Cameron Diaz's Cleavage Settled Jimmy Carr's Nerves | Friday Night With Jonathan Ross

he's one of the biggest faces in the stand-up and to

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he's going to show us why he's not only going to talk to me, but he's also going to go out and do some material for you. Could you welcome mr. Jimmy Carr ladies gentlemen, thank you very much. I'm actually a pretty gay-friendly act. Last november i was asked to judge mr. gay UK I said there is no problem at all, he is against nature and against God, he will help. My girlfriend said: Have you been having sex behind my back? I told him who the hell you think he was and one other thing I wouldn't kill you.

Look around me from time to time and check everything I'm doing. I have a friend whose nickname is Shagger. You might think she's cool. She does not like it. She was walking through a very dangerous area of ​​London near where I live and walking. Down the main street, this little fifteen year old virgin ran out of a side alley, she was out of breath, huffing and puffing, clearly in distress, she said, help me, help me. Amma mayor being assaulted she said she, of course, I will help my partner and me. are being branded there are 1 million Beast children in Britain today there is a terrifying fact isn't it 1 million obese children?

You realize if everyone jumped at the same time they could lose a little weight. I saw a homeless person. A guy on the bus today got off. I thought, how do you know it's him? My girlfriend used to get mad at me because they used to leave the toilet seat up, so I don't do that anymore. Always try to lower it. It's just a little thing, but you know, it shows that you care, you know she's a woman that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, there's no way to win with her, now she's upset because she's covered in urine, I'm painting myself.

In a bad light, ladies gentlemen, you obviously know that I am not like that. I am actually a very modern man. I have no problem buying tampons, but apparently they're not a proper gift, so I'm being misogynistic for the comic. effect obviously ladies gentlemen I don't mean that he also goes the other way around, right? men men are not good at stopping and asking for directions would you agree with that ladies I raise my hand that we are not good at stopping and asking for directions of course on the other hand maybe you wouldn't have to if you could read Well a map, that's all you have to do.

I have time to talk better with Jonathan. Thank you so much. I thank you. about everyone watching I think it's offensive if you offend everyone, then okay, okay, that's not stupid, Bobby. I took your great comedian with you on tour. I think you're doing something called off-TV. It's a new tour, yes, doing a tour. ac

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the UK Jimmy Carr get up, you can get a copy of that, now what can we expect for our money on this? Because you buy a DVD, you don't just want to stand up. Are there extras here? Yes, the extras have gotten big.

The last few years are just extras. Why are you spending £20 on a DVD and thinking? Well, I don't just want the show, I want something else, so I made another TV show just for the DVD, which is called Comedy Idol and it's a little bit like Pop Idol, but with comics, okay, so you have people who It comes with an audition, yes, but I wanted to try stand-up. I came to the audition and obviously some of them were brilliant, yes, and some of them were brilliant for different reasons, like in the way that we enjoy the people who are in the expected example who are not necessarily the most polished artists, it is so brilliant the first couple of episodes of The X Factor where you see people who are funny because they shouldn't be on their own, yeah, so how does Comedy Idol work?

Because a pop idol and the expert on most shows has a prize at the end. The prize was to come and perform in the theater where I recorded the DVD, so he came and performed in front of a thousand people. Speaking of if you've been out of state several times. I know you've not only appeared on other people's shows, but you've also done shows for the American market. I've done a couple of series, all I used to do here is called Distraction for Comedy Central, which is pretty funny, and so what's the audience like? Is it a different type of audience than what you hear in the United States?

I mean the numb audience in the studio and also other people watching at home, the audience in the studio when you record a show in the United States, I would say maybe a day or two of the homeless people have someone to sit with, which is not going to get to where everyone is paying them to be there. they paid, they pay the audience to be there, oh, the audience pays the presenter to be there. Good idea, it would be that they pay the audience to hit them and they are there because we record like four shows in one day, for them they are there. 12 hours well that's what they get paid for, yeah let me join in on this okay?

Does that mean you can boss them around and tell them what to do because you're paying them? I don't believe it. No, you still have to try to entertain them. but it's just that you think they'll be there for a long time, if you're paying, you say laugh and they laugh and play it, which is what they don't, it works now, here's the thing, yeah, we have great programming in the to

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's program. great comedian Shane, who is a great guest, we have two fabulous guests coming up, Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette. I think you've met Cameron before, is that correct?

Yes, no, I have met four. I mean, you know, I don't know how to do it. In the United States we can check with them if they have heard of me. I'm sure not. I'm sure they would say yes even if they had because Cameron, you love all of his work, right? What do you like? You're going to get hurt like he did when we did The Tonight Show together. Wow, so you really remember that. You don't really go out as much as you should. Darling, like a pretty pony, that's what I was going for. Thank you.

