Brad Williams Fun Size • Part 2  | LOLflix

I do it, because that's the thing, my jokes are often true stories. People ask me all the time, "Brad, you're a comedian. How do you write your material?" No! That's how I write jokes. Step one, be a dwarf. Step two, wait. Strange things are going to happen to you. I never know when. It's not like I look down and say, "Oh, three o'clock. Something funny is about to happen." No, it's not like that. It just happens randomly. Not long ago, I took my mom out to lunch. Now, before I continue with this joke, you should know that my mom is not a little person like me.

And my dad, not a dwarf. No I know. We don't all have to come from the same tribe. You can't like, drive down the street and say, "What house do the midgets live in? "It's the mushroom with the door inside." So, my mom drives. I'm in the passenger seat. Not a backup. I'm in a normal chair like a big kid. My mom is coming up behind this guy and this guy is trying to turn down a one-way street, but he's going the wrong way and it's causing all kinds of traffic and people touching the road. he honks and gets really angry.

My mom is right behind him. She's polite and she's the southern belle from Savannah, Georgia, and she looks at the guy and says, "Uh, excuse me, sir. "I don't think you can turn left at this

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icular intersection." I know! You hear that, you want lemonade right now! It is not like this? That's my mom! And then this guy proceeds to look at my mom and say, "Why don't you shut up?" I'm killing you right now, okay? I kill you. Do you tell that to my mom? That's my mom. I love my mom. She gave birth to me and just so you know, giving birth to a dwarf is not easy.

It's not like you just sneeze and we'll fly out of there, okay? The Doctor isn't sitting there with a catcher's mitt like... No. That doesn't happen. No! It is very difficult to give birth to a little person. When I was born, my head was about the same

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as it is now, okay? Do you understand what that means? And my mom never complained. She never complained. My dad complains all the time. He says to me, "Do you realize that was the first pussy you broke?" But yeah, that's my mom. She gave birth to me. I will defend this woman.

I will die for this woman. So, I get out of the car and start yelling at this guy. What the hell did you just say? What the hell! Get out of here, son of a bitch! I'm like, "Oh, shit. This is really happening right now." Well, this is going to be a shock to you. I don't know how to fight. There's no such thing as a midget UFC, okay? There should be a midget UFC. That would be Awesome, like Me and Wee Man in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese. Let's move forward! So, I don't know how to fight.

The only fights I know are things I learned from video games in the '90s. So, this guy is charging at me and out of some weird instinct, I just look at him and say, "Hadouken!" I'm just saying hadouken! Now, for those of you who don't know what that is, I'll explain. There was a video game in the '90s called Street Fighter 2, okay? Street Fighter, yes. There were two characters in that game who didn't just punch and kick. They shouted "hadouken." Launch a fireball from his hands. A fireball because it could be useful in a fight.

Hey, punch, kick, hey, shit, it works and that's why I don't know! You think I'm crazy, but this shows you how much people don't know about little people. I shouted hadouken. This guy shivered and then ran away. He escaped! Do you understand what that means? That means that when I shouted hadouken, this guy thought: Well, he's a dwarf. He can probably throw a fireball. I'm reserving it. At that moment he would give all my money. All my money to be there when this guy told this story to his friends. No bro, you have no idea what happened to me, man.

I yelled at this woman today. She got angry. She had a button on her car. An attack midget ran out of her car like that. He attacked me and started throwing fireballs at me. I block it and like, I dodge it and do that. I didn't even know they had attack dwarves. I've seen every episode of MTV Cribs. You never saw 50 Cent like, Hey, this is my Mercedes and it comes with a moth attack midget right there. Never happened. And that could be assumed for Mercedes or BMW, of course. But based on what I saw today, let me tell you right now.

Kia has upped his game! I don't know! I don't know when these things are going to happen. Everyday, common activities can turn into crazy stories at any moment. I was having lunch not long ago, one of my best friends, Adam, and we were at a McDonald's. I know. I made it in show business. And now this

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icular McDonald's had a gambling place attached to it, okay? Adam and I are sitting there. We are talking. All of a sudden, this kid, I don't know if he thought he was threatening his neighborhood or invading his territory, but he just ran out of the playground.

He has a ball from the ball pit, he sees me and just throws it and pssh, he dunks me right in the head. I can't miss this son of a bitch, okay? Then I show up, like what the hell? I see he is a boy. I don't mind. I have street cred. I have to defend myself. I'm going after the boy. I start walking after him. Now, Adam, my friend, is a tall guy, but he essentially works for me, so he said, "All right, I guess we're going to beat up seven-year-olds today," and started walking behind him.

Now, this particular gambling place must have had some kind of incident because they had a security guard and he saw Adam coming towards me. He says, "Hey, you can't come in here." He then he looks at me and says, "Yeah, you can come here, that's great." I'm not offended. I just got the green light to kick ass. So, I went to the gaming place. I look around me. I see the child. But the other children who were there at the playground saw me walking and began to clap, cheer and become very happy. I say, "what the hell?" And then I realize they think I'm a new pet.

For example, there is the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald and now apparently there is the dwarf McNugget. I'm going to make it rain sweet and sour sauce. You know? And now they are applauding but I see the child and he sees me. We look into each other's eyes and he turns around and runs down the slide. He now he is in the tubes because he believes that he is safe in the tubes. Damn fool. You're not safe in those tubes. I'm 4'4". I can run in those tubes, okay? I go in the tubes. I'm Super Mario. He got the star.

I'm fine. So I run down the tube. I see the kid. I run towards him. He I grab it I start taking it out with his little Stride Rite, okay? Yeah, I know what the Stride Rites are. Shit No. It's so sexy. Now, I'm yelling at the kid. Why did you throw the ball at me? That wasn't very nice. He comes running after me, angry. I'm just yelling at the kid, but Adam, my. friend, sees the dad. He does what any good friend would do. "Let's see what's going on here." The dad runs, grabs me by the shoulder tightly, turns me around, sees my face and says, "I didn't expect that." I don't know, I think he thought I was a kid, then when he spanked me and saw my beard, he was like, "I wasn't expecting that." you should say that's if you're making out with a girl, you take off her skirt and she has a dick.

I wasn't expecting this. Now the father finds himself in this strange circumstance. He looks at me. He looks at his son. He looks at me. He looks back at his son. He says, "I can't do anything for you, boy," and starts walking away. That's when I know I've won. I got away with it. And this dad wanted to hit me. He wanted to hit me, but you can't hit a dwarf. Hitting a dwarf is a hate crime. Alright? I got away with it. That's the best part about being a little person. The best part is that you can get away with it.

I get my way all the time because I'm adorable. If you're cute, you can do things. I can steal and it's okay. Alright. I have done! I was in a grocery store not long ago. I was there with my friend. He dared me to steal something. Your friend challenges you to do something, you have to do it. So, I go to the cookie aisle. I get a lot of Keebler cookies. I put them on my shoulder and started to leave that place with the Keebler cookies. Now, this little 17-year-old employee sees me, walks up and says, "Uh, excuse me, sir.

Are you going to pay for that? And like a boss, I just look at this guy and say, No, bro, my family does this. It's great. He let me go! Of course he let me go! In his mind, he says: Yes, he is here doing quality control.