona now how about florida oh my god new mexico and that's how we came to
livehere in vagina regina saskatchewan but if any of you think a little cold is gonna get us down forget it how you doing i used to be jimmy falcom a kingpin in a gambini crime family now i'm jimmy madoo living in witness protection like a schnook but i have to admit sometimes i can't help but wonder If it's not my damn fault you see, a while ago I needed to ask the don for a favor.
He talks a lot, but he doesn't mean he doesn't, by the way, it's not easy to keep the don in one piece. He was a great man, a brilliant criminal mind, but something like that. a spaz like i was saying cheech means no harm it's just a little light in a cranial region hey jimmy look at that ing storm concoction it's that lightning son of a it's lightning jimmy better be a gun in your pocket you i beg your pardon don gambini but as i was saying godfather my uncle cheech is a good man he has always been a good source of income for you and if you could just show him some mercy jimmy you come to me on a good day today i get news that my beautiful daughter tina is too married on this day i am a happy man filled with lots of love does this mean you will give my uncle cheech another chance nah that ship has sailed but what it means is you can bring your family to the wedding especially to that daughter of yours, Teresa, what a piece of ass, like I said, sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's not all mine. damn guilt cause that's why we ended up in witness protection here in vagina regina saskatchewan but if you think i'm gonna beat myself up for it forget it how you doing i used to be jimmy falcone til i testified against the mob to save my uncle cheech but living in witness protection isn't all the beaches in it the feds take you out of your house and put you in an army base and you have to leave it all behind call me sentimental but i had a lifetime of memories at home buried under my floor in little unmarked bills so i went to get my nesting guy back awesome graphics remember we're here for the nest egg and nothing else oh no it's the gambini boys ah jimmy they bought your old house no they're here to kill us get ready to bust some eggs oh crap we're at the spinoli house next door ah look how big angelo got so we went next door and got the nest egg , spent he laughed without incident but we have him with us now since witness protection put us here in the vagina regina saskatchewan because if anyone thinks they can part a hawk from their memories forget it how you doing im jimmy mcdougall but i used to be jimmy falcone a respected new york businessman in the gangster and gangster related industries then i beat up my boss and ratted out everyone i knew to save my your uncle's life right now the mob isn't as glamorous as you think before trial they put you in in a federal safe house on an army base so no one can get to you but that doesn't mean they won't try jimmy you killed the dawn a simple apology ain't gonna cut it hey i offered to do the eulogy it wasn't me who said that's tacky he was the family consolieri he comes to see me it could only mean danger but it was still nice you have a visitor you meet jimmy in the roman empire and then godfather too when someone messed up the way you just did they were handed over to support his wife and kids for the rest of their lives all he had to do was kill himself first. the trial on my dead body your son you said with all due respect your a man your position look jimmy i always liked you actually i went to the mat for you to help your family help me help you wow when the guy who doesn't like me coming here listen , it will be very embarrassing for me to come back and say you won.
I will not honor this request if you don't do this. I will dedicate my life to hunting you down. You and your family will never know a moment of peace for the rest of your days. How about the nights? Can we have the nights off? It was the most difficult. decision i had to make right i'll do it i'll throw it away turns out it was an easier decision than i thought so here i am with my wife and kids alive and well in vaginas hey joiner saskatchewan but if you don't believe it. that's pretty much the same as being dead forget it how you doing i used to be jimmy falcon a big shot in the gambini crime syndicate but i ratted out my friends so me and my family had to go into witness protection whats up with witness protection you can't just start out being witness protected you have to learn to be a completely diffe
rentperson and that's not easy so remember you're not the falcons or the mcdougals anymore what's your name jimmy falcone not your name fake oh my the fake name is tommy mcdougall don't say my fake name i don't know your fake name we'll come back to you now debbie could you get me a glass of water debbie could you get me a glass of water gina your new name is debbie i know but get your own damn water come on people you'll be moving in two weeks one slip up and your cover will be blown when will i get a nose job? i have to get a job tommy who is tommy you are tommy i killed tommy once good boy oh and that's when they decided we should keep our real names and then they sent us to vagina regina saskatchewan but if any of you guys think about changing our names go trade to the falcons forget it how you doing i used to be jimmy falcone a big shot in the new york crime family now i'm in witness protection in canada but i'll never forget that day they made me leave the only home i've ever had acquaintance cookie kids get your asses in gear let's take this vacation Canada Started Wake up daddy Just because we're going abroad doesn't make this a vacation.