I've been looking for a nice pony for years, so get that saddle ready and I think we'll need the Spurs. Oh, I'm going to clean up Cameron, dear, and it's my birthday next week. My wife listened, so what happened shows that you know in the United States. you go ahead and you stand there, uh, and it's petrifying the first time I was there doing that Jay Leno thing, that's the birthplace of standing up, of course, it really is, you know, it's always a big deal and the mayor. backstage and I'm walking up and down and you're on this kind of list, people, it's a bit, it's just discouraging, right starts, yeah, right starts, no opportunities as a friend, if so, our backstage, I'm wandering up and down just feeling. a little nervous and Cameron Diaz, who is there, God bless her, is wearing this incredible golden alarm.

Well, no, Gras, what, and there was an argument, there was an argument in the hallway about whether you would be able to see her tits when she leaned over. forward when I was having the argument with her I don't know I guess the

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I saw the tits the

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were gone it's kind of amazing so wait to see Cameron wash somehow I'm being polite I'm trying to be right new play okay , sound of thunder, classy new play, it's not easy to perform stand-up with a boner, but it was good, well, you don't have to say it so boldly, hey, it's not a show and I'm sure anyway 8 out of 10 cats have been doing it. great for you on channel 4 yes, it's been mine, it's a very funny show, I enjoy doing it.

I hope to appear in the next series, yes, an invite any time you're free and just invite me alone, oh is it Friday nights? Friday, do you know what songs father doesn't know? It's about 9:30, so you can do it and then run over here in the magical world of television where we filmed the night, you try to say this isn't Friday, come and wait. Saturday morning we certainly go, yeah, there's no line for my radio show, listen, you look good, you look much better than I remember you, he looks smart and handsome and now there's nothing, you know what?

Because I think I'm being mean. They were thinking you look, you look great, it's a great suit, you're very handsome and very intelligent and I've seen you advertising in the newspapers, you become a male model who would have all that, yes, corrective footwear. They always know it. Molly Freeman is a bubble, obviously you don't know the three most handsome men in the country, but there is a homely charm and your advertising clothes for Marcus bank through this right and that's right, yes, we did it, you know What did they call and say? you want to work with those two and David Bailey and I won, yeah, what else do I have that afternoon?

Brilliant, but didn't know M&M, lovely outfit. SN. M&S suits you. This is not eminence, but I used the money. to buy it I tell you what your socks are in your pants and with everything on now as hard as it is to believe that Jimmy is also breaking into the world of cinema again, nothing from the Stormbreaker movies, which is based on the very popular books that are just the kids with the spy books that were primarily aimed at kids, I think by Anthony Horowitz, I think so, so what are you playing at? You're not the lead, sorry, well, no, no, I couldn't lead before, well, yeah, no, I mean.

I mean, I only film for two days, it's like you know it's one of those things again, it's reported who you play what role I play, a mi6 spy. Need. I did it again just because there were really great people in the movie, so I thought, well, it must also be great to be offered a role in a movie. I mean, a lot of people don't make those kinds of movies. I could never do that, but I don't know how you resist some of those. Don't you want to be in our movie and it's not like you can't be busy now after you and McGregor are in the McGill name?

You know Bill Nighy Lister, you know, a little adult movie, yeah, we're dragging it down, no, no, Don't start saying that now that it's already decided. I think it's coming out in July of next year, so this is what you want to do. You actually want to go to the movies. I don't think I consider myself an actor. Don't have. range at all, but if you want someone who is a little middle class and looks like me, then you probably won't have much work coming your way. The UK is your character, well I guess I could say you know the before and after, there is some kind of weight. loss program no you look good these days you have lost a lot mainly on your face and the other thing that is good used to be big wear the space operator suit a lot well I often look a bit like a child trapped in an elevator yes If you saw a kid factor an elevator, you'd punch him in the face to bring him back to life.

An easy question, that's the right answer. You've earned a cameo in my next movie. Yes, I got a little boob done, although you didn't. , you were in Shrek, what it was was that they went for voiceover because on camera I had a small role as a guy when I was on screen, apparently people wanted to see more of me and less of the other actors there were. Isn't it considered fair wow, what a beautiful world of fantasy and dreams you live in and a wonderful place to visit. It's pretty in Fairyland. I'm going to say goodbye to Najimy.

Not that I wouldn't have spent more time with Elwood, but let's be real. I have two ladies who seem good at jogging and know where the action is kept before they go out, ladies, gentlemen. I think I agree, he is a very funny man, he is into the toy and gets the DVD, or why wouldn't you want to? go see it and buy it too, it's mr. Jimmy Carr