I do not deny it. I was in denial. I couldn't face the fact that I was leaving everyone I loved and taking my wife and children with me. me not so much fun a family road trip he's ready for another round of windows up down up down he always knows what he's going to do it's ok you'll be under rcmp protection from here on out go it's cold welcome to canada welcome come on i got blankets and whiskey y'all this will warm up your cockles if it's going to warm up my cockles i'll need a bigger blanket i'm straight special agent mccool my mission is to help you assimilate keep a low profile and make sure you don't violate our nation's laws sorry violate what group energetic i loved this assignment the moment i was given it let the protection begin jump you have to be me and then they took us to this crazy place called vagina regina saskatchewan but if anyone is thinking of a vacation up here forget how you va i'm jimmy mcdougall before jimmy falcone i used to be a big shot in the new york mob until i turned into a rat to keep from getting g they got hit it wasn't easy betraying my old friends but they turned on me first made it a little easier but the hardest thing i had to do was tell my family we had to go into witness protection so guys, i have something important to say you know how all my friends are trying to kill me yeah daddy that's all you ever talk about you really you shouldn't bring your work home with you well i was thinking about fixing the problem maybe we should just leave town lo that i hate you i agree with your idiot uncle no way it's ok move on and that's how we got to live here in vagina regina saskatchewan but if you think it's going to keep this family from sticking together forget it how you doing im jimmy falcone an ex mobster big shot and cur
rentsuburban schnook living in witness protection in canada it was not easy leaving the old life my family and i were used to living a certain way a certain way and above all it has speak a certain way so I say bing and he says what about your students people come on the sooner they learn to speak Canadian the sooner we can send them to their new home wait a minute they don't have American cheese in Canada but they will called processed cheese. for the most part yeah no cliff notes there how am i going to almost fail my classes?
They're called Cole's notes, but he would recommend studying more. You're beautiful. Wait a minute. How come they don't have Canadian bacon in Canada? They call it bacon from the back of the pig. Why don't they call it back bacon? That might go well with that progress cheese. I have a question. What's his name? a mugging or mugging people isn't that hard b toilets are called toilets whole milk is called wait this can't be right here it says it's called homo milk oh what kind of sick country are you taking us to and who exactly is milking these homos but we had no choice but to pick up this godforsaken language before they sent us to vagina regina saskatchewan where i'm still trying to learn my abc's but if you think just because we live in the great white north we're going to drink milk homo forget it goodnight my name is peter mcdougall in at least now i've also been called a geek nerd geek nerd nerd nerd and geek geeky nerd nerd but for most of my life i've been known as petey falcone son of jimmy falcone one of the mobsters New York's most notorious but despite what you may have read about my father, he has actually been a very loving man who would do anything for his family.
Third hit hits you, I mean home run, but one day the mob turned on him like mobsters are prone to and they didn't care if they had any of us in the process, but he protected his family and heroically helped convict some of the most horrible men in the country all of whom were in my communion and this is how we ended up here in witness protection in regina vagina saskatchewan and if any of you think this story wasn't just a huge rationalization forget whats a button another okay there he is hey how are you I'm chasing falcone well look man I have the alias and witness protection because my nephew jimmy didn'ti have likes but i had no choice so there's a contract for me it's a big deal i mean maybe i told some secrets to anyone who would listen but there are many other secrets i would never tell anyone like him fact that we faked the moon. landing we were the ones who shot dick cheney's friend in the face and got the weapons of mass diversion out of iraq someone got the memo wrong but it's still us so anyway my nephew is going to patch things up out with don gambini whose first name funnily enough is dawn so if he wanted to he could call himself don don which he would do i mean how cool would that be cheech it means no harm it's just a little light in a cranial region i have nothing of what to worry about jimmy will bail me out ma ron don dan is a pancake then the mob tried to kill us jimmy ratted everyone out to the feds and we ended up in regina's vagina no wait you were right but if you think that's going to stop me from shooting my mouth you can just what it is i forgot what it is forget it thats the only one welcome bienvenue my name is rcmp special agent straight mccool i was just your run of the mill mount until that day i first heard the name jimmy falcone i would like to request a transfer sir again you would be my best agent but you have ants in your pants i put you on homicide counternarcotics you've cleaned up the whole west side of this country what's left for you witness protection what to forget it's not a opportunity to reform America's most hardened criminals into respected members of society what a challenge what an honor i can't do it mccool you're too valuable to me in the streets i want the falcone case boss no i demand it don't i? call me sir, you're too tall for a job like that.
I'm not going to demote my best officer just because he wants to join the babysitters club. I had to take action. Maybe there was something he could learn from Jimmy Falcone. Degraded and those kind of viewers is how I got this assignment and I won't rest until this motley American household becomes the epitome of good Canadian citizenship and if you think I'm ever going to give up on this family pussy you can forget it. how you doing im cookie mcdougall used to be cookie falcon wife of mob big shot jimmy falcone we were living the good life back then but i didnt know what was going on and i didnt want to know because i knew what was going on anyway uncle cheech Jimmy was spilling mob secrets so it was only a matter of time before he was six feet under and I've never been one to wait until the last minute.
He was such a good man that I will miss him very much. Don't turn red. flowers next to red flowers what's wrong with you poor cheech i will never forget his giggle what are you doing you can't put food next to a corpse get him out of here oh ch wait come back here give me a crab cake oh it's dry cook i got a rope i know jimmy it wasn't your fault you did everything you could but don gambini is an inflexible man he doubled over when he hit the pavement i'll tell you these crab cakes are dry hey who died holy?
Shit Cheech you're alive I'm so happy Jimmy you got dawn to call off the hits well yes and no I mostly don't see you I threw dawn out the window everybody wants to hit me so we're moving to Canada and this is how. we ended up living here in regina vagina saskatchewan but if you think living here is going to change us you can go yourself forget it she meant forget
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